Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

If you aren’t planning to leave (and even if you are) then outsource everything, the laundry, get the cleaner in every day if you need to, book a childminder, get a gardener in.

If he says anything you just say well you don’t want to do it so we are paying someone to do your share.

Fwiw though I think outsourcing is a perfectly valid option if you can afford it. If the OP was wanting to do it no one would be saying no that's lazy.

She doesn't, she can leave. There are costs associated with being a single parent too though.

What there isn't is a future where her husband stops being messy and helps out without constant reminders.

Outsourcing, put up or leave are the 3 choices here.

I was talking to the op.
But you are right you don’t want to be on your deathbed thinking about how you spent your life cleaning up after someone else.
Which is why she should leave.

My mother was neglectful, too.

Once I was too big to be in a cot, it was my fault if I sliced my foot open on something on the floor, fell through glass or in other ways got hurt or sick as a result of her liking the house how it was. Made sense later on when we realised she literally nearly killed my older sister because she had horrendous asthma as a result of animal and dust allergies, but always recovered quickly in hospital (well, other than the time her lung collapsed, anyhow), only to relapse the moment she was discharged. It was incredibly offensive in my other's opinion to be told that she needed to clean the house when she'd far rather be watching TV.

My sister had one of these creatures, pleasant enough but a total slob. I kid you not when he made himself coffee, the counter would be awash with water, spilt milk, sugar and coffee grounds. Then he would not hold the cup totally upright so it would dribble out of the cup all the way to his office!
Her conditions to marrying him was that he was to bring a full time housekeeper with him. And all through their marriage, even when things were very tight, the housekeeper remained.
He lives on his own now, sadly she died, and his flat is a health hazard, his daughter books herself a hotel room when she visits.

Start building up your own savings, at least enough to put a deposit & rent advance if you were to leave him & furnish your home. I had a lazy husband, I was working to keep us as he had to finish work due to ill health, I would come home to rows of ds dirty bottles on the worktop, he couldn't even be bothered to wash them & drop them in the steriliser let alone think about making up enough bottles for the rest of the day, he never put a wash on in the whole nine years of our relationship, like you I would find him in bed when I came home from work but he would be watching porn. I was tearing myself in two trying to work, do school runs, look after our home, cook, shop & clean while he sat all day on his idle backside. The first day I was in my own home as a single parent it was lovely to know I would arrive home & everything was as I had left it & nobody else's filth & rubbish to clear up after.

Pfft. I “hate tidying” but it’s not like it’s a phobia. I’m not excused because I “hate it”.

I don’t agree it’s generally a split up/live alone issue for most adults. It’s a learn to be a bit more considerate issue.

You’re clearly lucky your life partner shares your standards exactly. But for most adult partnerships there’s one person a bit more bothered than the other - and that’s where compromise is needed.

I honestly do not believe there are any adults who ‘don’t see mess’. There are plenty who see ‘mess that is not at a threshold I care about’ though.

My mum told me you should marry a man whose faults you can bear. I think this is good advice. OP, maybe you can bear this fault. Or maybe you can't. If you can't then you need to have one more serious conversation with him to tell him his attitude might be ok in his world, but it will result in him being divorced.

I too think this is good advice.

If he really can’t see that he has to change - even a little - then it would be the lack of compromise and consideration that would eventually spell the end for me.

In the meantime, given you’re heavily pregnant, for now just bag up anything he leaves on the floor in a black bag. He can sort his own laundry by hook or by crook. Leave him alone with the toddler much more. Increase the cleaning lady’s hours.

So does your rubbish go out every week? Or is it overflowing the bins attracting rats? Do the neighbours complain? Do you have mice in your house because you have left out food for weeks? Do you find scummy water in the bath when you want to have one?

If not, then how you live has nothing to do with what would happen to OP if she stopped doing the adult stuff in the house. You don't have to polish the brasses but there are a minimum of things you need to do to live without infection. And I suspect you do all those things - plus you married someone who thinks the same way as you.

It is absolutely lazy to expect others to clean up your mess. It's basic consideration to at least pick up after yourself.

You see, we don't have to learn anything. We can walk away if we don't like it. And plenty do.

That's what playpens are for!

Like another poster pointed out, is it the extra work you do or the being a team point? In the short term money fixes it so get him to lay out more and ease the burden.

It's a fact that people can and do pay to make life easier. Shit for you, because he can opt out of doing a fair share.

You cant make his values mirror yours, but it appears he can, and is willing, to pay for you all.to have an easier life.

How you feel.about that lifestyle and whether you break up over it, fight, argue or roll with it is up to you.

I suppose if you have no children it is your choice to live in a tip, but it is dangerous if you have a toddler or a crawling baby.

If you want things tidy, you gotta tidy them (or learn to be less into tidyness).

OP - it isn't "lazy". People who hate tidying REALLY hate it. Get no satisfaction from it. Wouldn't care if it didn't happen. It is a total imposition to expect it.

This isn't about "tidying" Have you read the OP's posts?

of course it is lazy to not put the rubbish out and let it spill out over the bins. Of course it is lazy to not drain a bath after you use it.

Come on - we are not talking about deep-cleaning the house here. Just normal stuff that adults do to live in the world. Of course it is lazy. And living in a way that leads to vermin. Do people really think putting out the rubbish and cleaning away food and emptying water is "tidying"

@ForestGoblin

😆 What about people who hate picking up after grown men and REALLY hate it? Get no satisfaction from it. Wouldn't care if it didn't happen. It is a total imposition to expect it.

Why would I leave??? We love it. I just think tidy people need to realise they aren't "normal" while messy people are bad or lazy or weird. I think it's weird to clean the shower when you could be having fun. No one will lie on their death bed goin"if only I'd paired more socks :( :( :("

Always a woman's fault 🙄

For now, I would outsource everything that he will pay for. You are exhausted and pregnant. Just deal with the immediate situation before you get really ill.
Once you have had a chance to get some rest and reduce your workload you can think about what you want to do in the long term.

This is who you are married too. It won’t change. Either put up with it, or leave.

OP - it isn't "lazy". People who hate tidying REALLY hate it. Get no satisfaction from it. Wouldn't care if it didn't happen. It is a total imposition to expect it.

No, some people really can't stand tidying. What i meant is he needs to recognise the impact of his choices are and either offer solutions or agree to split.

Why should OP have to fork out because her DH is lazy? This is such a dereliction of basic principles of partnership. It’s not something that can be fixed by throwing money at it.