Struggling with DIL

I'm fairly new to MN and I'm absolutely stunned that people who don't agree with someone would actually find the time to trawl through their posting history to weaponise it against them. I'm also pretty stunned that the OP has screenshot PPs posts on other threads. Is it always like this?
Christ, it's like being back at school.

To the OP, having RTFT, I am struggling to find sympathy with you now given your actions in withdrawing the offer of financial support and your general attitude towards your DIL (and select posters who don't agree with you). Unfortunately, I have absolutely no relationship with my MIL, or any of my ILs because they have made their disapproval of me plain and can't keep their mouths shut/attitudes appropriate when my DC are around. Very sadly, this now means that my 3 DC have no relationship with them either.
I'm sad for my youngest DC, but my older two have made their own minds up based on my MILs previous behaviours. It has caused problems in my marriage previously, but ultimately my DH can also see the issues MIL has brought and he has chosen to minimise his contact with her too. Sad all-round.
You might want to think about what is more important, being "right", or being part of your GCs life.

No I won't. You'll see all those posters have come after me because I so dared to disagree or point out that they were blatantly just making stuff up. I am allowed to defend myself. I notice you didn't say anything to all the ones who are also 'derailing' the thread. Why is that?

Do you think you could be so good as to stop derailing this thread with your incessant spats with other posters? Not least the frequent digressions into their posting history, trailing them on this and other threads to ‘prove’ whatever petty point you’re trying to make.

No one cares.

It’s also long ago passed the point of being tedious beyond belief for others to read. The PP above was quite right about how this is making you come across.

Times like this I wish this site had a block feature!

Patronising much?! Who put you in charge?

Aren't you the poster who goaded and harassed OP all day yesterday? Yes, the person who said good manners were old fashioned.

I was the poster who wrote multiple so I do think I know what I was thinking when I wrote it, read what you’re responding to properly darling xxxx

Its not making it up when we can all see on this thread you’ve had arguments with multiple posters.

I’ve not had posts delete either, wowie what an achievement for us both.

A woman holding a large sum over my daughter's head all her life when she doesn't like me seems intended to distress me by coming between us.

Well, yes. This isn't a point that occurred to me before. The poster who responded that it would be none of a DiL's business if someone gave a monetary gift to their adult child has a point, too.

The issue here is that OP has already proved the 'gift' is conditional. It might well be withdrawn if said grandchild doesn't kiss up to them enough. There is now, after all, a precedent for that behaviour. DGC won't be a cute baby forever. What happens when she's 15 and being cheeky? When she grows to adulthood and develops a mind and opinions of her own?

We've seen upthread how OP responds to opinions she doesn't happen to like. Her DiL has seen so through her recent actions, too.

On reflection, I agree with the poster who originally raised this point. It's manipulative, and appears calculated to cause issues in that marriage. The money is OP's to do as she wants with - as I'm sure she would protest - but surely if that reasoning is applied then DiL is at liberty to decline it.

At present, it is her business. Because she is the child's mother. And if I have sympathy with OP's son - which I do - it's not only because of the difficulty his wife's illness will invariably cause them, but because his own parents are putting him in an untenable position.

Poor bloke!

Op - who knows whether she means to block you out or be unkind to you. Who knows whether you don’t approve and have let it show on your face.
What matters now is how you move forward from this. Deep breath, try and think clearly. You want a relationship with your DIL, which will mean more/easier access to your grandchild, which looks like it may take a bit of work. I think it might be time to go directly to her, tell her that, say you want to include and be included by her. Be gentle and prepared to forgive/overlook behaviour.
IF that’s what you want. I think you do, as you wouldn’t be ‘sadmil’ otherwise.

The big picture is having a happy family. It’s worth trying. None of us here know the subtleties of your relationship with her and your son so we would be all speculating who’s in the wrong. In any case it nearly doesn’t matter. Try and reframe things and move things on from here. You may end up fond of her in time to come.

Yes @TheBlinkOfAnEye I think your points are fair. Hopefully the posters full of anger will, like you, also mellow a little and realise there is a mid point between passive and aggressive which is where true assertiveness lies.

Yes, so it IS conditional, and therefore wrong to offer it in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame her for for not wanting to give her DIL that she doesn't get on with 50k, but my point is she shouldn't have offered it if it was only on the condition that the DIL 'behaves herself'. Anything could have happened in the years after the money was given, DIL or son could have an affair, DIL or Son could cut them out of their lives for any reason, she would be entitled to half of it in the event of a divorce either way, the life of a mortgage is 25-30 years, how many people stay married that long?

If the money was to put a stable roof over son and GC heads as she says then it shouldn't matter a jot if DIL is rude, that's not why the money was offered. I'm pretty sure there will be legal ways to protect that money, or alternatives, but OP isn't interesting in exploring options, she's flounced and rescinded the offer 'because she can'. If I was her son I'd be quite upset by the whole thing, it's not actually his fault or GC fault, they're very much being punished for this. The offer has very much been rescinded to show DIL who's in charge.. but to what end? I'd hazard a guess that she's hoping to cause a rift between them.

Ultimately who the son is with is his decision to make, basically the mother is saying if she doesn't approve of them, then she won't give him the money, that IS controlling, she's fundamentally saying she's got 50k to give him, but while he's with DIL and DIL is acting 'rude' to them he can't have it. It's disgusting.

IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN OFFERED!

I think it’s fine not to give the money - it sounds like it was a hasty offer that wasn’t thought through.

but I am surprised that they are setting up a trust fund for this one baby. Who knows how many more grandchildren will come along - can OP afford to set up a £50k trust fund for each?

surely she would be best just holding the money and using it for the children’s benefit over the years. That removes the danger of it being frittered away by an immature teenager. Expenses may come up before 18 - a tutor if there are struggles at school. An expensive hobby and the grandparents would like to help out with. A car at 17. University fees.

man’s what if their son goes on the have five more children? With this partner or with another?

i don’t think a financial advisor would agree that a trust fund is the way to go in these circumstances.

I'm giving my next generation a leg up!

I think I would be upset if someone that didn't like me and didn't like me being married to her son started announcing her intentions to give my daughter a huge lump sum at 18 without any consultation or discussion with me. It all seems rather ostentatiously a display of dominance.

It's not her dil business who she leaves her money to. Pay off university fees or put a deposit on a flat or travel the world. Why would you want to stop the next generation from getting a leg up?

I was thinking on this and I actually think I'd have posted about my MIL in a fashion that wouldn't have reflected how I was with her IRL. I was a very young mum, no-one to support me or guide me about the fact I had a DH problem, not a MIL problem as such. I'm sure I'd have posted in a venting manner because I was overwhelmed with a domineering MIL with no regard for me, and no idea what to do about it. I was also a people pleaser, so that really made it hard to stand up for myself.

I did grow up and realise that I didn't have to allow people to treat me that way. I did learn how to handle these situations. I wish Mumsnet had been there for me. I'm sure it would have helped.

It hasn't impacted my being a MIL one bit. People mellow as they get older, learn different ways to communicate, and learn they have the right to stand up for themselves. Granted OP's DIL is twice the age I was and I'd learned those lessons by then.

Aggressive posting might just be frustration and overwhelm showing and isn't a reflection of how you deal with someone IRL.

I can't help but feeling that the OP is digging a deeper hole for herself with the new gift to this woman's daughter.

I think I would be upset if someone that didn't like me and didn't like me being married to her son started announcing her intentions to give my daughter a huge lump sum at 18 without any consultation or discussion with me. It all seems rather ostentatiously a display of dominance.

OP said it is a lot of money for them. There's absolutely no need to promise this to a baby. There could be more babies, the baby could end up growing up in Australia for example.

A woman holding a large sum over my daughter's head all her life when she doesn't like me seems intended to distress me by coming between us.

I've promised my kids deposits. I'm not managing and reviewing the terms on an ongoing basis.

The promise is there to be drawn down as and when they want it. I wouldn't use it to undermine them and their families.

I think the OP is entirely within her rights to withdraw the money but to make the reason for it her DIL’s behaviour and communicate that to her son is wrong and manipulative and guaranteed to create issues for the couple.
That does demonstrate that it is now more about the OP’s agenda and is a move that is designed to cause division between a couple who are apparently very happy and they have only fairly recently had a child. She is trying to punish her DIL through her son and possibly hoping that her son blames his wife for the loss of the money.

The OP has reviewed her decision about the money in light of events she wasn't party to when she made the offer.
It appears at the time her DiLs behaviour was different and she had no real concerns about her. She was happy to include this woman in her generosity to her son before her DiL showed this side of her character.
While it hasn't been explicitly said by the OP, if my DiL suddenly started revealing this sort of behaviour then I wouldn't be able to help but wonder if there may be an impact on their relationship sooner or later, which would make me very cautious about cutting her in on money I could otherwise give entirely to my son and GC. Not to mention the natural human reluctance to give a large gift to someone you feel treats you badly. There must be some very altruistic people on this thread if they would do otherwise.

The cup of tea thing is interesting, I would never make someone a drink without asking if they wanted one, even if they had one every time, they may be in a hurry that day or fancy something colder in the warm weather. I think she was most definitely making a point that you shouldn't be making decisions FOR her, and could well be a more accurate snapshot of the dynamics of your relationship with her then you realise TBH.

There's obviously another side to this that we aren't privvy to but I think some of the examples you're giving are just examples of you not getting on that well, nothing more than that, it could even be that you've always had an 'active' role in your sons life, and tbh that can be quite overbearing for a partner who is quite independent, I had a similar thing with my PIL when I got together with DH, they were so used to being involved in decision making with DH that they struggled with the fact that I didn't need or want them to make decisions for me too and I actively had to push back a few times to establish new boundaries, they are lovely people and it wasn't their fault, it was just what they were used to doing, I love them like my own parents now but I think part of it is because I was able to have frank and open conversations with them, not just seeth about it behind their backs, honesty and communication has always been important to me, and I like to see people I care about happy, but not everyone thinks beyond the end of their own nose unfortunately, she sounds very unforgiving.

It sounds like you've never reached an understanding between you, either because you're both unable to accommodate each other's personalities or you just don't want to.

Where I DO think you're not only unreasonable but actually bang out of line is the money, you should never have offered to do this in the first place if it was a conditional offer, it's quite frankly disgusting and confirms to me that this is more about control than actually wanting to help them. To clarify, I would have never offered to do this in the first place, it's a minefield, there are so many other ways you could 'help' them if you really wanted to.

Yes, CIL can be a wonderful addition to the family.

I don't think I'd be immune from DIL issues though. Some of the things I see posted around here, "MIL won't look after my child full time while I work!" or "PIL won't give me money for a house deposit!" could cause issues for me. I'm not looking after anyone's child full time (emergencies excepted), I have my own life. And I couldn't give anyone a house deposit even if I wanted to.

Absolutely @TheBlinkOfAnEye - exactly my attitude to being a mother-in-law - live and let live -we sound like we feel similarly about our SILs too. I was so happy that my daughter found him.

No point in seeking conflict due to imaginary slights!

That poster has shared some crackers across a few threads this morning. Wrong side of the bed, I think.

Especially tolerance, I think. I think this is why I have good IL relationships. I just take people as they come. Don't read into their actions things that aren't there.

My SIL is everything I could have wanted for my daughter. Is he perfect? No. But neither am I. We just accept each other's quirks and get on with it.