Page 9 | Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

NewMomma21 · 2023-07-23T19:14:44+00:00

Looking for advice. Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially. I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc. Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking. I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager. Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:35

AMuser · 23/07/2023 21:25

@NewMomma21 - send him this very famous blog post from a man who thought his wife was a nag.

Write him an email & telll him - every single time he does this he is telling you “I don’t respect you. I have contempt for what matters to you. My time is more valuable than yours. You are less than me. Our home means nothing to me”.

Tell him - he will plenty of time to feel annoyed by your “nagging” when he’s sat on his own in a crap flat.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I’m going to read this blog now as I head to bed.

It’s not a bad idea to compile a list of everything I do and go through it with him and really emphasise that leaving me to do all these things on my own demonstrates a total lack of respect and contempt.

Just to add I am not a SAHM, my job allows me to be home for a few weeks over the summer. I contribute financially to our household so I am not beholden to him in that sense. When I am in work I continue with the same amount of domestic tasks.

OP posts:

AMuser · 23/07/2023 21:32

itsmylife7 · 23/07/2023 21:28

No, of course he's not going to change OP.

This is who he is and he's always been this way. Lots of people aren't bothered by dirt and live in squalor.

Let this be a warning to all the Women reading this.... if you date and move in with a lazy,dirty unhelpful Man....you can't change him.

Has anyone linked the my wife left me as I wouldn't wash up thingy ?
I can't do links 🙂

I just have upthread 😃😃

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:31

In relation to his parents. FIL is sadly deceased. MIL as I said absolutely idolises him, he can do no wrong. His success means everything to her. She is not tidy herself, in their family value system career is first and then fun and tidiness is not ranked. If it ever comes up in passing she will often say he gets his untidiness from her. I want to stress I don’t blame her, his actions as a husband and partner are not her responsibility however I do feel that she legitimises his messiness and laziness if the topic arises.

OP posts:

NooNaNa · 23/07/2023 21:30

He won't charge. He might do a few weeks but will always revert to being selfish and lazy because that's who he is.

itsmylife7 · 23/07/2023 21:28

No, of course he's not going to change OP.

This is who he is and he's always been this way. Lots of people aren't bothered by dirt and live in squalor.

Let this be a warning to all the Women reading this.... if you date and move in with a lazy,dirty unhelpful Man....you can't change him.

Has anyone linked the my wife left me as I wouldn't wash up thingy ?
I can't do links 🙂

Acornsoup · 23/07/2023 21:26

He's doesn't have to do any of it because you will. Stop doing everything OP. Tell him you are exhausted. If he won't do it, maybe he can't hire some help for you? At least until you have some energy back?

Don't waste your time nagging him. It hasn't worked so far.

This reason is why a lot of men find themselves single, over and over again. Because life IS easier without them.

AMuser · 23/07/2023 21:25

@NewMomma21 - send him this very famous blog post from a man who thought his wife was a nag.

Write him an email & telll him - every single time he does this he is telling you “I don’t respect you. I have contempt for what matters to you. My time is more valuable than yours. You are less than me. Our home means nothing to me”.

Tell him - he will plenty of time to feel annoyed by your “nagging” when he’s sat on his own in a crap flat.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/07/2023 21:23

Ask him how he would feel if the toddler climbed into the bath water he had left? Or if the crawling baby was licking up something he’d left split on the floor?
Ask him exactly what he’d explain to the health visitor if one of the children got sick because of his slovenly ways?

When the load got to uneven with DH I drew up a schedule of how many hours a week we both worked at work and on household stuff. I asked why there was such a discrepancy.

Seriously stop doing stuff for him. Just have clean stuff for you and the DC and leave him to struggle. Also you might want to point out that being treated like a cross between a housekeeper and a replacement mother isn’t great for the relationship - doesn’t exactly make you fancy him!!

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:23

Misspinkdiditinthelibrary · 23/07/2023 21:14

But he doesn't want to ' resolve a conflict' does he ? Because he doesn't see there is one, just you refusing to know your place as a sexual housekeeper that doubles as a nanny.

he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix

Now that looks promising ^. So ;

Engage a 'home-help' to do some laundry
Give the cleaner more hours
Order your groceries on-line
Employ a child-minder for one morning a week so you can go shopping/go to the beautician/ have some 'me time'.
Get a catering service in one night a week to do a buffet for you.

I'm sure you can think of more ways that using money can make your life easier.🙂

Show quote history

You’re absolutely right. In his mind there is no conflict.

I did not grow up with a lot of money and hate the idea of money allowing a person to be lazy and skip out on their domestic responsibilities however maybe there is something to what you are saying. If I got up tomorrow and said I want our laundry out sourced and you’re paying he wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would happily pay. If I said I want a child minder to free up time for myself he would pay for that and the beauticians. Maybe I need to accept the “out sourcing”. My fear would be that would actually make him more lazy&it doesn’t really solve the problem of the coffee cups lying around or the milk left out. It’s those endless small things I find most demoralising.

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/07/2023 21:21

Leave.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 21:21

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:03

I have strongly considered not doing any of his laundry anymore. I have stopped cleaning his office. But I feel that stopping the laundry is petty and gives a bad example of conflict resolution to our LO even though they are just a toddler.

He probably would not care if I stopped, he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix and would very very likely bag up his clothes and send them to a laundry service.

Then let him

Diminishingreturns99 · 23/07/2023 21:20

I get your rage op.

Tbh, even if he is prepared to throw money at the issue, I would feel hurt that he didn’t care enough about the things I cared about ifyswim.

In other words, he would have to have a lot of other attributes to make me stay!

Also if you stay as a sahm you are financially vulnerable.

And if you go back to work, you end up doing all housework as well.

Neither is a very attractive prospect tbh.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 21:19

So how do you expect it will be when you have the baby? And are you going back to work?

Your life is difficult now, it can only get worse if you stay with him.

He has no reason to change

But even so, stop doing anything for him.

Dump his crap by his side of the bed (move him into another room?)
No cooking, washing anything for him.

Can you get family to help when you have the baby? Afford a doula?

Get your ducks in a row and explore every option

He has no respect. Is he a dirty pig at work?

Stomacharmeleon · 23/07/2023 21:17

@NewMomma21 I had one and I left him. I have now been with my tidy, clean partner for 13 years.
Could family not have a word with him? His mum, dad?

coronafiona · 23/07/2023 21:17

1.Employ a cleaner.

Stop tidying up his laundry etc
Make it clear you are not doing his laundry and that he has certain chores that you can't do.
Stick to it
Stick to it even though he gives you a hard time

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:16

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 23/07/2023 21:08

No advice but I also have one of these man babies op 🙄 I sympathise with you

It really is very upsetting at times. I’m sad that we are both in this situation.

Reading through the replies I think the overwhelming consensus is he is very unlikely to change.

OP posts:

Misspinkdiditinthelibrary · 23/07/2023 21:14

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:03

I have strongly considered not doing any of his laundry anymore. I have stopped cleaning his office. But I feel that stopping the laundry is petty and gives a bad example of conflict resolution to our LO even though they are just a toddler.

He probably would not care if I stopped, he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix and would very very likely bag up his clothes and send them to a laundry service.

But he doesn't want to ' resolve a conflict' does he ? Because he doesn't see there is one, just you refusing to know your place as a sexual housekeeper that doubles as a nanny.

he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix

Now that looks promising ^. So ;

Engage a 'home-help' to do some laundry
Give the cleaner more hours
Order your groceries on-line
Employ a child-minder for one morning a week so you can go shopping/go to the beautician/ have some 'me time'.
Get a catering service in one night a week to do a buffet for you.

I'm sure you can think of more ways that using money can make your life easier.🙂

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:11

Pallisers · 23/07/2023 21:00

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

Yeah DD lived with 4 other roommates in university and 3 of them were like this. She is by no means a neat freak and actually I never demanded a lot of her at home - but she still knew that human beings need to put out the trash and recycling, clean up the kitchen so you don't get rats or mice or cockroaches, clean the bathroom so you don't revolt everyone else. She called me in tears one night after the umpteenth time she had to empty a dishwasher she hadn't filled, clean a countertop she hadn't left food on, and put out trash she hadn't created. It wasn't the work. It was that her dear friends, friends she liked a lot, were demonstrating clearly that they didn't really give a shit about her. Now they no longer live together, they are fine. But she would never marry one of them.

You did OP. Someone who won't even drain the bath or who won't do a load of laundry to spare his pregnant wife ... he isn't going to change. Sorry but he isn't. So, you either skip out now or put in place measures to make your life bearable with him. But don't rely on him changing. He won't.

If you decide to stay, maybe increase the cleaning service a lot. Get someone who does the ironing. Confine him to one bathroom and tell him that is it for him - one bathroom and you won't ever open the door of it. Maybe then you can accept that after he baths your child, you will have to empty the bath. I dunno, it would be a massive massive turn-off for me. I just couldn't respect him but maybe you can because he was like this when you married him (not saying it is your fault it is just you knew that this was his fault and maybe you felt you could cope with it - 2 kids later maybe you can with a lot of rules/extra help).

I take your point, I was warned and lived with him before we married.

I guess a couple of things changed. He was in the office but now largely WFH which means the untidiness is unrelenting whereas before he was not physically here to make the mess to begin with. We now have a toddler, who at 20 months is still not a great sleeper so I am up most nights and therefore tired with less patience for mess.

I do find it very unattractive. I feel I’m becoming more like a mother to him and spend a lot of time just really annoyed at his lack of consideration for me and our home. I just feel annoyed bordering on rage more and more as I am less able to do things.

OP posts:

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/07/2023 21:11

So let him pay for laundry. Let him run out of pants and sift through crap on his side of the room. Tell him to use his bathroom only as he's so disrespectful of your space. Your toddler doesn't need to know anything about any of this.

LookingForFreeDoughnuts · 23/07/2023 21:10

He either pays for regular outsourcing of domestic tasks, or he pays child maintenance. 🤷🏼‍♀️

4weeknoalcohol · 23/07/2023 21:09

It sounds like he really does have a disordered view of what is needed in a home with kids I mean leaving the bath water is a safety risk with toddlers. My sons started being more thoughtful and independent when I stepped back but it seems that doesn’t work with your husband. If money is the answer get someone in everyday for a couple of hours to help and make him pay. See if that makes a difference. It doesn’t sound like he is going to change as he’s been this way for years now and in house shares too.

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 23/07/2023 21:08

No advice but I also have one of these man babies op 🙄 I sympathise with you

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 21:08

Make sure you have your own money. He can spend his on laundry and take aways. Spend yours on days out at the week end. Or ask him how he will manage with 2 dc should you get divorced.. My ex never lifted a finger. For our family or the dc. When we split 2 never saw him. 2 dumped him as soon as were old enough.. Post teen years he saw none.
Work was his one and only.

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 21:03

I have strongly considered not doing any of his laundry anymore. I have stopped cleaning his office. But I feel that stopping the laundry is petty and gives a bad example of conflict resolution to our LO even though they are just a toddler.

He probably would not care if I stopped, he is firmly of the belief that there is no problem money can’t fix and would very very likely bag up his clothes and send them to a laundry service.

OP posts:

Pallisers · 23/07/2023 21:00

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

Yeah DD lived with 4 other roommates in university and 3 of them were like this. She is by no means a neat freak and actually I never demanded a lot of her at home - but she still knew that human beings need to put out the trash and recycling, clean up the kitchen so you don't get rats or mice or cockroaches, clean the bathroom so you don't revolt everyone else. She called me in tears one night after the umpteenth time she had to empty a dishwasher she hadn't filled, clean a countertop she hadn't left food on, and put out trash she hadn't created. It wasn't the work. It was that her dear friends, friends she liked a lot, were demonstrating clearly that they didn't really give a shit about her. Now they no longer live together, they are fine. But she would never marry one of them.

You did OP. Someone who won't even drain the bath or who won't do a load of laundry to spare his pregnant wife ... he isn't going to change. Sorry but he isn't. So, you either skip out now or put in place measures to make your life bearable with him. But don't rely on him changing. He won't.

If you decide to stay, maybe increase the cleaning service a lot. Get someone who does the ironing. Confine him to one bathroom and tell him that is it for him - one bathroom and you won't ever open the door of it. Maybe then you can accept that after he baths your child, you will have to empty the bath. I dunno, it would be a massive massive turn-off for me. I just couldn't respect him but maybe you can because he was like this when you married him (not saying it is your fault it is just you knew that this was his fault and maybe you felt you could cope with it - 2 kids later maybe you can with a lot of rules/extra help).