Struggling with DIL

Absolutely @5128gap A successful in-law relationship does involve compromise and tolerance - showing these qualities does not mean being a doormat. Choosing this more subtle path rather than an assertive/aggressive attitude can be more positive and productive.

OP - I wouldn't give them the money either. Good manners cost nothing, and I certainly wouldn't be pandering to her.

I get on great with my DIL and SIL, and I would t be rude to them - nor would I put up with them being rude to me.

Hang on to the money - you don't know what's going to happen in your son's relationship. Your DIL sounds like hard work.🙂

I'm not sure that anyone harbouring that level of anger that they project it on to this situation can make a great anything tbh unless they do a little work on themselves first.
Some people really struggle to differentiate between assertiveness and aggression. They believe that unless they're stridently proclaiming their rights at every hands turn and showing everyone they're in charge, they are being subjugated.
In reality its far more nuanced than that. The most successful relationships involve compromise and tolerance. Being so 'assertive' you see those things as weaknesses rather than the life skills they are, and so blinkered by your own perspective you project it on to everyone else does not make for happy relationships.
If you have good relations with your children's partners, I'm willing to bet they're not rooted in any of you adopting the aggressive attitude I referenced.

That's true, but it's interesting to see from both sides.

Just because you are a MIL does not mean you cant be a batshit DIL.

Well I think DIL sounds very rude. If I were too swept up in a party to thank relatives for a potential heirloom of a handmade gift, I would at least call or text (yes, myself, to my ILs!) apologising and thanking profusely.

It could be partly down to her MH, but if she's nice to others at a party and still excluding the ILs, then it's obviously something to do with them. It could be as simple as a (real or perceived) slight or misstep that would have been all but forgotten by a healthier psyche, but has instead been catastrophised and has DIL looking for further signs they hate her.

While it's true that the ILs aren't owed DIL's feelings or medical records, it makes it very hard for them to then give her grace or assurances in turn.

Knowing that my parents can be very discreet, I would honestly break confidence and swear them to secrecy in DS's unenviable position.

I would stop going out of your way with her.
Maybe just go through your son instead.
If she visits, be polite but basic.
Treat people the way they treat you.
She's rude and ignorant. No amount of mental health issues stops you from thanking someone for a gift!

She might be a great MIL. I think having so many issues with my own MIL has helped me learn how to be a good MIL. We have good relationships and I respect them as adults in their own right and don't interfere, take over, or impose my wants on their lives.

@rowanoak
I hope for your sake you mellow as you get older, because its women with the attitudes in your post, intransient, entitled, controlling, belligerent, upholding only your 'rights' but none of your responsibilities, that are the MiLs from hell of the future.
If you can't move past this level of judgement of other women based on nothing more than their generation, I think you're going to have a very tough time indeed when the boots on the other foot and you're the older generation. You may find your own D/SiLs think 'the pleasure of your company' is something of an oxymoron.

Some of us DILs are also MILs.

Totally. Get in line and invite and host those ILs. Cook, tidy and run around after them when they are visiting. Don't be assertive. Don't have your own wants and expectations or, god forbid, boundaries. No rules for your own children if the ILs want to do something you disagree with. If you do a good job your ILs will tell you what a great host their son is. If they aren't happy with something, or your husband doesn't fill one of his responsibilities, you'll be blamed. Because you are the woman and your role is to serve. (Well, this is how my ILs seemed to approach things.)

Eventually this DIL got sick of it and told DH he could handle his own family invites and hosting. Been a few years since we've seen them when he was left to it.

Lesson: When your DIL is making all the effort, don't push her away.

I think this thread would have gone very differently if someone had posted about a MIL who barely looked at them and was very distant. This place is not confidential OP. There’s every chance of this thread coming to your DILs attention. I would advise you to try to get it taken down.

Well this thread has certainly brought out all the batshit DIL's 😂

I have found that my own in-laws expect so much more from me (female) than my family do from my DH. In fact they actually seem to expect more from me than their son...why? Because I'm female?

In a short word, yes.

Are they? It should be pretty obvious - at least since the update about the telephone call - that that ship has sailed. It's now a question of damage limitation; of trying not to let the relationship disintegrate any further than it already has.

Many of the posts - at least aside from the ridiculous in-fighting that's derailed the thread - are variations on how to achieve this.

Unfortunately, if the rot sets in any further OP is the one with most to lose. DiL is the mother of her grandchild. That's simply the way it is.

That’s an interesting way of looking at it - that the gift was really for them. The way I read it was that maybe spending lots of time and effort on creating a gift was this man’s way of showing he cared about his grandchild, so I could see why - if that were the case - it would hurt not to have that acknowledged. (To reiterate, it wouldn’t hurt enough to cut someone off because of it - I don’t understand that reaction at all - and it certainly wouldn’t hurt more coming from my S/DIL than my actual child.)

I phrased it clumsily by saying it was fair to expect gratitude, but I stand by the assertion that thanking someone for something they’ve done for us is always the right thing to do: even if it doesn’t mean anything to us, surely we can at least appreciate the fact that they thought we were worth the time they invested in it.

@rowanoak

i love how you’re on about not wanting women to be door mats and then advocating that Op just sucks it up and hands over her money to someone who really doesn’t treat her well!
can you really not see the irony?!

Apologies for crossed wires. I feel exactly the same as you.

Did lead me to thinking, though, what would happen in someone's marriage if the partners were diametrically opposed like this!

It comes back to the assumption that life admin, even Ps and Qs, is automatically 'wife work'. There are interesting linguistic studies into women using the words 'please' and 'thank you' far more often than men. We apologise and use defensive language more than men do, too.

I tried a little experiment with this, and tried to modify my own language to be more conversant with the speech of a man. I've noticed other colleagues in my workplace doing the same thing (we are a university English department, to explain the context!) and watched the results with interest.

There is pushback - not altogether overt because you're actively looking for it - but it's there. Sometimes it's subtle. Sometimes a woman will receive accusations of rudeness of bolshiness which in men would be seen as assertive. When I asked men to stop talking over me in a meeting, there was a palpable sense of bewilderment - and probably the sense that I wasn't being as polite as a woman should.

It's HARD conditioning to unpick, and when you start, people really don't like it.

That's an aside to this thread, but it's relevant. Family consternation is almost always the woman's fault - that is because a different set of expectations is placed on women than men.

You sound so nice op- wish you were my MIL. This behaviour is unacceptable, whatever her state of mind. My own sister has similar issues with her DIL, she is so supportive but only gets a bad attitude and mood swings from her in return. It is such a difficult situation.

My comment wasn't about the money, it was about the thank you for the stool.

I'd be mortified if I was offered 50,000 by anyone. My main concern was it robs me of a sense of achieving something on my own. Unless someone is very, very rich, that is too much to give away IMO.

She’s horrible and deserves nothing from you. I expect once she learns she’s not getting a cash gift, she’ll do everything in her power to sever your son’s contact with you, so be prepared for that. Hopefully in time you’ll son will see the wood for the trees.

Wouldn't you? I've been independent all my adult life and couldn't even contemplate accepting this amount of money from anyone. It would make me deeply uncomfortable. It carries obligations that might not even be immediately apparent at the time. And if ever I dared say 'no' to something, there's a possibility this sense of heavy obligation would get in the way of that, or hang over us, or that we'd even be issued a reminder.

I don't like being under any obligation; not even implicitly.

The question is moot as DH and I never been offered it, and are never likely to be. I also strongly suspect that DH would feel precisely the same as I do about the situation: not least because we don't need it, and are probably better off financially than his parents (mine are dead).

If he felt a different inclination, and I was so strongly against, there'd be an interesting impasse in our marriage.

Jesus @rowanoak do you feel better now that's off your chest? Nah, it would be so much more doormatty for the OP to try harder with the DIL. I mean, I'm clever enough to read what the OP actually wrote. You are mentioning the 3 solid examples OP gave and building a narrative around them. Which is a little simple is it not? If you would be proud of your daughters for treating someone dear to their partner badly for no reason (and plenty people do) then there is little I can say to you. Funny how you build a narrative slating OP yet the DIL is an innocent in all of this 😁 OP has made the right decision to step back. Good for her. More people should have the same self respect and boundaries. Now step away cos that post was all kinds of batshit.