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Original poster

Struggling with DIL

841 replies

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:20

I have a beautiful 13 month old grand child. I’m struggling with DIL and her moods. I totally understand she may feel stressed and tired but when she and son do visit, she often doesn’t speak or is abrupt or rude.

I haven’t overstepped any boundaries, always show an interest in both her and the baby and have been nothing other than supportive.

She organised a birthday party last month and when DH & I arrived she completely ignored us, didn’t even say hello, actively dismissed.

I spoke with son and he said it’s nothing personal she was just in one of her moods.

my husband had made a personalised wooden gift which was engraved. We didn’t even receive a thank you.

Yesterday they popped in and I made a cup of tea on arrival (she always has a cup of tea). She responded with ‘oh you’ve made me tea’. Put it on the side and didn’t drink it.

I’m totally aware she made be depressed and (or) struggling with mental health issues- DS has mentioned she needs medication. It’s obviously none of my business and she clearly doesn’t want to talk about anything which I respect, but this situation is causing my husband and I to feel upset and frustrated.

This is our only grand child and she doesn’t want anything to do with us. It makes me so sad.

should I just stop initiating any contact for a while?

OP posts:
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RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:24

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

My post was in response to this.

thecatinthetwat · 16/07/2023 10:24

Withdrawing your offer to help them buy a house is a very extreme reaction op. You can’t recover from that. Think that through very carefully.
btw, my DH does thank yous for his side of the family, if he forgets to, they blame me too, but it’s their ds who didn’t send them.

rwalker · 16/07/2023 10:23

Sorry but at 39 and unplanned pregnancy in weeks sounds like biological clock ticking and she wanted a baby
she always been standoffish with you as doubt she’s invest in your family
sounds like your son was means to an end
they’d be best off renting if they buy he could be out on his arse tied to a house he couldn’t live in and no chance of he another

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:23

Why? So DIL can treat her PIL like they're shit on her shoe and be financially rewarded for it? It doesn't have to be worded as an outright, "DIL, you're a horrible cow and I begrudge giving you a penny," you know.

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 10:22

That’s not shyness !! It’s blatantly rude behaviour. Op is correct in withdrawing the money. Sometime you have to have boundaries. You let people treat you by what to accept from them.

TheHandbag · 16/07/2023 10:21

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

@SheWontSheCantShesLeft has a point actually, maybe reduce the amount by half and say due to cost of living you can only afford x instead of y. So you still offer the cash and it's up to them whether they accept. Put the other half in an account in your name for your grandchildren.

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 10:21

Good for you op, don’t be manipulated !

WellThisWentWell · 16/07/2023 10:20

I wonder if she has anxiety, is shy, perhaps social anxiety, or maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem.
It kind of sounds more like that, rather than ’rude’ or ’spoilt’.

jeaux90 · 16/07/2023 10:19

OP before you throw a grenade on the deposit situation, is there a way you can try and clear the air with DIL?

Because honestly sometimes you just have to be direct. Have you been?

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 10:17

If you’ve already offered the money, then withdrawing the offer is a huge escalation. I would proceed with the money tbh.

Tourmalines · 16/07/2023 10:14

Don’t give them money . No way would I .

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:14

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:06

You can say unfortunately circumstances have changed.

Agree, I just spoken to my husband and he’s in agreement that we put the money in a trust fund for our grand child rather than gifting it to them.

OP posts:
Munches · 16/07/2023 10:09

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:38

This behaviour is awful and I say that as a DIL
ignoring you and not thanking you for a special gift is pure bad manners

I agree. Mental health or not , that’s just very ignorant and bad manners.

And before anyone jumps on me: I have a severe anxiety disorder amongst other mental illnesses and cannot work.

For all my symptoms, feelings and struggles- this has never prevented me from using any manners.

TheHandbag · 16/07/2023 10:08

No more helping them out financially, she's an ill mannered & manipulative user.
She is using her MH as an excuse to behave awfully towards you & imight ultimately drive a wedge between you all.
She doesn't treat her own family or friends like this, just you so she can control her moods when she feels like it.

Lock away spare cash in a long term deposit account so you're not tempted to help the ungrateful mare out.

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:06

You can say unfortunately circumstances have changed.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:04

InSpainTheRain · 16/07/2023 10:01

She sounds rude to be honest - especially if she is ok with friends but not with you and your DH. It's hard to see what else you can do, I think I would try to keep contact but be personally less invested. For example, you mentioned you have helped them financially - don't do it anymore, but perhaps put what you would have given into a fund for your grandchild. Make sure you have some other things in your life which are absorbing beyond your own family. I have actively done the latter myself recently and it does make a difference because the hurt caused to you by your DIL will fade a little bit and not be so important in your mind (like a self-protection mechanism you can say to yourself "ok, so DIL was rude, but I am looking forward to whatever event" to reduce the impact). I hope that makes sense, I can totally understand it's hard for you but it's about trying to reduce the effect she has on you.

Yes I agree, I think I need to try and be less invested. We had also agreed to gift them a large sum of money to help them buy a house (they’re renting at the moment), but to be honest I’m feeling more and more uncomfortable about this. I can’t very well retract that now though can I?

OP posts:
WeetabixTowels · 16/07/2023 10:04

SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:57

We do offer to babysit, sometimes we are taken up on this, other times not. She is very close to her mum who will babysit far more often (understandably) so they do seem to have time to themselves.

I honestly think some women feel being a good DIL is like cheating on their mum. I see this all the time and on MN!

RichardsGear · 16/07/2023 10:04

I wouldn't bother my arse with someone who can't demonstrate basic manners (when she's perfectly capable of being fine with her friends). Obviously wouldn't be rude myself but wouldn't go out of my way to make the effort. Cultivate your relationship with your granddaughter when your son has her - you said he takes her (the baby) out for a few hours so ask son if you can meet up with the pair of them then, or if he can bring her round.

Notmineagain · 16/07/2023 10:04

MargosMangos · 16/07/2023 09:41

Id Keep being supportive personally
She sounds like she's really struggling

Struggling to even say thank you?? Don't excuse rudeness.

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 10:02

Mariposista · 16/07/2023 09:56

What a brat! Your poor son, he's picked a charmer there!
MN usually think DIL are the holy grail and there is always an excuse for their bad behaviour, while MIL are the sport of satan who need to back off. But she sounds awful!

Well I obviously don’t share my concerns with my son but she fell pregnant within weeks of meeting, she’s very attractive. My son seems to be head over heels and she does seem to rule the roost. I also had reservations as she’s 39, my son is 30 so the possibility that she just wanted a baby has crossed my mind

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 16/07/2023 10:01

She sounds rude to be honest - especially if she is ok with friends but not with you and your DH. It's hard to see what else you can do, I think I would try to keep contact but be personally less invested. For example, you mentioned you have helped them financially - don't do it anymore, but perhaps put what you would have given into a fund for your grandchild. Make sure you have some other things in your life which are absorbing beyond your own family. I have actively done the latter myself recently and it does make a difference because the hurt caused to you by your DIL will fade a little bit and not be so important in your mind (like a self-protection mechanism you can say to yourself "ok, so DIL was rude, but I am looking forward to whatever event" to reduce the impact). I hope that makes sense, I can totally understand it's hard for you but it's about trying to reduce the effect she has on you.

VivaVivaa · 16/07/2023 10:01

What’s her family like? Are her parents local and as supportive as you guys?

AssertiveGertrude · 16/07/2023 09:59

No way would I help them financially! Also your son is letting her be this way so I would be very disappointed in him too. She sounds spoilt

Original poster
SadMil · 16/07/2023 09:57

We do offer to babysit, sometimes we are taken up on this, other times not. She is very close to her mum who will babysit far more often (understandably) so they do seem to have time to themselves.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 16/07/2023 09:56

What a brat! Your poor son, he's picked a charmer there!
MN usually think DIL are the holy grail and there is always an excuse for their bad behaviour, while MIL are the sport of satan who need to back off. But she sounds awful!