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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Id578 · 02/08/2023 17:46

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:47

His income has increased dramatically since we met. Lots of high value clients that he didn't have when he accrued the debt. He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared, plus he offered to pay off the rest of my kitchen if there is enough left (I re-did the kitchen in my bungalow before I sold it). He does pay for more than I do by way of days out and meals out and does pay half towards costs for our dogs (one is jointly ours and the other I had before I met him). It isn't completely one sided but I take on board the comments.

I suppose I am just worried re what is the norm once we are married re finances where SD is concerned. Plus what I should/shouldn't be doing as a stepparent and is simply being kind and respectful enough? How do I decide if having children (in the next few years) is right or not and how do I bring them up in a way that doesn't make SD feel left out, nor my partner upset that I supposedly treat her differently.

You may be trying to make too many decisions at once here - you don’t need to integrate a family before you have one.

You are in no way in the wrong for expressing how you feel about your SD and he should not be putting pressure on you to save for her, pay school fees etc. If you have kids in the future, you will have to reassess whether the whole thing is affordable anyway, so if she is going to private school imminently he should pay for the entirety of that as she is not your responsibility. In practical terms, you may well be paying for some things for her upkeep if you are sharing food bills and so on, but he has no right to pressure you.

I would be very wary about finances if you continue the relationship as you have loaned him a lot of money. Ultimately, do you feel you have the same values as your fiancé for the future life you’d like? It sounds like you are on quite different pages when it comes to this which could become a problem.

Honeychickpea · 02/08/2023 17:45

OP, how long have you known this man? How soon after you met did the marriage discussion begin?

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 17:35

Well done OP.

Listen to your parents.

Give them the chance to spell out their concerns.

The do have your back and will only want the best for you.

They have NO agenda except that they ove you ad want the best for you.

They can see things with a clarity that comes with age.

Your father would not be calling him controlling without cause.

Hear them out.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 17:28

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 17:23

I do take on board everyone's comments and have asked my friends and family for theirs, my mum sounded relieved that I asked and will call me as soon as she is home from work. I will start by trying to get some money back and take it from there. My parents are amazing but they had a similar dynamic when they were younger and have managed to work it over the years, very different generation back then though.

That's a very good start. I'm glad you've got some real life support now.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 17:25

I have never posted before and very glad I did. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
applesandmares · 02/08/2023 17:23

@jods19 agree the father should pay for it entirely alone if he's the one that wants it. It's trickier than that though because if OP marries him, their money will be family money unless they intend to keep finances separate. If he wants to pay for SD it will impact on their joint finances with less disposable income for themselves and their future children.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 17:23

I do take on board everyone's comments and have asked my friends and family for theirs, my mum sounded relieved that I asked and will call me as soon as she is home from work. I will start by trying to get some money back and take it from there. My parents are amazing but they had a similar dynamic when they were younger and have managed to work it over the years, very different generation back then though.

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 02/08/2023 17:22

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:43

Wedding is November.

I don't often feel I get much right with my partner to be honest. I am often told I work too much, forget things he has told me, don't include SD, don't do the chores right, book bad hotels, don't discipline or train the dogs enough etc he came back from his recent trip with a book on 'How to get more things done'. The dogs had made a mess of the lawn, we relaid turf which obviously got patches all over again from their wee, so I spent a weekend laying artificial grass just to stop him moaning about it every weekend. I am often told how the dogs behave when I am not around & that its my fault. There is a lot we struggle with, but also a lot that is good.

I am in that stage of what can be worked through and sorted and at what point do you call things a day stage.

For the love of god, OP, leave this controlling user of a man. Run away and never looks back. Enjoy spending your money and time on whatever you want.

Newyearnewmeow · 02/08/2023 17:21

I’m feeling scared for your future OP if you stay with this controlling man.
You keep coming up with more examples of his controlling and dare I say it abusive ways.
Please take the advice already given from people who have been there and done that with huge regret.
The red flags are usually there. You just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart!

funinthesun19 · 02/08/2023 17:21

If you tidy up after her, you’re “tidying her away”?

This batshit stupid comment could only ever be aimed at a stepmum.

If a mum tidies up after her kids then nobody thinks any thing of it, and it’s just a mum tidying up after her kids.

But with a stepmum, it’s seen as tidying the child away. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣
Why are people so bloody sensitive when it comes to stepchildren that they lose all common sense?

Maybe the child could tidy up after herself or the dad could do it, then the child isn’t being tidied away. They should be doing it anyway.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 17:19

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 17:15

Distraught is the word..... at a daughter being.... fleeced, criticised .......and taken for a complete mug by the "boiled frog" method.

I have teen daughters that thankfully have a greater sense of self preservation at 17+ than this poor woman.

He's a bullying, critical horror that will leave her a shell of a woman.

What is really sad in a of this, is her dad who has a loving marriage with her mum, has called this and him out accurately.

That's so sad to read for her dad and her.

She doesn't trust her dad to have her back and want to give her the heads up.

She doesn't trust that he might be giving her a really wise heads up.

That is so sad to read.

My husband adores our girls and I would hate to think they would dismiss the one man who truly loves them completely, selflessly, and his view, so easily.

Duly noted.

Show quote history

Duly noted? Eh?

What do you feel you have added to this thread with all of that? I have never in all my years used the biscuit emoji on here but I'm very close at the moment!

Prelapsarianhag · 02/08/2023 17:15

My love you can do so much better than a life of being criticised every fucking day and feeling anxious all the time, and please get your money back off this controlling twat.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 17:15

Marwoodsbigbreak · 02/08/2023 16:42

You’re taking this in good spirit OP, so I haven’t given up all hope with you yet.

Do you have any close friends you can confide in? You probably think they all think he’s great, but if they care about you they will have reservations.

I had a close friend who got taken in by a “hedge fund manager “ had various DC and a property portfolio. He looked great on paper, but there were warning signs.

  1. He bankrolled his adult DC to a massive extent.
  2. His properties were all mortgaged to the hilt (over a million)
  3. Their Incredibly Fancy wedding had to be financed by my friend taking out a huge mortgage on her flat, which she’d previously bought outright with an inheritance.
  4. Once they married, he allegedly had his hours cut to one day a week.
Basically, he rinsed my friend dry, but she was so chuffed to be getting married, she couldn’t or wouldn’t see it.

You don’t mention your mum? Is she around? Sorry if that’s insensitive but I have a DD a few years younger than you and I would be distraught if she were you.

Distraught is the word..... at a daughter being.... fleeced, criticised .......and taken for a complete mug by the "boiled frog" method.

I have teen daughters that thankfully have a greater sense of self preservation at 17+ than this poor woman.

He's a bullying, critical horror that will leave her a shell of a woman.

What is really sad in a of this, is her dad who has a loving marriage with her mum, has called this and him out accurately.

That's so sad to read for her dad and her.

She doesn't trust her dad to have her back and want to give her the heads up.

She doesn't trust that he might be giving her a really wise heads up.

That is so sad to read.

My husband adores our girls and I would hate to think they would dismiss the one man who truly loves them completely, selflessly, and his view, so easily.

Duly noted.

jods19 · 02/08/2023 17:14

applesandmares · 02/08/2023 17:11

@jods19 why should the mother pay for private education that she isn't arsed about? If the father thinks the SD should see the world should her mother contribute towards that to? Bonkers!

Okay fair enough but then why should the OP pay? If this is what the DH is saying then he should pay for it in full with his own money

applesandmares · 02/08/2023 17:11

@jods19 why should the mother pay for private education that she isn't arsed about? If the father thinks the SD should see the world should her mother contribute towards that to? Bonkers!

jods19 · 02/08/2023 17:02

Why should you have to pay for private school? Your partner and her mother should.. she can't afford to? Then tough 🤣 maybe his true colours are showing, just aswell it's before the wedding!

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 02/08/2023 17:01

Don’t marry this man OP. How can you be planning a wedding when you need counselling over the dogs?

witheringrowan · 02/08/2023 17:00

How sure are you really about his income? Because if he's in commercial property investment/transactions, the market has been pretty dead for most of this year & I'd be very surprised if he's suddenly managed to significantly boost his income in this market.

Wnikat · 02/08/2023 16:53

Please don’t marry a man who criticises you all the time. Trust me, he will make you miserable.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:52

All good plans! Sometimes you just need a bunch of strangers yelling to help get a bit of perspective!

TheGreenSketch · 02/08/2023 16:52

I hope you have the strength to walk away from this man.

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:48

We have booked counselling for next week following an argument we had about dog training so either there is hope yet or I am flogging a dead horse.

Either way I shall ask my friends and family their real opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:46

No wedding is November. I have time yet :)!

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 16:46

I think that is a great suggestion, I'll ask my friends what they really think. I can 100% trust my dad and my mum is in the picture, they have been married since 17 and very much still together and I have a great group of friends.

My dad is very headstrong and career driven like me and my mum is just happy as long as I am happy. She is more of a caring type and not one to give opinions unless specifically asked. But I will ask her now.

OP posts:
Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 16:43

Oh bless you. This does sound like a bit of a boiling frog situation.

Bit by bit the little things add up, then you write them all down and think "Christ! If that was someone else I'd tell them to run!"

There's been loads of women before you who have ended up here and nor will you be the last. In fact if we're looking at silver linings, you're not married, you've a decent job and salary, and you're starting to ask questions.

I may have missed this but the wedding isn't on Saturday or anything is it?!