Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

OP that's really unfair. Similar situation here as in husband works very long hours so he ain't here much to share the load but he encouraged me to hire a weekly cleaner and I work part time so I'm happy to take the bulk.

Does he help with your child at all? I find I don't get resentment because I have time to do the housework, he isn't messy thankfully and he does what he can when he can. Always does bath and bed time when he's home, is in charge of school runs and swimming lessons one day each week etc.

Unfortunately I don't think your DH will change. Can you get some help in, cleaner, ironing etc?

There's a huge difference between looking after yourself and a dc and another adult who refuses to do his fair share. Yes, cooking for 3 is the same as cooking for 2, and no, you don't have to do anything for him, but you do have to pick up his dirty pants off the floor if they are in the middle of the bathroom, and wipe down the side after he's made himself a sandwich, and make sure the buildings and contents is insured, and get up in the night for dd etc etc. it's all well and good him saying 'well don't do it' but I'm sure he'd not be saying that if he crashed the car and it wasn't insured, or he came down with food poisoning because he ate gone off food.

Sometimes it's learnt behaviour, other times it's selfishness, but ultimately it shows a complete lack of respect and care about the other person. If you genuinely cared and loved someone, surely you'd want to improve their lives, especially if they've told you how it's making them feel.

He needs to sort himself out. Both my marriages failed because I refused to be a house maid to some bloke. How you do that I don't know sorry. Maybe counselling and tell him does he realise how close to divorce you are.

@NewMomma21 so what do you want to do about it.

tell him you just don’t see him as an engaged and loving life partner anymore. You want couples counselling to see if this can be saved.

what would he do. Would he be shocked. Would he agree.

if he won’t agree to seek help to make you a stronger family unit. And won’t step up at home - personally I’d rather be on my own and not have an unreliable man child around.

Ban him from the main bathroom and use it with your child. Everything he leaves out - black sack up and throw it in his office and shut the door.
insist that communal areas kitchen and lounge and bedroom are kept clean and tidy - or you will divorce and show him that article.

general job - create a list he picks one you pick one eg mow the lawn and he must do them before he plays on the weekend.

I would outsource loads if I were you, if you see the outsourcing as his contribution then the little stuff might not matter. So outsource the cleaning, laundry and gardening and a day of childcare and see how you feel after that.

Well maybe this weekend away is a chance to change the conversation from "you should be doing x,y,z" to "why would I want to go away and be romantic with someone who tells me 50 times a week they have no respect for me and don't care about me"? And then wait for an answer. He could (arguably) use the whole "but I don't care about mess thing" up to a point but a) not for dangerous things like the bath water b) not for lifting heavy things for his pregnant wife and generally making her life easier c) not doing the most basic adulting to keep his wife and child's living space habitable. Be very calm and specific. Write it down. Ask him how long he expects you to tolerate a,b and c. Ask him what he thinks his life would look like if you left ? Bearing in mind you'd not be able to leave young children in his care if it's squalid and dangerous? This is well beyond "nagging" about wet towels or the dishwasher.

Hiring a cleaner won't help you to respect him or turn you on.

You'll still have the ick.

The solution isn't a cleaner and you know it.

The problem isn’t his laziness though @NewMomma21 it’s the contempt he has for you.
He can throw money at cleaners & laundry but he will still think it’s your place to be the house skivvy, making sure Billy big bollocks never has to actually parent or be a partner.

He’s happy for a 30 week pregnant woman to do heavy lifting for his benefit. That’s contempt.

He won’t even lift his hand to pull the plug in a bath or put a shit filled nappy in a bin. That’s not being blind to mess, that’s him telling you, very explicitly, that it’s your job to clean the shit he leaves behind him. Contempt.

You said yourself life was easier without him - why live in this misery & resentment forever?

None of the above has given me any satisfaction, if anything I feel sad that this is where I am, resorting to petty rebellions.

I partly agree. It's one thing not to do his washing, or dump all his rubbish/mess into a basket so he can sort out later and place it on his side of the bed but it seems very petty not to cook dinner imo. Perhaps you can meet half way and continue with the food...or was that an area of contention too?

OP your “rebellion” is an attempt to use acts where words have failed. It makes sense but your dh is unlikely to respond well—he wants to win the battle not join your team.

An excellent point.

Did he say anything about the lack of dinner?

To add, I would ask him why he expects you to clean up after him. Why he thinks he’s so much more important. Eeuggh he’s gross.

Oh OP that sounds so awful. I couldn’t live like that. It’s not just the mess, it’s the complete lack of consideration, care or respect for you. It would be ultimatum time I’m afraid. Shape up or ship out. And mean it.

You said yourself that life was easier without him. The bath thing was dangerous and the nappy thing disgusting. He sees you as lesser than him, as a slave. Is that love? I think not. Sorry OP.

I would also add that him earning a large salary is a red herring. He's not doing it for you is he? If you left he wouldn't think "oh I only need to earn X now so I'll go part time or become a retail worker instead". The high status job and prestige / travel etc is for HIM. Yes, you tangentially benefit but you're not a SAHM, you also work FT plus all the domestic stuff. If you do attempt a conversation with him, do t let him off the hook with this "but I earn £££". It's really irrelevant and does not offset his laziness.

The failure to drain the bath or dispose of the nappies would have been IT for me. The end. One is a danger to a toddler and the other is just disgustingly rude.

I realise now that he will probably never change and I feel sad for my future as it dawns on me that this is going to be my life.

It needn't be. Earlier you described how lovely it was for you and your child when he was away for a week. It could be like that 365 days a year.

He may think you can solve all problems with money, but you can't solve his attitude - he seems to think that he doesn't have to pick up after himself

He will not change. This is who and how he is. A lazy pig of a man.

The only thing that might work is to make sure his laziness has a negative impact on his life

agreed.... but how?

Start taking all his crap and piling it up in his office. Repeat until he gets the message.

Okay....... but why bother? Why spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't respect you and basically doesn't give a crap that you are on your knees and at the end of your rope?

You are weeks away from giving birth to his child - and he simply doesn't care!!!

my husband was like this until i got ill. He’s had to step up and he’s brilliant. It’s a shame i had to be ill for him to do it. Do you think you need to remove yourself and leave things to your husband for a couple of days?

Start taking all his crap and piling it up in his office. Repeat until he gets the message.

My mum was/is a neat freak. Probably ocd. As a consequence I associate all cleaning with suffering and stress. And I struggle to be around her for very long indoors.

I can see mess if I switch on awareness but not typically.