To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

It does really depend on how you carry your weight. I'm 5 foot 1 but didn't find anyone treated me differently when I was a size 14-16 which is heavy for my height, my bmi was 30. I still had a waist, cheekbones and dressed as well as I could. Boobs didn't sag. I don't exercise loads but I walk a lot and probably have some muscle memory from working out before. I'm a 10-12 at the moment but hoping to get back to an 8-10 after pregnancy.

@Namechangedforthis25 Thanks for explaining!

@HumptyHouse Thanks to you too, I understand now. You're right we can all look so different at any size. When I was 20 stone I still had cheekbones and bony wrists, at size 12 11/12 stone my hips are jutting out and been told my face looks like a skull (lovely 😂) I look gangly.

It's awful isn't it how different we get treated at weights we look clearly overweight at, it's disconcerting.. I was the same person. At my bigger weight I'm treated like I'm thick and not worthy of good service and respect, not spoken to often by strangers etc. I don't do it myself, everyone is equal to me and my kindness is based on how they come across.

There can be a huge difference.

I have a small frame and small features and just can’t carry weight at all, I feel chubby and shapeless at a 12 and have a really obvious “spare tyre”.

I have always been regarded as beautiful/stunning when at a lower weight (size 6/8 ideally, 10 absolute max) but if I go to up to a size 12/14 then the way I look and the way I am treated is very different indeed. The world actually seems like a different place.

It was quite disorienting the first time it happened and it took me a while to actually figure out what was going on 😂 I’d gained weight during pregnancy - I lost it slowly and there was a particular weight where the world seems to change again and people were ever so kind and helpful (it certainly isn’t just men either, women behave completely differently and even children, as a previous poster commented). The same thing has happened every time I have gained and lost weight throughout my life.

I spent most of the first part of my life being “naturally slim”, so I had no idea about anything of this until I got bigger. I thought the world was just full of kind and very nice people who wanted to help me with things and who gave me things for free.

so I think it’s less about the size and more about the figure. I don’t carry my weight well - I’ve lost any remnant of an hourglass figure and a lot of it is on my waist and tum my.

my friend is a perfect size 12 and looks perfect - and can wear anything

12/14 isn't anywhere close to being big though, so can't imagine how people would treat you differently?
Size 16 has been average for a long time so you are slimmer than that

I thought it would just be if someone appears obese and far bigger than average, like when I had a brief time being 20 stone. I lost allthe weight and got to a size 12 which I've always been before and after, and everyone (wrongly) treats me great, get chatted up, people go out of their way for me, respect etc

I’ve seen this myself when I went up to size 12/14 from a size 8/10.

But - and I really don’t mean this in a horrible way - it is obvious to me that people would react like that. From an evolutionary perspective people want to find mates or are fearful of the alpha - and everything is biologically hardwired towards that.

so women need to look fertile to be respected - voluptuous and fit is fine, but more unfortunately is looked down upon.

and the same goes with men - fit and strong is preferred.

personally I don’t feel myself at all when I carry extra weight as I don’t like how the world sees me - I would love us to try and change the world but honestly I don’t think we can - it’s the reptile brain that can’t be tamed.

I could have written this. I've been a size 10 and I'm now a size 20. Generally speaking, I felt the world was much friendlier when I was slim. That's not just men finding me attractive, it's women too.
At my current size I feel I am either ignored or comments made about my size. I envy women that carry weight well. I am quite pretty when slim and ugly when overweight. I actually look quite masculine. It really gets me down and I wonder how I have eaten my way to this size.

Helloooo , I really hope you remain fit and well throughout your life; may you never suffer any illness’s requiring steroids and the like.What would you rather have ? Increased weight or an early death?
Fool

I agree op. I'm obese and disabled. My weight fluctuates too. When i'm in my wheelchair I am so invisible. People just don't see me/acknowledge me. It's very very lonely 🙁

Go on then. Explain to me how I should go about 'changing myself' to make myself palatable to others. Explain how I should learn to be cool with having 'fat cunt' shouted at me from passing cars.

Well kind of, but it depends on what you think the point of the thread is. If it’s to solve the OP’s problem then maybe you’re right, but still “lose weight” is only one of the options. You’ve outlined another different one.

the actual question in the OP is “AIBU to find it upsetting to be treated badly when I’m fat”, and no, that’s not unreasonable, though clearly some people think it’s right and proper that she should be treated badly and her feeling upset is part of the point of that. I don’t know that the OP asked for solutions as you have outlined - and they are a bit obvious, you must think the OP is a bit daft if she hasn’t considered them. Maybe she just wants to talk about it.

It is actually helpful. It might not feel it, but it's still the truth. If she is genuinely treated less well while overweight. Then there are two possible ways that could be better. One is to change yourself, the other is to change the attitudes of a large amount of other people. One is possible, the other isn't.

Changing yourself isn't easy but it's possible. Completely changing the attitudes and behaviours of even one other person is nearly impossible, even for spouses, close family, patients,etc. Doing so for a significant amount of strangers just isn't going to happen.

You can change yourself in different ways. Either lose the weight and hope it changes how people treat you. Or change your reaction to how people treat you and learn not to let it bother you. Neither is particularly easy but both have benefits.

Yeah I can't stand this excuse for basic male behaviour usually.

Humans are shit. It’s that simple

Not at all. Humans are shit and it’s just the unfortunate truth

Stop trying to read between the lines. I’m fat myself lol

Not at all

They don’t have to. I’m just adding another perspective that’s all. I’m not trying to personally upset anyone that’s why I’m saying not to take what I say personally. I’m not an emotional person so I’m sorry if I came off aloof

It’s not my way of thinking personally, I’m just giving another perspective. I’m not trying to hurt anyone so I’m sorry if I did

Oh I'm not taking it personally. If anything i find it amusing how keen you are to boast that you have very primitive way of interacting with the world.

My weight gain was brief -due to medicine- and I was thin most of my life and am getting back to that figure again swiftly. But it taught me so much about the world. There are people are just as kind and compassionate when you are fat, which tells me all these "ape brain" excuses say more about the people making them than anything else

I mean, I like to think my brain is somewhat more evolved than an apes brain, but is becoming apparent from this thread that some people are keen to brag about their lack of intellect

We aren't apes @Madamebutterfly97 . Why would people want to defend bad behaviour by pretending humans can only act in accordance with primitive instincts and that we can't strive for anything better?

The point is we have created societies and civilisations, our brains have grown and we are not our ancestors; there are many behaviours which might be instinctive that we observe in the animal kingdom which we have evolved out of. There is a lizard brain explanation for some bodily responses like fight/flight/freeze/fawn but it's very lazy to just announce everything we feel like doing (bullying fat people apparently!) is just cavemanan impulse we can never overcome. We have awareness, we have understanding and we are not apes or cavemen anymore. Many things a Neanderthal might have done are no longer acceptable in modern society, so let's not excuse our worst and cruellest impulses by claiming we can't help it. We can.

If people object to what you say it’s not them “taking it personally”

There’s been a lot of “it is what it is”. Why should people accept poor treatment and discriminatory portrayals in films?

Yes studies have shown time and time again that we judge people on appearances.
We might not want it to be true but it is.
I assume it’s some sort of hangover from when we lived in caves; you had two seconds to decide if someone was from your ‘tribe’ or risk getting killed.

Thank you.

Yes, that’s it -resolving eating disorders whether it’s binge eating or anorexia etc require delving into some deep issues, not people making you feel even worse which if anything will aggravate the condition.

What is particularly telling is how so many fat people report instances of being laughed at or heckled when out running or at the gym. There is no way you can convince me these strangers are genuinely concerned for the persons health. It is, as you say, to punch down and make themselves feel better.

Not to mention the dismissive manner in which many medical professional treats overweight people when they’re literally seeking help for their health.