Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

@@NewMomma21

been there, done that. EX now has another mug installed in the house, but she's a slovenly cow (knew her since we were teens) so I can only imagine the state of their place now 🤮

MY hill to die on here would be the bath water, that's a huge risk with a toddler in the house.

I'd try one more time, explaining this is NOT how couples/families work, he needs to be part of the team, part of the family and respecting the family home is part of that, if he can't/won't them he needs to find an apartment on his own.

Agree to the dishes cartoon. And this https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

And then sit him down and ask him

1. How sexually attractive does he think a man child is?
2. How would he feel if, when older, your DC had a partner who behaved as he does.

Do you have a spare room? If so, I would move in there. Tell him the bedroom and ensuite is his to keep clean. That's his bathroom from now on.

You and the children will use the other bathroom. You will keep your bedroom and bathroom clean and tidy. If he wants sex then you're only interested in doing it when his bedroom is clean and tidy.

All his mess that he leaves around the house goes in a basket and gets dumped in his room or on his side of the bed.

I have one like this. I stopped doing his washing years ago. I also told him a couple of years ago that as I clean the whole house, it's now his job to clean the family bathroom. It gets done about every 6-8 weeks. I moved all of my stuff to the downstairs loo and don't go in the family bathroom except to shower.

I've also stopped cooking for him regularly. If there's a bit of mine and the kids left over then I'll offer him some but I don't routinely cook for him.

It's not the best way to live but it makes me feel better feeling less of a skivvy to him.

It's rare for men like that change. I think it's something you either need to accept or get divorced since it sounds like it will be easier on your own anyway.

just outsource, you can get a cleaner twice a week &/or housekeeper. There are laundry services that collect washing. I don't iron DH shirts so he just gets the dry cleaners to do it. Tbh I have the attitude life is too short to spent ages tidying & cleaning.

When you just start out together, these things are bearable, but years down the line after the thousandth time of politely asking them to wash their beard hair out of the sink because you don't want to deal with it before you wash your face every morning, or the whole kitchen is a mess after he makes himself a sandwich, it becomes extremely depressing.

I think they do it on purpose. They see you as mother replacement. It must be so hard with being pregnant with an infant and putting up with him leaving mess. He needs to buy help for the household to replace what he isn't doing - which means a daily housekeeper who leaves the place spotless every day. I did this for a couple of barristers who were on the brink of divorce because he would not do a thing in the house and she was pregnant with HG - poor lady. I made their dinner and put it in the oven every night before I left as well.

If he's rich, he can pay for all this, but there's no substitute for team work.
I wouldn't have the idle lump "working from home" under your feet all day either - he needs to go back to the office/go out to work and not stay in the house being a burden on you.

You will need to hand him the lightbulb OP he ain’t going to switch it on himself.

Ultimatum: change or leave. That’s the only thing that will get through.

when is he off work next? If you can, book a nice break for you and a friend and leave him to it.
putting them on the frontline is sometimes the only way they’ll see what it is you have to do on a daily basis.

Yanbu x

If he's a high earner, surely this is a classic case of needing to throw money at the problem. More help with cleaning, maybe an ironing service or something, take the emotion out of it and think strategically about what you can pay to get done.

My OH is the same. I have decided to do a test this week and just not do anything and see if he notices. I will cook as I have to for the kids and I don't mind that but I'm not going to do anything else. There is currently a pile of his clothes at the bottom of the stairs. I am exhausted picking up after our two kids and I've realised I'm picking up after him too! It's very frustrating!

Money will solve the mess and the laundry and all that, but it is not capable of turning your marriage into one where the two of you are working as a team.

So you have to decide where your priorities lie.

&it doesn’t really solve the problem of the coffee cups lying around or the milk left out. It’s those endless small things I find most demoralising.
Your cleaning lady will clear those away.

Well yes your cleaning lady will clear superficial stuff away but tbh if one person is making mess to this extent and you have dc too, it eventually totally undermines the household (a) bc stuff builds up so much that the cleaning lady refuses to clean and (b) you can’t tell your dc to hang up their wet towels with any credibility when their dad drops his on the floor.

Dump his dirty clothes & towels on his side of the bed or on his pillow.

He won't change. Why should he when you do everything? His tolerance for dirt or mess is higher than yours so he knows you will give in eventually. Most women do.

So start making a decision. Either put up with this shit for the next thirty years, gradually getting more and more angry and resentful, turning to antidepressants to get you through it all....or start planning your divorce. That's it, there will be no long term middle ground.

Things were easier when he was away. You work, you’re married, he’s a high earner.

Have you given any thought to divorcing him?

I can relate to the constant messiness, him not seeing it/ not important - my god, how many times we had these rows when we lived together (pre and post-marriage). It was the No.1 issue because in almost all other respects he is great. Similar background of MIL who idolises him and did everything for him (and doesn't understand why I won't )

We are still together and have three kids now. How do we do it? Honestly, we outsource it. I also hate tidying and cleaning so I don't object to paying a cleaner to do all the main jobs. He does all the cooking (better cook than me) and I tidy up each evening. He pulls his weight with childcare. Yes, it still makes me twitch every time I see his pants on the floor, or realise mid-poo that he's used all the loo roll and not replaced it, or go to turn the lights out and find the bath water still in the bath ... but I can live with it.

But doing all the housework myself??? No fucking way, Jose.

If I got up tomorrow and said I want our laundry out sourced and you’re paying he wouldn’t bat an eyelid and would happily pay. If I said I want a child minder to free up time for myself he would pay for that and the beauticians. Maybe I need to accept the “out sourcing”. Yes - do that

My fear would be that would actually make him more lazy is that possible?

&it doesn’t really solve the problem of the coffee cups lying around or the milk left out. It’s those endless small things I find most demoralising.

• *Your cleaning lady will clear those away.

Now you have some 'breathing space' and can get ready to welcome your new DC.

You should do it

Look at "Bridging the Gap" on Facebook, they have quite a lot of tools and advice about how to approach this and a lot of other women in similar circumstances.

Yanbu
My ex was like this and pregnancy is the worst time as you're so helpless and vulnerable.

Have a really frank conversation with him saying you feel unwell and physically can't keep up with the housework like you usually do it is bad for you and the baby let's make a plan of what we can do together. If he thinks he can do more then get some smart targets agreed what will he do? When? How will he remember?
If he admits or realizes that he can't/won't then you need to buy in some help a couple of days a week - someone you can direct.

For men that just can't tidy up if you want to move stuff out of sight without the effort of folding everything away what I agreed with an ex was having a temporary dumping box for Possessions like paperwork he didn't file and an extra laundry basket for clean stuff that he doesn't put away yet- then it's in one
Place, not an eye sore, he can't accuse anyone of hiding his stuff and he can put it away on his own schedule (or never - his Call) that's works well if you both use the system

He really isn't going to change.

I would absolutely outsource everything you can. I would also resent having to pay for cleaners and ironers and babysitters just so DH could not be an adult - would far rather buy a painting or a holiday or a necklace with that money - but this is your reality. If you aren't actually doing all the hard graft, then maybe the coffee cups and bath water mightn't matter as much to you. You'll be able to see it as just how he is and appreciate his good points (presumably there are lots).

My mum told me you should marry a man whose faults you can bear. I think this is good advice. OP, maybe you can bear this fault. Or maybe you can't. If you can't then you need to have one more serious conversation with him to tell him his attitude might be ok in his world, but it will result in him being divorced.

On a practical level, any chance you could say no more working from home - that it is a dealbreaker?

@AMuser 😉

One way to explain this may be 'price of admission'. If he wants to live alone in squalor, he can. But if he wants to live with you, and as part of a family with his babies, he needs to contribute to making it a safe and comfortable home. That's the price of sharing his/your life, not having everything his way.