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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
TeeBee · 02/08/2023 15:19

Nah, I wouldn't be marrying this joker.

yogasaurus · 02/08/2023 15:18

Do not contribute to her education; why on earth would you contribute when her own mother doesn’t?

I actually was in the same boat, they were all put back in their box.

children are the responsibility of their parents, no one else.

sydenhamhiller · 02/08/2023 15:17

I think this is crimson string of bunting’s worth of red flags and I would be very seriously reconsidering the future of this relationship. You sound lovely - your partner sounds controlling and unreasonable.

SalmonEile · 02/08/2023 15:17

Also how do you split finances now?

SalmonEile · 02/08/2023 15:16

Is private school important to you both?
who brought it up , her mother or your husband to be?
if she has three young siblings then I’m assuming they won’t all be going to private school anyway?

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:14

I suppose I feel as if once we are married any big financial decisions such as paying for a private school education should be agreed with both of us? Doesn't look like I would have much of a say other than us paying 40k a year plus extras on a private school education as the mum won't be able to afford it, which is understandable as she has 3 young children. I am seen as unreasonable e.g. SD has to suffer because her mum can't afford xyz even though we can.

OP posts:
Market1 · 02/08/2023 15:12

I don't like the sound of this set up either, and would not be getting married in this situation. I think you are very right to be setting up boundaries, and maintaining your own life away from SD, and certainly should not be paying for her to go to a private school out of your income

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/08/2023 15:11

Re the private school. If the dad wants it and the mum can’t afford it then she’s right that HE pays or the child doesn’t go. He needs to decide if he can afford it for this child and any future ones. Again that’s not your bill. Also lots of step parents don’t love their step children or take a long time to do so- usually due to pressure and resentment that comes with it. It’s up to you the level you want to go with it but make sure it’s balanced and not you give everything and get nothing. A lot prefer to see themselves more as an aunt or friendly adult than a parent. This often suits the child too who already has 2 parents.

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/08/2023 15:04

Who told you you have to take parental and financial responsibility for his daughter? You don’t!! You are not this child’s parent and should not be expected to be. You should not be topping up her savings (maybe in future if you want to) or paying for her holidays. That’s the job of her parents.
As you say you get no say because she’s not your child, so you also don’t get the responsibility outside of being kind and welcoming and promoting her relationship with her dad.
My 1st reaction is to tell you to run tbh, but assuming you don’t want to do that you need to learn your boundaries and still to them. Get over to the step parents board where you will find people who can give you plenty of advice. You need to start as you mean to go on and I feel you could be easily taken advantage of in case you are considered a bad step mum/bad person.

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