Page 10 | Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

NewMomma21 · 2023-07-23T19:14:44+00:00

Looking for advice. Married to DH for 4 years. We have an 18 month old and I’m almost 30 weeks pregnant. DH has a stressful job; he earns a very good salary and works long hours and travels abroad frequently. He is a good provider and great fun socially. I would have considered myself happily married but recently I am becoming increasingly resentful of DH. Although he provides financially he does nothing to keep the house running. He doesn’t ever put a wash on. He lets the bins run to overflowing. He does absolutely no cleaning or cooking and frequently will leave a mess behind him whenever he is in the house. Often leaves clothes/towels on the floor. I have to ask multiple, multiple times over the course of days to do things I am physically unable to do (for example lifting heavy loads of washing, emptying bins, quick tidy of the garden). I am left to do everything around the house. Although I work FT I am off for the summer, it doesn’t matter if I’m in work or not he still contributes nothing. On the weekends he often plays golf for one day. On the days he is home and off when LO naps he more or often than not gets into bed for two hours for a nap or scroll on his phone. This is time during the day I use to do a tidy, load of washing, hoover etc. Recently he was away for over a week (longest trip since covid) and it was just me and LO. Life was much easier. There was no mess to clean up. The house was clean and tidy. No picking up his clothes and litter. I found the extent to which it was easier shocking. I have tried so many times to ask him for help. Begged. Nagged. Gotten angry, gotten upset. Nothing ever gets through to him. He just doesn’t seem to care. I feel increasingly like I am mother to a toddler and messy, selfish teenager. Has anyone any advice? I don’t know how else to get through to him YABU- he contributes financially and he is unlikely to ever change YANBU- he needs to start pulling his weight

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 21:00

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 20:34

His DM idolises him, she would probably consider me to be quite over the top. Maybe I am but I don’t think it’s much to ask to put the clothes in the laundry basket and dishes in the dishwasher. If he drops food/toothpaste whatever on the floor he doesn’t wipe it up. He will leave it there. If he uses the toilet roll he never bothers to go to the cupboard to replace it. They are seemingly small things in isolation but when it’s all the time it’s just so demoralising.

In relation to a cleaner. We have one that comes bi weekly for a couple of hours but she has taken a number of weeks off as she does every summer.

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Is he used to hotels?

Does he think you're the maid?

Summering23 · 23/07/2023 20:57

I sympathise as my DH is very similar. I should have realised this is how he would be as his flat when I met him was revolting. His family all have filthy houses too so it’s normal to him. My kids are starting to take after him now which is the worst part. He doesn’t back me up when I tell them to pick up after myself and just tells me to “chill” 🙄

Misspinkdiditinthelibrary · 23/07/2023 20:53

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

So you can't say you weren't warned OP.

I had a specimen like this and I can tell you they don't change. I divorced him and never had kids with him.

I would increase your cleaning lady's hours as soon as you can.

Stop doing any domestic work for him (no washing, ironing, cleaning) and if he complains ask him if his arms are broken ?

I have no other suggestion apart from leaving - sorry.

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 20:53

Diminishingreturns99 · 23/07/2023 20:44

This sounds awful op. Sorry you are experiencing this.

This is much more than failing to engage in household tasks. With you having an 18 month old and being 30 weeks pregnant you are right in the trenches of parenthood and it will get even more demanding when your dc2 is born.

How dare he go for a two hour nap and leave his heavily pregnant wife picking up after him? That’s unbelievably selfish and bordering on cruel. How can he live with himself having to be told to pick up heavy stuff for you?

Honestly, I’m sorry to say this when you are obviously vulnerable atm, but I just would not be able to tolerate that behaviour. Or the lack of basic decency and kindness. My dh has a “big” job and travels a lot but still does more than his share when he gets home. He does make a lot of mess too but he does loads of other stuff to contribute.

Is this the sort of relationship you want in the future? Is this the role model you want for your dc? Does his father behave like this?

Next time he is back I would walk out and leave him to look after the 18 month old by himself if safe to do so. And then take discussions from there.

Thanks for the supportive message. I do feel like I’m not going crazy reading the replies.

I have explained that I want LO to grow up in house that has some order and I am aghast at the example of the mother doing everything we are giving him. He frankly doesn’t care because he does not value order and tidiness.

I have explained I carry the load and burden of running the house and it’s not fair. I have told him just this week I cannot tolerate this behaviour anymore and today I came home from a 2 hr trip to a shopping centre to find him unapologetically in bed while LO napped with once again the promise of “help” while on annual leave while the laundry is piled high, food on the floor etc.

OP posts:

Diminishingreturns99 · 23/07/2023 20:48

Crikey I can’t believe some people are blaming his mother? Why is it always a woman who is at fault? Why not blame his father for that matter?

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 20:45

4weeknoalcohol · 23/07/2023 20:39

Do you have a bathroom you can allocate just for yourself? I live with all males. I have my own bathroom. I just stopped cleaning my sons rooms and bathrooms and left them for weeks and they soon learnt that it’s easier to keep on top of it rather than leave it. My husband has always been really good though as we both lived on our own or in house shares until our thirties. Did he come straight from his Mums to living with you?

He has a bathroom that he uses for showering and shaving. I don’t generally go in. But he does use our en suite leaving toothpaste everywhere and not replacing the toilet roll. He will bath our LO in the main bathroom- he never tidies away the toys and frequently won’t even bother to empty the bath water would leave it sit for days without any thought.

He lived with friends before me who did tell me he was extremely untidy and one did say inconsiderate to others he lives with.

He’s so good in other ways but the constant mess everywhere he goes is really becoming oppressive and I’m not sure as others have suggested that this is a trait that is ever likely to change.

OP posts:

Diminishingreturns99 · 23/07/2023 20:44

This sounds awful op. Sorry you are experiencing this.

This is much more than failing to engage in household tasks. With you having an 18 month old and being 30 weeks pregnant you are right in the trenches of parenthood and it will get even more demanding when your dc2 is born.

How dare he go for a two hour nap and leave his heavily pregnant wife picking up after him? That’s unbelievably selfish and bordering on cruel. How can he live with himself having to be told to pick up heavy stuff for you?

Honestly, I’m sorry to say this when you are obviously vulnerable atm, but I just would not be able to tolerate that behaviour. Or the lack of basic decency and kindness. My dh has a “big” job and travels a lot but still does more than his share when he gets home. He does make a lot of mess too but he does loads of other stuff to contribute.

Is this the sort of relationship you want in the future? Is this the role model you want for your dc? Does his father behave like this?

Next time he is back I would walk out and leave him to look after the 18 month old by himself if safe to do so. And then take discussions from there.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2023 20:43

Anyway point is I don't think it's objectively bad to refuse to spend time on housework, but it IS objectively bad to expect someone else to do it and know you're making them upset.

I agree. It’s the same as ‘doesn’t see mess’ - anyone can learn. It’s the not prioritising someone else’s feelings on it that’s the issue.

ForestGoblin · 23/07/2023 20:41

(but in his shoes I'd have to leave cos I am constitutionally and psychologically incapable of being tidy)

ForestGoblin · 23/07/2023 20:39

toomuchlaundry · 23/07/2023 20:31

@ForestGoblin do you not pick up litter, wash clothes, cook?

I like cooking so I don't think that counts. Husband does the washing up and hanging out the clothes. We do take the bin out obvs but there are.piles of chaos that need sorting. I hoover maybe once a month. Dust less than that. We don't own an iron. My mum would go nuts in this level of mess. I think maybe my way of life is a reaction to her constantly being on at our feet with the dyson when I was a kid.

Anyway point is I don't think it's objectively bad to refuse to spend time on housework, but it IS objectively bad to expect someone else to do it and know you're making them upset.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2023 20:39

He doesn’t care about mess or untidiness

Ask him if he cares about you, and your feelings?

4weeknoalcohol · 23/07/2023 20:39

Do you have a bathroom you can allocate just for yourself? I live with all males. I have my own bathroom. I just stopped cleaning my sons rooms and bathrooms and left them for weeks and they soon learnt that it’s easier to keep on top of it rather than leave it. My husband has always been really good though as we both lived on our own or in house shares until our thirties. Did he come straight from his Mums to living with you?

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 20:37

FayCarew · 23/07/2023 20:28

I have tried so many times to ask him for help.
Try asking him to pull his weight not help.

Sorry I should clarify I have explained numerous times to him I am not his cleaner or mother and I am not asking him for help and I am asking him to do his fair share. It just all seems to fall on deaf ears. He doesn’t care about mess or untidiness

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NoSquirrels · 23/07/2023 20:35

Have you seen this article?
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I’d send it to him.

Every time he leaves a mess he’s saying ‘Not my problem, I’ll leave this for @NewMomma21 to sort out.’ It’s a giant Fuck You because he doesn’t respect you.

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 20:34

Dillydollydingdong · 23/07/2023 20:26

It's so difficult with a lazy man like this. Obviously his DM didn't do her job. Can't you go away for a few days and leave him to it? If the place is a mess when you get back, tell him to get cleaners in.

His DM idolises him, she would probably consider me to be quite over the top. Maybe I am but I don’t think it’s much to ask to put the clothes in the laundry basket and dishes in the dishwasher. If he drops food/toothpaste whatever on the floor he doesn’t wipe it up. He will leave it there. If he uses the toilet roll he never bothers to go to the cupboard to replace it. They are seemingly small things in isolation but when it’s all the time it’s just so demoralising.

In relation to a cleaner. We have one that comes bi weekly for a couple of hours but she has taken a number of weeks off as she does every summer.

OP posts:

MillWood85 · 23/07/2023 20:33

He does it because he knows he can. You'll argue, shout, maybe get cross or even cry. But then you just get on and do it because he knows that you'll crack before he does.

He's got absolutely no respect for you at all, you've just let yourself become the house maid. And I'm sorry to say that he's not going to change. You have to decide whether or not you're prepared to spend the rest of your life picking up his shit because like it or not, that's all he sees you as good for.

Catusrusty · 23/07/2023 20:33

He sees you as his skivvy, as less than him.

Everytime he sees dirty clothes or an overflowing bin, his thought process is - I cba, newmomma can do it because she isn't as important as me.

Nobody who loves you would treat you with so very little respect.

You've got two choices, you can carry on being his bang maid and substitute mum getting more and more resentful or you can leave

He won't change. Why would he?

Noicant · 23/07/2023 20:32

He’s treating you like you are the house elf. Dh travels for work, long flights as well, he’ll still take the bins out when he gets home because he’s not a bloody child, why is he leaving wet towels on the floor!? Dh is a very good earner, doesn’t stop him from loading the dishwasher. Also if you are pregnant he should have a natural instinct for making sure you are ok.

Earning a lot of money does not exempt you from caring for your own home or family.

toomuchlaundry · 23/07/2023 20:31

@ForestGoblin do you not pick up litter, wash clothes, cook?

4weeknoalcohol · 23/07/2023 20:30

If he’s loaded get a cleaner. I fear some people just don’t see mess.

BibbleandSqwauk · 23/07/2023 20:30

@Dillydollydingdong it's not his mother's fault! He's an adult. My mum waited on me and my sis despite working full time and I'm ashamed to say we let her. At uni and then after, I learned pretty quick what needs doing if you don't want to live in a chaotic mess. The op can organise things so her clothes are washed. She can pile up his rubbish in bags on top of his side of the bed so the impact of his mess is only inflicted on him. But if he is a father and she isn't a SAHM he's a lazy selfish arsehole to let her do it all.

FayCarew · 23/07/2023 20:28

I have tried so many times to ask him for help.
Try asking him to pull his weight not help.

Dillydollydingdong · 23/07/2023 20:26

It's so difficult with a lazy man like this. Obviously his DM didn't do her job. Can't you go away for a few days and leave him to it? If the place is a mess when you get back, tell him to get cleaners in.

Original poster

NewMomma21 · 23/07/2023 20:26

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2023 20:19

No one here will tell you you’re unreasonable.

Why doesn’t he care? What does he say?

When I try to speak to him he just says stop giving out to me.

He is taking a longer than usual annual leave and for the last couple of weeks when I say anything he says I’ll help more on my annual leave. That just leaves me more infuriated, I don’t get to have annual leave from household duties.

I knew when I met him he was messy but I just feel he has spiralled into outright laziness in recent months. Sometimes I think he thinks because he brings in the good salary it justifies doing practically nothing around the house.

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BibbleandSqwauk · 23/07/2023 20:26

Ok so what does he actually say when you ask him? Does he say yes but then not do it? Does he tell you to stop nagging or that it doesn't matter?
I agree with pp to stop doing his stuff. Leave the clothes on the floor, the rubbish etc.