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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

184 replies

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 14:56

Hi all,

AIBU? I am really struggling with being a stepparent, but am doing the best I can. I have no children of my own, no siblings or close young family, my friends have only just started having children in the last few months. I am engaged to my partner who has a young daughter and I am trying my best.

  • I have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
  • I have deposited money into her savings
  • I treat her with respect when she is at our house
  • She is involved in our upcoming wedding
  • She has her own space in our house
  • My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond.

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want too with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking.

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong.

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset.

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD.

I am wary about having my own children because of my experience thus far but I don't have any neutral parties to talk to who have step parent experience so would welcome advice. I also know if we have our own kids my parents will spoil them rotten and I don't want them to feel they have to walk on eggshells.

TIA

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 02/08/2023 19:29

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 19:19

He’d have better luck making a pig fly than affording private school fees when he’s in 100k worth of debt.

Try reading the thread 🤡

Show quote history

OP says he earns £200k and could afford private school fees in her posts here though.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 19:19

Inmydreams88 · 02/08/2023 19:05

I actually think you are being unreasonable here. Why should your step daughter not have every privilege that any of your own children would have if your partner can afford it?????? What big gap in lifestyle would there be? This is his daughter you are talking about here, surely no good father is going to let her live in poverty, with no opportunities for trips or healthy food because the mother can't afford it when he's on at least 50k (or 200k) because you'd rather he didn't spend his money on her.

You seem to bring up the private school issue a lot.

Insisting that if your partner wants his daughter to go to private school her mum should pay half, but you've admitted she probably has no interest in her going to private school and she wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. Yet your "standing firm" on this matter.

You shouldn't have to pay for DSD to go to private school out of your own personal salary obviously.

But I get the impression you'd rather he not spend the money on her at all, you seem to view his salary as shared money thats entitled to you, and if you don't want her to go to private school then she shouldn't be going because it will affect your lifestyle.

If your husband to be can afford to send his daughter and wants to send his daughter then he should.

Show quote history

He’d have better luck making a pig fly than affording private school fees when he’s in 100k worth of debt.

Try reading the thread 🤡

Inmydreams88 · 02/08/2023 19:05

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:34

Private school was bought up in discussion about if we had children would we send them to private school or not etc. I said if we could afford it and it was a good school and right decision for us then great, if not then we wouldn't. I expressed that I was concerned that any children we would have will have a very different life than SD's because of the big gap in lifestyles, e.g. living conditions, food, trips, schools etc at which point he said that if we had children and wanted them to go to private school then SD would go too. Which if her mother contributes towards I have no issue with, its only if she doesn't and we pay 100% that it concerns me.

I actually think you are being unreasonable here. Why should your step daughter not have every privilege that any of your own children would have if your partner can afford it?????? What big gap in lifestyle would there be? This is his daughter you are talking about here, surely no good father is going to let her live in poverty, with no opportunities for trips or healthy food because the mother can't afford it when he's on at least 50k (or 200k) because you'd rather he didn't spend his money on her.

You seem to bring up the private school issue a lot.

Insisting that if your partner wants his daughter to go to private school her mum should pay half, but you've admitted she probably has no interest in her going to private school and she wouldn't be able to afford it anyway. Yet your "standing firm" on this matter.

You shouldn't have to pay for DSD to go to private school out of your own personal salary obviously.

But I get the impression you'd rather he not spend the money on her at all, you seem to view his salary as shared money thats entitled to you, and if you don't want her to go to private school then she shouldn't be going because it will affect your lifestyle.

If your husband to be can afford to send his daughter and wants to send his daughter then he should.

blackbeardsballsack · 02/08/2023 18:52

This thread is so, so sad. Please leave and never look back, OP. You could live such a happy and fulfilling life if you got away from this man who is going to break your soul piece by piece.

neilyoungismyhero · 02/08/2023 18:42

I've had to stop reading this, I can't cope with the lunacy of it all now. I got as far as French food....

Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:41

On another note how does joint credit card debt work once you split up if one partner is declared bankrupt? I suppose I never gave it a second thought when I found about the 80k debt and was then told that because she declared bankruptcy that it was down to him to pay it, seemed a reasonable explanation, although unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:38

You may be trying to make too many decisions at once here - you don’t need to integrate a family before you have one - This point is really helpful and something my partner has said to me before that I worry about things before they actually happen, I suppose the wedding date in a way feels like a deadline to iron things out and be on the same page by...

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:36

No the 20k was a gift to help bring his monthly payments down. May I add he never asked for the money, we discussed it once I had sold my bungalow and had the money through, it was supposed to be so we can purchase a house a little bit quicker etc. I don't feel any resentment about it overall, just trying to explain our situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trying100 · 02/08/2023 18:34

About 2 years we have been together in reply to a previous thread.

I know I suppose I never grew up poor so to speak as an only child and have always worked hard so although I value money I don't necessarily feel like its a scarcity so I can be quite generous as I tend to not worry about not having money, I am employable so even if I was made redundant (which I was during Covid) I trust myself enough to get back on my feet pretty quickly.

Its really difficult not to blur the lines with SD as it has a direct effect on my life.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 02/08/2023 18:32

SapphOhNo · 02/08/2023 17:59

Hold off the wedding at the very least OP until you have addressed your issues and he's demonstrated he can change over an extended period.

So many red flags but I think you know this already.

It's better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

... also can't get over you've paid 20k of his debt of for it... jeez.

Was the 20k transfer a loan or a gift? Did the OP or her partner sign any documents or agreements relating to it?

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 18:30

Phineyj · 02/08/2023 18:29

Boarding school?! For a DC that only eats pizza and can't eat out without behaving like a toddler?!

We've kinda moved on from that now.

I wasn't suggesting sending anyone to boarding school, just saying that 40k isn't out of the realms of possibility.

Phineyj · 02/08/2023 18:29

Boarding school?! For a DC that only eats pizza and can't eat out without behaving like a toddler?!

Rental101 · 02/08/2023 18:22

Ps omg you are 32 . Fantastic you have no kids as well . If you get rid you can have a wonderful life .

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 18:21

@Phineyj that's about right if they're boarding and doing extras & trips to be fair.

Phineyj · 02/08/2023 18:19

Not the point of this thread, but what kind of private school costs £40k p.a.? If this figure came from him, I'd question a few of his other figures...

Rental101 · 02/08/2023 18:17

To add …I had 2 years of being with a man with two kids . I offered everything and to be a full step parent. I have a child with him and he barely bothers with our child . Pllllllleeeeeeeeease don’t marry him.

Rental101 · 02/08/2023 18:15

I wouldn’t marry this man . Going to be wall to wall heartache . Already is .

StartingSober · 02/08/2023 18:13

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:47

His income has increased dramatically since we met. Lots of high value clients that he didn't have when he accrued the debt. He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared, plus he offered to pay off the rest of my kitchen if there is enough left (I re-did the kitchen in my bungalow before I sold it). He does pay for more than I do by way of days out and meals out and does pay half towards costs for our dogs (one is jointly ours and the other I had before I met him). It isn't completely one sided but I take on board the comments.

I suppose I am just worried re what is the norm once we are married re finances where SD is concerned. Plus what I should/shouldn't be doing as a stepparent and is simply being kind and respectful enough? How do I decide if having children (in the next few years) is right or not and how do I bring them up in a way that doesn't make SD feel left out, nor my partner upset that I supposedly treat her differently.

The most important thing is to keep string boundaries. You are not SD's mum, you are a friendly adult figure. You need to be kind and respectful when she is there - that is it. Read StepMonster by Wednesday Martin.

If you have your own kids, they SHOULD be your first priority. Just as DSD is her DM's first priority, and both children should be equal priority/responsibility to DH.

Questions of lifestyle, emotional development can and should be the concern of her parents. It is really important not to blur the lines, that leads to all kinds of hell, wasted energy and resentment.

I think you need to do a lot of reading and thinking about what the role of a stepparent is, and get DH on board with this, long before marrying or having children of your own. Otherwise your general good will and naive generosity (I was the same) will lead you into a world of stress!

StartingSober · 02/08/2023 18:01

Trying100 · 02/08/2023 15:14

I suppose I feel as if once we are married any big financial decisions such as paying for a private school education should be agreed with both of us? Doesn't look like I would have much of a say other than us paying 40k a year plus extras on a private school education as the mum won't be able to afford it, which is understandable as she has 3 young children. I am seen as unreasonable e.g. SD has to suffer because her mum can't afford xyz even though we can.

She doesn't suffer any more than any other child whose parents can't afford private school. It's outrageous your income is even being brought into this, or that they would even accept you giving money for her savings. That the responsibility of her parents! I will reply more fully when I have RTFT, as this situation is literally a red flag parade.

SapphOhNo · 02/08/2023 17:59

Hold off the wedding at the very least OP until you have addressed your issues and he's demonstrated he can change over an extended period.

So many red flags but I think you know this already.

It's better to be single than to be with the wrong person.

... also can't get over you've paid 20k of his debt of for it... jeez.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 17:59

I clicked on this expecting one type of thread and it turned out to be quite another.

Cut your losses with this man. Not loving your step daughter as though she is your own (totally normal, by the way) is by far and away the least concerning thing going on here. Do not marry this man.

LemonLight · 02/08/2023 17:55

For your own wellbeing I don't think you should marry this man. He views and treats you as his asset rather than his loved one, it will only get worse once you're married, he sounds like a gaslighter and a financial abuser.

PussInBin20 · 02/08/2023 17:54

Blimey I wouldn’t be getting married if you are going for counselling already. It sounds doomed.

Id578 · 02/08/2023 17:49

Hayliebells · 02/08/2023 16:00

You're not her parent, you don't need to act like her parent at all. You don't need to read parenting books. He's definitely going to try and palm off as much of his parenting duties as possible onto you though, along with extracting as much money from you as possible. What do YOU gain from this?

Yes, this. He can’t have it both ways, and your expectations of some privacy and time away from SD are in no way unreasonable.

Onelifeonly · 02/08/2023 17:47

Just reading through all your posts OP makes me feel exhausted. I'm sorry but I am not at all sure you should be going ahead with this wedding - I hope your parents give you good advice.

Relationships should be fun at this stage and not something you need to try so hard to get right. Yours sounds full of anxiety, disagreements and supposed obligations trumped up by your partner. His good points don't necessarily outweight the bad and things are unlikely to improve on marriage.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.