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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Testina · 02/08/2023 15:54

What kind of fool books an expensive wedding (you mention multiple balances, I’m not saying you’re spending OK! level amounts, but this isn’t local pub, is it?) when they have £100K of debt? (I still think it’s £100K because scamming £20K off your girlfriend isn’t paying off debt)

FloweryWowery · 02/08/2023 15:53

'He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared'

Oh my gosh, this can be real 😮

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:53

Salary wise I earn 60k and when we met he earned about 52k but his business has really taken off and will declare about 200k on tax this financial year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:52

Her mum hasn't mentioned SD going to private school at all so I don' t think there is any expectation from her side. I presumed any debt they had on things like joint credit cards etc would be for both of them to pay back and as she declared bankruptcy that it then has fallen on him?

OP posts:
Jagoda · 02/08/2023 15:51

How old are you @Trying100 ? You sound very naive.

Are there no men without young children, huge debt, and totally unrealistic expectations where you live? Throw this one back, he’s going to drag you down.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 02/08/2023 15:48

My main concern is that your fiance wants you to make practical and financial sacrifices for his daughter, without you having any input into parenting or major financial decisions which will affect your lifestyle.

Yep.

Look, if he's seen you and your bank account coming (he has!!) and your hypothetical children would go to private school because both of you earn well, he doesn't get to send SD using your income to make himself feel better. Her parents cannot afford it. It could be argued that why should SD go private when her mum can't afford to send her 3 half siblings.

As an aside, YANBU, step parenting when both parents are still alive/around is the shit end of the wedge and I'd rather be single forever than marry someone with young children.

janeholden · 02/08/2023 15:47

YANBU to all the above

Coralsunset · 02/08/2023 15:47

@Trying100 Do you have “Mug” tattooed on your forehead?

This situation is insane, he’s rinsing you because he knows you’re desperate to be married. You aren’t the first woman to get taken in by a dud, but for heaven’s sake don’t marry him!

Extricate yourself with as much of your cash as you can recover, lick your wounds, and pick more carefully next time.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:47

His income has increased dramatically since we met. Lots of high value clients that he didn't have when he accrued the debt. He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared, plus he offered to pay off the rest of my kitchen if there is enough left (I re-did the kitchen in my bungalow before I sold it). He does pay for more than I do by way of days out and meals out and does pay half towards costs for our dogs (one is jointly ours and the other I had before I met him). It isn't completely one sided but I take on board the comments.

I suppose I am just worried re what is the norm once we are married re finances where SD is concerned. Plus what I should/shouldn't be doing as a stepparent and is simply being kind and respectful enough? How do I decide if having children (in the next few years) is right or not and how do I bring them up in a way that doesn't make SD feel left out, nor my partner upset that I supposedly treat her differently.

OP posts:
Testina · 02/08/2023 15:46

“about 80k in total left from previous relationship, she declared bankruptcy so he is paying it all back, accrued from both of them, it was a while ago now)”

He’s pulling the wool over your eyes here. He doesn’t get her personal debt just because she is declared bankrupt. It doesn’t work like that.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 15:45

Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 15:40

You’re not really listening are you?

Oh well, marry him then, but I absolutely guarantee you will kick yourself when you realise later what a huge mistake you made.

He's a grifter.

He really caught a live one🙄.

Good luck 🤷🏻‍♀️, sounds like you won't be happy till you are fleeced.

doodleygirl · 02/08/2023 15:44

I am going to be really blunt, you are being taken for a fool. You have a massive partner problem and you are walking into a lifetime of unhappiness.

Why do you have to love his daughter, as long as you are kind, inclusive and welcoming that is fine.

Why on earth do you think you should be contributing to her savings, school fees and general life expenses?

Run as fast as you can, he is treating you like a mug.

mauricemossmylove · 02/08/2023 15:44

He's bleeding you dry, trying to make you feel responsible for SD expenses and also making you feel bad for not loving her. Honestly OP, run away!

Step parenting only works with really clear boundaries and with a DH who understands that the children are the responsibility of the bio parents and not the step parents.

Marblessolveeverything · 02/08/2023 15:43

You are marrying him because you want marriage. That is not a good basis for a partnership. He is not treating you like a partner nor is he respecting you being honest.

This won't get better, it will simply become more complicated to detangle. Take some time away from him and really think is this the future you want.

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/08/2023 15:43

Why would you give him 20k, especially as he still owes another 80k. Plus pay out for all the wedding stuff. So basically if you walk now you lose out immensely financially and he has only gained. That’s terrible. I would still walk though (run) as you stand to lose a lot more.
If he’s the larger earner why is he still in so much debt and why are you paying everything? Get your money out of that joint account, get your 20k back and cut your losses.
If you insist on going ahead then set your boundaries now. Don’t worry about sounding wrong or bad, better now than later.

Testina · 02/08/2023 15:43

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:39

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

Don’t misunderstand me - you don’t need to be bullied by him into including his daughter in the thank you. But you can’t put twee dogs on but not her.

On the love thing… my stepsons were much older when we met and we never lived together (chose to delay that as I think blended families are often shit all round!). I happily paid their university support - but I don’t love them. If their dad and I split, I think they’d very quickly lose touch. They’re great men, I like them, we get on well - but I’m not their mother and they are not my sons. There’s no expectation of “love” from anyone.

harriethoyle · 02/08/2023 15:42

Do. Not. Marry. Him.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 15:40

You’re not really listening are you?

Oh well, marry him then, but I absolutely guarantee you will kick yourself when you realise later what a huge mistake you made.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:40

Just remember while you will be told lots that you knew he had a child, he also knew you didn’t. There’s responsibility in that too - Very wise words and a lot of food for thought. Thank you

OP posts:
Testina · 02/08/2023 15:40

If he earns enough to pay private school fees as you say, then he has around £30K post tax disposable income now. At least.

So the fact he’s had £20K off you for his debt, means he’s a con artist, it’s that simple.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:39

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 15:39

You may want all those things, but he's not the man to have them with. Don't let your desire for marriage and a family life cloud your judgement.

onefinemess · 02/08/2023 15:37

You're not a "step" anything. The kid has two parents, they don't need a third wheel.

You can be polite, respectful and friendly towards the kid, but you never parent them. You're not even obliged to like them.

Everybody will resent you if you try ro be any sort of parent. So don't even try.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:37

I sold my bungalow when I met him as well so we could live together as it wasn't big enough for us all and my dog (just 2 bedrooms), we currently rent a 3 bed house and looking to buy next year after wedding is all over. We are getting married more because I want too really, just something I have wanted for a long time, if we want a family id prefer to be married, same with buying a house etc. I love him and I am excited to be married, I am just treading on a lot of unknown territory re SD and appear to be in the wrong more often than not.

OP posts:
witheringrowan · 02/08/2023 15:37

Do not marry this man.