Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

And he clearly doesn't give a shit that it bothers you.

This is what people like this fail to understand. Sure, there's some people who are complete neat freaks (my mum is one) who expect their unrealistic expectations to be upheld by everyone. But it's not unrealistic to wipe up spills or replace used toilet rolls. It's not unrealistic that daily chores are shared equally between able persons in the household. And it's disrespectful and thoughtless to just not do it with the explanation that you 'don't see/don't care' about mess.

I don't think he'll change. But that doesn't mean you can't.

He said he couldn’t change my mind if separation was my preference
Good grief! He has now said it out loud hasn't he. He doesn't care enough to fight for you.

and that marriages don’t end over things like hoovering.
Yes they do. Time and time again as it's usually the last straw. Do you have the link to the dishwasher/divorce link handy, if so send it him. But honestly, i think it's over as he won't change and I don't think you can unsee what is happening.

I am so sorry OP, it really is a horrible feeling

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288/amp

I would usually suggest asking him to read this but fuck me, he really is an arrogant prick isn't he? What a disappointing reaction from him, I'm gutted for you OP.

He's telling you he's not going to change, he will mitigate using the absolute minimum effort he can possibly give, and resent you for doing so.

I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone like that.

I’m frustrated just reading your update. Im so sorry that even when you’ve spoken he’s still doubled down. Surely once you’ve stated that these things matter so much to you then it should matter to him, regardless of how trivial it is to him?

In response to “marriages don’t end over hoovering” I’d probably have clapped back, well this one does. If it’s a simple as picking up a hoover in his eyes then why can he not even do that - saying divorce is your preference seems mightily unfair by someone who acknowledges they basically aren’t willing to fight for the relationship or make any compromises anyway? I really don’t know how you move forward if he won’t take on any responsibility or acknowledge any issue between you. Not simply outsourcing the work, I mean the lack of understanding and respect.

He’s just on a different planet. The idea that contributing to his marriage can only be happen on annual leave.

I wish I could be more encouraging but I really don’t see any way forward with this level of casual, clueless entitlement.

He really is an arrogant shit, isn’t he? 😔

If he doesn't have any personality disorder then I suggest marriage counselling as a safe space to raise this

OP take heart—even though nobody can give you any magic words to open his eyes you have learned a lot on this thread. Your eyes have been opened and you can see that you have choices to make. One of those choices is no longer begging/pleading/nagging so thats actually a big saving of time and effort. You can decide to keep him like an expensive pet or a valued paying customer at a fancy hotel. Or you can dump him. But at least you no longer have to doubt yourself.

Is he on your team?
Does he care about your well being?
Does he respect you?
If the answer is no then I don't think you really have a relationship to build on.

If you want to stay with him, I would insist on separate bedrooms and bathrooms for the two of you.

I would stop doing his laundry, he can do it himself or make the arrangements to contract it out.

I would buy in support for as much of the housework as possible, daily help I think, and also buy in childcare so that you can have a decent amount of you time.

I'd also ask him to fetch and carry for you whilst you are pregnant and then continue with this.
Eg do not make your own cups of tea, do not go and get things from another room, ask for foot rubs, and generally offload mini tasks onto him as often as possible. Act like a Princess with staff and not like his mother.

Go out and have fun together then have a lie in the next morning, put a loud alarm outside his room. If he doesn't get up take your child into his bed. If that still doesn't work then you need to go out yourself and leave him in charge of your child. Book a series of regular nights and weekends at a spa with a friend or relative and leave him in charge.

Cultivate a fun out of the house hobby and do it weekly.

Good luck OP.

Hell
I would tell him one more time that you find all this unattractive.
Either leave him or start paying for more help. Pay someone to do YOUR ironing- not his. Up the amount of times the cleaner comes, pay for on line shopping and make sure it comes out of joint funds.
Personally, I could not live with anyone like this, I’d rather be a single parent. It’s just so disrespectful.It sets a terrible example to your dc.
I am of the opinion that living with someone only works if you both have very similar values and outlook in life. Tidy people should only live with other tidy people. If you always make a drink for your partner then you really need someone who makes drinks for you. If you make a fuss about your partners birthday then you are better with someone who makes a fuss about your birthday.

I am incredibly untidy (DH is not). The levels of mess and contempt your H shows are awful.

The OP has already stated that she's asked repeatedly for him to help. His response is to tell her to pay for someone to pick up his slack. No counselling, no shouting or arguing is going to make this guy change. This is who he is.

OP either lumps it for the rest of her life, or she kicks him into the ether and takes on raising 2 kids by herself. Neither of which are remotely what she signed up for. She just wanted an equal, a partner. And he's anything but. Given she's heavily pregnant, I'd imagine that this all feels a bit shit

7% seem to think so....🙄

I am up during the night with DC while you get a full nights sleep every night .
Tell him, not ask, that one day every weekend is when he does night duty AND you have a lie in. He needs to feel what you feel as he won't understand how bone achingly tiredness this is.

He came home on Friday night, helped himself to all the bread and cheese in the house leaving nothing for DC lunch the following day.
Tell him he can not do this again. Tell him he is taking food out of his child's mouth.

I then came home to find him sound asleep on Saturday afternoon, having done absolutely nothing around the house.
So despite saying he would help more...this was his answer?

Yep. Actions are louder than words and his actions are screaming FUCK YOU!!! My DH has been the same for the past thirty years, its soul destroying.

My Dad was like this and as a child and teen I watched my mum run herself into the ground cleaning. She worked FT too.

As soon as I was old enough I mucked in while my brother sat about and did nothing.

My parents divorced years ago and my dad lives in squalor now, he doesn't even have hot water or central heating. The house is a disgrace with dirt and damp. It needs professional cleaners.

When my Mum left I took over his laundry (had to bring it home as the washing machine broke) and shopping plus a bit of cleaning, changing bedding etc.
Then I moved abroad.

Now his sister does it all and she's 80 odd!

When I go back to visit I can't stay there as it's so cold, damp and dirty. I can't even have a cup tea without scrubbing the cup and spoon first.

I love my dad very much but he just doesn't see mess and doesn't care.

Just joined thread. He doesn't need to be perfect but if he's creating extra work instead of at least cleaning up after himself then that is really unreasonable.

Dirty nappies left out? That is just unacceptably unhygenic. Flies can come in and land on them, and spread the germs around the place. There is no excuse for that.

The filled bath sounds like a drowning risk and a way to make the place mouldy.

I have found that it's much easier to wash and dry DH's clothes in a separate wash from the rest of the family. He has loads so they can build up in wash basket without him running out and I can focus on the rest of the family (DC tend to have fewer as they grow out of clothes so quickly, so theirs need washing more often too). It makes putting it away simpler. I would definitely separate DH's and either explain they're separate from now on or that he can do them and you'll show him how. It's heavy lifting which you just don't need.

I'd be tempted to tell him to go and live at his Mum's if he can't keep the place clean, to stop creating work. Tell him you want him here, but without the trail of mess behind him.

He won't change unless he wants to

And he currently doesn't want to. Actions speak louder than words

So, you have a difficult decision to make. As I see it, your choices are stark - (1) carry on as you are or (2) consider moving on from thus relationship

Don't give ultimatums eg "tidy up X or I'll leave" unless you mean it

But, a conversation along these lines might be helpful "I have been very happy with you in the past, but I'm finding this way of life hard. I feel like a maid. It's making me miserable. I'm starting to wonder if this is the beginning of the end. Perhaps we're not as well suited as we thought. I'm not sure I want to carry on like this. I am thinking we might be better apart". And then see what happens. If he continues as he is, then you know he won't ever change. If he really doesn't want to lose you, he may up his game, but you'd need to be vigilant it's not just temporary to pacify you

But if he won't go to counselling I would definitely do what @StopMindlesslyScrolling says. Genius.

We did couples counselling. Was the best idea for us because we had reached a point where we had said things to each other so many times we just weren't hearing it anymore.

Having a third party (together and separately) talk to us about how we communicate and the no1 thing- what we value most of all (answer: each other! ) made us make changes. Because my husband matters to me. I matter to him. His happiness matters to me and mine matters to him. Much more than (insert petty thing like not putting dishwasher in machine). It doesn't matter than we are not bothered by the same things. Our marriage was salvageable because we matter to each other more than being lazy. Our feelings are valid.

But we definitely needed reminding. And we probably will again some day.

He is modelling really bad relationships and behaviour to your children

I have no idea whether you can persuade him to change and I totally agree that he is showing you little respect or consideration,
I am not tidy by nature but I have learnt to be - its part and parcel of growing up into a fully formed adult.
The eye opener for me was when DH went away for a few days and when I came to tidy round before he came home there was something of mine that I'd left lying around in every single room (or on every surface), before that I'd thought he was as bad as me but it did make me realise just how much mess I can create just by not picking up after myself or putting things in the right place to start with.
It might be worth you staying with your parents for a week for a break, some sleep and for him to realise what you do but realistically it might no make any difference, good luck OP

Does he care about food or clean clothes because he wouldn't have either if I were you?