Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents sleeping in living room so child can have own room

209 replies

PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:03

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

OP posts:
Thread gallery
18
Merryoldgoat · 29/07/2023 22:13

@PlantsAndStuff

i have two boys with ASD and their own space is entirely essential.

No, moving downstairs isn’t ideal but it’s essential in my opinion.

Why is your DH so resistant? I can’t imagine being so against anything to clearly better for the children.

needhelpgivelove · 29/07/2023 22:12

PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:03

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

Firstly I am so sorry that so much is going on for your family. It must be so painful to see your babies struggling.

I have twin almost 7 year olds. They often have twin wars and have gotten to the age where the truly struggle being around each other, besides being twins they are total opposites. One's incredibly tidy and slightly OCD in her routines, she also likes to go to sleep early and struggles hugely with noises and smell as too. My other girl is the complete opposite. Messy, free, stays up as late as her little eyes can no matter how many times I read her stories. I'm a single parent (I do have a fiancé but he's not their father so leaves most things to me) and in all honesty, I've begun turning our room into a second room so they both have the space they deserve. Yes it means we are on the sofa. Yes it's not the greatest for privacy (which may be your partners concern) but it won't be forever. Eventually we will be able to move or the girls will become more aware of the sacrifices a parent makes but for now I have no problems sleeping in the sitting room. My partner doesn't either. I mostly fall asleep in there anyway while watching tv so for now it'll help my girls be happy.

You've got to do what you've got to do. I understand both you and your partner. Perhaps if you have family support you can both go on a date night and discuss it properly? All cards on the table and see if there is an even compromise. Perhaps he's worried about sleep if he has an intense job or he's just purely unhappy with you both not having your own space. Also the idea of sex and being caught by your children could be worrying him. There's so many possibilities but it's worth a calm and understanding conversation on both parts. You've got this OP!!

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:11

babbscrabbs · 29/07/2023 22:07

Sorry you're all going through this.

It's a tricky one but I think I'd do the same in your situation. What's your downstairs space like? Has she said it will actually help? What were all the arguments about?

Also - could you give one of the DDs the box room as it doesn't seem fair for the ones sharing to have the smallest room?

yes would definitely but dd in box room, another dd in double room and boys in other double.

downstairs is tiny. living room which has the stairs in it and kitchen

OP posts:
Blueskysunflower · 29/07/2023 22:11

In short term I’d be on DD15’s case about being more considerate and frankly less disgusting than stuffing food packets and dirty laundry in drawers and cupboards.

Do you only have one downstairs living space or do you have a dining room?

BPDprincess · 29/07/2023 22:10

Or is the girls room big enough to put a partition up?

BPDprincess · 29/07/2023 22:09

This sounds stressful and I can hear the anxiety through your post.

I'm afraid my view probably won't be that popular but your 15 year old daughter really needs to step up and be more helpful. Yes, she's a teenager; she's NOT a baby and she she is definitely old enough to know that she needs to be more considerate.

How big is your lounge? Is it big enough to put up a partition/screen to make a sleeping area for you and DH?

I think I'm with DH, though. You shouldn't have to give up your room.

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:09

thanks for sharing, this is my perspective, that its a solution and probably wouldnt be more than a few years when dd15 would go off to uni. but DH really is very against it.

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 29/07/2023 22:07

Sorry you're all going through this.

It's a tricky one but I think I'd do the same in your situation. What's your downstairs space like? Has she said it will actually help? What were all the arguments about?

Also - could you give one of the DDs the box room as it doesn't seem fair for the ones sharing to have the smallest room?

birdling · 29/07/2023 22:06

We have a 3 bed and 3 kids. Our eldest is being assessed for asd, and needs his own room. The younger two share, but they are boy and girl and at some point soon will need to have their own space. I cannot have the two boys sharing, so we are considering sleeping downstairs in the living room. You do what you need to do 🤔.

Swipe left for the next trending thread