When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

I used to be in this situation.

Prior to having our first child we both agreed that we’d only have one (for various reasons) and we were both happy with that.

However about a year after our son’s birth the craving for a second started to creep in. I really didn’t want my child to be an only child, which was a driving factor, but I also simply wanted another child.

When I first bought it up with my husband he initially laughed it off but the more I mentioned it he could see I was being serious. He remained adamant that he didn’t want another and that life was good with just one child and I was so upset. I resented the fact that he had the say, and the power to decide something so important and stop me from having something I really wanted.

I continued to bring it up again every few months and then one day, something tragic happened at work, involving the death of a child, and when I got home I cried on my husband’s shoulder for ages and due to the nature of the topic, the discussion around us having another baby came up again.

This time, although he still wasn’t 100% on board, he said he could see how important it was to me and he agreed to trying for baby number 2.

I got pregnant straight away but sadly miscarried at 8 weeks, and then it took another 11 months to conceive but the arrival of our second son has been an absolute joy to my family.

The age gap is bigger than I’d like but the boys absolutely adore each other - they’re best friends and attached at the hip all the time.

Even my husband can see that hack g a second baby was absolutely the right thing to do and he has no regrets whatsoever.

If the best excuse your husband can come up with is to complain about buying a bigger car, then it doesn’t come across to me that he’s very strongly against it otherwise he’d had much more emotional based reasons than just that.

My advice is to sit him down, in a quiet undisturbed area, and really explain to him how much you want a second child and all the reasons it is important to you. Give him the opportunity to voice his concerns, and take them on board, but as much as people may disagree with this, the only way you will get another baby is to change your husbands’ mind. That concept can be frowned upon by MN but it’s the reality.

I think some men class women as being quite wishy washy about wanting children because they think we “just want a baby because that’s how’s women are”, when in reality women usually have a very strong urge, emotionally and biologically to have another child, and it’s important your husband is really made to see why this matters so much to you.

The concept of not wanting our first child to be an only child was what I really focused on and I explained why I felt so strongly about this and how I thought a second baby could also benefit our current son as well as simply being a wonderful addition to our family in their own right, and I think when my husband really listened to me and truly heard me, as opposed to just brushing me off with jokes and excuses, he then understood why it was so important to me.

You’re in a very difficult situation OP but you are not unreasonable at all to feel the way you are. It’s hard to accept that for all the equally progress that has been made between men and women, men still hold this level of control over us when it comes to something so important as having children.

The best of luck OP and I truly hope you get your second baby.

And when he feels pressured into giving the OP another child because she simply WANTS one and decides later on down the line he can't handle that, regrets his choice, carves a new life for himself and leaves he's slated for it.

I think if my ex husband had been in control of finances/the main earner like I am he would have insisted we stop at one. As it is he didn't really have much of an argument since I earned all the money and did 99% of the parenting. I think if you are on an equal footing in terms of financial contribution to the family and what you contribute to the physical and mental load of parenting then it should absolutely be a joint decision how many children you have. The problem comes when one - usually the man - earns more and therefore he has an immediate response in that you can't afford it. And really you can't argue whether he is wrong or not if you are the lower earner / stay at home parent / take a year off on maternity and don't have the full details of what your family costs to support or indeed carry the weight of responsibility to pay for it

OP, he doesn’t need a reason beyond not wanting one. Doesn’t matter whether he always wanted one or used to want 6 and changed his mind when he found out what parenting is like.

I can't agree with this.

In a healthy, loving marriage, meeting the needs of both partners should be important.

So if OP really wants a 2nd baby, and her DH equally doesn't, then both need to be open to discussing the matter, understanding the other's viewpoint & seeking help via counselling or similar to reach an agreed position.

It's far more nuanced than 'the person who doesn't want more children gets to decide'.

I really feel for women who want more children but their DH/DP doesn't - the idea you can leave & find someone else to have a baby with is a trite suggestion and ignores the fact that the woman presumably loves her DH & wants to keep her family intact.

And as to reasons, absolutely he should have more than just 'not wanting one'. If the person you love is devastated by that decision, you'd better have very good reasons to support how you feel.

In a situation like this the wants of the person not wanting another child should win. Sorry OP. He has every right to change his mind at any time, just as you do.

All the posts that we see day in, day out of women saying their partners aren't interested in being dad's, they dunno what happened etc your DP/DH is telling you they don't want another DC, so don't force the issue, don't pressure them. Learn to accept it for your other child's sake or find someone to have another DC with.

Also I think we see more women regretting having more kids than not having kids (especially now with the cost of the cost of living crisis, being unable to have stable, long term work/housing, not knowing which crisis we are heading into next)

This. Your choice OP.

This is why families in countries with reliable contraception tend to be small. It takes 2 to decide to have more children, one to decide to stop.

I found it was possible to argue/talk somebody into a second child on this basis - just too much weight and expectation on that only child. Much more difficult when if comes to number three. Think you just have to accept when the other person wants to stop at 2.

The "no" always prevails. Rightfully so.

I'm an only child that never wanted siblings. I planned to have two or three with my husband but had a terrible time of it during pregnancy and birth so only had one. I am actually glad now that we stopped at one, as we have had many opportunities left open to us (emigrating for example) that would have been much more difficult and expensive with more kids. My son has also never wanted siblings (he knows he has it good!). In your case, both parents need to want another child, that's just how it works. Unless you want to go it alone you need to respect his wishes.

This has happened often in my friendship circle and I would say it's less of an issue when one wants 2 and the other 3 (in all my friends case it's the man that wants 2 and the woman that wants 3). Friends have agreed to two and only now and then wish they had more, but feel happy with their two.

However, to my friends who only have 1 b/c other parent won't agree to second, there's a lot of resentment. I think b/c it feels like they aren't just doing it to their partner but also to their child who now has no siblings. I have 3 friends in this situation and it's put a real strain on their marriage. I have other friends who've gone on to have another (intentional or not) and it's all worked out fine. Not that I'm saying that should happen, just that it did and they got through it and now have two very doted on dc.

I had very few deal breakers - for me it was must have more than one child. Truth is it was at least 3, but I would have compromised on 2/3 for the right partner, but only wanting one was a deal breaker.

I'd sit down with him and write down every pro/con and then look at what are the ones that really matter vs which ones are about convenience/small manageable things. I do wonder if your partner is coming up with small/silly reasons b/c the truth is they just don't want another.

Car is not the issue here - as someone else said it’s a red herring.
DH and I always thought we’d have more than 1. But after the first he wanted to stop there, he didn’t have the headspace for another- whereas I really wanted more. Ultimately very happy we didn’t have more. We have a lovely life.

Are you seriously needing a new car with 1 child and a dog. I have 4 and 3 have car seats in back then I have my Labrador in the back and when we holiday then the bags pile up around us lol

It's really not - been married for 33 years and we never discussed how many children we'd have, and we'd been together for 12 years, married for 5, when we had our first. We just winged it!! Ended up with 3!

Yeah yanbu for venting about this.
You have just as much right (In theory) to insist on having a 2nd child as he has to insist on not having one.
Maybe if you were insisting on a 3rd or 4th but it's quite reasonable to feel pissed off for being denied a 2nd child.

@WeeWillyWinkie9

Wrong . Fertility DOES wane with age. Where on earth did you get that it doesn't??. Fertility decreases gradually UNTIL menopause.

You have a choice. You leave and find (hope) you find someone else who wants a child with you. Neither of you have the right to force your views on each other. He has stated, quite clearly, he doesn't want another child, whether you think his reasons are silly is not the point. You are stating, quite clearly, you do want another child. So in order for you both to have what you want, you leave the relationship. You can't force someone to have a child, or not.

Unfortunately yes. But it's not him winning vs you winning, it's the person who says "no" gets the casting vote. For DH and I that would apply in anything, not his view taking precedence over mine but a thing doesn't happen unless we are both happy with it.

FWIW I have 2 children and while it's nice to have a family of 4, they aren't companions to each other like you might imagine. I think the onlies I know whose parents get down and play with them, watch their favourite TV programmes with them, built Minecraft bases with them, invite the odd friend on a day out or sleepover really have a lovely life.

I was in your position. We had a lot of heart to hearts and did eventually have another. You both have to be completely honest and it doesn't sound like he is being if he is using reasons like a car. Like you I wouldn't have left my husband but I don't think he realised just how much it felt completely 'right' to me to have another and how I felt our family wasn't finished and how much I'd felt like he had pulled the rug out from under me (we'd always spoken about having 'children' not 'a child') and how I knew I'd come to terms with it but I was worried there would be some lingering resentment on my side and there would definitely be a period of grieving which would be difficult for us to get through without blame etc.

He spoke about his reasons for not wanting another, which were all actually valid, and we talked about how we would overcome them (to some extent, but it's always going to be a challenging couple of years with a baby and a pre schooler and it did put a strain on our relationship, as he predicted, and maybe i should have taken his concerns on board more). It was some of the hardest and most frank conversations we've ever had to have and it's such a difficult decision as unlike lots of other things in life, there is no compromise.

I was in your position. I had two and really wanted a third. Dh didn’t, but did agree to have another as he knew I would hate him if he said no. I didn’t threaten him, but he knew how I felt. Also I think it was also because he knew I would say no to getting a dog if he said no to a baby.

Exactly this.

Many, many people regret having a child and even more regret having more than one. The third seems to be the usual tipping balance, actually.

That's irrelevant, honestly. Everyone is entitled to change their mind, especially about something as massive as having children.

That's sarcasm, right?

@nolamesallowed

Nice

What did you discuss/agree before you married?