Will DH ever change? How can I get through to him?

Tell him marriages do end over a bit of hoovering. It isn’t just the hoovering though it is the laziness and disrespect. The fact he would put you in danger of slipping on his dropped food when you are pregnant.

This is a person who doesn’t understand consequences
Doesn’t he understand that if you slipped on his crap you could lose the baby

This is a person who doesn’t care

What is he going to do on his annual leave?

When is his annual leave?

Are the food, the towels, his clothes etc going to remain where he dropped them till his annual leave.

I would get rid now. You don’t want the stress of a new born and trying to get him to clean up after himself

Life is so much easier without having to run around tidying up after someone who couldn’t give a toss about you

I always thought it was me who couldn’t keep on top of housework, even when we didn’t have children.

Then exh got a job that took him away 3 weeks in every 4.

Suddenly my house was tidy and clean. Dc were in a routine. Life was so much better. Then he returned for a week and chaos descended
Till he went away again.

These people never change and just get worse with age.

I tried this with my ex and the stench from the bathroom was too much.
The piss on the floor and streak marks in the toilet, the inch deep cake of toothpaste round the basin.

Believe me when I tell you these type of people never change and living in filth doesn’t bother them.

No, he isn't likely to change, unfortunately. He's showing you who he is, and that is a man who sees you as less than him, expects to be served by you, and is happy for you to have a worse life that he does.

That isn't how someone acts when they love you.

Oh OP. He sounds so much like my dh - that utterly rigid inflexible thinking - “if it’s not a problem for me it’s not a problem” combined with the fact the thinking doesn’t correspond with reality (in your case, the fiction that you can just outsource all this stuff). It’s awful, and it doesn’t get better, I can tell you that much.

honestly in your shoes I would get a nanny housekeeper to come every day. This will get way way worse when you have a baby and a toddler - the first year is the absolute worst even at the best of times iyswim. Just hire someone now so your life isn’t utterly dreadful and then you can make more considered decisions when you are out of the baby stage with no 2 - heavily pregnant is not the time to be adding marital breakdown to your to do list.

His friends (who are a lovely bunch) and their opinion of him are a considerable priority to him.

This is pretty sad. His friends' opinions of him are more of a priority than your opinion of him. he is more likely to put away a dirty nappy because his buddy from university would think less of him if he didn't than if his wife would think less of him. There is a lot to unpick with your husband, OP. You should be his ultimate priority - not in a roll over and do whatever you want way but if you express a concern or distress then this should really really matter to him. I'm married 30 years. I couldn't have gone through one year of marriage if I didn't think that I was the most important person in the world to dh (and vice versa of course). The one whose opinion he cared most about. The one he wanted to help the most.

OP, I've learned over my life that people take you at your own valuation. Value yourself properly.

Marriages most certainly fall apart over completely failure to pull weight particularly when this is minimised to “a bit of hoovering”.

Marriages might not end over "a bit of hoovering". But families start to fall apart if people leave towels on the floor and then another member of the family slips on them and ends up in A&E. Or they slip on the food on the floor. Would he want to explain those accidents away to the doctors? It surely would flag him up as a safeguarding risk and be put on his children's medical records.

Food on the floor also attracts mice and ants (which he really doesn't want) - surely he can see that?

OP I am sorry this is such a tough time. I can’t believe he’s not being supportive while you’re pregnant. This is not acceptable at all.
I just read your update about how he apologised about handling the conversation badly which gives me a small amount of hope that he may be open to changing.
if you do want to save your marriage and think that there is still something in it, I’d suggested like others that counselling is key.
however what you could start with, for a softer start I’d say to him that if he is serious about improving your partnership is to read Fair Play with you by Eve Rodsky. It brings up a lot of the things you discuss and may help him see the bigger picture.
This book is not going to magically solve anything if he’s not open and willing to change his mindset radically though. It sounds like there’s a lot of hurt and resentment on your side, rightly so. And sometimes it’s best for that all to come out in a safe space like a counselling situation otherwise it just simmers and causes more issues.
my story which is a bit different, but I took on way too much during my first maternity leave and was also a micro manager when it came to the baby and the housework. Husband isn’t that messy (about the same as me) and he is very considerate but there were lots of things he didn’t think about like the wash needing to go on, prep the house for the cleaner, what stuff does baby need for nappy bag, what’s the sleep schedule etc. Part of this was me being too controlling so he lost confidence and just let me lead the way. mental load was off the charts for me. I was also house hunting and then sorting a house move and I basically nearly had a breakdown because of all the stress. I discovered Fair Play book and we had a lot of honest and hard conversations where I realised I wasn’t letting go of enough and therefore he wasn’t able to take things off my plate. it was a lot of trial and error (still is) but these days I never do the washing, I rarely do our toddlers meals, the kids bedrooms are prepped for bedtime by him most nights, the list goes on. I just had a second baby and for my second pregnancy I barely lifted a finger because he could see how much I was struggling with the fatigue. He was on top of everything. Night and day compared to those first few months of my first maternity leave. To start with though he’s always been respectful, able to listen to my concerns and does everything he can for us to be in a harmonious relationship. For us it was about changing how we work together and for me to let go and trust him more and communicate better but also for him to step up and take charge of certain things.

Sorry for the long post but in summary I suggest

• focus on your new baby when they arrive for now and get as much extra help as you can for those first few weeks
• before the baby arrives ask him to read fair play and also have a chat about expectations and support needed when the baby is a newborn
• Get some counselling if you can to work through these issues once you’re through the first few weeks with the baby, or maybe before the baby arrives
• set a time limit in your own head for when you’ll make a final decision about your marriage if things don’t change radically. Don’t spend the next few years being unhappy. But definitely give things a shot if you think there’s something worth saving

Will DH ever change? No.

How do I get through to him? You can't; he likes things the way they are.

Sorry, OP, but I had one of these. I spent years thinking that if I could just explain things properly, he'd see how unfair they were. And I'm an English teacher; words are my thing.

He wasn't interested in changing, because he liked being selfish and being waited on. He was perfectly happy to see me run myself ragged whilst he barely lifted his arse off the sofa at the weekend and watched sport compulsively. He used to use the "if you don't want to do it, don't do it" approach, which taken to its logical conclusion would have meant living in squalor with no clean clothes, no clean dishes, and no food in the house.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but he's an XH for a reason. The only way your DH will change is if he wants to change. In my experience, men don't.

If his friends' opinions are so important to him - shame him in front of them. Whether that's leaving all his mess when you know they're coming round and say in front of them that you have put all of yours and DC's mess away, or whether it's asking them in front of him what do they do to share the load at home and - repeat loudly their comments "you empty the bins? I wish DH would do that! You don't expect your dirty socks to walk from beside the sofa into the washing machine, dry themselves and put themselves away? Fancy that! I guess you realised quicker than DH that the laundry fairy doesn't exist". Or just sad - "I hope DH is hearing how much you all love and respect your partners by sharing the load of running a house and family."

It is so horrible that you even have to think of doing something like this though.

Ok so his job going forward is sorting out and sending all the laundry to a laundry service and paying for it.

He will soon learn what a faff it is.

Can you take your toddler and go and stay at your parents for a bit. Tell him you need to think about whether you can carry on in a relationship where your needs are so minimised and he is gaslighting you into thinking you're a nag.

Or get him to go and stay with his mother if that isn't possible.

You need some time apart to think about how you go forward before no.2 is born.

If you go to your parents, if/when you go back, tell him the condition for you returning is that the house is spotless and spell out what that means

• everything put away
• all surfaces gleaming
• new loo rolls
• empty bins
• no washing anywhere
• etc

If you are feeling kind and as though it will be understood, I would also say

You are welcome to get a laundry service for your clothes. I will not be touching them. That means you have to bag them up, itemise them, take them to the service, collect them and put them away. I will not get involved.

Same with any other services.

The other suggestion I have is to collect all his stuff as he leaves it around, clothes, rubbish, empty pots and put it all in a bin bag on his side of the bed every day. He leaves a spill and you can't bear it - wipe it with kitchen roll and that goes in there too. His phone charger, his expensive ties, his shoes left by the door, all in there with the half empty crisp wrapper and the half drunk coffee. Just make sure there are no holes in the bin bag.

Honestly, change won't happen without a massive shock to his system. And once you've done it, you have to be brutal. You will never be able to help him out, just once, because it will become your responsibility again.

It is depressing and frustrating that you even have to have these conversations. I am not saying leave, but you do need to say how much easier it was when he wasn't there and how much you enjoyed your house when he didn't leave you an endless trail of stuff to tidy up.

Good luck OP, I really feel for you. My OH isn't great at a lot of things, but he does pull his weight around the house. It would be a deal breaker for me if he didn't.

Is he open to the idea of relationship counselling? I can see your point if his Mum has been facilitating him slacking off for years that's a factor. However, you should expect a bit more of an effort than a half arsed e-mail/phone call apology from the office after the fact.

He's obviously confused in a friend at work and they've talked some sense into him. Hopefully he has an adjustment to his attitude now :)

This is very wise advise OP.

I will say this though. If you decide you've had enough don't do it until your maternity ends and you are back at work.

Use the money he is offering to pay for cleaners, gardeners etc while you heal from the pregnancy/birth. Use it to get the house perfect for selling. And if you still feel you can't cope then at least you will be in a better place physically, emotionally and mentally. Look after yourself. He won't.

He has been in touch today from the office today with an apology for how he handled the conversation and for not doing enough and recognising that only contributing during AL is inadequate. I can’t understand why he couldn’t have just said that last night, he was so indifferent to my obvious distress.

Oh no...hes sucking you back in. I really hope he starts putting actions to those words. Honestly. I would love a happy ending for a change.

However be aware of the cycle of abuse. They keep piling the disrespect on, won't accept any of the blame, it's all your fault for having high standards, but he's tired wahwah until you break and say you can't do it any more.

Then it's he hears you, he' sorry, he will help more. Loads of promises.

You are appeased although slightly upset and unsettled at why he had to take it to the edge. You continue for a few weeks until you realise he's not helping anymore or giving excuse after excuse. You start bartering, reminding him of the promises, the discussion you had, trying different ways, and different times, to approach the subject. Because you bring it up again

He turns nasty, saying you are breaking the marriage, its you who is making the children homeless because of insert the rage snarl fucking hoovering 🙄

You either pipe down and accept it for a bit longer or you say enough.

The first will break you until you have no confidence, no control, nothing. You are worthless. The latter takes you back into the circle of abuse.

I took it for thirty years as I didn't see it. I'm now broken, ill, with no money. Your eyes have been opened. Please start reading up on abusive/uneven relationships and decide what you want your future to look like. Same as me or a happier life?

Completely normal especially if they sense some turbulence, and they usually do.

Get a laundry service that comes to your door. No expense spared.

Don’t bother writing him a list as he will just use it against you to say you are petty. I honestly think I wouldn’t even bother engaging with him for now. Save your energy.

Get all the help you can now, it will be less work with that help.

but use the extra help to help you regain energy and to give you time to strategise. If you are leaving him you need to get organised. As someone said, go to the divorce board to get practical help.

I would buy in all the help you can get- daily cleaner, laundry service, childcare, gardener, meals.

Not because it will solve any problems with him but because it will give you a bit of thinking space. That’s all I would use it for. To buy you some time to do some thinking. See the wood for the trees.

I fully understand this is about the way he treats you- it’s a pretty extreme example of a complete lack of empathy and lack of respect that would make anyone feel dreadful(I actually wonder if he has an undiagnosed personality disorder, not that it is an excuse).

All if this is by-the-by.

Being married to this man is making you extremely unhappy. All blame aside, the point is you can’t live your life like this.

Definitely schedule counselling (if anything for your own peace of mind that you tried everything).

I’m sorry you are in this position, especially at such an important and testing time in your life.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I do think perhaps that his default is very defensive and so he couldn’t respond empathetically to you in the moment. Which is truly shit but not quite as bad as him totally sticking on his initial position.

My first question is - yes he’s apologised and said X Y Z. But has HE offered a plan of action?? What will HE now do to save his marriage?

Because of course his crap offer of help during his AL was actually put right back on YOU. You make him a list. Ffs. He is suggesting that you manage him.

All of course the mental load that so many women are meant to bear for every bloody thing in a relationship.

For me, that mental load involved also finding all the ways to try and save my marriage to my ex.

Push back hard on this. Tell him he is an adult. He needs to show you how he plans to take action here and stick to it. Lazy sod.