When one partner wants more/any children, but the other doesn't.

I’m so sorry. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me. You will have loads of pps telling you his decision trumps and you have to accept it or else you’re the worst, but personally I totally disagree. It’s your body, your reproductive choices,
your happiness, they don’t have to be determined by someone else.
If you want another child, make plans to have one- there are various options. He can get on board or not- up to him.
(I think if he realises you are serious he’ll choose to get on board, but you have to be prepared for the alternative which is your family looks different than you expected).

I think it's totally normal and valid that you're upset about this. Because having children is a 'two yesses' situation, there is always a fundamental imbalance in favour of the person who doesn't want the child, because their position is the status quo. It's just a fact of the dispute; nobody's fault, but hard for the person who wants the child to come to terms with.

I'm sorry OP. I hope he changes his mind, or that you can make peace with the matter ♥️

Reading through this thread as I sadly find myself in a similar position.
My partner (33m) and I (32f) have been together almost 6 years and we had our DS in Sept 2023. We always said we wanted 2 children and decided we would start trying for baby no2 this month. He told me yesterday he has changed his mind and only wants one now.

I am completely devastated as I always imagined myself with 2 and I want my son to have a sibling. I feel like I've been blindsided as he is telling me so late.

His reasons are: having less time, being more stressed, money and just not looking forward to having another.

He has now said, its a never say never, but equally, cant see himself changing his mind.

Does anyone have any advice?

It’s not really about the benefits vs disadvantages of having or being an only child. It’s fine if you yourself don’t want a second one. The point is that OP desperately wants a second child. I’m sure many people can relate to the feeling of desperately wanting a child. I remember how desperately I wanted a second child. It was all I wanted, at the time. If my husband hadn’t been on the same page I’m not sure our marriage would have survived.

It’s a very difficult situation. I have no solutions, just empathy. Sorry OP. I hope he changes his mind.

Just have to say this is absolutely hideous of him. A woman should never be guilted into sacrificing her health that way

This thread is from August.

I really feel for you. In these threads people always make this quick throwaway comment about how ‘you can’t force him, you need to get divorced if you want another baby’ which is so unhelpful. You don’t want to start over and have another baby with another man, you want to add to your current family with your current partner.

As you say, you can’t force him - but that doesn’t magically stop it being painful and difficult for you to come to terms with. I hope you’re able to find peace with the situation.

A friend is going through a slightly similar issue. Husband wants / demanding a 3rd child from her, she doesn't want one. She had 2 C-Sections and was left without any help from husband, it's caused her a bit of trauma, unstandlabe really.

The person who doesn't want a child gets the final say.

The thing with your situation is your husband isn't being honest with his reasons, try to get to the bottom of that as needing a bigger car isn't a reason, mayby for the 3rd or 4th, not for a 2nd.

This worries me so maybe you need a bigger car anyway. Is the buggy/luggage secured or could it land on your DC if the worst were to happen and you had an accident? If the car rolled the luggage/buggy could end up crushing DC

I amcurrently on holiday with family with 3 dc and I am so so happy to have an only, as is dd! The endless squabbling takes me right back to my childhood as the youngest of three and I'm so happy dd doesn't have to argue every day of her life. There are pros and cons to every family set up.

I am an only child, as I stated previously. I could not care less about having nieces or nephews. I only have one relative who I am close to, and that's my mum.

If you're going to make a blanket statement calling people selfish then you need to accept other people disagreeing with you. My mum only had one child because that was right for her, and I think the selfish thing is expecting people to have children that they don't want. Maybe consider therapy for the bitterness you're carrying round, it's not healthy.

Agree with this. Also it’s all very well to say that if circumstances allow you should have a 2nd but whether you have an only by choice or circumstance the results are the same. I think you should be careful about extrapolating your specific set of circumstances to others. Also without wanting to get too personal very few people can afford to have five children nor it is environmentally a good option. That’s why so many now are sticking with one/ none these days.

However I think its better to at least had a 50% chance of a good relationship than to have been absolutely denied even that.

It's incredibly dismissive to say things like this. You think the grass is greener. And the chance i worth it. But for me it absolutely wasn't. I know several people whose lives are much much worse because of siblings, mine included.

But I don't go around telling people not to have a second child. So please stop telling people they are selfish for having onlies.

@SemperIdem honestly I'd have loved even stepsiblings. My parents used to Foster and I would latch on to that foster sibling title for dear life!

I'm sure your daughter will be absolutely fine, I am fine. I guess I was always just envious and regretful. Not helped by the fact that my mum would have obviously liked more DC too..

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for being so blunt earlier.

@HotSince82

I do mull over my daughter being an only, often. Though in recent years she has had step siblings, that comes with it’s own worries on my part about her being on the outside looking in, always. For now they all seem to get along well and hopefully that continues throughout their lives. It was circumstance that has kept her an only, rather than health.

Your holiday with your family sounds wonderful, I hope you’re all having the best time 😊

Thank you,

Its difficult as my DH has five siblings, close to all of them and when I was growing up in the nineties all my friends had close sibling relationships.

I'm not wholly naive, I know many don't get along with or feel supported/kinship/bonded with their siblings.

However I think its better to at least had a 50% chance of a good relationship than to have been absolutely denied even that.

On a happier note, I have five DC, we are on holiday at the moment and the nicest thing in my life is witnessing their relationships. They adore each other, silly squabbles notwithstanding.
I'm so pleased I was able to give them what I never had. My mum is so pleased to have so many DGC. She thanked me for them on the h
Journey here, earlier today and is honestly like a third parent to them...

So mine isn't a tale of woe. However it does make me want to warn against only childhood unless it's necessary, which it can be for many reasons, health/finances etc.

@HotSince82 I understand your perspective better following your post.

The thing with siblings is, there is no guarantee they will be close. I know you wish for the shared bond and cache of memories but it so often doesn’t exist within families. Or if it does, not happily so.

I know more adult siblings who are not close, than who are. Variety of ages, from the elderly with surviving siblings downwards. It is sad, really because the general idea is it is not going to be that way.

I'm sorry your brother is an arse.

You at least had a 50% chance that he wouldn't be.

OK my brother and I don't reminisce, he doesn't have children so there are no nieces and nephews, when my dad was sick I did everything and it's a shared childhood where he tried to beat me to a bloody pulp whenever he could and I genuinely thought he might kill me.

Your attempt to diminish MY perspective is rather ignorant,

I’m sorry about your experience but I don’t think it’s very fair to say that parents of only children are selfish. Some people only want one & they are entitled to that decision & shouldn’t be made to feel guilty because of your experience. There are people that have a sibling that wish they didn’t! You know what, life isn’t fair!

Eh?!!!

This is not the reality of multiple children for many families.

@HotSince82 I've not read all your posts, just the last one upthread. My mum is 1 of 3 and she is the only one who bothers to run around when the shit hits the fan for her mum. I know this isn't unique either usually out of a group of siblings it's mainly 1 that is left with the burden of looking after their parents in old age.

I'm not so much angry as regretful, as is my mum who wanted four children but had undiagnosed Hughes syndrome and lost many pregnancies.

I've no reason to be angry at anybody.

It's a shit situation and I'd simply urge any person planning a family not to discount the importance of having a sibling; whether you are particularly close or not - they are a tie to your parents, a link to your shared history. Hopefully a friend and mutual support in to adulthood and your parents' old age.

You seem to be projecting anger at a random poster, rather than at your parents, the ones who denied you a sibling.