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Original poster

Parents sleeping in living room so child can have own room

209 replies

PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:03

Will try to keep it brief but can clarify/answer questions if needed.
we have 4 children dd15, dd13, ds11, ds7. live in a 3 bed house private rent, 3rd room is box and not ideal but the boys share this with bunk beds, DH and I have one of the double rooms and the girls share the other.

Dd 13 is on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, gets overwhelmed easily, likes things neat and tidy, needs her own space, noise, mess and smells overwhelm her. but she is a high functioning, intelligent, kind girl. BUT her sister is naturally messy, a bit lazy and her putting dirty washing and food packets back into cupboards, drawers etc can make the room smell. she leaves things lying around etc.

We have had countless discussions about this but she is a teenager. DD13 just really struggles to manage this and they often argue.

a couple of weeks ago dd took an overdose after an argument with a friend at school, argument with dad, and an argument with DD15. She really does struggle without having her own place that is just hers.

There is no option to move house, and as we private rent cant split a room and due to the shape cant really divide them using curtain/storage boxes etc

If it was down to me i would sleep downstairs and let the girls have a room each. this would also benefit the boys as they wouldnt have to share box room.

DH is adamant that we cant do this. he says its not right that we dont have a room of our own when the kids can share and it just is completely unacceptable. I see where he is coming from, but it wouldnt be forever and im just so aware that dd13 is struggling and im scared of a repeat of her overdose.

any advice or opinions welcome

OP posts:
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Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:33

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 29/07/2023 22:18

Well they could both be ND!
As an ND person myself this is the big challenge that everyone ignores. So many people are diagnosed now and they have conflicting needs like in the OP. Who are you going to stop.

OP - can you put your DD in the living room instead of you both?

Show quote history

i dont think that would be possible as its the only communal living space

OP posts:
BPDprincess · 29/07/2023 22:32

SlippySarah · 29/07/2023 22:29

I would insist on it OP. Its really not a big hardship to sleep in the living room if your DD is that distressed that she's taken an OD and this small thing will help her. I have a DD around the same age who cuts herself when she gets overwhelmed and i would walk over hot coals to make things better for her. Your DH does not sound like a supportive or caring father at all.

That is way out of line.

RoseBucket · 29/07/2023 22:30

Can you find a floor plan of the house on Rightmove to see if people can help with suggestions?

But I would do what you’re suggesting at least until she is more stable (although I’m not sure if stable is an acceptable word - hopefully I’ve not caused offence)

I hope as a family you are also being supportive it must be very frightening.

Wenfy · 29/07/2023 22:29

The 15 yo’s behaviour is absolutely not normal and is in fact incredibly similar to what my 11 yo does. She has a tendancy to hoard when stressed and blanks out sometimes - so we’ve found cereal bowls in cupboards before. Has she been assessed by any chance?

SeaToSki · 29/07/2023 22:29

Can your two boys go in with your oldest DD and your 13yr old have the box room? Just until things are on a more even keel. Again not ideal, but needs must. If your downstairs is just two rooms, I really dont see how you can have one of them be a bedroom without it being hugely disruptive to all. And ADHD could potentially be an asset in this circumstance, if you can get her to have this issue be her hyperfocus then she will be able to run rings around everyone tidying and eliminating smells. The trick is to find a way of triggering the hyperfocus.

chrissycn11 · 29/07/2023 22:29

You can apply for a disabled facilities grant of up to £30K to modify a house for a disabled person. This grant is available to both home owners and renters and it is free for children. You could apply for an extension to provide an extra bedroom, get as much supporting evidence as you can and apply for it.

SlippySarah · 29/07/2023 22:29

I would insist on it OP. Its really not a big hardship to sleep in the living room if your DD is that distressed that she's taken an OD and this small thing will help her. I have a DD around the same age who cuts herself when she gets overwhelmed and i would walk over hot coals to make things better for her. Your DH does not sound like a supportive or caring father at all.

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:29

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 29/07/2023 22:16

This OP.
I think YANBU. But you need to try everything else possible first.
You can get stuff like this:
https://www.buildingadditions.co.uk/acoustic-wall/
https://www.movablepartitionwalls.co.uk/acoustic

Show quote history

thanks ill look at these, not sure they will be possible but worth a look

OP posts:
Colinfromaccounts · 29/07/2023 22:27

Can you move to a cheaper area and get a bigger house?

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:23

Merryoldgoat · 29/07/2023 22:13

@PlantsAndStuff

i have two boys with ASD and their own space is entirely essential.

No, moving downstairs isn’t ideal but it’s essential in my opinion.

Why is your DH so resistant? I can’t imagine being so against anything to clearly better for the children.

thank you. honestly im not so sure. I think the idea of not having a bedroom in his own home, having to clear up sleeping things, pillows blankets etc each morning and set it up again in the evening.

it would only be every other night at the moment also as we take turns sleeping with ds 7 as he struggles sleeping alone (another story!)
so at least half the time we would get a sleep in a bed upstairs (until ds7 starts sleeping alone)

OP posts:
HungoverBeforeDrunk · 29/07/2023 22:22

Is either double big enough for a partition? So you could make it 2 separate rooms? Hard to put in a permanent partition if it's rental, but you could find an innovative way to partition?

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 29/07/2023 22:22

*talk him into

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 29/07/2023 22:22

Also I don't mean to be on a diagnosis spiral and am aware that it's overused on here but it is often inherited. Does your H have ASD traits? if so
It might be very difficult to talk him out of something he doesn't want!

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:20

needhelpgivelove · 29/07/2023 22:12

Firstly I am so sorry that so much is going on for your family. It must be so painful to see your babies struggling.

I have twin almost 7 year olds. They often have twin wars and have gotten to the age where the truly struggle being around each other, besides being twins they are total opposites. One's incredibly tidy and slightly OCD in her routines, she also likes to go to sleep early and struggles hugely with noises and smell as too. My other girl is the complete opposite. Messy, free, stays up as late as her little eyes can no matter how many times I read her stories. I'm a single parent (I do have a fiancé but he's not their father so leaves most things to me) and in all honesty, I've begun turning our room into a second room so they both have the space they deserve. Yes it means we are on the sofa. Yes it's not the greatest for privacy (which may be your partners concern) but it won't be forever. Eventually we will be able to move or the girls will become more aware of the sacrifices a parent makes but for now I have no problems sleeping in the sitting room. My partner doesn't either. I mostly fall asleep in there anyway while watching tv so for now it'll help my girls be happy.

You've got to do what you've got to do. I understand both you and your partner. Perhaps if you have family support you can both go on a date night and discuss it properly? All cards on the table and see if there is an even compromise. Perhaps he's worried about sleep if he has an intense job or he's just purely unhappy with you both not having your own space. Also the idea of sex and being caught by your children could be worrying him. There's so many possibilities but it's worth a calm and understanding conversation on both parts. You've got this OP!!

Show quote history

thanks so much, i think hes a bit more traditional thinking, we shouldnt be bending over backwards and making sacrifices of our own comfort to cater to the children, and i do get that, we are important too. but my 13 y/o tried to kill herself so i just feel like i would do anything to calm her little mind

OP posts:
HungoverBeforeDrunk · 29/07/2023 22:19

Well, when DCs were 1 and 3, we gave them their own rooms (because we needed sleep and one would invariably wake the other!) DH and I slept in the lounge. We had that arrangement for about 2 years. It was fine and everyone slept well.

In your shoes we would definitely make the lounge our bedroom for a bit.

But, we were on the same page. I don't know what we would have done if DH had not wanted to sleep in the lounge. I get where you r both coming from, and I think you both are perfectly reasonable. Maybe your DH could be persuaded to try it for a bit? Meanwhile try and find somewhere bigger that is affordable - even in another area??

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 29/07/2023 22:18

CuteCillian · 29/07/2023 22:15

If sleeping downstairs would put an intolerable strain on your marriage (it would on mine!) then it really isn't an option. ASD or not, your DC need to have both parents.
I agree with telling asking your eldest to consider her sisters particular needs.

Well they could both be ND!
As an ND person myself this is the big challenge that everyone ignores. So many people are diagnosed now and they have conflicting needs like in the OP. Who are you going to stop.

OP - can you put your DD in the living room instead of you both?

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 29/07/2023 22:18

Like this - www.mattressnut.com/bunk-bed-room-dividers/

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:17

Blueskysunflower · 29/07/2023 22:11

In short term I’d be on DD15’s case about being more considerate and frankly less disgusting than stuffing food packets and dirty laundry in drawers and cupboards.

Do you only have one downstairs living space or do you have a dining room?

only one living space. living room (stairs also go into this room) and kitchen with a small table

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 29/07/2023 22:17

As someone with some sensory issues who grew up with six siblings in a house that was too small and never had my own space EVER until I moved out at 16... I have a lot of sympathy for your daughter. It's hard to be that age, it's even harder when you have nothing and nowhere that is just yours.

I do think you should move to the living room to try and give your kids their own space. It's so important especially in their teenage years. You do what you have to do.

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:16

BPDprincess · 29/07/2023 22:10

Or is the girls room big enough to put a partition up?

its possible, but you wouldnt be able to fully open the door. we did do this for a while a couple of years ago but dd13 got just as stressed out with dd15 having her stuff overflowing/ going round into dd13 half. also things like noise/ music/ tv still an issue (and any smells)

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 29/07/2023 22:16

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 29/07/2023 22:14

What's the size and layout of DDs shared room? I've seen some really clever partitioning methods using bunk beds and fake wall, it might be possible to create them their own spaces without you and DH losing your room.

If necessary is your room bigger than DDs so potentially you could swap your double for their double to make partitioning them easier?

This OP.
I think YANBU. But you need to try everything else possible first.
You can get stuff like this:
https://www.buildingadditions.co.uk/acoustic-wall/
https://www.movablepartitionwalls.co.uk/acoustic

Acoustic and Soundproof Moveable Walls - Building Additions

Let our experienced team at Building Additions help you to choose the right type of acoustic or soundproofed folding or moveable wall to suit your needs.

https://www.buildingadditions.co.uk/acoustic-wall

2chocolateoranges · 29/07/2023 22:15

We did this for numerous years, we just had boundaries eg children were in bedroom at set time so we had time to ourselves, our clothes were still in a wardrobe in one of the rooms and we bought a good quality sofa bed.

we then put a partition up in one of the bedrooms so that we all had a small bedroom each, worked well for us at the time. Ds has a tiny room, enough for bed and wardrobe and that’s it but we manage.

ypu have to do what’s best for all the family.

CuteCillian · 29/07/2023 22:15

If sleeping downstairs would put an intolerable strain on your marriage (it would on mine!) then it really isn't an option. ASD or not, your DC need to have both parents.
I agree with telling asking your eldest to consider her sisters particular needs.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 29/07/2023 22:14

What's the size and layout of DDs shared room? I've seen some really clever partitioning methods using bunk beds and fake wall, it might be possible to create them their own spaces without you and DH losing your room.

If necessary is your room bigger than DDs so potentially you could swap your double for their double to make partitioning them easier?

Original poster
PlantsAndStuff · 29/07/2023 22:13

BPDprincess · 29/07/2023 22:09

This sounds stressful and I can hear the anxiety through your post.

I'm afraid my view probably won't be that popular but your 15 year old daughter really needs to step up and be more helpful. Yes, she's a teenager; she's NOT a baby and she she is definitely old enough to know that she needs to be more considerate.

How big is your lounge? Is it big enough to put up a partition/screen to make a sleeping area for you and DH?

I think I'm with DH, though. You shouldn't have to give up your room.

not big enough im afraid. yes i agree dd15 needs to step up. she is also possibly has ADHD (not diagnosed, but recently suggested being refered by school councellor) so its not always as easy as just making her step up. she is nice and wants to do better but really struggles keeping tidy

OP posts:
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