Normal nervousness or real reasons not to have kids?

I don't think you really want a baby, if you did it would be an overwhelming all encompassing need and you wouldn't be having these internal conversations.

Don't have a child because you think it will give "purpose" to your life - you can't live your life through other people and you need to find "purpose" within yourself, not rely on a child for that.
I would say that if you have any doubts, you are not ready - yet, or maybe at all.

These are normal worries and I think almost every parent these days will have had these thoughts and concerns at some point. I certainly did.

In the past it was just the done thing to have children, or impossible to stop them coming, so people had them young without thinking much about it.

Now we’re having them later and it seems like a big choice and a big change.

Absolutely there are challenges, but there is also intense love and profound joy, and I would not have wanted to miss out on this experience!

I think whatever you decide, it’s quite unlikely that you will regret it long term, as regret is an uncomfortable emotion so we look for the positives in our own situation and the negatives in the other.

Yes, things change but it's only for a period of time that you are really restricted. Dh and I lived and travelled in lots of less developed countries before we had dc. No we haven't been back since, but I think that's more to due just with lifestyle change than having kids (older, more risk averse, maybe related to being parents, but who knows). But ours are primary school age now and we are starting to be able to see a time in a couple years when we can do that sort of travel again as a family.

As for other things, yes, you are more restricted, but you also have new worlds that are opened up to you. I've met different people as a parent. I've learned new things about myself. I'm certainly much more resourceful and resilient than I used to be. Yes, I do miss the life I used to have in away. The travel, the nice restaurants, the excitement, but I wonder if that's more a figment of it being more of a 'luxury' now. I know when we decided to have children, I was a bit bored with all of that. Like after awhile, it does get a bit same-same, if there is nothing deeper there. We have close family who are childfree by choice and yes, they travel and go hobbies and have lie ins, but I wouldn't trade places with them. A lie in stops being special when you can do it every weekend. After awhile, it's just 'not getting out of bed' and missing out on life. Same with a nice weekend away, it's lovely to do now because it's special, but at a point, it stopped being so lovely because it's just staying in a nice place and eating nice food - which I can still do as a parent, but I'm not missing out on all the other really meaningful stuff I have in my life.

That doesn't mean it's not challenging to have children, but I think your worries are pretty normal.

Hi OP, I'm in exactly the same position as you! I'm late 30's, and I've delayed it for so long but not realising I have to do it before it's really too late. But like you nervous about missing nice holidays, my own time and freedom to do what I want, disposable income, meals/drinks out etc.
I've got friends who seriously struggled once having a baby, with the change to their life it brings. I think probably hadn't thought about the realities of it too much. I think I'm the opposite, and worry too much I'll hate it and not enjoy it so keep feeling put off! I'm TTC now anyway, but still nervous/worried about the massive change that will happen if I get a BFP.

For me personally I used to go on lots of holidays with my friends abroad and do what I wanted to do, I wasn't that interested in having children. I got to about 26 then all of a sudden was desperate for one and I now have my two beautiful children that I adore and never regret. Don't get me wrong, I suffered with severed post natal depression and struggled both times and somethings its been difficult/challenging and i felt guilty for bringing them into this world but over time you learn to adapt to life with children and I wouldn't be without them now.

It is completely up to you. The first 2 years of my child's life have completely turned my life upside down. I've enjoyed parts of it but I will be completely honest the first year I spent thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE at regular intervals. Now my child is a bit older and I have more "me" back I feel much happier about my decision.

It's like anything in life. It has its ups and downs. Good days and bad. However I don't personally think it's something you regret as once they're here you wouldn't change it for the world.

But perhaps not having them would lead to regret? I don't know because I can only speak from my experience of having children which has changed my life for the better.

As long as you go into it realistically (of course with some doubts) then you won't be too shocked by all the change. However I personally find holidays the least relaxing thing to do with children so if your decision is entirely based on that then probably best not to do it (again speaking from experience- yours may be different!).

Unfortunately, you don’t know if parenthood is for you until you become one. Being a parent also isn’t just one thing. I was terrible at the baby stage, drugged up to the eyeballs on antidepressants. My sister absolutely thrived with a little one. I am now much better with a tween whilst my sister is struggling more with this part. Who knows what the teen years will bring.

Being a parents is a lifelong journey and not about ‘having a baby’. Ask yourself if you want a teen living in your house in 13 years’ time.

I found it interesting that they saw the reality of DC - not the idealised view of motherhood - only because they happened to have very close friends with DC. They didn't have babies/toddlers in their families, so wouldn't have been able to judge based on personal experience, but know on perceptions from the media etc.

I certainly saw the reality when my DB and his partner had a baby, aged 49 and 43 respectively. I love my DN dearly but was and am glad we didn’t pursue parenthood any further than we did. (IVF failed and we chose not to use donor gametes or adopt/foster.)

I delayed trying because of worries over things like it impacting mine and dh's relationship, holidays, events etc... I tended to be focused on all the things I'd lose having children. In the end it was a leap of faith and fortunately the things I feel I've gained from having dc, outweigh the things I lost.

So from my experience, what you're describing is similar to what I went through. Had to give myself a push basically!

Regarding posh hotels (or even budget hotels!) what usually stuffs it up for us is that the sleeping arrangements are not really set up for young children - sometimes if youre lucky you can get a family room or a cot put in the room but that means early dinner and lights out whenever your child goes to sleep. You might get a child who copes well with staying up late - I hear they do exist - but even then, for the first few years, there's not really a lot of relaxing while they are awake. There are Mark Warner type holidays where you leave the kids asleep in the room and a staff member "patrols" that floor of the hotel listening on a baby speaker thing but it seems a lot of faff for something that you can easily do without help if you rent a cottage or just stay at home! From about age 8 or so I would say holidays can be great with small kids - before that it can be great for them, but it's a bit of a bus man's holiday.
Apologies if that us too much detail on holidays but this is the thing - children change every single aspect of your life and it is all details, all the time. I think our society poses the question of kids to women like this very abstract, high-minded sort of "what do you want your life to stand for" type of question but I think the details are far more important. Do you have a good relationship with your parents and inlaws, do they live nearby, would they be happy to help with childcare? You can buy childcare to cover the working day, but what about if they are ill or you're ill or you just want a wee Saturday afternoon off? It will make a huge difference if you have some family support. And how is your DH? Is he one of those guys that "just doesn't see the mess" and you end up doing more housework because of it? Those guys are hard work if you have a baby. Do you work in an area where jobs are secure and it's easy to get hired? Does your DH? What if one of you was made redundant and had to move for work? Think about that sort of thing. I wish I had!

My friend had a baby older and she was extremely spontaneous think one day you’ll be speaking to her on the phone about the weather etc the next she’s off to Thailand for a month nothing booked but flights just flew out everywhere and did the “we will see where’s good to go when we get out there!” Lol. She had a her baby and integrated her lifestyle into her baby and he was off travelling with her from 6 weeks old!

It’s a complete myth really that you have to completely pander to the whole motherhood limitations thing if you can do it so can baby I think there is too much pressure on mums to think they must stay home get baby into routine naps excessive packing on day trips etc!

I say go for it! Her ds is 11 now extremely intelligent well travelled would rather go snorkelling than pick up a ipad any day! His knowledge and respect for other cultures at his age is mind blowing!

For women who were a bit on the fence of having DC (before having them), I think some would say they'd choose differently if they could go back.

It's kind of an unspoken thing where you don't ever want to say you regret your DC - because you love them - but the consequences of DC are huge and you're tied to the change in lifestyle for many years. Especially if you don't have lots of support around you - it can be tough.

In my friend circle, a few of us had DC relatively early. Other friends saw how tough it was and some decided to stay child free. I found it interesting that they saw the reality of DC - not the idealised view of motherhood - only because they happened to have very close friends with DC. They didn't have babies/toddlers in their families, so wouldn't have been able to judge based on personal experience, but know on perceptions from the media etc.

I felt like this although it got a lot less after I turned 35 and generally slowed down a bit naturally anyway, stared to get a bit bored of eating out all the time, yes you can go on holiday a lot but in the end you come home and are missing something else a bit more meaningful.
I had a baby and pay for a weekly babysitter so we still have time to get out and about. They also don't stay babies forever, they will enjoy travelling with you as they grow up too. I can't think of anywhere I've travelled to that hasn't had kids / teenagers there too!

Children can give you purpose if you are happy being a mother. On the other hand, they can strip your life of purpose because you might not be able to do much except work and bring them up.

Ok. So I was sorta in the same position as you.
I got pregnant as I wanted to start a family, but hated the idea of giving birth. Luckily, I was able to chose how I did and was the right option for me. Since I had baby later in life, I feel like I’ve travelled enough ( no thanks to covid missing 2 years). Yes we have to sacrifice oversees trips but next few years we will doing a bit mor coastal trips, which is fine as we have a beautiful coast here is Aus!
we are not into fancy dinners or anything like that so hasn’t really affected us in that sense.
yes the support around does help as some days it can be hard and draining, but like everything else has up and down.
anyway good luck !

Your concerns are very normal. Does your partner have the same concerns. The fact that he’s left the ball in your court completely makes me wonder if a. He hasn’t given it much thought or b. Thinks you’ll be doing it all?

Some people seem determined and do carry on doing some of the things they did before children. Like holidays.

However babies are expensive- we also did lovely holidays pre children- post children (we had 2 under 2 so maybe things would’ve been different with just 1 ) wages dropped + £1000 a month nursery bill meant caravan holidays/ cottage holidays for a few years. lifestyle hugely changes, relationship dynamics change.

i often think I wouldn’t do it if I had my time again but in reality I think these things when I’m just exhausted and thinking of my alternative life. Because n reality I love these children more than anything and would do anything for them.

As the parent of a teen with ADHD and ASC I'd say think carefully. If I could turn back the clock I would.

I was never that bothered about having children as I knew if would be hard work but rose tinted glasses and my biological clock ticking in my early 30s changed that.

Of course I love him and hopefully things will improve but it's not how I imagined it would be.

How old are you OP? I am mid thirties and lots of my friends having same dilemma as you.

I am still in the toddler stage so exotic holidays, spontaneous dinners etc very much not happening. Sometimes I do miss them but when you do get to do something like a low key date night it's such a treat!

Also having a child has enriched our lives so much; getting to experience new places with them, lots of new friends on top of the really profound joy of parenthood.

It is really relentless and can be a slog though but the hard things in life are also often the best things. I would find life without a child flat (this is just me I have lots of happy childfree friends).

I think you need to think about your support system. Will DH pitch in properly? Do you have family nearby or a good network of friends. What is your plan for your careers? All these things will impact your experience of parenthood and how much time/sanity you get to yourself.

You don’t have to have children, OP. I certainly wouldn’t have them to ‘give you purpose in life’. It’s fine to decide that freedom, spontaneity and travel are more important to you.

You can still do nice things with a baby and as they grow older you can bring spontaneous things back. You just have to remember it’s as simple as packing a bag for baby having sufficient clothes and just getting out! It will change but it can still be a good beautiful life and only the first few years are the struggle with things to do.

Here you go

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids#:~:text=7.-,To%20fear%20future%20regret%20about%20not%20having%20children%20is%20to,by%20the%20choice%20to%20parent

The time is never actually right I don’t think and the truth is nothing actually prepares you for those changes. I remember in the early days leaving my baby at my sisters so I could watch a football match and actually legging it from her house to my car. I resented my child’s dad for being useless. He still is but that’s a him problem not a me problem. I wanted my old life back too but then around the 13/14 month mark! It clicked the mental health struggles disappeared. I stopped having so many down days. I stopped feeling negative and I have given my daughter my all ever since I mean I was doing a good job at taking care of her before that but no I don’t struggle mentally.

what im trying to say is it’s the hardest but most rewarding and the best thing you’ll ever do if you feel it inside that you want to be a mother.

it does help if you have a good partner/dad willing to help and share the load. It does help when you’ve got a bigger support network but it seriously is amazing!

you’ll never ever be completely ready no matter how much you plan but you’ll know just how beautiful it is.