Struggling with DIL

@rowanoak

OF COURSE, if she’s beautiful than their relationship must be rock solid…

If you can't afford to give generously, then don't give. By generously, I mean, the money should not be conditional on past behaviours or perceived slights.

If this really was the conversation you had, prepare for your relationship to get a whole lot trickier.

I agree here, and I think that's been some of the issue with the responses you've received, OP.

It's less an issue of good manners being 'old fashioned' - I also set a store by these, although I do acknowledge that my idea of good manners may will differ from that of others - than the assumption that issuing thanks, the domain of the gift in itself, interaction between families on both sides etc., always falls to the woman.

It's an assumption that's so ingrained we don't always even recognize it's there. It's noticeable because I have no interest in doing what MN refers to as Wifework, and I don't do wifework: my husband is a sentient, intelligent human being who's more than capable of picking up his own life admin.

Coupled with that is your own acknowledgement that your DiL is struggling at present, to the extent that some of the standards we might expect others to live up to might, out of compassion, be overlooked. Bipolar is no minor diagnosis. It's a psychosis - easy to confuse with schizophrenia hence difficult to diagnose - and is serious enough to carry with it a significantly increased suicide risk.

It's not so simple as 'She was rude!' She's ill.

This is no walk in the park to live with, either, especially with the care of a young baby. You sound as though you raised a good son. He's loyal to her and won't discuss her private torment - and torment is what it is.

I think you could cut them both a bit of slack, considering what they have to live with. But yes, in view of all the above, your son does carry the bulk of the obligation to his parents. It might not be forgotten if you make things even more difficult at such a time, as opposed to trying to make it easier.

And when it comes to the latter sentence, I know what I'm talking about. I had in-laws who made every tragedy in my life all about them. Whether others stepped in to ease the grief and offer practical support, they seemed to go all out to make a horrible time even worse than it already was.

The relationship has never recovered.

LOL so all you ladies defending OP... if you had a MIL who had misgivings about you from the beginning because you dared to happen to be 9 years older than your husband, attractive and you got pregnant together quickly and both decided to have the baby together, and yet your MIL (and apparently FIL) feel you trapped your husband by, you know, having very consensual relations with him that resulted in a baby of both of your making, AND who uses money as a manipulative tactic to control you and tries to guilt trip your husband into divulging your private medical information and complaining about you to her or getting you in line for her and, when that doesn't work, then takes the "gift" she had previously announced away just because you didn't drink her tea and didn't fawn enough over your PILs and their gift at your own child's big milestone first year party... you would seriously drink the tea with a big fake smile on your face thanking her profusely for the stool? Wow. I seriously hope you would NOT do those things and if so, IMO that is just pathetic.

Just because older generations of women raised their own daughters to be doormats and pushovers under the guise of "good manners" doesn't mean the younger generations should have to keep up this farce. Anyone who has such a disrespectful view of me or who tries to lord money over my head doesn't get the pleasure of having me or my child in their life. And any man I decided to raise a child with and marry would be on board because he would know my values and position on things and would know that I don't entertain relationships with people who have negative views of me (I mean, who would do that?? that would be crazy) and he took vows to put me first and would not want to subject me or our child to someone who would have such negative and disdainful views of me.

My husband and I are raising our own kids with these same values and I would be so proud of my daughter if she rejected the tea, stool and money of a MIL like this (or anyone who thought so little of her) when clearly there are expectations and conditions attached to these "gifts" (which aren't really gifts even, just "promises" of gifts that can be broken if she doesn't please them enough.) It's a shame so many women feel they have to debase themselves in the name of "faaaaamily" when TRUE family loves, accepts and supports you.

Anyone who thinks I entrapped their son and that gifts can be revoked for not falling at their feet enough is NOT my family and I do NOT have to thank them for their manipulative treatment of me, nor do I have to have them in my life at all. I don't care that I happen to be related to them by marriage, or blood- I already have a loving supportive spouse as well as other relatives and good friends who are like family to me because they TREAT me like family, and vice versa, so I don't need people in my life who are going to drag me down instead of raise me up, and again, vice versa, as I would not be able to respect someone who acted like these PILs do and would have no interest in a relationship with someone I don't respect and who obviously don't respect me.

Those of you who haven't tried self-respect should try it sometime, it is very freeing. But don't be so busy condemning other women who have self-respect as selfish dumb cows that you forget to give it a try yourself, because you just might find that you like it. ;)

I disagree @Luxell934.
Firstly unless you're extremely wealthy no decision to gift £50k is petty. For many people this would represent significant savings set aside as a one off to help their child. In which case it's extremely sensible to weigh up surrounding factors. Which may include a judgement on whether you wish a partner to benefit from that gift.
Secondly, its poor advice to tell someone with the courage of their convictions, prepared to own their decision that they should instead take the cowardly approach of lying about their reasons. What would that solve? The DiLs behaviour and OPs reaction to it is what has cost the family this money. Her son should be aware of that, so he can decide for himself the rights and wrongs of it.
From OPs update he 'understands' so I think its a bit of a reach to talk about the OP losing him over it. That's just wishful thinking on some posters' behalf.

Can’t you see it’s not about the money though?
The money wasn’t even included in OPs first post. The money was a power ploy to get her DIL looking like some entitled gold digger. When she clearly states that she offered the money willingly. DIL didn’t beg her for money.

I don’t think anyone thinks OP should give them the 50k now.

If OP and her husband aren’t comfortable gifting them the money then that’s more than their decision.

I think people had a problem with her offering the money freely and willingly, then ringing up her son to say actually I’m not giving you the money now because of the DIL.

This makes the OP look petty, she should of said circumstances have changed for us but we’d still be able to help in other ways, moving day, child care etc etc

But now OP has probably put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship. She’s cut off her nose to spite her face.

Who said anything about them separating? OP said her son is smitten with his beautiful wife. And that he said wouldn't discuss her feelings or mental health with her. Good for the son! He sounds like someone who is in love with his wife and the mother of his child. Not someone who wants to separate from her. I think OP was already clearly on thin ice with them and now she just sunk her own ship.

She got pregnant after a few weeks?

Was it planned?

Unfortunately anchor babies are a thing that some women use. We women are not all 100% well intentioned all the time. The child is innocent though and you clearly love them - they shouldn't be made to pay for what will probably be a short term relationship.

Glad that you've decided to put the money into a trust fund for the child. Helping your DS and DIL buy a house will tie them further together - that may end up not being desirable.

And all those people say the DIL doesn’t want or need the money…well she can’t be that well off otherwise she would have bought a house herself by now wouldn’t she

I know right! Woman pops out baby she can literally do no wrong!

middle aged woman beyond child rearing years on the other hand…basically is at fault for everything and should only exist to support and facilitate others.

being treat like shit Op?! Who cares?! Hand over to ‘em all your money!

according to lots of people on here anyway

Gifts should never be given with any expectations or strings attached. If someone gives me (or my child) a gift and then gets butt hurt that I don't act appreciative about it, I'd rather them just not give it. In that case it was a gift for THEM, so they could receive praise, gratitude, fawning or whatever, and not really a gift for me (or my child).

Oh God, all your posts reveal such pettiness and jealousy, OP. If I was your DIL and had a MIL like that, I would cut her out of our lives. She could keep her money as I wouldn't want or need money from someone who didn't like me... or anyone at all. She could keep her weak gross tea, too! I would keep my sanity, my peace, my husband and our baby... far, far away from a MIL like that!

Woman behaves (consistently) badly, so it has to be the fault of a man or her MIL.

It's a rule for many mumsnetters it seems.
If the title and OP of this thread substituted MIL for DIL, suddenly the rudeness, blanking and lack of appreciation would be heinous.

Well this thread went mental didn't it? Some posters are really desperate for the OP to hand over a large amount of money to two people who don't really give a shit. Nah. The OP, her husband and DIL are all entitled not to like each other. When people don't like each other, it's best that large amounts of money aren't exchanged. Anyhow @SadMil I think keeping the money aside for your son and grandchild in the future is a really good idea. Just step back, it's sad but it is what it is. She was never going to let you in so at least you won't be mugs by handing over the dosh.

It’s so different I know. Just be nice, for your son’s sake. Hopefully the situation will improve over time. Good luck.

But the OP has known this woman for two years and she has always been like this. And how is OP to understand what might be going on with her DIL if it's never really spoken about, more hinted at?

It varies a lot. My brother's BPD has a very long cycle, and he avoids almost all social contact for years on end. When he starts to meet people again, it's invariably a sign that he's heading for a manic episode.

Into a family, older than your partner, only 9 years younger than his mum and getting pregnant early. She'll likely have felt judged at some point regardless as to how you behaved and anxiety festers. It's really hard to change a relationship and youve alot of expectations

The money is yours to dow it has you please but it's a strong message to offer and then retract that offer.

This is the mother of your grandchild. Worth thinking about.

I wasn't going to post on this as OP clearly isn't open to opinions she doesn't like. When you post on AIBU sometimes you have to expect people might actually think you're being unreasonable.

OP I think you have expectations that are causing you issues. Your attitude has been more transparent the further through the thread and it utterly contradicts how you describe yourself. You don't come across as warm and inviting at all.

It very much sounds like she's awkward. It's not easy coming

I agree. I was sympathetic in the beginning, esp about the gift as it wouldn't have hurt to make a phone call and acknowledge the gift, or send a photo of DGC sat on/next to the stool. It sounds like a really thoughtful gift, and my grandfather did the same for my first birthday. I still have it today and all of my DC and their friends enjoyed it in their early years. It's my heirloom for my future DGC.

But since then, your posts have taken on a nasty tone OP.
It's clear that you don't like your DIL, and haven't approved of her for some time.

Nonetheless, together with your DS, they have formed a family. This is your DS's priority now, for the sake of his DC. Of course, DIL should not be rude to you, but equally, she is not obliged to drink tea that she didn't ask for (or did, FFS, it's a cup of tea!). You cannot control her behaviour, but you can control how you respond to her.

Continuing on the path that you are all on, will affect your relationship with DS and DGC, if you don't do something to sort it out now. And given your description of your DIL's behaviour, it sounds like you are going to have to be the one to start the ball rolling.

Or, your contact with them will diminish dramatically as time goes on.

Communication is EVERYTHING.

What do you think multiple means 🤣 you’ve actually had a lot of people give you good arguments and you’ve just been defensive and obstructive back. I’m the only one whose acted like I have 😂 It seems you’ve had quite a bit of confusion there.

Have a lovely Monday, Olive xoxo

okay, but if we go with this scenario, why is the son making his wife do the baby drop offs, in law pop ins, etc if she does have mental health issues and is not in any good shape to be visiting/entertaining/etc.
Some blame DIL, some blame OP. We know next to nothing about either of them.
With just as much info on him as them, it is entirely possible that DS is playing two sides against the middle for whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want to visit his parents or take the kid to see them, etc and is starting fights before them visit. Waking her up or stopping her doing something to go visit his parents. Maybe she doesn't even know that they recieved a present from the FIL. He wouldn't be the first man to take something into his hands, put it down on a table or shelf or in a drawer and then say absolutely nothing to his spouse about it.
While we all conjecture, let's add in another person who may be involved in this dynamic.

Thanks Psychonabike.

You see, AnkleSpray, you could have made your point like this, instead of being deliberately unpleasant.

guessing is not fact

Wow. One of the nastiest and most intellectually bankrupt posts I've ever seen on here.

Given the OP’s attitude as the thread has progressed, I think this is a situation where it would be interesting to hear from the DIL.