Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

I’m not personally a faffer, but your friend sounds like she has anxiety issues.

Funnily enough when I’ve gone places with friends , or with other family groups, I’ve realised I’m naturally quite speedy, it’s just exh was really really extra keen to forge ahead - he didn’t really do it til we had children so I think alot of it was deliberate to avoid child wrangling.

My ex did this to me all the time it was because he held me in utter contempt I do hope you situation is not the same.

You're just making a load of stuff up. You have no idea if the OP is a faffer. It's not that surprising that the DC tend to follow the DH. People often appease narcissists, which is why they often get away with it.

Well that’s very rude!

This is an eye opener for me, I’m a fast walker and DH dawdles and smokes. I’m forever turning around and realising he’s not there. I will turn round and wait for him when I realise but it’s so frustrating, I feel like I’m walking on the spot when we walk together. It’s less of an issue when we’re just out for a walk but when we’re going somewhere I can’t understand why he doesn’t just speed up a bit. I didn’t realise that made me narcissistic or psychopathic or whatever it was.

If he had physical restrictions that’s different, I can slow down for elderly relatives etc and just accept that we’re not going anywhere at a normal pace (still frustrating, it’s like my brain is 15 steps ahead all the time) but man alive how he ever gets anywhere is a mystery to me!

No it isn't different at all. It's just that you would want to take time looking at shops, buildings etc. And you're not bothered about seeing landmarks.

I couldn't bear spending all my time in a beautiful city looking at shops. But if I was with my partner or a close friend I'd compromise. Something you seem unable to do because you can only see things from your perspective.

Just like the OP's husband, which is probably why you can't see anything wrong with him.

The OP has already said she's a speed walker, so she is not walking slowly. People are talking about her as though she is dawdling.

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

Well, yes, it's all about OP and her feelings and plans, which seem to be all that matters. Quite interesting that her DC choose to run a alongside their dad, though, rather than hang back with mum.

I have a friend who's a terrible faffer: gets out of the car, checks handbag for everything that might possibly be needed, puts water bottle and snacks in a backpack just in case, puts backpack on, checks for car keys, can't find them, takes backpack off in case she's put them in there, then decides she needs an umbrella or an extra handy-pack of tissues from the glove compartment. Then can't find her sunglasses and wants to consult me on whether she will or won't need a sunhat... I have been known to set off at a brisk pace with a 'See you there' just to avoid the faff.

Both my ex and my current h do this. The difference is that exh wouldn't stop doing it when I asked, current dh always stops, apologies and slows down a bit.
I used to hate it!

have you tried saying to him “I know that you don’t mean to be disrespectful and that your walking ahead is just innocent to you, however it makes me feel really rejected and sad and it makes me feel like we aren’t a romantic happy couple, are you able to change your behaviour for me when we are doing special things, even if you don’t really understand it?”

If you bundle up behaviour change with them accepting your perception of their intent and motive then people get very defensive.

Two things can be true, he can be oblivious and unable to understand how walking ahead makes you feel a certain way, because in his head he has no malicious intent and so doesn’t understand how you’re projecting so much onto the walking ahead.

It can also be true that it makes you feel left out, that it reminds you of feeling like you’ve lost the romance and that he’s inconsiderate etc.

If your objective is to get the behaviour to change, then going in all guns blazing that his waking ahead definitively means he is an asshole with no consideration for you, then obviously his reaction is going to be “I’m not an asshole and walking ahead doesn’t mean that at all! Chill out!”

Easier to say, hey I acknowledge that you’re probably coming from a completely different place here and I know you’d never intentionally hurt me, but it makes me feel XYZ when you do that. Do you think you could meet me halfway and hold my hand and walk with me when we are doing special activities? You can walk ahead when we are on bog standard walks as I know you like to walk fast and get that too.”

All those people saying they, or their poor tall husbands, simply can't slow down because its painfull or their long legs won't let them - bollocks.

My normal pace is a little faster than average, at 3.5 to 4 mph. When my mum got arthritis and needed a stick, her pace was about 2.5mph. We still walked together. When my dad got Parkinsons and needed to use a walking frame his pace was glacial. It could take several minutes to get from his room to the dining room 30m away. That was frustrating - but even that wasn't physically painful or impossible to match- amd I didn't abandon him half way down the corridor.

My exh used to do this.

It was especially unnerving when we had young children, as he’d zoom off leaving me with a little toddling child, to coax them along etc

And when we had one in a buggy he’d often zoom off ahead with the buggy which might have all my things on it in a bag - I did learn not to put everything on the buggy but that was quite annoying as it meant unnecessary carrying. So I’d be struggling along with walking (but still pretty young) child and the blooming bag, whilst he zoomed ahead with the buggy.

My DH does this but it's my fault for not keeping up. But I would have to run to keep up which isn't sustainable. Funny how my two DD who are fast walkers manage to walk at my pace. And yes, he did put the DC in danger at roads because he didn't check where they where

My DF used to do this on family outings as as a pp mentioned dad at front, mum way behind (usually with picnic bags and blanket) and us four kids galloping in between. It's only recently that I've realised he did it on purpose because he was angry with her and it was how he punished her, the little disrespectful things that are difficult to call out. I've also realised I've married my abusive father despite my attempts not to.

OP, what else does he do that you find hurtful but he dismisses it as a you problem?

I am travelling with my husband and two daughters and I would sit down with all tickets and money and would not co operate at all in your place.

my Exmil would do shitty childish things like this to get her own way irrespective of what other people in the party would think, she would pout like a baby if she didn’t get her own way

You actually don’t always fall into just one category, I know which ones I’m in thanks!

Point is OP your husbands being cruel and rude, neither of which are typical ADHD traits. Neurodivergence doesn’t automatically equal being a shitty person.

@Puffalicious well yes I used my personal experience to offer a differing opinion as have other posters, you don't have to agree.

*And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone this self absorbed
*
That's ok love, don't think you'd be able to keep up with me any way

There are 3 types of ADHD which I’m sure you know, having it yourself. You are probably not in the hyperactive category!

I wouldn’t doubt it, going by some of the weirdos posting on here.

Exactly.

People are so bloody selfish.

I have ADHD and I plod along like a geriatric donkey 😂

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail?

Because that person is the one who organised it, thought about a once in a lifetime experience, carried the entire mental load. Because that person is your mum and your wife and you appreciate what she does and want to share something with her.

Just a thought.

Were you at the Grand Canyon by any chance? If so, you are absolutely right to be upset. The first view is breathtaking and I can completely understand why you wanted to see your DCs' responses.

Your 'D'H, meanwhile, is breathtakingly arrogant. It's rude to walk ahead like you're some little woman who needs to stay ten paces behind at all time, but it's even ruder to disparage you being upset for it. Is this a well-worn pattern of behaviour for him?

Not normal at all.

What an arse.

He is no gentleman and his children are modeling this behaviour.

I am travelling with my husband and two daughters and I would sit down with all tickets and money and would not co operate at all in your place.

Of course my husband being a lovely man wouldn't dream of doing this.
He takes the greatest of care with me and our daughters, modeling a good caring person.

Your husband is clearly an unpleasant man and no way would I be organising a holiday again.

These behaviours are NEVER in isolation.

Join the dots and get some counselling for yourself.

Dry your tears and start minding yourself.

There is NOTHING more miserable than gowing older with a selfish unfeeling prick.

Wishing you well.

It's only about how the OP feels, with no alternative views if you're intent on validating her feelings 100% .

And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone this self absorbed

And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone who seems so obsessed about creating perfect family moments.

He doesn’t have a problem moderating his pace though if he’s always 3 steps in front, he’s walking the same pace as you, just feels he should be ahead of you as he thinks he’s more important.