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AIBU?

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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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7
TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 23:05

SadMil · 16/07/2023 23:03

I’m not easily upset, so I don’t think I’m like your mother. Remember this is just an example- the context is far wider.

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Of course there's a bigger context, and there are subtle things going on that we will not be able to perceive through a thread. Part of that bigger context is also DIL's side of things, which we're not getting. We can only comment on what is presented and try to give other perspectives and food for thought.

Anklespraying · 16/07/2023 23:04

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 22:16

Really😂? Please quote any of my posts which are "unhinged". Go on...No doubt your response will be " I don't owe you anything", same response as your friend upthread who is also fond of making stuff up and doesn't like it being pointed out to her.

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All of them Olive.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 23:04

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 23:03

I'd feel I had to thank you and react positively too. Then I'd tell my husband how I felt about it after they'd gone, so I could hear his side. If he wanted to go ahead, I wouldn't feel I could say no on this one.

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Ok in which case hopefully there’ll be no backlash and she maybe secretly relieved.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 23:04

SadMil · 16/07/2023 23:01

Maybe, but she reacted positively. Thanked me and I even got a hug. This was of course in the early days. A lot has happened since

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A lot has happened since

Is there a drip-feed about to land? Because a lot since seems to be her refusing a cup of tea, not thanking you properly for a stool and being a bit moody at times.

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 23:03

SadMil · 16/07/2023 23:01

Maybe, but she reacted positively. Thanked me and I even got a hug. This was of course in the early days. A lot has happened since

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I'd feel I had to thank you and react positively too. Then I'd tell my husband how I felt about it after they'd gone, so I could hear his side. If he wanted to go ahead, I wouldn't feel I could say no on this one.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 23:03

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 23:00

Yes, I think there is more onus on your son to make the acknowledgement. Even if DIL had thanked you personally, I think it would have been appropriate for your son to make a comment to his father about the gift.

Don't be like my mother. She gets upset when people don't react to her good intentions as she thinks they should. She finds it hard to consider that others might not perceive things with the same value she does.

I think your DIL might be quirky and a bit unconventional, but it's not necessarily personal (having not had her side of things).

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I’m not easily upset, so I don’t think I’m like your mother. Remember this is just an example- the context is far wider.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 23:02

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:59

Sorry quoted wrong person

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I think you were trying to quote me, about your son and DIL maybe not liking the Disney stool. Why is what I suggested nasty though? It could absolutely be that they just didn't like it and didn't know how to thank you without sounding fake.

EyesFourteen · 16/07/2023 23:01

Oh please OP! Not judgmental?! Your posts are dripping with judgment. Your DIL is apparently some lying conniving older woman who was desperate for a baby and so trapped your son. Despite the fact that he didn’t use contraception either!

You know your DIL is a new mother with a serious mental health condition but you have decided that she is rude and had blanked you by not greeting you during a party, not thanking you for a gift (maybe your son told her he had already thanked you at the time?!) and then making a massive issue over a bloody cup of tea! You have displayed zero empathy for this woman. It must be as obvious to her as it is to everyone in this thread. I am not surprise you are getting the reaction you do.

The comments above are just the most ridiculous backpedaling, half truths and denial. Gaslight central!

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 23:01

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 22:57

I'd argue that wanting to give them a house deposit is being parental. That might be weird for her and maybe she felt she couldn't decline because your son wanted to accept? It's very generous of you but generosity can sometimes make things awkward.

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Maybe, but she reacted positively. Thanked me and I even got a hug. This was of course in the early days. A lot has happened since

OP posts:
TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 23:00

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:56

so you mean if anything my son should have had more onus on acknowledgment rather than DIL? I hadn’t thought of it that way, maybe you’re right. I just try and put myself in other peoples shoes and it’s just what I would done I guess. I didn’t think the onus should have been on either one more than the other

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Yes, I think there is more onus on your son to make the acknowledgement. Even if DIL had thanked you personally, I think it would have been appropriate for your son to make a comment to his father about the gift.

Don't be like my mother. She gets upset when people don't react to her good intentions as she thinks they should. She finds it hard to consider that others might not perceive things with the same value she does.

I think your DIL might be quirky and a bit unconventional, but it's not necessarily personal (having not had her side of things).

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:59

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:59

Maybe you’re right, but it’s a nasty thing to write nonetheless

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Sorry quoted wrong person

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:59

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 22:27

Talk about reaching😂😂"maybe this, maybe that.

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Maybe you’re right, but it’s a nasty thing to write nonetheless

OP posts:
TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 22:57

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:53

I’m not sure I see age as a barrier- I have no desire to ‘mother’ her. I see her as an intelligent and smart woman who I could catch up with over a cuppa and chat about anything she felt comfortable with whether it’s baby related or not. I don’t see people in ‘titles’ (DIL or mother, sister in law etc), I see people as individuals who have their own personality who I’d like to connect with on some level.

I have never implied that I was wanting to be ‘maternal’ or ‘patronising’ as other posters have said, I don’t really know where that idea came from. But that’s certainly not me. As I’ve said in previous posts, I’m not judgemental at all, I try and see the good in everyone (although admittedly I am struggling in this case hence why I have posted).

I’m pretty laid back, having been judged for as long as I can remember (teenage mum, also having a child with ASD and subsequent behavioural issues), I know exactly what it’s like being on the receiving end and am therefore have more empathy with people who are struggling for whatever reason.

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I'd argue that wanting to give them a house deposit is being parental. That might be weird for her and maybe she felt she couldn't decline because your son wanted to accept? It's very generous of you but generosity can sometimes make things awkward.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 22:57

This reply has been deleted

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Another poster who is just making stuff up. Reported.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:56

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 22:50

Actually your son does have more responsibility than DIL here, because he's your son.

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so you mean if anything my son should have had more onus on acknowledgment rather than DIL? I hadn’t thought of it that way, maybe you’re right. I just try and put myself in other peoples shoes and it’s just what I would done I guess. I didn’t think the onus should have been on either one more than the other

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 22:56

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:42

It’s not DIL’s ‘fault’ anymore than my sons. I think the only reason I had implied that was because my opening post was primarily about DIL. We actually would have appreciated an acknowledgment from either of them, doesn’t matter. We were hurt that none was made (by either of them).

Why should it have been my son thanking us anymore than DIL? We wouldn’t have had a preference- didn’t matter who (as previously stated)

What behaviour of my son am I ignoring? What did he do?

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I see your still being biased towards your son! Yes it is more your sons responsibility, you raised him. Did you not raise him to have manners? I assume he has a much closer relationship with his father than your DIL does? Ultimately it’s his responsibility to thank your husband for such a personal, thoughtful handmade gift.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:53

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 22:40

Fair enough you no longer feel comfortable giving them the money. What do you think about what quite a few other posters have suggested that because you are so close in age to your DIL, you might need to reframe the relationship from parents-in-law to something more peer-like? That it might be affecting the way you relate to one another? Or do you not think that's an issue? I think it's an interesting point.

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I’m not sure I see age as a barrier- I have no desire to ‘mother’ her. I see her as an intelligent and smart woman who I could catch up with over a cuppa and chat about anything she felt comfortable with whether it’s baby related or not. I don’t see people in ‘titles’ (DIL or mother, sister in law etc), I see people as individuals who have their own personality who I’d like to connect with on some level.

I have never implied that I was wanting to be ‘maternal’ or ‘patronising’ as other posters have said, I don’t really know where that idea came from. But that’s certainly not me. As I’ve said in previous posts, I’m not judgemental at all, I try and see the good in everyone (although admittedly I am struggling in this case hence why I have posted).

I’m pretty laid back, having been judged for as long as I can remember (teenage mum, also having a child with ASD and subsequent behavioural issues), I know exactly what it’s like being on the receiving end and am therefore have more empathy with people who are struggling for whatever reason.

OP posts:
EyesFourteen · 16/07/2023 22:52

This reply has been deleted

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uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/07/2023 22:52

MH problems aren't an excuse for rudeness especially when she's fine with her friends
I certainly wouldn't gift them a large deposit for a few reasons
Least of all, if they buy somewhere and split then it's complicated
I hope your DS is happy as I get the feeling it's her way of the highway
YANBU

TheBlinkOfAnEye · 16/07/2023 22:50

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:42

It’s not DIL’s ‘fault’ anymore than my sons. I think the only reason I had implied that was because my opening post was primarily about DIL. We actually would have appreciated an acknowledgment from either of them, doesn’t matter. We were hurt that none was made (by either of them).

Why should it have been my son thanking us anymore than DIL? We wouldn’t have had a preference- didn’t matter who (as previously stated)

What behaviour of my son am I ignoring? What did he do?

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Actually your son does have more responsibility than DIL here, because he's your son.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:42

Luxell934 · 16/07/2023 22:36

I would like further clarification on why it’s only your DILs fault that neither her or your son called your husband to thank him for the gift? Surely your son should have been the one to thank your husband for his thoughtful gift??? Why are your ignoring your sons behaviour in this situation?

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It’s not DIL’s ‘fault’ anymore than my sons. I think the only reason I had implied that was because my opening post was primarily about DIL. We actually would have appreciated an acknowledgment from either of them, doesn’t matter. We were hurt that none was made (by either of them).

Why should it have been my son thanking us anymore than DIL? We wouldn’t have had a preference- didn’t matter who (as previously stated)

What behaviour of my son am I ignoring? What did he do?

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 22:40

SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:37

I don’t see how withdrawing the money is point scoring. It was offered in good faith absolutely no strings or expectations attached. Unfortunately circumstances have now changed and neither my husband or I feel comfortable gifting a large sum of money. As some posters have quite rightly pointed out anything can change at anytime- who knows if their marriage will last (I obviously hope it does and they are all happy).

I think it is a wiser decision to put the money aside for our grandchild in a trust fund. My loyalty is obviously to my son and their child. If things do go sour we will of course ensure he is ok (financially and emotionally), but things in the current circumstances are precarious. I don’t dislike DIL, never have done but honestly I’m not getting good vibes and can’t make head nor tail of her behaviour - she clearly doesn’t want any kind of relationship on any level with us. This is her choice, but it’s only prudent to make this decision about the money based on the current circumstances.

I honestly don’t know how she feels- she doesn’t want to let us in - we therefore can’t / don’t know how to support her. This is her choice of course, but it’s certainly not about point scoring- what even is the point of that? I don’t actually get up in a morning, rub my hands with glee and think how can I get one up on her today! I work full time with two other children- I can assure you I have neither the time or inclination for this notion.

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Fair enough you no longer feel comfortable giving them the money. What do you think about what quite a few other posters have suggested that because you are so close in age to your DIL, you might need to reframe the relationship from parents-in-law to something more peer-like? That it might be affecting the way you relate to one another? Or do you not think that's an issue? I think it's an interesting point.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 22:40

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 22:15

😂 Says the person who has started a whole thread to score a win against her DIL!

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Yet 69% of people agree with OP.

Olive19741205 · 16/07/2023 22:38

PuddlesPityParty · 16/07/2023 22:34

are you okay mate? You’ve picked fights with multiple people on this thread. Go outside and get some fresh air maybe, take a screen break.

to answer you, the DIL is probs blanking the OP because she sounds like a PITA, and Ofc she can respond to people but the way she’s replying just makes her sound more and more dickish - hope this helps 🫶

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No not multiple people, just 3 or 4 posters who are repeatedly making up their own scenarios without a shred of evidence. Funnily enough, when they were called out, they acted JUST like you, they made up more nonsense. "Are you ok mate, go outside blah blah" 😂

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 22:37

Inkpotlover · 16/07/2023 22:24

But that's what you've done by withdrawing the money offer. It's a shame the situation has come to this and you couldn't have found a way through with your DIL. Have you had any more reaction since the phone call with your DS?

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I don’t see how withdrawing the money is point scoring. It was offered in good faith absolutely no strings or expectations attached. Unfortunately circumstances have now changed and neither my husband or I feel comfortable gifting a large sum of money. As some posters have quite rightly pointed out anything can change at anytime- who knows if their marriage will last (I obviously hope it does and they are all happy).

I think it is a wiser decision to put the money aside for our grandchild in a trust fund. My loyalty is obviously to my son and their child. If things do go sour we will of course ensure he is ok (financially and emotionally), but things in the current circumstances are precarious. I don’t dislike DIL, never have done but honestly I’m not getting good vibes and can’t make head nor tail of her behaviour - she clearly doesn’t want any kind of relationship on any level with us. This is her choice, but it’s only prudent to make this decision about the money based on the current circumstances.

I honestly don’t know how she feels- she doesn’t want to let us in - we therefore can’t / don’t know how to support her. This is her choice of course, but it’s certainly not about point scoring- what even is the point of that? I don’t actually get up in a morning, rub my hands with glee and think how can I get one up on her today! I work full time with two other children- I can assure you I have neither the time or inclination for this notion.

OP posts:
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