Struggling with DIL

I am sorry, but this does sound like a possibility. I wouldn't be letting them get a house together as with a child in the mix, he could come off worse.

I cannot remember if you said, but are they married or just living together?

I disageee the son doesn't need this added pressure right now

Sounds as though you didn't like her/questioned her motives from day one. She probably knows this and that's why she's stand-offish.

Your son is a grown man! Didn't he thank you for the engraved gift?

With the money, if you want to help with deposit then you need to have a deed of trust making it very clear that is your/your sons money and if they sell the house he will get that deposit back. Although if they're married that will be nul and void as it will count as a marital asset- you'd need to be on the lease/freehold as a joint owner to protect the money.
I'd rather put it in trust for grandson, but equally no guarantee an 18 year old boy won't blow that on a boozy drug filled gap year!

Re - DIL - she might just be an unfriendly cow. She's given me (the media portrayal of) Megan markle vibes.
However, as a DIL it's easy to feel like you're just seen as a baby making machine. When you offer to help as well as baby sitting I would say is there anything we can do in the house so that you can enjoy time with baby like take a bag of laundry away or bring some food over? I always feel like offers of 'help' from my Ex'a mum involve taking baby away from me, which I don't want, but help from my friends and own family is chores or meals which makes me feel like they care about ME and me bonding with my baby, which of course makes me more keen to have them over than exMIL who expects me to entertain her and make her coffee etc.

As baby gets older and is a toddler you can have time with the child without seeing as much of DIL, take him out to the park or do a school pick up once a week etc - she might just not enjoy your company that much (again rude and not a good partner to your ds if she doesn't make the effort despite this) but this is who he's chosen to be with.

Criticising her to your son will make him more defensive of her so it's not a good idea if you can avoid it, but just make sure he knows he is loved and supported and he can always talk to you about any worries he has

She was stand offish and moody but nowhere near the same extent

Mental health issues don't excuse appalling behaviour. I've been (severely) depressed and still managed a please and thank you!

She's fucking rude!!

I don't think he did. But DIL is getting blamed for not having received thanks. This is the part I disagree with OP about. Why does her son get off because he's a man? Also, did her son step up to include them at the party? Is that also only on DIL? I know when I'm running parties I acknowledge everyone, but I'm also busy running the party, so limited time to talk much.

She sounds absolutely horrendous and you have done nothing wrong.

I thought the son had said thank you, it was just the DIL that hadn’t, but yes, he needs to say thank you too!

Oh I didn’t read the bit about the deposit. I would absolutely sit them down and say that whilst she is being so moody and rude towards you, you don’t feel comfortable givfting them a deposit. She can’t have it both ways!

Not thanking you for the gift is so incredibly rude, your son should be pulling her up on that.

Why? Is the son mute? Can't he thank his parents?

From your original post it sounds like you disapproved of her from the start. I can't imagine that didn't come across or that she didn't get an inkling of that. Your posts here seem to indicate this strongly. Unless she's really worrisome in her behaviour, she is your son's partner and your grandson's mother.

The post doesn't give us a lot to go on. Not speaking to you a lot when there are lots of other people there and not thanking you for a gift doesn't seem like big enough things to know there is a deep problem. Not speaking to someone because they haven't thanked you for a gift just seems silly to me. Yes she maybe shouldn't have said something but maybe she thought her partner had and without knowing what the gift is it's hard to judge. Maybe it wasn't the kind of gift she thought appropriate or something, who knows? It could be that she has resentments of her own built up.

But if you feel in your heart there is a real problem, maybe you need a proper conversation with your son. Or maybe just say something directly along the lines of you feel she might be avoiding you a bit and you hope you haven't offended her in any way. Perhaps then she might open up?

I had a nightmare mother in law. I stepped back. This doesn’t sound like you. I just wouldn’t push it. It sounds like it could be mental health related. I think it would be good if you could offer to baby sit so your son and daughter in law can go out and you can get time with the baby. Also is your son the type to give her a break and bring the baby round to see you? If he is quite easy going he may not stand up to her which could be another issue.

Not thanking you for the gift is so incredibly rude, your son should be pulling her up on that.

It sounds like she just hasn’t ever really liked you (and it’s probably nothing that you’ve done) so you may not ever win her around. Hopefully she’ll grow up and make a bit of effort for your GC’s sake. Otherwise, ask your son if he can bring the baby over once a week for a few hours and let DIL ‘rest’ (that’ll probably go down like a lead balloon but ultimately even if she doesn’t like you, she should not be stopping your son and GC from having a relationship with you)

Or, sit her down and tell her everything you’ve said here and see what she says. To be fair she’s being rude so you may as well have it out with her and try and clear the air moving forwards.

Sad reading :(

its too important a relationship to give up, I’d start by talking with your son to explain the hurt you are both feeling. Ask if there is anything you have done, or snything you can do to make it ok

she sounds awful, but hang in there for a while, your son sure as hell needs you xx

Is it possible that what you see as support, she sees as overstepping and interference?

Your son could have said thank you for the gift, so that's on him too. Can't blame DIL just for that.

I'd be careful about gifting a deposit. If they split up, she'll get half of that. I think you can change your mind and say you've decided to invest it for the grandchildren instead, or circumstances have changed. It happens.

I hope things work out in time for you all to have a good relationship.

Did your DS show appreciation to his dad for the present? Did he include you both at the party and make sure you were welcome?

I know it’s easier said than done, but you should try to focus on your relationship with your DS and your GC, and less on your DIL. I don’t mean actively exclude her but I do mean seek out opportunities for connection via your DS, rather than concentrating on the currently strained relationship with your DIL.

Can’t you just be honest with your DS and explain what you have on here? Although he says “it’s not personal” it clearly is and I would be pointing this out ie not behaving like this when she is with others.

Just a thought but do you think the baby is his? Maybe she knows otherwise and is keeping you at arms length through guilt?

I think you need to accept it for what it is. They are not going to change.
Be polite and interested but invest less in the relationship.

Your son says she's in one of her moods and needs medicated? 🚩🚩🚩

Spare money!

I wouldn't give them a penny, tbh. I think your son will end up leaving her at some point so I'd save your money for then. Don't feel obliged to put it into a fund for your granddaughter unless it really is spare oney.

Ffs !

You've obviously done or said something to piss her off (could be totally unintentionally) and your son doesn't want to tell you himself what it is.

I'd leave her to it personally, she's sounds like one of these people who holds long grudges over little things.

Just keep interacting normally with her, your son and grandchild and ignore her attitude.

But that's not on the DIL, is it? Why is her place and wrong doing if she doesn't say thank you? Why can't her husband, the baby's father and their son, be responsible for saying thank you?

Apart from this, which I think your son should be held responsible for, it doesn't sound like she's behaving very well.

I wouldn't be 'gifting' a large amount of money for a house to someone who was so openly and blatantly rude to me, especially if you think the marriage won't survive. Because she'll get the money and the house. The trust fund idea for the grandchild is a much better idea.