Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
pinkyredrose · 26/06/2025 19:46

ThisHangryRedBiscuit · 26/06/2025 19:13

Thank you very much. Ditching them will be easy anyway. I don't live near them and only see them a few times a year. I'm concentrating on the people who live nearer to me and who I see regularly.

Show quote history

That's great, save your energy and time for people who care about you!

Catsandcheese · 26/06/2025 19:22

We have just come back from holiday and I was doing a lot of people watching while there. There is a whole world full of old men striding out paces ahead of their wives, and it struck me that that is a horrible way to exist. Always 5-10 feet behind the wonderful husband.

OP I agree with you, it is really disrespectful of your husband, especially when you were visiting a wonderful landmark that you wanted to share with him

ThisHangryRedBiscuit · 26/06/2025 19:13

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2025 13:32

They don't sound like very good 'friends', I'd ditch them, life too short to spend time with people that don't care about you.

Show quote history

Thank you very much. Ditching them will be easy anyway. I don't live near them and only see them a few times a year. I'm concentrating on the people who live nearer to me and who I see regularly.

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2025 13:32

ThisHangryRedBiscuit · 19/06/2025 15:34

I fully sympathize. I've just returned home from two full days in London with a couple of friends. They were both walking so fast the entire time, I couldn't keep up with either of them. It's been very warm as well, and obviously even hotter in London. I did try to get them to slow down and wait for me, but they didn't. So, on the last evening, which was yesterday, I just left them to walk really quickly and chat together, while I just walked much slower and very much behind them. There were several people between us. They didn't even look to see where I was or if I was OK. Anyway, the last bit of really fast walking was this morning, on the way back to the tube and we went our separate ways at the underground. I won't see them for a little while now as i don't live near them, so probably the next time it will be cooler again. But all the same, should I have sped up and walked so fast that i was sweating, or should they have been more considerate. I am very fortunate in that my best friend only lives five minutes away from me and we walk together at a sensible pace. My friends who live much closer to me who I see regularly are also much more sensible. I would never leave somebody behind to the point that they're struggling and feeling left out. It's not the speed of the walking that's the trouble it's the fact that they're walking so fast I can't join in. Anyway, rant over.

They don't sound like very good 'friends', I'd ditch them, life too short to spend time with people that don't care about you.

ThisHangryRedBiscuit · 19/06/2025 15:34

I fully sympathize. I've just returned home from two full days in London with a couple of friends. They were both walking so fast the entire time, I couldn't keep up with either of them. It's been very warm as well, and obviously even hotter in London. I did try to get them to slow down and wait for me, but they didn't. So, on the last evening, which was yesterday, I just left them to walk really quickly and chat together, while I just walked much slower and very much behind them. There were several people between us. They didn't even look to see where I was or if I was OK. Anyway, the last bit of really fast walking was this morning, on the way back to the tube and we went our separate ways at the underground. I won't see them for a little while now as i don't live near them, so probably the next time it will be cooler again. But all the same, should I have sped up and walked so fast that i was sweating, or should they have been more considerate. I am very fortunate in that my best friend only lives five minutes away from me and we walk together at a sensible pace. My friends who live much closer to me who I see regularly are also much more sensible. I would never leave somebody behind to the point that they're struggling and feeling left out. It's not the speed of the walking that's the trouble it's the fact that they're walking so fast I can't join in. Anyway, rant over.

Sh4rkAttack · 29/08/2023 21:09

cardibach · 29/08/2023 16:07

This is probably true when going for a walk - though somebody needs to be responsible for nobody being left behind/hurt. This situation is different though. On holiday walking to an attraction I’d expect people to be strolling, chatting and looking at the surroundings - just generally taking in the place and atmosphere.

Show quote history

I was intending to reply to this in my post above.

Sh4rkAttack · 29/08/2023 21:02

I agree with this. I was thinking more of going for a walk and this situation is different.

cardibach · 29/08/2023 18:37

Mari9999 · 08/08/2023 01:05

Why is the person walking faster presumed not to be walking at what is a normal pace for them? Why isn't the assumption not that the person walking slower not demonstrating the same control issues that are attributed to the faster walker?

When we traveled with elderly parents or a mobility impaired family member, we often took tour buses to a!low every to see the sights , but not to be made uncomfortable in doing so. We would often then go a second day without the elderly parents to some sights to allow others to experience the sights in a more mobile manner.

It is reasonable to ask both the faster and the slower walker to attempt to modify their pace. That is a reasonable compromise. Neither the faster nor the slower walker is entitled to set the pace for the entire group. Accommodations should be made for the elderly and the mobility impaired; beyond that everyone else regardless of their pace preference should be willing to compromise. It should not be assumed that it is any easier for the fast-paced walker to charge than for a slower paced walker , and neither should feel entitled to an automatic accommodation.

See, that’s just not the case. When actually walking - a walking group - the pace should be set by the slowest member. I was taught this when I did DofE. It’s for safety, primarily, but I don’t see why it doesn’t apply the rest of the time.

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind
cardibach · 29/08/2023 16:07

Sh4rkAttack · 07/08/2023 12:04

I have found this thread fascinating. I have a lot of sympathy for the op, but as a fast walker I can relate to the husband's behaviour too. Lots of people on this thread are asking why the ones striding on ahead can't just slow down, as if it is just a simple adjustment when you set off to decide to walk at a slower pace, but it actually requires constant effort and attention. If I am walking with others I have to make a real effort not to naturally move to the front of the group. Once in front I find myself pulling ahead, even when consciously trying to slow down. To counter this I might deliberately stay back, but then I find myself having to constantly stop and wait, or anticipate places where the person in front of me is likely to slow down so that I don't accidentally bump into them. It does take constant effort, it is frustrating and it takes a lot of the pleasure out of walking.
In many situations it is easier all round if everyone just sets a pace they're comfortable with and regroups from time to time.

This is probably true when going for a walk - though somebody needs to be responsible for nobody being left behind/hurt. This situation is different though. On holiday walking to an attraction I’d expect people to be strolling, chatting and looking at the surroundings - just generally taking in the place and atmosphere.

TheRiotAct · 29/08/2023 09:42

You have every right to be upset OP. It's rude and disrespectful. I feel your pain. My husband raced ahead of me as we were entering a wedding reception recently. He was about 20 steps ahead of me as I was wearing heels and it honestly looked as though we arrived separately. It's embarrassing and makes you feel worthless.

wordler · 28/08/2023 22:02

What did he say when you asked why he hadn’t waited when you called out?

Feels like you may have to write off his behaviour as something you can’t change - you’ve still got time with the kids though.

Talk to them ahead of time and regularly about respecting others within a group situation, and keeping aware of and working with group dynamics. Particularly about keeping track of the ‘weakest’ or most vulnerable in any group situation.

These are good social skills to have and help develop good team players and is a key component of leadership skills - if you need to widen the conversation to more than ‘why Mum is upset’.

Their future spouses, children, co-workers and friends will all thank you.

If you’ve ever had a really good manager or a really bad manager at work you’ll know that monitoring and working with team dynamics and treating different team members as individuals with specific needs helps the whole team thrive or fail.

Catusrusty · 28/08/2023 21:47

Of course you are not unreasonable OP.

There are so many utterly ridiculous twatty responses in this threat that are laughable. I think my favourite nonsense was the one who thought it was okay to power ahead for cardio vascular fitness reasons. Fuck me, as if they couldn't just do a bit of exercise separately to walking with their partner 😂

You're asking for basic respect, consideration and love.

He knew very very well that sharing this moment was important to you and he purposefully stole that moment with your kids even after being called back. A moment that can never be replaced.

He did it to hurt you. Don't waste your life on someone who doesn't even like you and revels in your pain.

librarian55 · 28/08/2023 16:51

My ex did this all the time. One time we (me, my ex and 2 DDs) were leaving the house together. I stopped to lock the door behind us and when I turned around I saw my ex disappearing round the corner with 2 DDs trailing behind like a parade (they were very young at the time). I unlocked the door and went back into the house until they came back for me (about 5 minutes later). Told him off for being rude and inconsiderate, sadly it didn't cure him, but it did stop my DDs from being so rude.

balzamico · 19/08/2023 17:26

WhoPutThatThere · 14/08/2023 20:49

Have you seen this @Gotthetshirt1 ? Sounds like what you’re talking about https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJpaaFqB/

Thanks for sharing that, very thought provoking as it's been an issue for me throughout my (26 year!) marriage that is either getting worse or I'm getting more annoyed by

Original poster
Gotthetshirt1 · 16/08/2023 01:12

No i hadnt @WhoPutThatThere - resonates completely. Thanks for sharing

OP posts:
WellPlaced · 15/08/2023 09:28

SaponificationQueen · 15/08/2023 07:23

Wow. That was really powerful! Thanks for sharing it.

Show quote history

It is

SaponificationQueen · 15/08/2023 07:23

WhoPutThatThere · 14/08/2023 20:49

Have you seen this @Gotthetshirt1 ? Sounds like what you’re talking about https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJpaaFqB/

Wow. That was really powerful! Thanks for sharing it.

Done2much · 12/08/2023 13:43

what does he do if you take his hand and walk beside him?

ellyeth · 11/08/2023 13:38

I get this too. I like to walk at a good pace but I just can't keep up with him. I think it is unkind and rude, particularly because, when we are with his family/friends (who walk incredibly, and annoyingly, slowly), he dawdles along with them.

eastegg · 11/08/2023 08:13

I’m not sure which I prefer, ‘sanctimonious horseshit’ or ‘gaslighting garbage’. Both excellent descriptions of Mari9999’s nonsense. And what’s all this ‘your boundary rather his’ supposed to mean? Still sounds like you’re saying OP’s the one with the issue? Of course it’s her boundary, what on earth are you getting at?

aloris · 11/08/2023 00:08

Some odd responses here. Generally it's more likely that the faster partner can slow down, than that the slower partner can speed up. I think it's odious to tell someone who is already walking as fast as she can that she should somehow "compromise" by going faster. How? By magic? People on here can be really strange.

I think it is extremely rude to walk ahead of one's spouse like that. In my opinion, men who do this come off as jerks who probably treat their wife like dirt at home. It's like their need to prove that their spouse is inadequate by being slower, disabled, whatever, is more important to them than sharing the experience or ensuring their spouse also has a nice time. Why do you go to see one of the seven wonders? Just to see it? You can do that on the internet.

Mari9999 · 10/08/2023 23:10

@Gotthetshirt1
You have found validation, and yet your situation remains unchanged. So that places the ball in your court. Accept that he is not going to change, and it is your boundary rather than his that has been violated. Do what you must to make your life better.

MsRosley · 10/08/2023 19:55

Yeah, I have to agree with OP that your post was a sack of sanctimonious horseshit, @Mari9999