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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:43

Wedding is November.

I don't often feel I get much right with my partner to be honest. I am often told I work too much, forget things he has told me, don't include SD, don't do the chores right, book bad hotels, don't discipline or train the dogs enough etc he came back from his recent trip with a book on 'How to get more things done'. The dogs had made a mess of the lawn, we relaid turf which obviously got patches all over again from their wee, so I spent a weekend laying artificial grass just to stop him moaning about it every weekend. I am often told how the dogs behave when I am not around & that its my fault. There is a lot we struggle with, but also a lot that is good.

I am in that stage of what can be worked through and sorted and at what point do you call things a day stage.

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 16:42

You’re taking this in good spirit OP, so I haven’t given up all hope with you yet.

Do you have any close friends you can confide in? You probably think they all think he’s great, but if they care about you they will have reservations.

I had a close friend who got taken in by a “hedge fund manager “ had various DC and a property portfolio. He looked great on paper, but there were warning signs.

  1. He bankrolled his adult DC to a massive extent.
  2. His properties were all mortgaged to the hilt (over a million)
  3. Their Incredibly Fancy wedding had to be financed by my friend taking out a huge mortgage on her flat, which she’d previously bought outright with an inheritance.
  4. Once they married, he allegedly had his hours cut to one day a week.
Basically, he rinsed my friend dry, but she was so chuffed to be getting married, she couldn’t or wouldn’t see it.

You don’t mention your mum? Is she around? Sorry if that’s insensitive but I have a DD a few years younger than you and I would be distraught if she were you.

holdupholdup · 02/08/2023 16:42

I don't even know where to begin with what I've just read but please don't marry him! He sounds so controlling and entitled.
You are not responsible in any way for financially supporting his daughter.
What do your friends and family think of this setup?

greenteaandmarshmallows · 02/08/2023 16:41

Stop paying for her. Put the wedding on hold

Im99912 · 02/08/2023 16:41

Listen to your father
he is probably the one man you can trust

or don’t listen to him
come back here in 5 -7 years crying your ass out because he’s left you
and he’s taken 50 percent of everything

I have 2 adult step kids and I have never paid for anything for them
yeah I probably split meals / holidays and stuff but actual cash. Nope

my son ( not my DHs ) son inherited the best part of 250k from my late parents and he’s buying a house

if that was your child that inherited from your parents I bet your DP would be spiting his teeth out that it’s not fair that your child will be better off than his and would probably be trying to figure out how to even things up

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 02/08/2023 16:38

My dh is a stepparent to my ds, no way would I have expected what your dp is of you. Run a million miles and don't look back

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:37

His ex I presume doesn't want SD in private school, its just an argument between me & my partner on hypotheticals that started when discussing if we had children would we send them to private school or not.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 16:37

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:31

He didn't earn that much previously when he accrued the debt, its only this tax year his earnings have gone up significantly. But yes he should and will be able to afford to pay off his debt, his share of the wedding and fully pay for private school if she chooses, I suppose I view marriage as a unity and that those decisions should be made jointly as they will significantly impact our affordability for property, savings, holidays etc and that SDs mum should contribute if they choose to send SD to private school.

The issue is more to do with his approach to what is expected of me as a step parent and me being unsure what I do or don't get a say in.

Why should the mother contribute if she hasn't mentioned sending her daughter to private school, that was all your partners idea, doesn't earn enough, and has other children to consider? If your husband wants her to go to private school and the mother isn't bothered then he should pay for the cost.

And unfortunately for you you're going to be married to him so it's going to come out of his share of your family finances.

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 02/08/2023 16:37

I am a step parent and this is not my experience at all. Mine has been entirely positive because my DH and his ex understand THEY are the parents and responsibility for child costs are their responsibility.

Since we got married, DH and I have merged finances (we earn similar and are very comfortable, and I don't want my own kids), but he still discusses all large child purchases (for example big school trips) with me. I'm not expected to love every second with them in the way a bio parent would. I am not guilted about taking time out and we take an annual couple trip as well as kid holiday a year.

Everything I do for my DSC - which is lots - is totally voluntary and as a result I have a brilliant relationship with them.

I would absolutely NOT NOT NOT be marrying someone so controlling and who has so little empathy. It reads - I'm sorry to say - as if you are his meal ticket.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:35

We have been away to turkey this year, which was paid for out of our surplus in joint account. Centerparcs which I paid for and Cornwall in August that I also paid for (Cornwall I wanted to go on it so was happy to pay) then Thailand in December for my parents 60th which they paid for. Which writing down now I feel even more silly!

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:33

haha no not my first serious relationship! Neither am I ugly, and sometimes I am occasionally funny lol.

But I do appear to be in a situation that I should have sought advice on a lot sooner!

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 02/08/2023 16:32

For the love of baby Jesus listen to everyone!! Bin him, he is using you, controlling you and it WILL only get worse, please listen to your Dad!

Jagoda · 02/08/2023 16:32

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:27

He recently went away with a friend for a few days on holiday and we had previously had arguments before about his lack of contact when he went away or just one word responses such as 'OK' and he really made an effort this time but I couldn't help thinking if I actually cared anymore or just got used to it being so poor.

He can afford a holiday then? Did you pay for that too?

huuskymam · 02/08/2023 16:31

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:39

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

If you had any sense you'd be binning him. He's controlling and using you for your money. Count yourself lucky you haven't bought yet and dump him before things get trickier.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:31

He didn't earn that much previously when he accrued the debt, its only this tax year his earnings have gone up significantly. But yes he should and will be able to afford to pay off his debt, his share of the wedding and fully pay for private school if she chooses, I suppose I view marriage as a unity and that those decisions should be made jointly as they will significantly impact our affordability for property, savings, holidays etc and that SDs mum should contribute if they choose to send SD to private school.

The issue is more to do with his approach to what is expected of me as a step parent and me being unsure what I do or don't get a say in.

OP posts:
applesandmares · 02/08/2023 16:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable about any of it except your expectation for SD's mother to contribute towards her private education when she
a) earns less
b) doesn't care if she's privately educated; and
c) has other children at home that she can't afford to put into private education

If your partner wants her to be privately educated, he needs to pay for it. It may be that the ex won't want her in a private school seeing as her other children presumably aren't!

Im99912 · 02/08/2023 16:30

I take on board the comments re the thank you card, I shall bin them and re-do different ones.

seriously after everything everyone has wrote and all your worried about is save the date cards cos they have your dogs on them and not the SD

The cards are the very very least of your problems

I have to ask
is this your first serious relationship because your acting like a love sick teenager with massive Fanny gallops 😂

This guy is going to take you for a walking talking cashcunt and Yes I didn’t mean cash point

he is going to marry you and in a few years time walk award with half of your deposit and savings
and he will probably get you to pay for half of his debt

He will probably not want to have another child as it seems his daughter and how she is treated is the main priority for everyone

In fact if you do walk away and you dont have a kid with him think yourself very lucky

pinkyredrose · 02/08/2023 16:29

Are you desperate for a man? Him and his daughter will rinse you dry.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:27

He recently went away with a friend for a few days on holiday and we had previously had arguments before about his lack of contact when he went away or just one word responses such as 'OK' and he really made an effort this time but I couldn't help thinking if I actually cared anymore or just got used to it being so poor.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 16:27

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 16:23

So he can't afford to pay for private school without you subsidising other parts of his life? In that case, yes, you should be able to veto it if you want.

Show quote history

Earning 200k surely thats enough to send one or two children to private school ?

Not sure why you've given him 20k to pay off his debt when he earns 3x as much as you, and you aren't even married yet.

Throw in his controlling behaviour, your anxiety and the step daughter you should really be seriously thinking about if you want to marry this man.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:26

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:16

Its really unsurprising to hear the word controlling being bought up because we have had discussions on this topic before. E.g. my anxiety being bad when he is home but fine when he is away with friends or on a work trip etc and I put a lot of it down to things such as the way he spoke to me or followed me around and told me to re-do chores in a certain way e.g. how I stack the dishwasher, not putting his knives in the dishwasher, how I need to shake the mats before I put them into wash, even how I don't turn both light switches off together and then can never find which one turns on upstairs or downstairs and it ends up being me turning them on/off a few times to find the right ones, he makes the dogs not move when eating etc and used to shut them in the living room or downstairs and would moan if I walked them more than once a day as being unnecessary.

We have since discussed this on more than one occasion and he is now much more open with the dogs, although they aren't allowed to jump up uninvited or in our room, which I think is fair. He has shouted at one of them quite concerningly which I told him at the time was not on.

We did the chores wars for a while and one weekend we argued because I asked to have a discussion about chores so we could see what he had done that week, what I had done so we could split what was left over the weekend and he called me juvenile we now pay my mum £40 a week to do our cleaning as we are unable to agree.

My dad thinks he is controlling and has told me so and his mum left his dad when he was younger for the same reason.

Is leaving the only option and will it get worse? He does have lots of good qualities too.

I think a pause before you carry on wedding planning for certain? That's a pretty substantial laundry list right there. You feel anxious when he's around? He's controlling with the pets? You can't stack a dishwasher right (been there, got out, his current partner is a nervous wreck and I feel for her). And so on amd so on?

Beware of the sunk costs phallacy. If he has some good qualities then potentially he can work on the bad ones whilst you live apart and get some headspace. There's not a wedding in the world that's going to paper over those cracks girl, no matter how expensive.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 16:25

The more you post, the worse he sounds.

Listen to your dad.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:25

No her behaviour is really really good. She can't tie shoelaces/use cutlery/ brush her hair etc those types of things, more because I think she hasn't been expected to and if she asks her dad to he will happily oblige. She doesn't have 'sit down' meals as such at home with her mum and siblings or so I am told. My partner would prefer to give her pizza than have her cry and spit out food, which I also don't think is fair on her mum that she has to do all of the difficult side of parenting. We tried having a 'safe food' that we know she likes on her plate at every meal and then something new to try but meal times become a battle. So we don't really sit and eat as a family at all. That aside her behaviour couldn't be easier to be honest.

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 16:25

I wouldn't go into a marriage where I already had misgivings about my partner's controlling behaviour, hoping he'd change. He probably won't change, you have the opportunity to get out now before it gets more difficult, take it.

MisschiefMaker · 02/08/2023 16:23

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:25

He could afford to pay for private school fees out of just his salary. I suppose then it would mean as a couple we would have very little left to save or use for other things. It would just be my disposable income.

So he can't afford to pay for private school without you subsidising other parts of his life? In that case, yes, you should be able to veto it if you want.

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