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Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 07/08/2023 11:20

why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

we did similar when we saw Niagra falls - tried not to look as going near it in taxi so we could get good first look together when doing the various tours. I waited for him to be ready before "raising the curtains" of our niagra facing room.

having a family group split into 2 seems fine if both bits contain more than 1 person, else you stick together. I really can't imagine a group of women (not on say a walking tour) just leaving a slow one behind and all rushing on ahead - we all tend to check that no one is on their own don't we?

does this man also start eating dinner as soon as it is plated, not waiting for the cook to also be seated and start (assuming not in a rush to get off to an event - but a meal like sunday dinner or xmas dinner)

Dixiechickonhols · 07/08/2023 11:19

Surely a big part of a family trip is experiencing it with them.
The what’s the problem we’ve all seen x now isn’t the point.
Seeing the people you love enjoying it is part of the experience.
If Op has spent months planning for and paying for a holiday to the ‘pyramids’ her wanting to see her childrens’ faces when they see the ‘pyramids’ for the first time is entirely understandable.
It’s why people travel together, go on rides together at theme parks, go to concerts together etc.
I can see why Op is hurt and brushing off as her dawdling or what’s the big deal you’ve all seen it is what her DH is doing. It bothers Op, she’s told him and he still does it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2023 11:17

I'm fine with people disagreeing with me; it doesn't change my opinion. OP's husband is saying (by his rude stalking off without her) that he doesn't care to give her the experience she wanted. He compounded that by allowing/encouraging their son to rush off also.

The thing about expectation of other people's reactions is that this can be stressful for some. Have you never known people not want to open presents in front of the giver who is scrutinising them for their reaction? It's exhausting.

I can remember my Mum showing us some Swiss mountains for the first time. I was in a mood and underwhelmed, my brothers were fighting. I'm sure she didn't get the reaction she'd hoped for. At least though, we were kids, OP's husband is an adult, supposed to love her, and is decidedly unkind.

OP held this 'first sight' in high regard as something very important. That doesn't mean that her husband did or he would have waited back 20 yards or whatever to allow OP her wish, it really needn't have been so awful but, her husband is awful.

HarridanHarvestingHeldaBeans · 07/08/2023 11:16

OP, is he so dismissive of you in all areas of your marriage? It sounds like the walking is going to turn out to be just a small part of a pretty dire picture.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 11:11

It’s their entitlement at expecting you to just follow on behind them like a dog too. So rude

That was how the friend I mentioned earlier made me feel. Like I was a chattel rather than someone he was choosing to spend time with. And in a crowd I'd lose him because it wouldn't even occur to him to look back and check that I still had sight of him.

And for the record, I'm not a slow walker.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 11:09

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2023 10:37

I'm not going to comment on the walking as other people have but OP, why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

I don't know if he's a man you want to be with going forwards but that level of control about the monument and insistence on seeing it at the exact same time, screams to me that your husband was making a point of not complying, exerting and showing his displeasure of your arrangement.

Worth a conversation when you're back home I think.

I totally and utterly disagree with you.

Why do we go on holiday with others if it's not to share the experience? If it's not for that we'd just go on our own.

What the OP's husband is doing is making it into two groups. Him and the children and the OP following on behind. She's the one isolated and not being part of it.

It's perfectly normal to want to share special times with others, not some weird personal oddity as you're implying.

I'm perfectly able to enjoy activities or special places on my own, and have done. But it's always preferable to share them with people I love.

LovelyJubbly12345 · 07/08/2023 11:09

There's something really uncaring about this, isn't there? I mean, he is your DH, he is supposed to look after you. Not stride ahead and have no idea whether you just got knocked over!

DH and I were at an airport recently, and saw this exact scenario. Man striding ahead with his case, wife struggling behind with her case. Not even a backward glance from him. She was older and a bit fragile, and couldn't get her case through the door (I think there was a raised bit her wheels were getting stuck on), so my DH helped her. Her own DH was long gone. It really shocked us, and was horrible to see.

My DH is 6 ft 3 and I'm 5ft 1. He could stride ahead if he wanted, but he doesn't, he wheels my case for me and we walk together.

Op, I would simply disappear when he does this next. Like a PP alluded, nip into a shop or something. Do it every time until he gets the message.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/08/2023 11:06

I had an acquaintance who was being left behind on a trip and she simply went home. Didn’t tell them as they were miles ahead. They eventually rang her I think to see where she was.
Maybe don’t trail behind and see what reaction is. Just do own thing. All the better if you have the car keys, tickets, food etc.

pinkyredrose · 07/08/2023 11:05

Doodat · 07/08/2023 08:01

My husband does this too OP.

He also made our engagement, wedding, home purchase, and birth of our child all about him. He’s more self involved than I could ever express because it’s all in these small ways like walking in front of you, so you end up feeling petty if you get upset about it.

Why are you with him?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 07/08/2023 11:05

If someone walks the same pace as you, you can chat, hold hands, comment on things, look together. It's nice to do things together; not so nice to be trailing in the wake of someone racing ahead, especially when you ask them to wait and they don't.

My children would wait for me and let their dad go ahead in this scenario. They wouldn't let me fall behind, they are used to having to do this (disabled granny, I have mobility problems) and they'd check in if I was ok.

I don't think everyone has to arrive exactly at the same point at the same time to make something meaningful, but usually people are conscious if gaps have opened up and wait/adjust themselves to this; also walking on the moors would be fine for bigger gaps, walking in a big crowded city, usually you would want to keep tightly together.

If this happened when we were alone, the two of us, I'd be very peeved. Just like getting ready to leave a restaurant, everyone goes together (my husband who is dead now always used to hold my coat for me to put on, such a tiny but special gesture).

If this is just about perceiving walking as goal-oriented (to get it over with) then it's different, but making you feel crap and a burden rather than an integral part of the family seems wider than this- you are worried the kids are seeing you wrongly as well and I'd be worried about that too.

Rosiem2808 · 07/08/2023 11:00

I think it is rudeness. There is no excuse good enough (longer legs etc) and shows what the other person really thinks when they walk ahead. It destroys a lovely walk and nice conversation and they know it.

Awittyfool · 07/08/2023 11:00

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/08/2023 10:37

I'm not going to comment on the walking as other people have but OP, why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

I don't know if he's a man you want to be with going forwards but that level of control about the monument and insistence on seeing it at the exact same time, screams to me that your husband was making a point of not complying, exerting and showing his displeasure of your arrangement.

Worth a conversation when you're back home I think.

It’s supposed to be a shared family holiday. It’s the sort of thing you do together and can talk about afterwards. Op hasn’t mentioned Insta or any other stupid capture the moment activity. It’s just seeing something awesome and notable together.
Why should the Op have to do the holiday by herself 10 minutes behind the rest of them.

BarrelOfOtters · 07/08/2023 10:53

This is one of those things where I fairly frequently watch my husband doing it and wonder whether my standards are too low....

ScribblingPixie · 07/08/2023 10:52

I think ppl are getting fixated on the fast walking vs slow walking. The real issue is that OP's H, for this particular event, was an absolute dick, depriving her of a special family moment. And then he waved off her feelings

This

Dixiechickonhols · 07/08/2023 10:51

The Op shouted wait and the whole family ignored her and carried on. Op did catch them up but what if she was shouting wait because she needed to go back to car, her shoe had broken or she had hurt her ankle etc.

SapphireSeptember · 07/08/2023 10:48

My exH was like this, he's a whole foot and a half taller than me. I used to get fed up and just go at my own pace. Meanwhile I'm actually quite a fast walker and a friend of mine struggles to keep up with me, so I slow down when I'm with her, especially now her DD walks instead of being in a buggy. Definitely slower than me and my friend! It's funny how women can walk slowly for children, but men aren't expected to walk more slowly for their female partners.

cordelia16 · 07/08/2023 10:47

AvidMerrian · 07/08/2023 07:36

Now, somebody would pull this stunt with me precisely once and I would never speak to them again. Manipulating others like that is a very quick way of breaking friendships.

OP, I have some sympathy and you don’t seem to be well suited. I loathe being around slow walkers and would have to mentally steel myself to slow down and accept that it had been rather spoiled for me. I would tend to check with someone what their preferred pace is: (e.g. in an Art Gallery) and I would expect them to agree to meet up if there was a discrepancy.

I think you have really taken it to heart and attributed meaning to his walking ahead that isn’t there. On the other hand, it is equally OK for you to say “I’m doing this at my pace, and if you have to wait at the end, then I don’t care.” Perhaps experiencing you putting yourself first occasionally wouldn’t do any harm.

Show quote history

From my reading, the OP was mainly taking issue with this particular time where her H walked ahead. She also said he had seen this landmark a few times before, so therefore shouldn't have been so eager to get there that he left his wife behind. OP wanted to be there at the exact same moment as her family, so she could share that "first sighting" experience with them.

I think ppl are getting fixated on the fast walking vs slow walking. The real issue is that OP's H, for this particular event, was an absolute dick, depriving her of a special family moment. And then he waved off her feelings, because he wouldn't have had an issue.

OP, I understand why you feel hurt. I would have done, as well. Fortunately, as fast a walker as my husband normally is, he doesn't put his needs above that of his wife and family. Your H was disrespectful and selfish here. I'm sorry.

M340 · 07/08/2023 10:47

Doingmybest12 · 07/08/2023 06:39

I think if this happens regularly and I was so bothered about seeing the landmark at the same time as the others ,I'd have said on arrival to please walk at my pace and explained why. I think this all sounds like high pressure for this trip though, what were you going to do if your dc shrugged when they saw it, husband had already seen it twice. Unless there are other big problems I think you are making a big deal of this.

I agree. The 'sharing a family moment of seeing their expressions / reactions when they got to the landmark' all sounds a bit OTT.

Your husband is rude though.

Lenor · 07/08/2023 10:45

My dad did this sort of thing my entire childhood. Every family event he was zooming ahead, to the point it actually made him quite stressed and he’d be short tempered and bad company anyway. I hated it as a child and still hate it now.

How old are your children? I understand their behaviour was influenced by their dad, but I’d absolutely be pointing out to the entire family how it made you feel. My eldest daughter is 5 but already I’ve started to make her aware of how her actions affect other people, even when an adult is leading the way. For example, her and her dad ate an entire tray of roasted veg that I’d made for everyone. I expressed my disappointment to both of them, even though my DH was the most responsible.

JobDilemmaEmma · 07/08/2023 10:45

My ex did this to me regardless of where we were going - out for a walk, around a museum or art gallery, ‘pootling’ along on holiday. It was symptomatic of him not actually wanting anything to do with me, wanting everything on his terms. He’d barely interact with me, and when we were in a LDR for a couple of years, he’d turn his phone off so he’d be completely uncontactable. He seemed to really think I was beneath him and not worth bothering with, he just expected me to be there when he deigned to pick me up again. It was one symptom of the reason he’s an ex.

I was on another thread recently where a poster said the walking ahead thing is also a sign of avoidant attachment, which definitely sounds familiar when I think of other behaviours of my ex.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/08/2023 10:45

I can understand if Op has spent months planning an expensive holiday. You have in your mind while you are arranging everything how it will be. Wanting to see the Grand Canyon or whatever with your family as opposed to after them isn’t unreasonable.
I’m going in a once in a lifetime type holiday in a few weeks. Taken hours of planning, we’ve all been watching you tube etc. Seeing x for the first time is a big part of trip.

LovelyAutumndays · 07/08/2023 10:45

Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 05:25

My dad is like this and my sister.
Now I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, I can see that my dad probably has it too.
He cannot help but walk miles in front. I remember his previous partner being furious about it. My DH used to (affectionately I hope!) refer to me as Turbo.
When you have ADHD you feel as though you are being powered by a motor and it’s quite beyond your control.
Does your DH seem in a rush in everything his does? Does he get easily overwhelmed by his feelings of impatience?

He could listen to you and try to rail against his natural state (if he does have ADHD) to show you respect but if it is ADHD he will struggle with this.

I have ADHD and do walk ahead. I hadn't realised how rude it was until my daughter started doing it to me (also has ADHD).
It is like you just want to get to a place and you are so focused in your head to get there. Also I get sensory overload so just want to get to where I need to go so I can avoid the crowds, noise, cars, people etc
I wouldn't think I was being rude.

Honestly though when my daughter does it I can see how upsetting it is for others. What I do now is I just stop where I am and then she has to come back to me ( she is a teenager).
I have really tried to stop walking ahead myself because I can see how it makes the person behind feel.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 07/08/2023 10:44

i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right?

I don’t understand how seeing a landmark at exactly the same time as the rest of the family is something special, especially when he’s already seen it twice.

If I was taking my DD somewhere that she wanted to really see then I would let her go first so she could point things out to me, but then she’s a child.

I think you’re taking it too personally and that it hasn’t ruined any special family moments but I do think he’s inconsiderate and a bit of an arse, as it seems he’s not even trying to slow down or make an effort.

I would just carry on going at your own pace though, don’t worry about trying to keep up.
If he zooms around and is finished before you then he’ll just need to wait.

londonmummy1966 · 07/08/2023 10:44

Your DH has made it clear that how this behaviour makes you feel is unimportant as far as he is concerned. SO continuing to tell him that is not going to work. Next time, instead of discussing feelings tell him that it is bad manners and disrespectful and that you are concerned that his modelling rude unpleasant behaviour is now wearing off on his DC. Point out that just because his parents were happy to bring up an inconsiderate and rude oaf doesn't mean that you are prepared to do the same. Tell him that you are going to have a conversation with the DC in order to nip this incipient ill-mannered behaviour in the bud and that thereafter you will call them out on it every single time they behave in that way (and that there will be - minor- consequences if they continue). If they comment on their father continuing to behave like this ust shrug and point out to them that now they can see/understand how rude it is.

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:42

why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

Yes, this too.