Struggling with DIL

I have a similar situation with my DIL. I know I’ve done nothing to offend—always careful not to overstep boundaries and accept that her mum is the preferred grandparent. She just doesn’t seem to care much for me.
When I’m over to visit she doesn’t converse, scrolls on her phone or disappears. Oh well, I put much less effort in these days.

Don't make her another cup of tea.

Well done @SadMil it's a crap situation but at least you aren't gifting someone who is awful to you. Good luck with everything.

Did your son thank you for your special gift?

Yep. What a tortuous view of life and relationships

Actually, changed my mind. Agree with above poster, you should make something up as to why you can't give them the money. You don't want to give her any ammunition.

It very simply sounds like she doesn't like you. Please don't hand over money to someone who actively dislikes you. I would be telling your son why you have decided against it too. People like your DIL count on people being pushovers, not wanting to rock the boat and let's be honest, most people would hand over the money and bitterly regret it after. She isn't a nice person.

She didn’t have DC until 37 (?) but didn’t get on the property ladder. Sounds like she landed on her feet with your DS and him having wealthy parents.

No way would I see my DS taken for a fool. Tell your DS that due to an unexpected financial matter, you can’t help them with buying a house. Make something up so as not to alienate him. Be interesting to see DIL’s reaction when you stop being a cash cow.

Agree! A pregnancy within weeks? Hmmmmm. I'm a staunch feminist who hates stereotypes but this does smack of choosing your DS for circumstances other than truuueeeee looooovvvveeee

Crikey everyone loves a pile on to call a woman a bitch don't they!

“…at the party she was seemingly ‘fine’ with her friends but blatantly ignored my husband and I which makes me think it must be personal”

It is. If she can be fine with her friends she’s just being a bitch. I wouldn’t be giving them a penny.

Definitely.

This

You can have mental health issues or other issues AND still be a rude asshole.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

That’s not always true.
My db would have defended his ex in the first 10 years at least.
She was and is an awful person who terrified both her dh and her dc, and my dm too.

You've made it very clear here that you dislike her and think she has ulterior motives.

She's probably picked up on that.

She doesn't sound like she is struggling. She doesn't like you and perhaps feels threatened by your good relationship with your son because she's either jealous or controlling or both.

Does your son acknowledge how rude his wife is to you? I'd be furious if my partner behaved in that way and it would certainly affect the way I felt about them. I think you have a son issue here, not just a DIL issue.

Yes, you can retract your offer of financial support. I might explain to your son that now the economy is in a downturn and the cost of living is going through the roof you aren't in a position to help them out financially. Or take legal advice to find out if you can ring-fence anything you give him so that if they split up he keeps your gift. Some years ago relatives of mine downsized in order to give a six-figure sum to their son for a house deposit. Within a couple of years his wife left and took half their money with her.

It sounds as if this has all happened very quickly. Bi-polar can be a very difficult condition to live with and some of her behaviour may be as a result of depression. I have had a good friend with bi-polar. Unfortunately we're no longer friends because, after several years and several increasingly dramatic cycles, it became impossible for me continue contact. I wish you all well.

It's interesting that the son is accommodated sensitively for his social anxiety but the DIL is described as "moody".

Families like a scapegoat.

It seems this family have picked theirs.

What was relationship like with her before baby and how often did you see her then? Did you help her out during her pregnancy?

Not really buying this, sounds like there's more going or gone on.

Your son will tell you what you want to hear, he won't tell you about their problems and will make himself out to be in the best light possible.

I've also known 'accidents' where I think it was more likely the man trapping the woman as he wanted to keep her so impregnated her

Why not? I wouldn’t give a large sum of money to someone who ignores me when I am in the room. Once she’s got it, do you think she will feel the need to be any more welcoming? Precedent says otherwise.

You don’t need to withdraw your offer, just never mention it again. See what happens. I agree about the grandchild fund ( because this relationship has some serious 🚩🚩🚩for thé future).

Even if she did just 'want a baby' and trapped him, there's not a lot that can be done now and her son knows that irresponsible ejaculation with women he doesn't know well can result in this. He seems happy to be a dad, so I don't think any time focusing on stories/theories like this helps anyone

She does sound rude. Problem is of course, if you back off from her you’ll give her an excuse she can use to justify her shitty behaviour and even use it to drive a wedge between you and DS. It sounds like the last thing you want is to lose contact with you DGC and DS so for that reason I’d grit my teeth I think and keep trying. Sorry x