Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

Genius.

I would guess if OP went away alone, her husband would look after their child but she would return to an absolute shithole. No washing done. Plates everywhere. Crumbs and sauce split on the tops. Bath water splashed all across the bathroom and the towel on the floor. Toys all over the place. Because his logic is he doesn't mind mess, so if OP does, it's on her to deal with it.
In a way it sounds more difficult than the man who expects to be waited on hand and foot by his wife because the solution there is to withdraw everything you do for him.This one just seems to want to live the exact life he wants and prioritise only the things he thinks are important while still somehow being married with children.

I can understand it because I'm of the age where I witnessed it at home when I was a child.

But my father didn't treat my mother with contempt. He cleared up after himself, he washed up after dinner and sometimes prepared the veg before Sunday lunch (then he went to the pub!)
They both gardened.

But that was the way it was then, mum didn't want or need to work and my dad loved her to bits

I do know of others where the wives did everything but they accepted their lot 🙁

Can you go on the night away alone? Leave him to look after your child? I'd tell him why you don't want to go with him too and that you also need a break.

I was (note 'was') married to someone a bit like this. I tried to improve things with a certain amount of sarcasm - so I'd leave his towel on the floor and go downstairs and say 'oh your towel's self hanging mechanism seems to have broken, could you go and have a look at it?' every time til he got the message. It is exhausting though.

Get him to watch this and see if it rings true

He needs to understand that even if he doesn't care about mess, a basic level of picking stuff up is just about respect. And I say this as a thoroughly messy person myself who has had to train myself to be better at pttting stuff away

Tell him you find it deeply unattractive that he's so lazy and he obviously wants you to be a surrogate mother to him. Urgh.

Really, sadly, there is no choice: either a live in maid/housekeeper or divorce. This person is just the shittiest husband I’ve heard of. My DH was working so much when I was pregnant with my second that we had to hire someone to help me with our toddler and to drive me to medical appointments. But every second he was home he was looking after me and the toddler. He would never have eaten all the food of napped instead I f taking care of us.

That would be quite a powerful visual.

Get a pile of post it notes and write on each one "Fuck you NewMomma, you're my slave, you sort this" walk round the house and stick it on every cup he leaves out, the clothes on the floor, his dirty bathroom, the overflowing bin, the dirty nappy on the side, the messy office etc and continue to do this.

Explain that is what he is saying to you every time he leaves his stink and mess for you to clean up.

Don't say any more, just continue to do it.

Because that's what he IS saying to you with this behaviour, so remind him and yourself of this and don't pick up after him, just shove a post it note on the thing he's left with "Fuck you NewMomma, you're my slave, you sort this" and leave it for guests and his mother and everyone to see. If he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, this won't change his actions but maybe it will give you a visual clue to his utter contempt of you and the message he's sending to your DC.

He won't change, only you can decide if you are willing to put up with this or not. If you aren't then divorce him.

I know couples where one of them, usually the woman, does everything while the other one earns. I just don't get it, it' not a partnership.

You can buy in help or you can live separately.

He won't change.

I am going to reiterate what I said before.
Buy in all the help you need, outsource whatever you can outsource.
Use the time you have freed up to rest, prepare for new baby, get all the support you can for birth and afterwards.
When you feel able, get your ducks in a row and get legal advice.
Just ignore him as much as possible.
He won't change.
You need to make sure you have copies of every single piece of finance related/employment related/pension related paperwork. Shares, investments, property. Put everything together safely before you see a solicitor.
Don't give him the opportunity to hide everything.

So OP, when you spoke to him about this last week, he said he would "help" during his annual leave. Say he gets 6 weeks AL a year, that's just over 10% of the year. Even if he planned on using his entire AL allowance in doing stuff around the house, it is still nowhere near what is needed in order to keep a household running.

I would cancel the night away because I don't know how you can even look at him without being disgusted. And tell him why. And also issue him with an ultimatum - I have tried time and time again to speak with you about this. You disrespect me, you are selfish, and I have had enough. Either you do a complete 180 and you change or else I am filing for divorce. No more second chances. Although the eating all the bread and cheese and leaving none for DC's lunch followed by a nap would be the final straw if it were me.

I would actually just consider asking him to move in with his mother for a while, trial a separation. See how that works for you.

100% this.

I do t think it is our job to 'raise' men. They either bring it or they don't. If are selfish and bone idle you either decide to live with it or not. They will not change for more than a couple of weeks.

More work for OP.

This is beyond lists or begging or paying people to compensate for his laziness. It’s down to whether he wants this relationship to work.

They need couples’ counselling and a fundamental shift in his attitude or it’s over.

In your situation I would just say “I’m cancelling our weekend away. Your behaviour is killing this relationship and I don’t want to spend time with you right now.”

^^

The mess and chaos is one thing but the underlying message is that you are not important enough to him to make him want to change.
That is so hurtful, and breeds resentment which uses up your mental, physical and emotional energy. You must be running on empty by now.
As money seems to be available, I think I would…..

1. Make a list of cleaners, gardeners, ironers, on line grocery shopping places that YOU feel comfortable with.
2. Give him the list and the responsibility to organise as much help as you can.
3. Try to lighten up with your responses to your resentment. The extra help is a means to an end which will ease the pressure a bit for a while.
4. Try to enjoy doing small things with your little one - it can be a time to relax if you can.
5. Give yourself a sort of timeline - I can manage like this, with 2 very small children and lots of help for a year.
6. If you still feel the same then, it’s time to consider separation.

He's very selfish.

When you come home to rubbish, for example, have you taken him to it and stood over him while he puts it in the bin and then when he takes the bin out? That's what I do with my small DC, and I think that's the only way to treat this behaviour. Same when he packs the dishwasher so it doesn't clean. Make him re-do it. He needs to learn if he's going to pretend he "doesn't see it" or "can't do it right".

This may well kill your marriage, but his behaviour is going to kill it otherwise. Compromise where you can, but don't do it yourself no matter what.

He is not a generous person at all. He is incredibly selfish.

I would insist on counselling. I would also get my ducks in a row. If he does not change he is going to kill your marriage so you may as well be as prepared as possible for that.

Sorry OP but you and your DC deserve better. He neglects both you and them by failing to provide the basic necessities in life - a clean home, engaged partner and father and appropriate diet.

That behaviour during your pregnancy is awful. He wouldn't even prioritise you when you were about to give birth to his first child. Selfish, selfish man.

That really is quite telling OP. He has definitely falling into a pattern of very selfish behaviour. I would invite parents to stay again just so you have someone there for you and DC1 early days.

Im torn between thinking it is contempt for me and a subconscious expectation that I do everything and he genuinely doesn’t care if he lives in filth and mess. If the house was a tip with piled high dishes, unhoovered floors, things everywhere he genuinely would not care. But then I feel because it matters to me it should matter to him.

He probably doesn't care if the floors are unhoovered and there's rubbish all over. If he were a single man with no kids and living alone then he would be fine to do as he pleases. He's chosen to get married and have children though, so he is no longer the centre of eveything. It sounds like you could cope with him doing less than 50% of everything and outsource some of the cleaning. All you're really asking is for him to pick up after himself, which is very little really. Taking an extra couple of seconds to put rubbish in the bin or dirty clothes in the hamper is the bare minimum a partner should be doing to contribute to the household.

That's one thing with adults, but it's not a sustainable approach with small children around. Because they need a minimum amount of cleaning and tidying done in order to be safe. Which means it's a twat move for one parent to unilaterally opt out of it.