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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
1037370E · 02/08/2023 16:23

Postpone the wedding and live separately again. There are a lot of red flags, it doesn't bode well, sorry.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:22

I have major anxiety re weekends when she is due to come about how we will split the things we need to get done e.g. poo picking, dog walks, admin, washing etc and what and how much time is expected of me and what I should/shouldn't be doing with SD, or what their plans are for the weekend. I am always unsure, as I am a lot of the time. I'm a big talker, he doesn't open up as much and I always feel open to express my opinion but it does often lead to an argument.

OP posts:
1037370E · 02/08/2023 16:20

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:56

SD eats very little and will cry/spit out food/ says her tummy hurts etc at anything other than pizza which makes going out interesting, the same with going to friends houses as she also struggles still with cutlery (which is understandable she is 7) but mealtimes are hard unless its anything other than chicken wrap or pizza so we agreed various different approaches over our time together none of which have worked so we are both reading a 'french kids eat everything' book at the moment for any tips. I suppose is it 'not my daughter not my problem' or should I try and help with the situation? Not sure if its overstepping boundaries etc. I sometimes feel like I should have a say when she is with us if I am being expected to include her in everything, other times I am not so sure.

OP all children have food preferences and would probably eat crap for every meal if you let them but at 7 she should be able to use a cutlery and eat food without spitting it out and fussing at the table - are there other issues with her?

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:19

I make a fair amount of effort with his daughter and we go and get our nails done together etc and I do as much as I can but my life as it currently stands doesn't work with having a child in it because I work really long hours, have 2 dogs and also want to still have a social life. I do as much as I can. I don't necessarily view her as not part of the family, but I don't make decisions with her at the forefront of my thought no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:16

Its really unsurprising to hear the word controlling being bought up because we have had discussions on this topic before. E.g. my anxiety being bad when he is home but fine when he is away with friends or on a work trip etc and I put a lot of it down to things such as the way he spoke to me or followed me around and told me to re-do chores in a certain way e.g. how I stack the dishwasher, not putting his knives in the dishwasher, how I need to shake the mats before I put them into wash, even how I don't turn both light switches off together and then can never find which one turns on upstairs or downstairs and it ends up being me turning them on/off a few times to find the right ones, he makes the dogs not move when eating etc and used to shut them in the living room or downstairs and would moan if I walked them more than once a day as being unnecessary.

We have since discussed this on more than one occasion and he is now much more open with the dogs, although they aren't allowed to jump up uninvited or in our room, which I think is fair. He has shouted at one of them quite concerningly which I told him at the time was not on.

We did the chores wars for a while and one weekend we argued because I asked to have a discussion about chores so we could see what he had done that week, what I had done so we could split what was left over the weekend and he called me juvenile we now pay my mum £40 a week to do our cleaning as we are unable to agree.

My dad thinks he is controlling and has told me so and his mum left his dad when he was younger for the same reason.

Is leaving the only option and will it get worse? He does have lots of good qualities too.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 02/08/2023 16:14

I don't think its step parenting you're struggling with, it's being in a controlling relationship with a man, who happens to have a child.

If you marry him it will get so much worse.

HerAvatar · 02/08/2023 16:10

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:56

SD eats very little and will cry/spit out food/ says her tummy hurts etc at anything other than pizza which makes going out interesting, the same with going to friends houses as she also struggles still with cutlery (which is understandable she is 7) but mealtimes are hard unless its anything other than chicken wrap or pizza so we agreed various different approaches over our time together none of which have worked so we are both reading a 'french kids eat everything' book at the moment for any tips. I suppose is it 'not my daughter not my problem' or should I try and help with the situation? Not sure if its overstepping boundaries etc. I sometimes feel like I should have a say when she is with us if I am being expected to include her in everything, other times I am not so sure.

This post sums up the way your life will be for the next 10-15 years at least OP, really think about that before you get in any deeper. Unless you and DP are on the same page wrt how this kind of stuff should work you will always be on uncertain ground in your own home/family.

Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 16:10

I think you've got a big decision to make OP if this relationship is going to work out for you or not.

It seems that your partner wants you to view his daughter as your own daughter, and that means stepping up financially as if she were your own, including her in all holidays/days out, etc. But he seems to not want you to actually have any say about parenting, with the vegetables on her plate and tidying up after her etc.
He can't really expect to have it both ways, but it appears from the way he's being he is expecting this of you and has for some time.

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? I think it will cause major resentment and strain on your marriage.

Being a step parent is not easy, to be honest it sounds like you make a mild effort with his daughter but ultimately you just don't view her as part of your real family. So I think you should leave the relationship, it won't work.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:08

OK, I work in commercial real estate and for some reason I got an inkling it would be something like that.

Re the cards, you wouldn't be able to do right for doing wrong there, put SD on and you'll be 'overstepping', put the dogs on and you're leaving her out.

The not loving her thing, just beware I had this to the point where family members were invited to gang up on me about it, if my SC was not FRONT AND CENTRE of all communications or if I dared to be a bit dissapointed in their terrible behaviour I was berated by my ex AND his mother.

You could bend over backwards, put on a Princess dress and wake her up every morning with a slice of pizza and 3 trained singing bluebirds and it will be seen as 'what you should be doing!'. If you dare so much as, we'll as you say, tidy up after them you're accused of wanting to deny their existence.

Two quick questions, when's the wedding? And do you feel you get anything right with your SD according to your partner?

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:08

I absolutely am taking on board the other advice as well. Just wondering how on earth to have the conversation and if its salvageable.

OP posts:
amiold · 02/08/2023 16:05

Are you sure you want to marry?

Also, why have you given him 20k 😳

My partner has a little boy and as far as I'm concerned the expenses of him having that child is his. Anything he wants to buy for him, places he wants to take him, food (he does his shopping separate as little one has allergies), clothes he wants to buy.. he pays for. I just didn't start it so there was no expectation going forward. Obviously if he asks me to pick something up for his tea or a set of pjs, new top, a bag of sweets etc. I don't expect him to pay me back for it. But the bulk of the cost for his child I leave to him to sort. Partner pays £600 to his ex in maintenance so I do pick up more of the bills sometimes so in my opinion I do still contribute as I pick up the shortfall.

I think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to love his daughter like your own, because she isn't. But of course you need to make her welcome. How old is she? She may not understand bedroom boundaries.

I think having you and partner on the wedding cards is fine. It's you twos wedding not the child's. Yes include her but it's your day.

I just think this whole set up is damned and very controlling of you. I'd have a hard think about marrying him op.

Starseeking · 02/08/2023 16:04

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 15:34

OP,

You must be out of your mind to consider marrying this controlling man.

You will bitterly regret doing so and will quickly realise that your salary was a huge part of your appeal.

He has his own agenda and it certainly isn't your happiness.

If you were my daughter I would want to shake you for your spectacularly naivety that would allow you to accept this bossy controlling man near your or your money.

HIS child is not entitled to one penny of your salary, much less a private education.

You are being taken for a mug, a fool, a cashcow.

Marry him and you will bitterly regret it.

He most certainly is not a man to have children with.

The minute you marry him, your life won't be your own.

Everything will be about satisfying HIS expectations of you.

Pack your bags and run, while you can.

Listen to every single word of this OP.

Newestname002 · 02/08/2023 16:03

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:39

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

This really isn't what you should be focusing on.

You should be taking on board the very blunt and VERY good advice from posters about the awful situation you are in now. And, OP, as bad as it is now, it gets worse when you are legally contracted through him in marriage, especially financially.

Getting divorced is harder than getting married - and, based on the financials you have discussed here, you will come off worse.

Please take a step back and re-read the advice you've been given here or talk to adults in real life you trust before you bind yourself to this man and his daughter. I really hope you'll step back and reconsider this rush to marry this man, but I fear you'll go ahead and do so. 🌹

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:03

I work for the NHS so pretty stable unless Rishi is going to do anything drastic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:02

About 5/6 repeat clients and the rest are new each month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:01

Its in finance, mortgage based but not your traditional residential mortgages, high net worth clients, e.g. those with property portfolio's, commercial units etc

OP posts:
Starseeking · 02/08/2023 16:00

I wouldn't be marrying this man if I were you. This type of situation gets worse over time, not better.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:00

I have seen evidence of an 80k deal being paid, I haven't asked to see evidence of the others. But we both WFH so I do overhear discussions when we are both working. You make a very good point however, how do you even ask someone to see without causing major offence?

OP posts:
Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:00

Is the business a stable one or quite risky?

You don't have to be too specific but is it constantly winning new work or repeat work from clients?

I've so much else to say on the subject but I'm going to have to stop screaming internally first.

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 16:00

You're not her parent, you don't need to act like her parent at all. You don't need to read parenting books. He's definitely going to try and palm off as much of his parenting duties as possible onto you though, along with extracting as much money from you as possible. What do YOU gain from this?

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:58

No its not our local pub, it is quite expensive. Which we both agreed we wanted a large wedding and made a plan to pay for it alongside clearing debt. I am 32. So one could say at that age where I really am thinking seriously about setting down/family etc!

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 15:57

How much of this £200k income can you actually corroborate? Is this just from what he's told you, or is there any evidence of it? What if this big deal doesn't actually come through? Id bank on that not happening and proceed accordingly.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:56

SD eats very little and will cry/spit out food/ says her tummy hurts etc at anything other than pizza which makes going out interesting, the same with going to friends houses as she also struggles still with cutlery (which is understandable she is 7) but mealtimes are hard unless its anything other than chicken wrap or pizza so we agreed various different approaches over our time together none of which have worked so we are both reading a 'french kids eat everything' book at the moment for any tips. I suppose is it 'not my daughter not my problem' or should I try and help with the situation? Not sure if its overstepping boundaries etc. I sometimes feel like I should have a say when she is with us if I am being expected to include her in everything, other times I am not so sure.

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/08/2023 15:56

Do not marry this man, sounds like he's using you as a cash cow for his daughter.

If he wants her to go to private school he pays

It's his responsibility to provide financially for his dd, this comes out of his money AFTER you've both paid bills

PodgePie · 02/08/2023 15:55

It doesn’t sound like he can afford private school fees if you’re going to be existing solely on your current disposable income & he has significant debt. He’s had to borrow £20k from you which isn’t even a year’s fees at a lot of independents.

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