AIBU to be furious FIL called my son a burden at my own wedding?

I agree with @Dyrne. Your anger is misdirected, and I think you know that, really.

Also, while I recognise that this is not what happened here, a compelling reason why parents worry when their children form relationships with people with children from previous relationships is precisely because their relationship with those children can be abruptly terminated when the relationship ends.

My parents adored my sister’s longterm partner’s young children, and were heartbroken when he left her abruptly and didn’t allow her to say goodbye to the children, far less allow my parents to. (Children too young to be able to make contact solo.) They never saw them again.

Parents were much more guarded when my sister formed a new relationship with another man with children from a previous marriage, because now they know what can happen. They wouldn’t have said so aloud, but I’m certain they would privately have preferred her to marry someone without children.

that in his opinion I was being unreasonable and not considering how he was feeling- putting my son first as usual.

What a selfish cock. You, as a mother, SHOULD put your son first and any man who can't cope with that is a twat. His views (and his abandonment) scream selfish narcissist to me.

My DH looks at me in horror when he's heard me chatting with his mum about us all going away together as an extended family I guess I'm lucky.

There is something going on re. his out of the blue separation from op, with no apparent problems in the marriage.

It smacks of MLC/cherche la femme etc.

It's obvious as well that his parents have been very unhappy about him marrying a woman with a child from a previous relationship and an unlikely candidate to gave any more with him (which is how it has panned out). His father couldn't even stop the verbal diarrhea/true opinion about it to a complete stranger at the wedding. Their attitude to op and her son clearly didn't improve in the interim, given her experiences of being in company with them (and note her stbx's gas lighting & manipulation when remotely challenged about it).

Separation was initiated by H, totally out of the blue.

Do you think it's possible he has someone else lined up or at the very least thinks he has an opportunity elsewhere?

*turning 50, was what I meant, obviously

Oh and btw I agree entirely with you.

All I'm saying is that this is possibly the narrative behind their behaviour and now his behaviour.

Well maybe they should learn not to project their own wishes onto their children?

Have they, actually?

Ops stbxh has allowed them to treat he son like a second class citizen, and has now ended the marriage apparently suddenly & rather cruelly, and has shown his exact level.l of care/attachment/priority he has for his step son of nearly a decade.

*he was likely to meet & partner a woman with out a child or children from previous relationship.

They probably thought there was a world of younger women out there whom he might've partnered instead and provided them with grandchildren. That might still be their hope.

Well maybe they should learn not to project their own wishes onto their children? I don't understand people who have wishes for what other people will do with their lives, even their own children. Children grow up to be adults who are allowed to have their own hopes and dreams not pre-approved by their parents.

It's really quite controlling for parents to allow themselves to develop a vision for how their adult children will live their lives, and to let their children know openly or subtly whether they're living up to what their parents want from them.

In fact I'd winder if turning 59 was a catalyst for this, on both his part and his parents.

He seems to be close to and influenced by them, given all the shared holidays etc.

40s still seems young (ish) to many people; 50 is a significant half century, it might be that he (under the influence of his parents) thought it was now or never/urgent that he do something about his situation.

Do your stdx's parents have any other children or just your stbx and his brother who has disabilities?

If so, I'm guessing from you saying that you'd have ended up caring for your bil; that he had no partner, no kids and unlikely to have them.

Then your stbx and yourself married at 42/43, and he had no kids from a previous relationship.... And was unlikely to have any with you (unless you had fertility treatment & it was successful)?

So they have no biological grandchildren, is that right?

If this is correct, it sounds like they wanted their son to have kids of his own, and provide them with (biological) grandkids.
While youve rightly pointed out that at 42, with a woman the same age, he was likely to meet & partner a woman with a child or children from previous relationship. However that was probably not their hope/wish. They probably wishes he'd meet & partner a woman of child bearing age, and have grandchildren.

A grand son not related to them, coming along as part of a package with a woman who was (without fertility treatment, perhaps having to use donor eggs) relatively unlikely to have more kids ..... Was just not what they wanted.

They probably thought there was a world of younger women out there whom he might've partnered instead and provided them with grandchildren. That might still be their hope.

the whole fmaily sound cruel-baggage and he doesnt love you anymore because you didnt want to go on holiday? theyre welcome to each other

Fucking hell. I always thought “baggage” meant mental health or psychological/emotional issues that affect relationships, debts or financial problems, problematic former spouses, interfering or abusive family members and so on.

Had no idea that children apparently fall into the same category for some people.

I think it is understandable that blended families are not for everyone. People will have differing views on the matter. Perhaps the comment was ment as genuine concern because it is not a secret that being a step parent come with challenges.

I agree with what you say. It’s not my views towards people in this situation though. Although I might slightly silently think it, depending on how many children etc.

My DM when she got together with my stepdad (they’re not married, she’d been married twice before), my DGM (stepdad’s DM) and presumably his brothers, thought that stepdad taking on my DM and me and DB (I was 5, DB was 3) and stepdad was 10 years younger than DM who was 35, was taking on a burden with us kids. However with encouragement DM went to night school and trained and worked as a teacher, stepdad worked in a lower paid job and bought his own property (and had credit card debt) before that, her house was her own house and she paid the mortgage herself.

In your case yes it’s a nasty thing to hear and probably shouldn’t have been said by your uncle to you (FIL wasn’t nice saying this to your uncle at your wedding), I mean what good does it do now?

Being brutally honest the single children I know of single parents have tended to be a bit spoiled but then that’s to be expected as they usually get attention from either both parents who’ve separated or they get more attention from their DM or DF, whoever is their primary carer. It’s not necessarily a bad thing just something I’ve noticed. And maybe not the case with all of them. One only child (woman) of a friend has recently gained a baby DSis in her early 20s who she lives with (the baby and her DM and stepdad, for now, and you wouldn’t believe the change in this young woman, like a second mother to her DSis and looks after her a lot, as well as living her own life.

I wouldn't necessarily refer to an innocent child as "baggage".
For me that word would be used to describe a crazy ex or more issues surrounding the persons life before meeting you. Just can't help but think that word is used in such a negative context.
And no, when they're grown up if my children wish to many people who have children from pervious relationships I would never comment or judge, just try and be supportive. As long as they're happy that's all that matters.
I will try to bring my sons up to be caring, compassionate people who will know how to love, respect and looks after their families.

I forgot to add: I really, genuinely want to congratulate you on your divorce!

Onward and upward. Good luck! xxx

Maybe you should - or it will be forever eating you up?

How horrible. You and your son both sound lovely. The main thing is to rise above these people. Honestly, I hate to be rude, but they seem so much "lower class" than you (by which I mean they have "no class" in the way the Americans use the phrase).

They do not sound worth you or your son. Personally, I would leave them all to "stew in their own juice".

Yes, your uncle felt for you and wanted to back up your feelings. Don’t shoot the messenger!

That’s horrible. Your poor son.

As bad as what the uncle said, why did you go ahead and marry a man and marry into a family who always treated your son so badly? Still .you have to live with that decision too.Just cut all contact and put your son first.

@IAmBreathing
You are in the process of divorcing, the ties will be severed . Many families , if given a choice, would probably prefer that their son or daughter marry someone without children or any type of baggage from a previous marriage or relationship. Hoping that your child begins a marriage with a totally clean slate is neither mean spirited or selfish, nor does it speak to any kind of bias. Most of us simply want the best for our children and we tend to think of them creating a life with as little potential for conflict or discord as possible.

Parents ,however, realize that ultimately the choice of a partner is up to their child, and most accept the decision with quiet grace.

You are ending this relationship. There is nothing to be gained from reliving the past with a man who no longer wants to be with you or with your son.

Going forward be aware that people have all kinds of views and definitions of family. Don't assume that everyone shares your view.

It does nor seem as though your son is losing much in this separation and divorce. That is a good thing. He may have been polite to your husband's family, but it does not seem as though there was any real emotional investment .
Hopefully, your son has your family and his father's family and has no real need for additional ties.

Leave with your and your son's dignity intact, and don't look back.

It doesn't sound like any of them ever saw or treated your son like family. Not even your ex. Your son always was just a presence your ex had to accept so he could have you. His current behaviour is no surprise. It's just a shame that you never realised your son deserved better than this at the start.