Struggling with DIL

Well this is turning out to be a classic MN thread!

Its absolutely bats**t to have a drink waiting for someone when they arrive because you’ve seen them drink it before in the past with an unwritten obligation to drink said beverage or have an offer of money for a deposit for a house for a grandchild to live in revoked. How bizarre.

Im guessing she found out that you thought she entrapped your son and that your disapproval has contributed to her current cheerful demeanour when she sees you. Sounds like thinks can only get better now you have rung to emphasise your disapproval.

Saying thank you to a gift as it is given all wrapped up is very different to saying thank you for a gift once it's been opened and the recipient knows what the gift actually is. There has been no acknowledgment about the work that will have gone into it etc.

This was how my ex was also.

He would also invite his mum and sisters to little events I had planned for my baby and then expect me to host them. He invited them so he hosts them. Maybe I wouldn’t have said thank you for a gift as I would assume he would have! I would have made a comment about how nice it was or something friendly though. Unless it wasn’t 😂

Do this and when they ask where it is say it burned to the ground and you spent the insurance money on the bathroom

Well this is quite the turnaround. Anklespraying encouraging a poster on another thread to take money from their in laws and then lie about it. Sheesh.

Well spotted 😂😂 Out of alllllll the millions of users of Mumsnet...you 2 think it's weird that 2 people on a thread are a similar age? We're actually not the same age but never mind facts eh?

Which OP didn't disclose until a few pages in. And he said thank you when he took the box. Neither of them have said thank you once that box was open, which they (both) should have.

Op, I'm so sorry you're getting this reaction on MN. I think you have every right to be upset with the behaviour and to pull back now.

I do wonder how much the ages have to do with this. Your DIL is as close in age to you as to your son. This must make an odd dynamic for both of you.

The non reaction to the personal gift was damn rude. But I agree with others that you should be upset by the lack of response by your DS. But somehow you weren't. Is your relationship with him as good as you think it was? Was he the result of your teenage pregnancy? Is your DH his biological father? There may be more to unpack here than you might have realised.

Also, you've offered a woman who is almost the same age as you, funding to buy a house? Maybe she's gone away feeling patronised but not know why she feels that way. Maybe you've felt a bit upset that by 39 (40/41 now) she hasn't got her life sufficiently sorted by now to buy something, given she has only ever had to look after herself up to now.

I don't think your situation is as simple as a rude DIL (even though she does sound rude). Maybe the tea situation was about you not asking her what she would like, or she has been in a similar with friends and instead had a glass of wine or anything really.

She may be your DIL because she is married to your son but if you had met in any other situation she would be your peer sue to both your ages.

I would have thanked my FIL. What people are reacting to is that OP was 100% discussing this as a DIL problem. People are just pointing out the son bears responsibility too. There seemed to be no expectation for a thanks for him whatsoever. Not pinning that on the son - just addressing OP's line of thinking.

That level of barking would be hard to fake!

But her son did say thank you.

Cross reported! Happy for MN to set the record straight.

To be fair, this is how it did come across. OP was upset because DIL hadn't said thank you. That's why people have been pointing out that OP's son is the main player she should have had that expectation of. Whatever the truth here, I think this incident, FIL's strong reaction to DIL's lack of thank you (which is actually a failure of his son), and that multiple posters have noticed it, means that this incident is food for thought for OP and it does raise the issue of this not being entirely one sided.

Since when does only one of a couple have to say thanks for a very personal baby gift? And since when does the other half get to completely rebuff and ignore her in-laws while acting completely normally with her friends at this party?

Some people are really reaching in their determination to make this a man's fault.

I've reported your post. MNHQ will verify I am not the OP.

She's been nasty the entire thread. No doubt now you'll be called "unhinged" too for daring to speak up against her.

With that DOB too.

10/10 for copy pasta there Olive.

OP,
I am surprised that you wouldn’t automatically feel/know that the onus was more on your child to say thank yous etc to you as their mum and dad. That comment seems strange I think most children even after they are in a couple interact most with their own parents.
Also you said your husband now wants nothing further to do with his DIL after both your son and your DIL failed to thank him for the stool.
That does seem strange why is he so angry with your DIL and not with your son?
The fact that they both popped in only yesterday seems to indicate that they were not aware there was so much tension between you all.
The withdrawing of the money being linked to your DIL behaviour rather than just a change in financial circumstances will most likely mean that the chances of either side rebuilding the relationship at any point in the future seems slight.
Also you are likely to have caused division between your son and his wife because he may blame her for the loss of the deposit.
I think don’t give money to people who don’t treat you well but this action today seems rash and saying something to deliberately cause division between your son and his wife is wrong.

This is you

*So son's dad is a carpenter and dad makes son something he's really pleased with himself about for his grandchild, gives it to his son wrapped up, son says thanks. It's not unwrapped there and then but then none of the gifts are. He doesn't call him later to say dad, I love that, his dads handiwork. Son says nothing about it.

What do son's mum and dad do about their sons lack of "manners" over dads handiwork?

Seethe and ruminate over how it's the woman's fault.

Ruminate on her to avoid noticing that their son didn't tell his dad how brilliant the Disney stool is. They don't like her anyway so it's convenient to blame her.

They focus on blaming her so much that when they pop in the trap is set and a funny look over an unwanted cup of tea is enough to peak their rumination into a search for the ultimate punishment.

I don't think your son cares about the Disney stool. I think he cares about it as much about as he cares about your money*

An entirely made up story that suits your agenda for some reason...you then were caught out on another thread by OP stating that you wouldn't be bothered to listen to anyones health problems. Yet you have goaded and goaded OP through the entire thread. You talk of them "setting a trap" with the cup of tea. Now seriously, how dare you call me "unhinged".

MairSS you missed out calling the DIL rude too.

My goodness how nasty

OP has she only been with your son for about a year and already have a child? I'd be waiting to see if the relationship lasts before gifting a deposit to them. If they were to split up your son would lose half of the gift. I'd have a private chat with your son. I'd tell him I find his wife rude and as she will talk to her friends but not you it's clearly personal with her. I'd tell him you've decided to wait to see if this relationship will last before gifting a deposit to them. I'd ask him to check she was actually taking medication as I know a person with the same condition who does not always take her medication as does not like side effects. I'd also ask your son when he takes DC out for a walk he calls you and you can meet him out.

And yet sad MIL you finally came to the conclusion half an hour ago that I pointed out this morning. That they will be relieved the money has gone away and they don't have that hanging over them.

I knew that before it dawned on you, you've had to have people like me with "nothing of value to add* tell you what was staring you in the face all along.

A situation I can't grasp!

I know why you don't like me.