Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

Op hasn't actually come back to clarify which of these it is though

Op describes him as ultra fast and barging through.
That’s very different scenario to a couple walking at different paces.
Leaving Op trailing at airport. It’s horrible to watch women treated this way.
I can remember being a teen and my whole family sped off to a taxi. I was at a railway station and wheel had fallen off my suitcase. Total lack of concern for you is hurtful.

I think it's fine to ask the slower walker to speed up a bit if you are say on a hike and are interested in keeping up fitness, or my mum walks on her own briskly most days for 30 min as her partner can no longer walk fast and she wants to be healthy. Or for everyday activities where you are busy, fine for one person to run around and the other to take their time, if agreed.

I think striding ahead and taking the kids with you and not waiting when asked is a whole different ballgame in a busy city on hols, that's really dickish. My MIL walks incredibly slowly with sticks but if we are out together on hols, we do that.

I just know the OP's husband is dickish in other ways too, it's a sign he doesn't care she's left behind and won't adapt even if she raises it.

I couldnt imagine going ahead knowing that it meant another member of the family missing out on that moment. Why would i even?

I'm sorry, but I don't get this "missing out on that moment" issue.

Why does it matter if one of you gets to see the beautiful view before the others?

I agree that you husband is being a dick, but the other issue is just a non issue for me.

I am a fairly fast walker, but I adjust my speed to the slower walkers. Although, I agree walking at a different speed to your normal is tiring whether it is too fast or too slow.

Lots of people on this thread are asking why the ones striding on ahead can't just slow down, as if it is just a simple adjustment when you set off to decide to walk at a slower pace, but it actually requires constant effort and attention.

It is a simple adjustment imo. It's almost as if the fast walkers think that their slower-walking partners have never experienced walking with anyone who is even slower than them. Most of them will have done. It's not difficult.

To add: it does sound as though the op's husband was being a bit of a dick, but it is clearly part of the wider dynamic between them, and I think @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe makes some very interesting points as well

Loads of reasons - co ordinating the first time you see something all exactly at the same split second isn't one of them.

I have found this thread fascinating. I have a lot of sympathy for the op, but as a fast walker I can relate to the husband's behaviour too. Lots of people on this thread are asking why the ones striding on ahead can't just slow down, as if it is just a simple adjustment when you set off to decide to walk at a slower pace, but it actually requires constant effort and attention. If I am walking with others I have to make a real effort not to naturally move to the front of the group. Once in front I find myself pulling ahead, even when consciously trying to slow down. To counter this I might deliberately stay back, but then I find myself having to constantly stop and wait, or anticipate places where the person in front of me is likely to slow down so that I don't accidentally bump into them. It does take constant effort, it is frustrating and it takes a lot of the pleasure out of walking.
In many situations it is easier all round if everyone just sets a pace they're comfortable with and regroups from time to time.

I hear you, OP. My ex husband was like this.
He did it in supermarkets as well - I used to go looking down aisles for him and there was no sign of the fucker. Used to put me in an absolute fuming rage and one night I walked out (of the supermarket) and left him there.
Took me a bit longer to walk out of the marriage but I did.
All the best to you.

I don’t think YABU at all.

Like an earlier PP my dad used to do similar but it was actually sitting in the car before we left to go out and he’d sit in the car revving the engine. My DM would be inside getting stressed, rushing around, making sure dogs were settled and house was locked up and had everything. I used to think it was amusing as a kid.

As an adult I see that it is dickhead behaviour and was part of a pattern of abusive/gaslighting behaviour. I realise now my dad is one of the most selfish unpleasant people going.

Yes I think that’s the other point of it being sensible to walk together- what if there’s an actual problem and the other person needs to be alerted?

@ChiefWiggumsBoy
I guess we wanted our children to experience the Wonders of the World each in their own unique way. We did not feel the need to prescribe or insist on a coordinated experience down to the moment.

For sure this particular scenario sounds problematic...but more generally and if there aren't health concerns and we're not talking super fast walking/ jogging speeds...why should the faster walking person always accommodate the slower walking person and not vice versa?

I mean I've already posted on this thread, and as the faster person that is what I do, I slow down as I don't want to be a dick (F/F relationship)...but my fitness level has deteriorated as a result and I have slightly higher blood pressure and resting heart rate now.

Why is it ok for my fitness levels and general health to be compromised? All the evidence points to points faster walking speeds being healthier, I guess that's what partners should want for each other too. But, like I say, you're perceived as a bit of a dick if you hope for your partner to walk a bit faster so the compromise always goes the other way.

I feel like you’re both being a bit unreasonable but him a bit more.

m it’s rubbish of him to race on ahead and leave you trailing behind. My husband is a really fast walker, I’m not a dawdler but he is mega fast and he always adjust his speed when out with me and the kids. So yes he should definitely be aware of his speed - I was always told to set pace with the slowest in a group, to keep everyone together.

on the other hand, I do find the amount of significance you put on seeing this sight a bit intense. Would you have been upset if you’d seen their reaction and they hadn’t been wowed by it? Was it crystal clear (explicit, not implied) that you wanted to be together at that moment?

we tried to have a family moment /photo at a really significant location last year (thousands of miles and thousands of pounds away from home) that went wrong because our DC who are young didn’t “get it” and wouldn’t join in with a picture without grimacing. DH was really upset about it and still is, whereas I was disappointed but shrugged it off as holding onto that disappointment really doesn’t help or change anything.

Genuinely don't understand those of you trying to justify this behaviour.

OP is married to this man. He's supposed to love her - and he can't even trouble himself to walk a little slower so she can keep up?

How shit must you relationships be if you're happy for your husband and children to forge ahead without you to see a particular wonder of the world rather than moderate their walking speed a little. Maybe OP is 5 ft tall and her kids and husband are all over 6 ft?

And sorry, I don't buy 'it's painful' unless you're being metaphorical.

YANBU @Gotthetshirt1.

I felt awful last year when I was left constantly behind on trip away - and that was with one teen often stopping with me bit and DH often eventually waiting though impatiently. DH had been very focused and rushed to get to accommodation and trying to keep up I did my ankle in - and spent entire weekend in tears feeling left out and in pain.

Just had trip when he was dashing around - but my teens often stuck with me and found him difficult to keep up with. I've also taken a leaf out of MIL book last 12 months - IL - MIL especially slowed down few years ago before speeding up a bit and she walks at her pace you walk with her or you don't - and sometimes I have to take a breath and slow down to my pace and expect them to wait and they do. It was an occasional annoyance and in some locations feeling more hurried than ideal but not so upsetting as before - though with train back did wonder why there was such a rush only to have to wait hours for our train.

I don't run down escalators or stairs - risk of tripping and hurting myself is too high but I personally wouldn't be so hung up on getting to sight at same time more making sure I had enough time to view.

I'd start putting things like passports, venue tickets etc into your bag, so you can happily wander at your own pace and they have to wait. I'd also take my time looking at things rather than having to keep up with them .

Good tactics.

I think I've spent last 12 months getting DH to slow down when it's just us two - he does notice more when it two of us

@Greenberg2
When you go on vacation with others do you require that everyone view given sites at the exact same moment. When my children viewed the Sphinx at Gaza, it was awesome and they talked about for quite some time, and yet I could not tell you at what moment any one of them first viewed it. It is wanting to exert a significant amount of control to expect or insist on an exact moment view.@

I'm starting to wonder if it's a narcissistic trait to insist that no one takes a peek at the Niagara Falls (or the pyramids or whatever) until the person who organised the trip and wants the pay-off of seeing the look of delight on the family's faces is ready with the camera. Talk about pressure to perform and reward mummy.

I really think lots of people haven’t experienced the fast barge through people walk it sounds like her DH does. Even if Op speed walks to keep up she won’t be able to as she’s not going to deliberately walk at people and people won’t move in same way for a woman as they do for a man barrelling through.
Airports are often somewhere you see this behaviour.

This reminds me of my first dh, we got married abroad and after the ceremony we walked back to our villa along the beach. He strode ahead of me and I looked a complete idiot walking in a wedding dress, alone on the beach. Needless to say the marriage didn't last long. He was a selfish prick in most aspects

I remember leaving hospital with our newborn and xh had the carseat and was striding ahead down the corridors completely leaving me behind - i'd had a section and just couldn't keep up. I burst out crying!

It's such a selfish mindset to be either so lacking in consideration and spatial awareness to not notice you left behind or to be so callous as to not care.

On a similar note, I was friends with 'mean girls' at school and we'd walk in a line of 3 or 4 but when there was a corner, other people or an obstacle it was ALWAYS me who had to give way and then trail behind the trying to catch back up. Being expected to give way riles me to this day - ie. a family of 4 taking up the whole pavement so me and my dc have to go in the road. Be spatially aware!

@Gotthetshirt1

I am not sure that I can understand this complaint. You say that your children are keeping up pace with your husband. Perhaps they are all walking at for them what is a normal pace. You say that you arrived s moment later. You say this happens with your husband all of the time.

Is it possible that he might agree to slow down a bit if you agreed to step up your pace a bit? Do you have a physical condition that prohibits you from keeping pave with the rest of your family?

Maybe they did not know that a condition of enjoyment for you was that you all see the sight at the exact same moment.

If something is that important to you, it is on you to convey that to your family. You may not be able to get your husband to slow down. It may be as difficult for him to slow down as it is for you to speed up, but surely you have some control over your children.

I can truthfully say that my family has traveled extensively on various continents, and I don't think anyone of us could say at what particular moment any of us viewed a given site for the first time. But if that mattered to you , then you should have made them aware of that. I don't think that you should have assumed that to be something that would have normally occurred to them.

An option for some local activities might be to go separately and meet them at the location. In doing this ,no one has to curtail or modify their movements , and you can enjoy the activity without critiquing each other's
pace.

I read an article recently that listed "walking ahead" as a narcissistic trait. That really stood out for me and makes sense.

DH doesn't usually do that to me but occasionally does, though not in such an extreme way as your dh. But when we're with our teenagers they will all go marching off ahead of me. They don't even look to see if I'm still there.

They did this recently on the way home, and I realised how disrespected I felt. I felt like I was treated as not being part of the family group. And there's the implication that I'm slow - I am absolutely not a slow walker and often feel frustrated if I'm blocked on the pavement by people who are.

I've decided that the very next time he does it, I'll ask him not to and explain how it feels.

OP you mentioned airports, did you post about this before? There was another post about a "D"H racing ahead of his wife at the airport in an utterly ridiculous way.

Why do we go on holiday with others if it's not to share the experience?

Because we want someone to talk to over dinner in the evening. Because travelling is easier with another person at times — helps reduce the stress. Because sharing the driving and the cost makes it easier to go away. Because our holiday companion speaks the language/ knows about art and architecture and enjoys sharing their skills. Because we like their company and we both choose to holiday together. I could go on.

When he says things like 'well I wouldn't care' can you respond to him with 'well maybe you don't, but I do and I find it hurtful when you don't take my thoughts or feelings into consideration' if he then huffs or responds with anything other than an apology, he doesn't respect, or give a shit about your thoughts or feelings.

I'd start putting things like passports, venue tickets etc into your bag, so you can happily wander at your own pace and they have to wait. I'd also take my time looking at things rather than having to keep up with them .