Step parenting

Just remember while you will be told lots that you knew he had a child, he also knew you didn’t. There’s responsibility in that too

100% this, I wish someone had told me this at the beginning, please take note OP!

If you marry someone who wants to pay for their child to go to a private school (either in full or shared with their other parent) then it’s going to impact your household finances as a whole, there’s no way round that. Even if your husband earns a fuckton and you don’t work, it still impacts the total household.

But why on earth are you contributing to a child’s savings now?

I have two great adult stepchildren. I’m the higher earner and their mother is dead - so it was me really that paid their support at uni. Meaning, it came from their dad but he could only afford it because I told him not to make any contribution to our household outgoings.

So I’m right behind “taking on” stepchildren. But the fuck would I be saving money for them!

I’m really interested to know who earns what between you and your boyfriend.

The only thing here that I agree with, is the minute you put your dogs on a thank you card, it looks like a snub to leave his child off. Leave the twee dog nonsense off, unless the dogs paid or hosted?

You gave him £20k? And he still has £60k debt? And he’s talking about private school?

You have the house deposit. You are paying all the deposits for the wedding?

Mate, he saw you coming! Are you quite mad?

Please don’t saddle yourself with this bloke, it will destroy you. How could you afford your own DC? Run, don’t walk away from all this. Plenty more blokes available out there.

Ps the mum would only be unreasonable if she was demanding that the girl went to private school but refused to pay. If she isn't bothered then it's purely on your finance

Mother of God, he saw you coming.

There are so many red flags here.

No one can tell you how you 'should' feel towards someone else. As long as you're kind and inclusive caring that's all that anyone can ask.

My main concern is that your fiance wants you to make practical and financial sacrifices for his daughter, without you having any input into parenting or major financial decisions which will affect your lifestyle.

For example he wants her to go private for school and I assume you have no say in choosing schools and exploring state options etc. But he expects a financial contribution.

He doesn't want you to be involved in any decisions that a day to day parent would make even though he wants you to love her like a parent would.

Ita completely normal for parents to still want to spend some time on their own e.g go away for a weekend. It's completely normal for parents to want their kids to knock before coming into their bedroom. But he is gaslighting you into thinking you shouldn't a. Have a say about these things even though it's your home and your life and b. A loving parent wouldn't make these decisions

I don't say this lightly but please don't marry him. You can't have a husband who takes from you but doesn't give, and who makes huge decisions that will affect you without your input. It will never work

NOTHING you have done or asked for is unreasonable. You are being a saint and going beyond your SD.

I wouldn’t let stepkids deter you from starting your own family. In my case, having my own child has made my step parenting experience easier, no guarantees of this though. However, I WOULD let the weird controlling behaviours of your future DH deter you from marrying or having children with him.

Can I ask why you are getting married OP?

If you are both financially independent and don't have kids together it doesn't t make sense to me.

OP,

You must be out of your mind to consider marrying this controlling man.

You will bitterly regret doing so and will quickly realise that your salary was a huge part of your appeal.

He has his own agenda and it certainly isn't your happiness.

If you were my daughter I would want to shake you for your spectacularly naivety that would allow you to accept this bossy controlling man near your or your money.

HIS child is not entitled to one penny of your salary, much less a private education.

You are being taken for a mug, a fool, a cashcow.

Marry him and you will bitterly regret it.

He most certainly is not a man to have children with.

The minute you marry him, your life won't be your own.

Everything will be about satisfying HIS expectations of you.

Pack your bags and run, while you can.

Shit. You've given him £20k to pay towards HIS debts, and paid the wedding deposits, and despite earning more he hasn't paid anything towards the wedding costs yet? Don't marry him. Don't give him anymore money, stop paying into the joint accounts. Can you withdraw the money that is in the joint accounts now? Call it payback for the £20k.

Then he can’t afford it. How can he then afford to send more children when you have them?
If he chooses to go ahead regardless then do not spend your disposable income on him. You are signing yourself up to solo holidays as he will not be able to afford them. It doesn’t sound like he wants holidays without his daughter anyway.
Just remember while you will be told lots that you knew he had a child, he also knew you didn’t. There’s responsibility in that too. Don’t marry this man until/unless yous can resolve this stuff.

I'm 20+ years into my step parenting journey and my DH still can't accept that I don't love my SC 'like my own' but to me it's a completely unrealistic expectation, and one nobody seems to place on stepdads, only ever stepmums

You are going to need cast iron boundaries if this has any chance of working OP, and you have to consider whether it's worth the amount of effort and energy that will take from you. DH and I eventually came to an uneasy truce about it and it's been mostly ok but does still rear it's ugly head from time to time, even now the SC are adults.

None of what you've posted is unreasonable on your part but your partner's expectations are worrying, it's going to take considerable compromise from him if this set up is going to be fair/bearable for you so you need to ask yourself whether he's capable of that. You and he have fundamentally different views on your role as stepmum and it's very difficult to find a balance everyone is happy with when that is the case.

There’s not much you can do about the in laws involving his ex in holidays, family events, anything really and you will be told you are unreasonable because she’s their grandchild’s mother. I wouldn’t like it either tbh but it can be seen as what you’re signing up for, she will always be a part of it.
She should be paying half of school expenses, uniforms trips etc, but if your dp sends their child to private school and she can’t afford it then what can you expect her to do? If I was her I just wouldn’t agree to it because it leaves her vulnerable too imo but it’s up to them.

I'd say all your instincts are correct. Your partner sounds controlling, and I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

Do not marry this man!! Why are you paying money into savings for a child that is not yours? The whole thing is absolutely bonkers. She is not and will never be your responsibility.

Your DSD has two living and involved parents who can contribute physically and financially to her life; I think your DP is expecting far too much from you.

You shouldn't be contributing to your DSD's savings; how did that come about?

Contact time is for your DSD to spend time with her father, not you, so it's right that you should be going out and about living your child free life when she's there, that way he gets to spend quality time with her - he should not resent you for that.

If he/his ex want to send their DC to private school then it's on them to pay for it.

If, for example, you and your DP earn £2500 each (£5k together) per month, and you need to put £1k each into joint fund for living expenses, (mortgage, bills etc) and you each have £1.5k per month as personal spends, he can spend all of his on his child's education, but can't expect you to put in £1.

His DC's education is not for you to find. If he cant afford to pay for it without you contributing, then he shouldn't be using private schools.

There's so much more to say, but from the outside it looks like you're being used for childcare/entertainment and to cover child costs, which is what her parents should be doing.

Being a stepmother can be hard in any relationship but it sounds very much like your partner is making it that much harder.

The relationship between you and DSD should never be forced. It already sounds like you're doing more than you perhaps should, such as financially contributing to savings. He is her father and she has a mother. You are a bonus person in her life that isn't obliged to do anything but treat her with kindness/respect and create a safe loving home for when she is with you and her dad. That's it.

Your partner sounds very much like the problem and in my opinion, it's something you really need to have a full and frank discussion about before you get married.

I don’t think not going to private school is suffering and I’m actually with her mum on this one. If she can’t afford to send all her kids there she shouldn’t send one. I wouldn’t agree to it even if the dad paid tbh. You should agree big financial decisions in a marriage of course, but it’s always more complicated if they have another child. So he can choose to pay for his child (assuming he can still pay his share of everything else and you aren’t picking up the slack elsewhere). But you shouldn’t pay for it.

I don't think you are unreasonable but there are some elements unreasonable. Your exs family may include who they wish and have a large incentive to keep that relationship positive to access their grandchild.

The attending part of the hen is I feel a reasonable compromise.

Walking into rooms - how old is she - if young she is dealing with two sets of rules which can challenge a young child - get a bolt and put it on when necessary.

Your partner wants private school then he pays. The way your future dh is treating you that is unreasonable - please carefully consider if this is how he is treating you before commitment - what will the future hold.

Holidays without SD that is up to her father - but it would be unusual to go often or for long without children - it comes with the package.

I don't think including dogs and not your SD was the wisest step - it can look a little thoughtless.

Be very careful before you consider adding children into this mix - your partner is displaying some concerning behaviour that I would not want in a one.

When your in laws went away did they bring the child’s siblings as well as their mother?