Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

My mum's sister married a guy who did absolutely nothing about the house. He worked long hours (wasn't back until 7.00.pm most nights) and spent all Saturday at the local golf course. On a Sunday he took her and the (3) kids out for Sunday lunch at the golf club. That was his only interaction with the kids when they were little.

However, he earned pots of money. They had a 5 bed detached house,
Just about everything was outsourced. They had a gardener, a cleaner twice a week, someone came in to do the ironing, all his shirts went to the laundry.
They had a nanny/au pair for 6 months after each child was born.

All my auntie did really was cook, which she liked doing.

It worked for them, but I wouldn't actually describe them as a 'couple'.

There's something sweetly optimistic about some of the responses that always appear on threads like this. "Talk to him..." "Explain to him that..." "Draw up a rota that shows him how much there is to do and how much you're currently doing..." because that approach would work on most of the people posting here. But there are a fair few men who do not care if you try to explain to them that they are being unfair, and OP's husband seems to be one of them. (IIRC she said in her OP she has talked about it before.) What these men care about is enjoying life and if they have to tune out a bit of nagging, and promise to do better and then carry on not pulling their weight and enjoying their leisure time, then that is what they will do. They do not care if their wives have less leisure time as a result.

The only thing that might work is to make sure his laziness has a negative impact on his life. If you have to do all the cleaning and tidying up, well, you're going to be too busy to do his washing and to cook anything for him, aren't you? If his stuff is on the floor, what a shame that you walked over it and it got ripped or broken or lost. You're definitely not going to want sex with a man who acts like this either because being treated this disrespectfully isn't a huge turn on, is it? You probably won't remember what food he wants in the online shop either, because you've already got the entire mental load.

I couldn't personally live like this. It's just too petty and I'd be really annoyed that I'd had to resort to it. I think some women have had success with this approach though, and it's maybe better than going straight to divorce?

The fact that he could pay to outsource some of the tasks almost feels like a red herring. For years these things haven't been outsourced, and OP's husband hasn't helped. He knows something is important to her, but he can't be bothered to even take a bin out or empty the bath water or throw out an empty loo roll. Those are the basic things than need doing even if the house doesn't look like a showhome.

My husband has sensory issues when it comes to noise, and I might not understand why noise makes him so burnt out but I still accommodate it. I make sure the door is shut when the tumble dryer is going. I'm happy for him to put noise-cancelling headphones on when we're on a motorway even though it means we can't chat. I'll try and set the robovac going when he isn't around to hear it. In turn, he does loads of things for me even though they aren't important to him - including cleaning. It's part of being in a happy relationship, and if someone is always going to prioritise their own wants, it just doesn’t work.

Your H is a slovenly pig. He treats you like a maid and your home like a hotel. Although people who stay in hotels and treat housekeeping respectfully, do not leave all their shit everywhere expecting housekeeping to clean up after them.

This is not about organising toys into certain boxes, this is doing one's fair share in a household and picking up after oneself. The fact that he won't even wipe up spills he has made or put stuff in the dishwasher. What a pig. How can you be attracted to that? Is this how you want to spend your life? I don't know what age you are but if he couldn't give a shit now, he's not going to be any different in 10/20/30/40/50 years. It's also setting a terrible example to your DC.

If you must, you have it out with him one last time before pressing the nuclear button. Each time he leaves his shit everywhere, tell him to pick it up. Every single time. Stop doing anything for him, no more laundry, no more cooking, nothing. Zero. If he doesn't change, divorce him.

If all he is doing is contributing financially, but then creates a ton of work for you because you are cleaning up after him, then divorce him. He will then be contributing financially but you will no longer have the mess to deal with. Win win. And when people ask why you divorced, you can tell them that he was a disgusting messy pig who expected his wife to pick up after him.

But honestly, I doubt he will change. It will get worse once you have a newborn because you will be recovering from birth and have a toddler and have that horrible manchild turning your home into a pigsty.

He may think you can solve all problems with money, but you can't solve his attitude - he seems to think that he doesn't have to pick up after himself. Unless you plan on having a housekeeper in 24/7 then he will still not do his fair share and you will be looking at piles of laundry, the bath not being emptied (which is a massive safety risk for toddlers and babies), dishes and cups scattered everywhere, etc.

I think I read on here before a phrase - every time he doesn't tidy up after himself, it is like saying a big fuck you to the wife (because he doesn't care about the impact on you). I think it was in that thread that I first saw that article about the husband who said his wife left him because he left the dishes in the sink.

Look back at when he was away for work - you said it was lovely, the house was so tidy. That could be your life, and he'll still have to financially support you, so LTB. He doesn't respect you.

What would happen if at the weekend you said to him - no you're not going to golf, no you're not going for a nap, no you can't go see friends because you have housework that you need to do? That has to be done first. And stop saying it's him helping you, it is him needing to do his fair share.

I'd also consider that if he continues leaving his clothes all over the floor that you bag them up and put them in the bin yourself.

Hmm I don't really see mess. But I'll clarify - I can't sit in a room with shit everywhere, of course that is obvious. But my partner and I have very different standards of tidying. For example, there might be a pile of magazines on the side, which don't belong there. As they aren't messily displayed, I honestly won't even notice them. If my partner were to ask why I didn't put them away, I will then see them, and see they look messy. But I would need someone to point them out to me - I just don't notice them at all. And because I don't notice them, I can't learn how to, if that makes sense? He absolutely cannot understand how I can't see them, or think they need putting away.

Same with a collection of small toys on a shelf. If they've been there long enough, they become part of the decor and I won't notice them at all. So if I am tidying the room, I'll miss these areas out, as I don't see them as mess.

It's very hard for someone who cannot stand any mess to understand people who just don't see it.

What about sitting down with him and looking to resolve the problem together, compromise, win-win? He doesn't understand that his behaviour makes you feel like his mother / housekeeper / skivvy and that you feel disrespected, and you can't understand his mentality that someone else can do the stuff he doesn't want to do, especially if he can throw money at it. So maybe drop any aspect of mothering / nagging / asking / expecting him to change, etc.

Instead, what if you literally say to him - DH, I love how generous you are, and I love that you're fun. Now that we are a family, I'm finding that I value partnership. You've always been my teammate, and I don't want to lose it. How can we solve this problem?

Then work through compromises.

Things he can throw money at, things he'll pick up the slack on, and things you'll relax on.

My DP and I roughly share jobs, but I'm usually the one emptying the bins (he usually lets them get stuffed to full), whereas he's usually the one emptying the dishwasher (and I tend to leave things in the sink). The bin thing annoys me, and the sink thing annoys him, but basically I think the only way to cohabit well is to communicate then work out what the compromise is, then work on what you can relax about, and what he can pick up.

My DP earns much more money than me and is better at logistics / life admin. So if he lets the bin overflow or leaves his slippers on the floor and the dog keeps getting them, I let it go, because I see the benefits I'm getting from pairing up with him. I don't know if that makes sense, and for what it's worth, the way your DH is behaving would irritate me too. But I think you can't actually change a person. Better to state what you value/need (in the bigger picture) and then find the joint solution if you can.

Lose the word “help”. Pulling his weight is not helping, the stuff you are doing is not your responsibility. When I got to the part where you said you work full time, I couldn’t believe it. How on earth has it come to this? Stop telling him, take action. Draw up a plan splitting the work fairly in two and just do your half.

I think it's really important to notice now how this will impact raising kids. My DH is exactly the same as yours, he'll happily throw money at any issue but is never prepared to put an effort in.

When our DC were younger, it was fine but by the time they were teenagers and I was asking them to pick up their rubbish, all I got was "But Dad doesn't" and it was a real issue. That was the point at which I lost it so much with him that he got his wallet out and paid for a cleaner. So for a few hours a week, I get "a break" from being his servant. It's not the bonus he thinks it is, in fact if anything it just makes me resent him even more.

Have you discussed his untidiness from the perspective that your children could get hurt? If he's prepared to pay to outsource cleaning, laundry etc that's great, but he does need to be pulling the plug on the bath and not leaving rubbish out on the sides. Also, I'd make the point that he should set an example to your children otherwise you'll end up constantly tidying up after 3 people in the not so distant future.

I think in light of your responses, your best option is to buy in whatever help is needed. And if you worry about it being disrespectful to a female cleaner to have them picking up after him, get a male one. But it isn’t really, if they are being paid by him to clean and tidy, then why would they object? He would be paying them to facilitate his time off, that’s OK.
There’s a bit of a puritanical streak running through a lot of us, but if he works hard, and he can afford to pay for help so that he can take a nap when he feels like it, I don’t think that is morally wrong. From what you’ve said he is not expecting you to step in, in fact you have specifically said that he is willing and able to throw money at this problem, so let him. Don’t feel obliged to do everything that he doesn’t want to do. You are in the very fortunate position of being able to afford choices here.
Just think, if you were to leave him , he would almost certainly be paying someone to do all the jobs he doesn’t want to do, it’s not incumbent on you to fill in the gaps.

OP will MIL or DM come and help when baby arrives? Take all the help you can get even if it's just to take DC1 to the park for an hour. In the mean time put your feet up (doctors orders) and tell DH you are too tired to make dinner, pick his socks up etc

You could also look for a postnatal doula for a month or two following birth. They come as often/little as you want and will do whatever is needed to support you following the birth. If you have got money to throw at this problem it would be a good investment

Some people are really untidy and he is one of them. Maybe he sees you as house elf, maybe he isn't thinking about it at all.
I think in your shoes I'd try to rearrange things so that his messiness impacts you less.
So if he leaves toothpaste mess in your bathroom, move his toothbrush to the other bathroom.
If you pick his stuff up off the floor, chuck it somewhere out of the way,like a bin bag that the goes in his cupboard. Don't do his washing, obviously, and when the baby has a nap, your priority should be you having a nap too. You are pregnant, you should be resting.
But the real problem is that you doing everything will make you resentful and unhappy. Is there a quid pro quo, does he do other stuff so that you don't have to?

This isn't just his personality trait. Hr is deliberately acting this way because he believes that it's your job to do all of these things

He has no respect for you. Probably women in general

If you can live with this pig because you have a nice big house, that's your choice

As per my previous post, you need to tackle this in stages. You have had some good advice on this thread.
Buy in as much help as you can find. You need a house keeper and a cleaner. Outsource all the laundry.
Once you get that in place, start getting your ducks in a row.
Have a look at the relationships board to get information and advice on this.

As you say love it’s the selfishness at the back of this that hurts - he’s behaving like someone single rather than a married father of two. Sadly I think you may have some choices to make at some point, but for now just outsource what you can and enjoy the new arrival when they get here 💜

I’m with@Wanderingfree32 … find your spaces in the house (ideally a room or rooms of your own that you can keep as you want them), and leave the rest of it to the cleaner and make sure she’s well paid! My XH was a bit like this, not as extreme, but I was absolutely sick to death of tidying up after him just so there was somewhere clean and tidy to relax.

If he’s off the opinion it can be solved by money why not get a weekly cleaner? And in the weeks which your regular one is off find a replacement one who agrees to fill those weeks in.

I have a friend like this, I always think if I were a guy dating her I’d be massively put off her by her lack of consideration. I stayed with her for a couple of months as I needed to rent a room out short term. The state of the flat was miserable - dishes lying in dirty sink water for days on end. Spices and crumbs and dirty pots lining the worktop and cooker. Dirty microwave. Crumbs and stains all over the leather couch which could have easily have been cleaned. Lots of clutter everywhere. I can be pretty untidy myself but every flatmate I’ve had would tell you that aside from my bedroom which no one else has to deal with - I was always super clean and tidy. The reason is because I have respect and consideration for other people!

OP you're about to have a toddler and newborn. Chuck money at the problem before you're in the thick of it, otherwise you'll be on your knees in a few months.

Your DH obviously earns well but you have hang ups about using money to lighten the domestic load. Get more cleaner hours, a gardening service, use a laundry service for his clothes (he can bag up), tell him he is only to use his allocated bathroom. Let it all be outsourced to get through the next year.

When you have things in place to make your life easier (physically if not mentally), and you're out of the newborn phase, consider the future. If he won't change, you either accept it and carry on with your domestic help. Or you accept you can't live as his pseudo mother and start the process of separation. You could try relationship counselling and see if he has a light bulb moment.

He’s a failure.

I could have written this! Same issues here.

Our non negotiable is a cleaner once a week for two hours, and part time hours at work for me so I can keep on top of things.

Also I won't pick up the towels/socks etc - and will ask and keep asking him until he does it.

I give deadlines eg can you put that shelf up by the weekend and I set expectations clearly eg I'm going out can you do these tasks please.

It's not ideal but I've given up tbh. I'd say it has gotten better since we had kids as I've been much firmer.

Or his does his full share and has his DC half of every week 24/7.

And his DF.