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Original poster

Normal nervousness or real reasons not to have kids?

64 replies

katieak · 16/07/2023 22:51

So we've delayed having children because the time has never been "right" for various reasons. I'm now ready and feel having a child would be so wonderful and may give me more purpose to life. We're fortunate in that we are in an ok position to have a baby - stable and established career on a reasonable wage (both of us), decent mat pay, big enough home. There's kind of no reason not to, other than it will change our lives. I feel my nerves are probably normal because committing to giving a child the best life is a big thing. My hesitations are - holidays will be different - backpacking in less developed places and enjoying luxury hotels in others (I realise they are very different but that is our reality) will probably change to UK or shorthaul Europe initially, having to plan more - we enjoy a bit of spontaneity, and having to sacrifice certain things e.g. going out to nice places for dinner. I feel now that a baby/child willl be worth all of that and will work fine although may be hard at times. This is normal worries to have right? It doesn't mean we shouldn't? Fwiw hubby has always kind of left it to me to feel ready and had said he would be if I pull the trigger although naturally has the same nerves about lifestyle change. I guess I'm asking will we regret it or is this normal?

OP posts:
Plugsockets1 · 16/07/2023 23:26

katieak · 16/07/2023 23:22

@Plugsockets1 this is what worries me. I kinda made my peace that things will be very different but I can embrace that but sometimes Mumsnet makes it seem scary! I guess I'm asking for reality - do those feelings come and go or do people really regret it forever?

I wish you good luck in your decision. I've had three rounds of IVF and no baby and I'm more unsure about whether I actually want children more than ever...

Someone posted an interesting link to why you shouldn't ever worry about regretting the decision to NOT have children. I'll try and find it.

Original poster
katieak · 16/07/2023 23:22

@Plugsockets1 this is what worries me. I kinda made my peace that things will be very different but I can embrace that but sometimes Mumsnet makes it seem scary! I guess I'm asking for reality - do those feelings come and go or do people really regret it forever?

OP posts:
Angliski · 16/07/2023 23:20

My mother always told me
’children are sacrifice. Do everything you want to do before you have them!’
this led to:

  1. long and painful fertility treatment
  2. my wonderful ds later in life.

there is no question that you utterly lose the freedom to put yourself first. You can still have luxury hotels or whatever but you always ask- will that suit my dc too?

so you make different choices. And you sacrifice your desire for spontaneity or your longing for a long potter around a new city, for a whole different life with some different choices.

Spinewars23 · 16/07/2023 23:20

Know 10 year married couples - no babies even if they wanted.

Yet some people were probably infertile from get go, their chance never there (I’ll always regret not having children)

Plugsockets1 · 16/07/2023 23:20

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 16/07/2023 23:04

It absolutely is a massive change to everything. Of course you can still do a lot of that if you're confident enough, but in general your life will change a lot. The thing is, there's no love like your children and when the time comes you will be ok with those sacrifices.

Reading a few posts on Mumsnet shows this is not true of everyone. Lots of people are very NOT ok with the sacrifices and if you start to talk to women and they're honest, many would have in retrospect chosen differently.

SootspriteSearcher · 16/07/2023 23:13

Nervousness is normal and yes life will change. But you don't have to give up all those freedoms. Children can and do fit into the parents lives, you don't have to change your whole lifestyle for them. I guess selfishly as I was young when I had them I wasn't ready to give up having fun so they came along too so we could experience it together!

My dds have come and done all the things I've wanted to do within reason. They have grown up fairly chilled and now as teenagers still love an adventure. We go on walks, visit museums, castles, zoos, shows, get the train to new places. Even when they were young (baby & toddler aged) we went to restaurants and cafés. They were taught how to behave and what was expected from them. Obviously we did our fair share of parks, beaches and soft play too!!

I cant comment on holidays as I had my girls young so never had that freedom before and never really had the cash to go abroad. But its something I really hope to experience with them in the near future!

Torven · 16/07/2023 23:10

I think the loss of freedom must be equal to the loss of inner peace. They say you'll never know complete peace of mind again. Sounds rubbish to me.

TheCatsMama · 16/07/2023 23:06

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 16/07/2023 23:04

It absolutely is a massive change to everything. Of course you can still do a lot of that if you're confident enough, but in general your life will change a lot. The thing is, there's no love like your children and when the time comes you will be ok with those sacrifices.

My cat loves me more than any pink baby could.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 16/07/2023 23:04

It absolutely is a massive change to everything. Of course you can still do a lot of that if you're confident enough, but in general your life will change a lot. The thing is, there's no love like your children and when the time comes you will be ok with those sacrifices.

TheCatsMama · 16/07/2023 23:03

katieak · 16/07/2023 23:02

I guess just life chances in general. Holidays is a big one. Freedom to just do what we want when we want is the main centre of it. I guess we'd figure a system but we're lucky that we have a lot of freedom now to just go wherever whenever. By this I don't mean holidays, just if we fancy going to the city for a few hours we can or if we go for a drive out somewhere and a walk we can do that. We're not worried about nap times or packing several changes of clothes or eating at the right time which might not be things that really matter but I am very aware it's a bit change

@katieak

Freedom to just do what we want when we want is the main centre of it.

Part of you is trying to tell you something. Listen.

BringItOnxxx · 16/07/2023 23:02

It's normal to worry but I wouldn't let it put you off.

Original poster
katieak · 16/07/2023 23:02

I guess just life chances in general. Holidays is a big one. Freedom to just do what we want when we want is the main centre of it. I guess we'd figure a system but we're lucky that we have a lot of freedom now to just go wherever whenever. By this I don't mean holidays, just if we fancy going to the city for a few hours we can or if we go for a drive out somewhere and a walk we can do that. We're not worried about nap times or packing several changes of clothes or eating at the right time which might not be things that really matter but I am very aware it's a bit change

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 16/07/2023 23:00

Being a bit nervous that your life changes when you have a baby is normal. It’s not really a reason not to have a baby. most of the changes will enrich your lives. If you are financially stable and in a mature relationship, it will be much easier than if you are not.

bagforlifeamnesty · 16/07/2023 22:56

You’ve only really given one reason which is about holidays. What else are you worried about? It’s good to realise it’s a big life change but I think you need to try to pin down exactly what it is that you’re feeling anxious about.