Step parenting

Did you marry him op

Oops an old thread. I hope she didn't marry him anyway.

This all sounds awful. Nobody is perfect but your fiancé sounds insufferable. He doesn't get to beggar the family and rope you into paying for his daughter's school fees. Of course you don't love his child just because you were planning to get married to her father. My husband has a warm and friendly relationship with his lovely stepmother but it is not mother-son love. This man's mere presence brings you anxiety yet you plan to marry him?

I am not anti-marriage. I've been married to the same man for over 30 years. He is kind, funny and very clever. He always mucked in with the children and housework. He doesn't go round finding fault with what I do. He has been supportive and encouraging. He always contributed financially. Incidentally one of our children did go to a private school and hated it - most of the pupils were on the horrible side and some of the teachers were very peculiar indeed. He ended up being much happier at the local state school and went on to med school.

I wouldn't marry or subsidise your fiancé because he sounds nightmarish and he won't get better after you marry. This is him supposedly on his best behaviour and newly in love - imagine five years . You are lucky you have woken up in time to call this wedding off before you end up as a boiled frog who is a lot poorer.

This doesn’t sound like the right set up for you. I’m a step mum and whilst some of the things you have said are how we do things, some of the things are definitely different. There’s not necessarily a “right” or “wrong” way to do blended families it’s just about what works for everyone involved.

Some examples I don’t always do family things on weekends, but try to avoid scheduling things that could be done on a weekday. I don’t love my step kids like my own daughter but I do really care about them, want to keep them safe, etc. I tidy up after everyone in our home coz I’m super tidy and the kids know it’s not personal. Our budget generally only allows for family holidays at the moment but me and DP sometimes do a night away together and often go out for dinner just the 2 of us.

Financially, your wage doesn’t come into it. If you and DP would like to pool your money as “family money”, that’s fine. But also fine to keep separate finances.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wedding cards featuring the couple and not children. There will be lots of wedding photos of just the 2 of you, as well as family ones. Weddings are about celebrating the couple.

Hi! Sorry I'm late to the party with this one, I was reading this and it felt so relatable and any advice telling you to not marry him or that he's a monster is not helpful.

Firstly, you may never love your step-daughter and that's okay, you can't force love. But you CAN care, miss your SD when she's not around, enjoy her company. That is still enough

I also don't cancel my plans as, as you say, they're your Saturday's too! However, what I would say is if I make too many personal plans on the bounce then we get into heated arguments. So my advice is to try planning one big thing a month as a family for you all to enjoy together. Or splitting the weekends so you do something personal for you in the morning but then commit to doing something altogether in the afternoon.

SD Walking in without knocking - I also have this problem but I have to blame myself as I haven't raised the issue yet with the kids or my husband. But it's important that this is addressed as a personal boundary. It's your house too so you fully have a say in the rules. I'll also be taking my own advice on this one!

In terms of financial and parental responsibility, for me, these are separate. Parental responsibility needs to be clearly defined upfront before you get married otherwise this will cause a LOT of issues. For me, my role is more of a 'fun aunt' - I'm not expected to wash clothes, do the cooking, do school runs, but I will do those things sometimes out of choice. I also only discipline if either their safety or someone else's safety is at risk OR if my husband isn't there and I need to step in.
In terms of financial responsibility, this is a tough one as whatever way you look at it, they're your financial responsibility. So even if you don't pay a penny, it still impacts you regardless because your husband will be paying so either you have less date nights, you have to pay more towards the mortgage etc etc. it always has an impact of some sort. We have an unwritten agreement that family activities will be divided equally between the two of us, but all CM payments, extra purchases e.g. toys, school uniforms, kids clubs etc. are his responsibility. As per my point above, this still impacts me indirectly but that's okay, I'm accepting. For holidays, I usually have to pay in full as I earn more, however, I'm also accepting of this as it means that I can also plan holidays for just the two of us.

Which leads nicely to the next point around private school. It sounds like the Mum can't afford to help contribute towards the private school and it definitely is a luxury 'nice to have'. If your fiance wants it then he will have to pay for it but YOU absolutely shouldn't have to.

Ignore the glaring red flags about this bloke at your own peril. He sounds shite. Instead of spending your time typing out paragraphs about him, focus on your own life and peace. This man and his kid is is own business, don’t accept him trying to palm off any kind of responsibility for her on to you, there’s no reason to marry him, just date him if you absolutely must.

Do you want children?

How will they fit in?

Run. Leave. Go

Do not look back

OP how did the conversation with your mother go last night?

OP I think you want the big wedding and the idea of getting married rather than marrying a life partner.

Oh op, if you were my daughter, I'd be begging you not to marry this man.

You sound like such a lovely person OP but you are being completely taken for a ride here. Please figure out how to recover the £20k you lent him. Make him sign something, please, please.

I agree with PP, he sounds controlling and once you are married he will absolutely “own” you and you’ll be tied to him.

Given how much your input is into your SD and partnership I find your MIL’s refusal to be at your hen-do very petty.

She clearly doesn’t appreciate how much you’ve done for her son! Stop raising someone else’s child (your SD) and focus on keeping your life very separate from this man. I can see nothing good coming out of this.

So you get no say in how she's brought up but have to contribute to her savings? Can't you see that is totally wrong.

Eek after reading the full thread I am worried for you.

If you do decide to marry him you defo need to scale back the wedding plans, unless you're prepared to be on the hook for paying for it all.

What man worth their salt would accept 20 grand off their new partner? More fool you for offering plus why on earth would you put money in his daughters savings? Is your love language giving money away?

What if you have 3 more kids together? Is she the only one gets a private education? Do the subsequent kids miss out on other stuff because you are both paying for the oldest to go to private school? You are not there to financially support and be the parent to his kid. You need a very clear discussion and to set your boundaries before you become an entrenched doormat

@HVPRN there's a button marked "see all from OP"

In this thread I would highly recommended it

I've not read the whole thread (many many comments) however it was very obvious from the get go that this relationship is not compatible. Defo from your side/point of view (which others have covered) and this;

When you meet a man with a child, you take them as a package. You're all now a unit. Including pooled finances, days out, holidays, hanging out, the right for you to set boundaries and be respected by step children. Including the dog. He is the family dog. - (yikes though - according to your invite cards, you value more than your SD - actions speak louder than words).

Sorry if you don't want to read this, however I read lots of excluding behaviour and placating/fake behaviour from you with your step daughter which will not set you up for married life with future children (your step child's future brothers/sisters - I don't think you understand what this means/entails bond-wise). She is 7y. So so young. Literally. They think they're grown up a little at this age, but they're not.

Perhaps this is not the right family for you.

OP said her partner told her that he will make 200k this year, apparently about four times what he made last year. I am skeptical.
I strongly suspect that if she decides to go through with the wedding he will unexpectedly "lose a large client" and she will end up paying the balance of all the wedding expenses.

well plenty of people will tell you you are not being U, but the reality is I think the situation is more nuanced.

have booked and paid for a holiday so she can join us
I have deposited money into her savings
I treat her with respect when she is at our house
She is involved in our upcoming wedding
She has her own space in our house
My family includes SD where possible e.g. Easter egg hunt etc

This is all lovely.

We argue about the following things and I need help or advice AIBU?

I don't love my stepdaughter yet and keep being told that I should which makes me resentful and even less keen to form a bond

YANBu,

I don't cancel all my plans every time she comes over at the weekend to do 'family' activities. I work a lot and use my free time as I want to with friends, getting my nails done, walking the dogs etc. Sometimes we plan and go on days out or play board games but sometimes I am doing other things.

YANBu

I have asked SD to stop walking in our bedroom without knocking

YANBU

I am told I should take on parental and financial responsibility when we get married yet I get no say in what happens at our house. If I even put vegetables on SD's plate I am in the wrong

YANBU

I can't tidy up after SD or get accused of trying to tidy her away.

YANBU.

We earn significantly more than SD's mum and I have been told if my partner wants his daughter to go to private school then we will pay for it. I feel that her mother should be contributing fairly towards this and it shouldn't all fall on us

it really depends; but if your partner insists on private school and he earns much more; then he should pay most if not all.

My ex's family went away with their daughter, grandkids etc and took my partners ex away with them. It made me feel uncomfortable but I said nothing. Then later my new MIL to be stated she wasn't coming to the entirety of my hen do, given the former this made me really upset

YABU, they are totally fine to invite your partner’s ex, she’s the mother of their grandchild. You can’t just rub her out of the picture and expect your in-laws not to have a relationship with her. Your MIL doesn’t have to attend your entire hen:

I recently made wedding thank you cards as our wedding isn't just one day so thought we could give them out at the time save posting etc after, and did not include my SD in them, they are signed from me & partner and has a sketch of us on the front with the dogs

YABU for including the dogs and not your SD; it sends the message she is not part of your family.

I still want to go on holidays and trips sometimes without SD

YA possibly being U if DD is feeling cast aside this needs to be carefully managed and thought through. Your partners daughter needs to remain his foremost priority.

They would both be liable for joint debts.
If she personally declared bankruptcy that's her debts.

“He is waiting for one deal to go through hopefully in the next few weeks and if so it should be enough to pay off the remaining debt and balances on the wedding suppliers, if not it will be a few months after the wedding until all cleared”

In case he’s blaming the ex for the £100K debt… look at the kind of man he is without her in the picture any more. Booking an expensive wedding in 3-4 months time with no actual way of paying the supplier balances with his own money. This is madness. “Hopefully” and “should be”? So who is paying the suppliers if his deal isn’t completed in time?

Will that be you, or on credit (+ interest) using the credit that became available when you gifted this feckless waste of space twenty bloody grand?

When you have a joint debt, it is possible for one creditor to be declared bankrupt, leaving the other person wholly and solely liable. It’s not unfair, because in the case of a joint debt, even without the bankruptcy both parties went into it knowing they were joint and severally liable for the full amount.

BUT there is no such thing as a “joint credit card” in the U.K. Doesn’t exist. Only one person is ever liable - what they have is a second card in the other person’s name - but the money owed is still the first person.

So if the credit card was in her name, bankruptcy wouldn’t have transferred it to his. And if the card was in his name, it would have been irrelevant to her bankruptcy.

Quite likely they had a credit card in his name but both spent on it or jointly decided on frivolous purchases (his debt does not sound like desperate times, just foolishness).

I wouldn’t touch this guy with a barge pole anyway, but I absolutely would not marry someone whose HUGE debt I didn’t understand. Even if that’s you not asking rather than him lying. If he’s the kind of man to run up ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS in debt (seriously, I know you’ve never been poor but you don’t sound like a dick: say that out loud to yourself: ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS ) do you want to be with him when the lucrative client work disappears (easy come easy go) and he puts school fees on his credit card?

And that’s before we fast forward a few years and you divorce and suddenly his massive debt is part of your total asset split consideration.

You have had far too comfortable and naïve an upbringing and adulthood is a man with £100K debt doesn’t break you out in a cold sweat. Do you even know how he accrued it? You know - the truth, not the “blaming it on my ex” version?

Just to help the thread read more easily, to quote someone in your post, use the three little dots on the right at the bottom of the post you want to quote and it'll look the same as mine here 😊the person you've quoted will also get a notification.

In terms of bankruptcy debt, if it was run up in both names and she was declared bankrupt, he would be liable yes. Do they get on?

OP said in a previous post that after his deal is done in the next few weeks he will be paying off his all debt and the remaining balances for their wedding suppliers.

Did you not read the thread? 🤡