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AIBU?

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Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 07/08/2023 08:08

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/08/2023 02:12

Just stop at a bench or where you can lean on something and wait. Don't start moving again until they come back and walk WITH you. Every time they walk away, stop again. Or, walk in another direction, but make sure you have the tickets, money etc.

Warn them in advance that unless they walk WITH you, this will happen.

I think this is a great idea. They rush off you go slower and stop and rest. They'll have to keep doubling back

Pipsquiggle · 07/08/2023 08:08

My then BF now DH used to do this when we first got together. Walking fast / in front of me and also suddenly crossing roads without telling me

I had to make a big issue out of it and let him know how rude it was, he just didn't realise as no one had told him before.

You need to talk with him and separately your DC about being mindful of other people because ultimately it's selfish behaviour.

You will need to keep hammering this home, it's unlikely he will just adopt new behaviour after years of doing this

You need to nip this in the bud with your DC, liken it to toilet training.

He sounds like a competitive, always having to be first which is deeply unappealing.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 08:08

WellPlaced · 07/08/2023 06:19

So many posters not getting the point of this thread and why the op is upset.

It was missing out on that special family moment that’s upsetting. Not the walking.
Rude posters accusing her of ‘dawdling’.

He could have stopped and waited.

I don't get this "missing out on a special family monent' issue at all. It's a tourist attraction of some sort. I'm sure it's worth seeing but this is OTT

Defiantjazz · 07/08/2023 08:08

I wonder how these fast walkers manage when they have small children. Surely they walk slower then?

I don’t have children

sassyduck · 07/08/2023 08:07

YANBU. He's being very disrespectful towards you.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 07/08/2023 08:05

but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour)

No, it’s not to be expected if you’ve brought them up correctly.

This is all very dramatic over them seeing something a few seconds before you 🙄

Defiantjazz · 07/08/2023 08:05

I walk quickly (due to anxiety not narcissism). I would find it difficult to walk slower tbh.

It may be your husband doesn’t really worry about shared experiences so much and so doesn’t understand/care about your concerns. Thoughtless but not necessarily malicious.

JusthereforXmas · 07/08/2023 08:05

I'm disabled so do walk slow and have to keep stopping, DH sometime gets ahead due to just being able to walk normal. Its not all the time but theres some days where I swear he just seems in a rush even though we are going nowhere (like just walking from the shop to the car in an un-timed car park etc...)

If he keeps doing it and is irritating me I just interlock arms with him... then he can't 'wander off' at speed without physically dragging me which he can't do.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 08:04

I have a friend who did this. Just strode ahead and not even look back occasionally to check that I was still there. He didn't get it either, when I got angry, but over the years he's got a bit better.
He'll still disappear without telling me though. Go and look at something without letting me know, then I'm the one who can't find him and has to go looking.

It's a lack of empathy and thought for others, in a specific kind of way. He's not a bad person, but he just doesn't seem to naturally have that 'how will what I'm about to do affect someone else?' thing.

StarPotential · 07/08/2023 08:04

I can honestly say that if I ever met someone else (not likely but whatever) I would NEVER go out with someone who walked ahead and acted like they didn’t care (because they don’t.)

StarPotential · 07/08/2023 08:02

My exh used to do this. It was a particular problem on holidays when we would be going out for the day. Like a pp, he would also not wait for me to finish a meal or drink as he’d be off when he wanted.

I should have known as the first time I ever met his mother the three of us went on a long walk and he walked ahead the whole time leaving me with his mother and she apologised for her ‘rude’ son.

Backstreets · 07/08/2023 08:01

I’m going to go against the grain here and say, nicely, get a grip

Are you a man?

blackheartsgirl · 07/08/2023 08:01

Deliberately leaving you behind even though he knows it makes you unhappy is unpleasant behaviour. I would not be happy with this at all especially as your dc are copying.

my ldh used to do this a lot but it wasn’t done on purpose. He used to get frustrated with the speed at which our walking group was walking and we weren’t slow so off he’d zoom, plus I think it helped him manage his hyperactivity.

on family walks he’d still do the same but after me having a word because it used to piss me off he became far more considerate, he took himself off for lone walks for miles where he could walk fast to his hearts content if he needed to.

An ex of mine used to do this, and sneer at me if I couldn’t keep up, he loved walking 10 feet ahead with the kids and then they’d be having private jokes and sniggers at my expense as I walked up. Bastard.

Doodat · 07/08/2023 08:01

My husband does this too OP.

He also made our engagement, wedding, home purchase, and birth of our child all about him. He’s more self involved than I could ever express because it’s all in these small ways like walking in front of you, so you end up feeling petty if you get upset about it.

Cornishclio · 07/08/2023 07:59

I tend to walk faster than my DH and will just stop and wait for him to catch up. If we were aiming for a viewpoint I would wait for him so I think your DH either doesn't get you wanted to do that or is trying to make a point that he is in control.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 07/08/2023 07:58

TravellingSpoon · 07/08/2023 07:54

I wonder how these fast walkers manage when they have small children. Surely they walk slower then?

They probably the ones that don't notice their kid is crossing the road several seconds behind them and oblivious to the danger they put them in.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 07:57

yogasaurus · 07/08/2023 05:48

I agree actually. I’m naturally a fast walker, I make the effort to slow down, but then the other person seems to slow down even further. I hate dawdling.

Maybe just different people. Compromise is the answer, not one always matching the other.

Show quote history

I agree. And the emphasis on shared family moments, robbed of a special family moment, missed seeing the look on their faces seems way OTT.

If I were married to you I could take on board being told I walk too fast but I'd most likely be "completely oblivious to that you'd be upset that we'd missed this shared family moment" and I'd think you were being a drama llama.

supersop60 · 07/08/2023 07:56

How disappointing for you OP. I would also have wanted to see my DC's reaction to a special view. (Grand Canyon? Petra?)
Your DH striding ahead is thoughtless.
My DP tends to walk ahead, and more than once I have stayed back and gone in a shop (or something) with DC, and he hasn't noticed.

TravellingSpoon · 07/08/2023 07:54

I wonder how these fast walkers manage when they have small children. Surely they walk slower then?

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 07/08/2023 07:53

I’d be on your DHs side here, there’s nothing worse than a slow walker. It’s painful to slow down my walking speed so I’m assuming it’s the same for everyone else.

CoalTit · 07/08/2023 07:51

Awittyfool · 07/08/2023 07:22

Its the intention though. Acknowledging the person behind you. Kids for example may run off in front but they will run back to tell you what’s ahead etc.

My ex DH did the striding off thing but annoyingly only places he knew. When it was somewhere he didn’t, he dawdled behind me. Also in pubs and restaurants. He would march into our local first but anywhere new and he would open the door “politely” so I had to be first in. Sounds stupid but its not always obvious if it’s a go to the bar or find a table or wait to be seated and I didn’t like always being the one expected to get it right.

A French bloke told me that you should let the woman go first everywhere except restaurants, and I think you've just explained the reason for that rule of etiquette.
I also think you're right that the important thing is the intention of the person who's striding ahead.
I hope OP stands her ground and doesn't listen to any nonsense about how he just has to rush off ahead because he's a fast walker.

AfraidToRun · 07/08/2023 07:50

My ex did this, he was a narcissistic prick. Would even do it at 1am in the morning when we were walking home from the pub and there were areas without lighting. If I did catch up he would walk quicker, it was like he couldn't bear to be seen with me. Just weird af.

I walk faster than my current partner but I do slow down and apologise and we discuss it like oh no you go ahead etc etc.

User1800 · 07/08/2023 07:48

because I found my love of walking with my husband I’m naturally a pretty quick walker myself now, I walk alone for fitness as found it not as enjoyable walking with much slower friends, just felt weird to walk at such a pace and hardly increase your heart rate, so easier to go for my own and enjoy mooching around national trust type places with friends instead - best of both worlds then.

Very very rude to walk ahead of you OP not a nice feeling at all 😐

Almostwelsh · 07/08/2023 07:45

For those people remarking about dawdlers, my ex had much longer legs and a very long stride length. He used to walk ahead and I wasn't dawdling at all. To keep at his pace I used to have to actually run. This isn't very practical. I now see his charging ahead as a symptom of his lack of care for the relationship in general, which became evident later.

Enko · 07/08/2023 07:43

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:53

Yes there are definitely some behaviours that chime with NPD, especially lack of empathy and no filter at all - i just hadnt associated this specific behaviour with it til now.

I couldnt imagine going ahead knowing that it meant another member of the family missing out on that moment. Why would i even?

He'll often say 'that wouldnt upset me at all' or 'i wouldnt care' in a way that undermines others' feelings. A difficult path to tread with teenagers - i dont want them thinking these kinds of behaviours are healthy or productive and so modelling them. If i ever challenge it with DH by saying how an action has made me feel, they already view it as 'arguing'

It doesn't happen to him.. so how can he know.

Also it upsets YOU and that should matter to him. Plus he should be putting forward an example for his children on how to treat your partner.

Dh walks fast. I hate it. He says I'm a slow walker. Compared to him I am. Compared to most other people I've gone on a walk with I'm pretty normal. However dh does slow down when I say too fast slow down.

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