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AIBU?

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Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 10/08/2023 19:09

You experience him as walking too fast He experiences you as walking too slow. It is possible to do both of those things. You are irritated because he does not wait for you. He probably finds it annoying that you walk too slow to keep up with him, but it does sound as though he is not gripping about your not keeping up with him.
You sound as though you blame him. From your description it sounds as though he just accepts the differences in your pace and lets him be him and you be you.

I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate without acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him.

He too might think that a loving partner would keep pace with him. Isn't that what you want from him? It is consideration when you want it but it is insensitivity and lack of consideration for him to want the something.

If neither of you have physically limiting mobility issues, A compromise might begin with trying to decide what is a pace that works for both of you, or decide that whoever reaches the destination first will simply and quietly wait for the other.

It might help if you both accepted the fact neither pace is a virtue nor a sin. The speed at which you each walk is simply one of many attributes and it does not make either of you more sensitive or caring than the other. What you call a sprint, he may see as a crawl, and what he views as normal you may view as bulldozing.
This may just be one of those things upon which you 2 may never agree

What you can agree upon is the impact that you are going to let this issue have on your relationship.

If this is a deal breaker for you, you have your answer.

@Mari9999 what i "experienced" is him sodding off knowing i cant walk at that pace - most people cant - and leaving me behind even though i called ahead. Not sure what version of what happened you have in mind, but this isnt a case of 'he said, she said'. What happened happened. Why the hell would i have posted otherwise? Honestly the idea that "a loving partner would keep up with him" is gaslighting garbage. How? By riding alongside on a bike?? The guy ignored me, disregarded me, disrepected me, knowing id be hurt by it. There was no "compromising" i could possibly have done in this situation - unless you mean just let him treat me like a piece of dirt & not be offended or upset by that? Ill be honest Ive been appalled by some of the takes in here which have completely ignored what actually happened and made me out to be the inconsiderate partner here. Hopefully your partners get more consideration than your replies suggest.

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 10/08/2023 18:36

@eastegg quite. That whole post is weird IMHO. For one thing, it misses the bit where she asked him to wait for her just before the point where they should've been together, he turned & looked at her, said nothing & charged on without her. A pig is a pig, there's no dressing it up to make it six of one & half a dozen of the other.

It's not that he 'accepts the difference in [her] pace'. It's that he doesn't give a flying fart about her, as long as he gets where he wants to go as quickly as possible. He may even be enjoying her discomfort.

And it's interesting that a fellow-sufferer upthread says that when the positions are reversed & she's ahead of the man, he describes that as her storming off. As ever, men like this can dish it out but they can't take it.

eastegg · 10/08/2023 16:44

Mari9999 · 10/08/2023 00:50

@Gotthetshirt1
You experience him as walking too fast He experiences you as walking too slow. It is possible to do both of those things. You are irritated because he does not wait for you. He probably finds it annoying that you walk too slow to keep up with him, but it does sound as though he is not gripping about your not keeping up with him.
You sound as though you blame him. From your description it sounds as though he just accepts the differences in your pace and lets him be him and you be you.

I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate without acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him.

He too might think that a loving partner would keep pace with him. Isn't that what you want from him? It is consideration when you want it but it is insensitivity and lack of consideration for him to want the something.

If neither of you have physically limiting mobility issues, A compromise might begin with trying to decide what is a pace that works for both of you, or decide that whoever reaches the destination first will simply and quietly wait for the other.

It might help if you both accepted the fact neither pace is a virtue nor a sin. The speed at which you each walk is simply one of many attributes and it does not make either of you more sensitive or caring than the other. What you call a sprint, he may see as a crawl, and what he views as normal you may view as bulldozing.
This may just be one of those things upon which you 2 may never agree

What you can agree upon is the impact that you are going to let this issue have on your relationship.

If this is a deal breaker for you, you have your answer.

He just accepts the differences in your pace

What a very odd way of describing someone who marches off too fast for the other person. Your whole post is, imo, full of fanciful nonsense which distorts the facts as stated in the OP.

Jacesmum1977 · 10/08/2023 15:39

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

Hi OP.
Firstly, I’m sorry you are upset.
What alarms me the most about your situation is how your husband is quick to blow off how you feel. Just because it wouldn’t bother him doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be bothered also. You are individual people and it’s doubtful you both ‘feel’ the same way about all things. You are bothered and he should take that into account. Does he do that to you often? If so, it’s not good behaviour at all and is actually toxic.

If you’re only 60 seconds behind then there no reason really for him to not wait for you so you could experience xxxx at the same time. I think it’s pigheadedness on his part.

What does he do for you that makes you feel good?
I would write it all down and weight up if the relationship is worth it.
I know you’ve got kids but you should live your life without having to be treated as though you’re feelings are not valid.
It’s not a healthy place to be.

sending love x

CameltoeParkerBowles · 10/08/2023 09:56

"I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate wihout acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him."

...in which case, he should have married a tall, strong, long-legged man. Does it not occur to you that to keep pace with him, the OP may be forced to run? Walking together is supposed to be a companiable experience. If he wants to walk at his normal super-fast pace, he can do that while out on his own.

Perhaps we should get rid of all disabled toilets as well, so that the disabled can just pull themselves together and become able-bodied, strong and flexible, to fit in with the rest of us?

Mari9999 · 10/08/2023 00:50

@Gotthetshirt1
You experience him as walking too fast He experiences you as walking too slow. It is possible to do both of those things. You are irritated because he does not wait for you. He probably finds it annoying that you walk too slow to keep up with him, but it does sound as though he is not gripping about your not keeping up with him.
You sound as though you blame him. From your description it sounds as though he just accepts the differences in your pace and lets him be him and you be you.

I think that a part of the problem maybe that you feel that he is being inconsiderate without acknowledging that he too might like a partner who keeps pace with him.

He too might think that a loving partner would keep pace with him. Isn't that what you want from him? It is consideration when you want it but it is insensitivity and lack of consideration for him to want the something.

If neither of you have physically limiting mobility issues, A compromise might begin with trying to decide what is a pace that works for both of you, or decide that whoever reaches the destination first will simply and quietly wait for the other.

It might help if you both accepted the fact neither pace is a virtue nor a sin. The speed at which you each walk is simply one of many attributes and it does not make either of you more sensitive or caring than the other. What you call a sprint, he may see as a crawl, and what he views as normal you may view as bulldozing.
This may just be one of those things upon which you 2 may never agree

What you can agree upon is the impact that you are going to let this issue have on your relationship.

If this is a deal breaker for you, you have your answer.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/08/2023 22:40

Poodleydoodley · 09/08/2023 08:17

Gosh this! I went on a weekend away with a chap I liked. We went walking in the lakes. He charged ahead continuously. Would then wait (eventually) for me to catch up and then immediately zoom off again. He couldn’t understand why I was annoyed to spend pretty much the whole walk on my own!
He was fine the rest of the time but couldn’t grasp the idea of not charging off up hills!

That was almost the worst bit with my exh. As soon as I’d caught up, and was ready to stop for a rest, off he’d zoom again. Having had a nice rest!

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 09/08/2023 21:30

Thanks @OhComeOnFFS - what are the odds!!

OP posts:
1967buglet · 09/08/2023 19:53

DH did this when we were first together, and when he saw it was making me upset, he folds his arms and walks, or puts his arms behind him to slow down and walk at my pace. It is possible to walk together and YANBU whatsever. I call him rocket trainers if he is going too fast, and he gets it.

MsRosley · 09/08/2023 19:45

3luckystars · 08/08/2023 22:41

Here is what I think anyway, it’s not about walking speeds or holidays, it’s about being ignored and being left behind by people who mean so much to you.

you would never be so rude to them and that’s why it hurts

He is mean and ignores you. You know it. This proves it. Now your children are mimicking him. No wonder you are upset.

I’m sorry he did this to you so unnecessary, it was a small ask and he won’t even admit what he did was cruel. That’s the worst bit.

it’s really happening, your feelings are real and justified.

I think this is spot on.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 09/08/2023 16:50

It's also less safe to split the group.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 09/08/2023 16:49

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/08/2023 09:14

I think most people who walk regularly accept that everyone goes at their own pace on hills and then regroups as necessary. It’s as much to take the pressure off the slow as anything.
Perhaps I would expect more from a man in the first flush of love.

Show quote history

But if the fast person/group sets off again the moment the slow one catches up, the slow one never gets a rest (and therefore gets slower).

ChillyInChile · 09/08/2023 16:43

Hibiscrubbed · 09/08/2023 08:34

Depressing how many posters are so determined to berate an OP and find fault with her (based largely on their own conjecture) that they will determinedly and repeatedly side with a really shit and horrible man.

Speaks volumes about them. None of it good.

I pity these people who have such low standards about they they expect in a partner.

ChillyInChile · 09/08/2023 16:40

NatashaDancing · 08/08/2023 13:59

I "honestly don't get" why some posters can't understand that this "special family moment" wouldn't even enter the heads of others, let alone make it apparently spoil the whole event.

The OP can feel as upset as she wants. This is AIBU- not "validate my feelings without question". If it was so important that they saw the whatever it is at the same time it might have helped if she had said so before they set out.

If anything I'd expect children of say 12 upwards to naturally steam on ahead.

‘If anything I'd expect children of say 12 upwards to naturally steam on ahead.’

My older teens would always wait for the slowest member of a group and come back once they realised they were ahead. They are kind and respectful like that.

ChillyInChile · 09/08/2023 16:37

JunkIsland · 07/08/2023 22:57

Love the naked sense of superiority and self-importance of these ultra-fast walkers. While the rest of us are ‘pissing about’, ‘dawdling’ and ‘pootling’, they are majestically ‘cracking on with their day’.

You have to wonder what it is that is so important about rushing on to the next thing constantly. It certainly doesn’t seem to build empathy.

I’ve been on both sides. My DP walks fast and in the past I used to find myself lagging further and further behind and having to trot like a bloody pony every so often to catch up. That’s the reality of just walking a little faster, which seems to mystify don’t posters. I won’t do it now as it’s unpleasant undignified and I remind him when he starts storming off.

As a 20-something I was the one leaving my mum for dust as we tramped around a foreign city. I was there primarily to see somewhere new; she explained after a particularly hectic day of walking that actually it was spending time with me that she wanted and she’d like it if we could take it a bit easier and just enjoy being together. I felt chastened. Presumably the correct reaction for some posters would have been to sneer at her wanting to make ‘Disney moments’ and to tell her she was selfish and entitled for wanting to slow me down.

‘Love the naked sense of superiority and self-importance of these ultra-fast walkers. While the rest of us are ‘pissing about’, ‘dawdling’ and ‘pootling’, they are majestically ‘cracking on with their day’.’

I think they are the bores who are obsessed with documenting their PBs on Strava 😏

ChillyInChile · 09/08/2023 15:58

I am a fast walker but not fast as my much taller husband. When we are on hols, if he ends up with my 20y son, they can end up many paces in front of me and our younger daughter as we are all distracted. One of us four will pipe up and then they will wait and we resume as a family again. No big deal or malice or bad intentions.

It is just basic decency.

People behave selfishly nowadays. The man in the OP and the people on this thread who do the same.

As a fast walker I don’t find it remotely difficulty to recalibrate and walk slowly along someone who needs a slower pace. All this talk of pain and having to alter metabolism is just amusing!

CameltoeParkerBowles · 09/08/2023 12:35

I completely agree with you, OP. My DH has a tendency to do the same, but he will now stop and wait for me to catch up. And - like you - I am a fast walker, just not as fast as him. I got so fed up that I used to just turn around and fuck off elsewhere until he finally noticed I was nowhere in sight. Oddly, if I EVER walk in front of him for a few yards, he thinks I'm 'storming off' (I'm not)! You can't win.

Anyway, it's just so rude! Essentially, the other person is saying that your company, even your presence, is unimportant. I would never dream of doing this to someone who couldn't walk as quickly as me. Good manners would dictate that you adapt your pace to the slower person, surely. Unless you are actually in a race...

Bubbles90 · 09/08/2023 12:22

My husband does this as well. I have spoken to him on the matter. He does this on purpose as he stupidly believes if he walks ahead I will run to catch up. He's very tall with very long legs so naturally walks much faster than I can keep up. I refuse to run after him. If he wishes to walk ahead I let him, I now ignore the behaviour. I will go at my pace, and if I wish to stop and admire the view or pop into a shop I will do so. If he wishes to be with me he'll just have to wait or walk back to me.

Misspiggy1012 · 09/08/2023 12:14

Just thinking about that half the world of women are meant to walk behind there husbands or sons in white countries it's the hight of ignorance and should not be tolerated and the man who is doing it should take a minute to think about what effect does it have to the woman who he's doing it to. A disgraceful way for men to behave. We are all human beings who have feelings.

ScribblingPixie · 09/08/2023 10:55

Should have realised when on honeymoon he did not even sit next to me at a spectacular concert as the seat he found had a better view!

WTF!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 10:28

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:53

Yes there are definitely some behaviours that chime with NPD, especially lack of empathy and no filter at all - i just hadnt associated this specific behaviour with it til now.

I couldnt imagine going ahead knowing that it meant another member of the family missing out on that moment. Why would i even?

He'll often say 'that wouldnt upset me at all' or 'i wouldnt care' in a way that undermines others' feelings. A difficult path to tread with teenagers - i dont want them thinking these kinds of behaviours are healthy or productive and so modelling them. If i ever challenge it with DH by saying how an action has made me feel, they already view it as 'arguing'

My ex said things like that to me. He was utterly unconcerned that I was upset and just concerned about being right that it wasn't something that someone should be upset over. Exhausting battle trying to convince someone my inner world is valid.

IF he's not awful in other ways, perhaps be positive before your next day out and say I love walking with you and seeing things together can we hold hands it would mean a lot if you could slow down a little and walk with me as I love holding hands? Then he's less likely to be defensive. If he doesn't agree to at least try to do that he's a prick.

MrsLighthouse · 09/08/2023 09:32

My ( tall ) husband walks fast and often ahead as my ( short ) legs canter along to keep up ! But he is really apologetic when l say slow down …it’s a bit of an in joke with us now. And THERE’S the difference !

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 09/08/2023 09:14

Poodleydoodley · 09/08/2023 08:17

Gosh this! I went on a weekend away with a chap I liked. We went walking in the lakes. He charged ahead continuously. Would then wait (eventually) for me to catch up and then immediately zoom off again. He couldn’t understand why I was annoyed to spend pretty much the whole walk on my own!
He was fine the rest of the time but couldn’t grasp the idea of not charging off up hills!

I think most people who walk regularly accept that everyone goes at their own pace on hills and then regroups as necessary. It’s as much to take the pressure off the slow as anything.
Perhaps I would expect more from a man in the first flush of love.

frumpalertt · 09/08/2023 09:09

This is so unbelievably fucking rude.

At DH's work they did a walk to support a member of staff and raise money. It was supposed to be a team building thing. A wanker colleague, who sounds much like your DH, decided he wanted to make a point and stormed on ahead so he could race to the finish. DH is actually an amazing long distance runner and could have kicked this guy's arse over the distance, but chose not to do so because that just wasn't the spirit of the day. It wasn't a competition, it was a supportive fundraiser and a chance to spend time together as a team.

The guy in question is completely socially clueless, and doesn't have the first idea how to relate to others. The walking fast is just part of a much wider raft of behaviours that are intolerant, rude, and inconsiderate of others . He once asked my (black) friend how it felt to be the "token hire". (Black friend is gifted, very much not a token hire, and has now been promoted above him). When I was being bullied early in my career he told me he would stick up for me but he had a promotion case in and didn't want to rock the boat (he was union rep).

Sometimes a single behaviour can be a window to a soul!