Struggling with DIL

Which ones? Please show me.

Good luck op

I didn’t call her a bitch. I just said plainly that I can understand what op and her dh seek - some friendliness and warmth.
People can say ‘DIL owes them nothing’ but I disagree. Even if she doesn’t like them it doesn’t excuse rudeness.
She was actively friendly to her friends at the party and blanked the OP. I can find a lot of this relatable. Of course we don’t know the whole story but equally not every mother in law is nasty and overbearing

I agree with pp SadMil get this thread taken down ASAP. It's becoming too identifiable.

I agree with this. Even if they've been tweaked a bit, there are still a lot of identifying details - the birthday Disney stool, the short timeline of their relationship, you offering them 50k, your ages etc.

Your husband is actually doing what my mother does. Not getting the degree of reaction he expected for his gift, so getting upset as a result. I do agree that not getting a proper acknowledgement is off though.

See OP, people are still piling on to agree with you that this woman's a bitch.

They have been doing it all day for you.

Since you complained she didn't thank anyone for this special gift and didn't want tea.

Since you told everyone how rude this woman is, dozens of them have been calling her rude and a bitch for you all day.

I don't think it was a mistake to post, you are clearly troubled by the fact you don't have the relationship with your DIL that you'd like and it's good to seek different opinions. But hopefully it's opened your eyes to the possibility that it might not be personal in the way you've been thinking it is. That said, I do think that if you are uncomfortable with the idea to the degree you are, you shouldn't give them the money for now.

If you've got what you need from this thread, maybe you should ask MN to take it down? I imagine if DIL came across it, it might be the last straw in your relationship.

You can have feelings. I would just think someone in your position might have more understanding. You say you have a child with autism. I presume you don't like it when other people judge him/her as badly behaved, poorly parented, and naughty because he/she displays challenging behaviour? Or maybe you don't mind because they're entitled to their feelings even if they're based on ignorance.

I don’t think you are old fashioned op! I am 39, I have had MH struggles.
I have never been rude to my in-laws!
I feel really sorry for you and your husband

If it's helped you to gain some other perspectives and ideas, whether you agree or not, maybe it's helpful?

That's exactly it. You have no idea what her side is (her perceptions and they why of her actions). It might not be personal at all. I think it's usually best to be generous in interpreting people's actions and why they do things the way they do. There are lots of reasons people do what they do that aren't obvious to us.

Consider that you might not always be reasonable in your expectations of her too. Your comments that put the onus on her to thank you for the gift are a good example. That's on your son. Don't be one of those MIL's who blames DIL for her son's failures.

I think it has a bit, because on the face of it those isolated incidents seem really minor, but to you, in the wider context, show a pattern of negative behaviour. MN isn't the best place for nuance!

I would give her a bit of the benefit of the doubt. She has a very challenging mental health condition diagnosed. Why she does what she does might be unconventional, but it might be how she copes and maybe she is doing the best she can? She might warm up over time. She might treat her friends differently because she's known them longer and is more relaxed. It's a different relationship. She might not explain to you why she does things the way she does.

I mentioned upthread that my son in law sometimes takes himself off for walks when we visit. Some people might find this difficult and take it personally but I understand why he does this and just accept it. As a result, we have an easy relationship.

Have you considered that maybe it isn't about you and it actually is just her going through stuff (which she doesn't want your help with)? You've asked your son, he's said she's in one of her moods. I.e. a bipolar mood. That has nothing to do with her feelings about you. You're looking at her behaviour through the lens of "normal" rather than "unwell".

You are trying to be parental. Support her, give a stool when the baby might have terrible balance, ask about her health to your son, offer house deposit help. It's natural as you are your son's parent. But she is essentially the same age as you. Be interesting to know more in terms of similarities and differences between you, eg in career and interests. It might be over time you could be good friends. I still doubt she'd be taking advice though.

I think some people just don't click so easily. I bet she doesn't dislike you, it's more she doesn't particularly like you iyswim. Lots of people seem to have a problem with this and think if someone isn't 'nasty' and is 'friendly' you should automatically like them as if theres only 2 options. I work with people that I like but mostly I don't like them. There's no one there who I dislike though. If she wasn't your DIL would you want to be friends? Maybe she feels like that towards you. You can't force closeness. As long as she's not rude I think you should just allow her to he herself. If she has a long term MH condition this is herself. Has she actually 'done anything wrong' in your eyes other than not liking you as much as you hoped? Don't think you've done something wrong, but don't feel you're entitled to much more than decency either. You're not. Your son loves her and that's the most important thing.