Struggling with DIL

Maybe because they are basically peers? DIL is never going to see her as a parent figure. I can't imagine seeing someone as a mother figure when they are only 9 years older than me. Friend, sister, equal maybe, but I can't relate to them the same way I would if they were actually a generation older.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea Why do you think that the age difference makes so much difference?

Why drip feed?? So annoying.
There are 9 years difference between you. NINE years. We could have done with this info at the start because that changes the whole dynamic.
You're MiL and DiL but you're not old enough to be her mother. Your age difference means you could as easily be SiLs so I can totally understand how this makes the relationship a little more complex.

Why FT would you gift money to someone who's actively rude to you? I wouldn't give her the steam of my piss. Sounds like the relationship won't last anyway. Trust fund for grandchild is an excellent idea.

Look at this thread Mother in law issues - help!! http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4851036-mother-in-law-issues-help

They don't have a baby but this could have been your DIL writing about you except it's cake not tea!' See the other sides perspectives

Good post

My sil was likes this for year. Her and my bro are now separated.

She was very hard to be around.

My bro's no Angel and I would be driven mad by him but she was unreasonable at times.

@SadMil you’ve said she has mental health problems and possibly bipolar and your son has said they don’t wish to discuss it with you. This is absolutely fair enough.

Maybe try and see it how hard she tried? You booked and paid for tickets to a pantomime. Maybe she absolutely didn’t want to go in the first place or on the day. But she forced herself to go to do the family thing, was overwhelmed and the only way to cope was to hide under her coat and scroll on her phone. Would you have preferred this or her not going or her leaving and going home?

You are still fixated she didn’t refuse the tea just didn’t drink it!

Also it’s not her responsibility to thank you for the present as a female, it’s your sons.

Of course the offer of money was conditional. There isn't such a thing as a truly unconditional offer of £50k.
If one of them develops a gambling habit or drug addiction? If one or the other starts an affair and you suspect they'll spilt up? If the partner proves to be controlling or abusive? You should give them the money anyway because you offered?
People may not agree that the DiLs behaviour warrants withdrawal of the gift, but that's neither here nor there, as its the OPs money and her decision.
No one with any sense gives away £50k with zero expectations. The OPs condition (that her DiL isnt rude to her) is simply one that some other people who presumably aren't dealing with a rude DiL, claim they would not apply.
If people want to reserve their right to behave exactly as they choose, the price to pay may be the loss of a chunk of free money. Which seems fair to me.

I would say nothing about gifting them money. If they bring it up just say circumstances have changed. Chances are this relationship may not last and putting it in trust is probably not advised either. Most trust accounts are operated by the parents or the child may have access at a very young age.

I would keep the door open for contact. Invite them over or offer babysitting but focus on other things in your life. She sounds difficult so the relationship may never be what you want.

Yes @SerafinasGoose agree that everyone in this situation loses. The son and dil have lost out on a house deposit, the OP will lose closeness to her son, the child will lose out on a relationship with OP and her husband who sound lovely, the gift OP's husband made sounds so thoughtful. BUT that will only happen if the adults put their dislike for each other over what's best for that child. Hopefully, both the DIL and OP are big enough to not do that. It would be very sad if either of them did. I have met MILS, DILS, FILS and SILS who act like dickheads for no other reason apart from jealousy. That's why I will not join in with the attack on OP. Good on her I say. Never let anyone hold you to ransom, especially where children are concerned, that way madness lies.

"A wonderful, loving relationship with a grandparent is a hugely beneficial addition to any child's life, but unfortunately not all relationships pan out that way. There are some instances in which watching Granny and Mummy perpetually be nasty to each other - regardless of which side the blame lies - might well not be in the children's best interests.

But I do take on board your point. I suppose it's more accurate to say that in these situations, everybody loses."

This x 10000000

Perfectly said @SerafinasGoose

Assuming MiL wants a relationship with her DGC, which I'm assuming she does or she wouldn't have posted this thread, then she's losing out on that relationship if she continues to alienate her DS and his partner.

A wonderful, loving relationship with a grandparent is a hugely beneficial addition to any child's life, but unfortunately not all relationships pan out that way. There are some instances in which watching Granny and Mummy perpetually be nasty to each other - regardless of which side the blame lies - might well not be in the children's best interests.

That my DC has little in the way of relationships with grandparents is a source of deep regret to me, as my maternal granny and grandfather enriched my life in ways I can't even begin to describe.

I was lucky. Not all children are as fortunate. Three of DC's grandparents are already dead. Not much any parent can do in that particular scenario than accept the hand we've been dealt.

But I do take on board your point. I suppose it's more accurate to say that in these situations, everybody loses.

Well, maybe they are projecting @Olive19741205 - but isn't that what we all do? We give advice based upon our own experiences and moral standpoint. The beauty of it is that it's so rich and varied from person to person - and we can learn so much about ourselves from it. Surely that's the whole point of the OP asking for advice/support?

I do agree there's been bullying, and you yourself haven't been particularly nice to those who haven't agreed with your position. No, I don't get on with my ILs for much the same reason that the OPs DIL seems to have experienced; I'm seen as not good enough for DH and my MH (I have CPTSD) is minimised and misunderstood. It would be great if the OP could take some learning from other's experiences on the thread and protect her relationship with her GC.

Unfortunately, if the rot sets in any further OP is the one with most to lose. DiL is the mother of her grandchild. That's simply the way it is.

Why is the OP the one with most to lose? What you wrote here is telling. The one missing out the most is the grandchild. The OP has a busy life and other children. What exactly is she losing out on?

👏👏👏

Yes, you don't have to say that you don't get on with your in laws, it's really very obvious. The posters who have come after OP and almost bullied her, clearly are projecting.

God that sounds awful @SerafinasGoose - I'm glad the poster was banned. I really enjoy reading other people's perspectives because it challenges my own belief system and makes me far more insightful into my own biases but bloody hell this thread has been bonkers to read.

Yet the people who you're scolding me for defending myself against called me unhinged because they didn't agree with me... but that's ok eh? The hypocrisy on this site is astounding.

Thank you @Inkpotlover - and FWIW I think your points have been very valid on this thread.

Maybe I'm thick but I don't know how to trawl through people's posting history @Olive19741205 nor would I have the time to. This post resonated with me as I have been the DIL in this situation, hence I have invested in in reading the thread but I'm buggered if I have the time to go on some sort of investigatory mission for the purposes of oneupmanship. It's really childish and I'm not sure why you're so heavily invested unless you're the OP.

I'm fairly new to MN and I'm absolutely stunned that people who don't agree with someone would actually find the time to trawl through their posting history to weaponise it against them. I'm also pretty stunned that the OP has screenshot PPs posts on other threads. Is it always like this?

No, but it is sometimes. I've been 'trailed' by someone whom I suspect was an incel, who resented my speaking openly about abuse at the hands of men, interpreted that as misandry, and took to following me around the site from thread to thread. It was irritating, tiresome, and boring: for myself and others. It's also against site guidelines.

MN cottoned onto this and banned that poster from the site.

I've been here a goodly while, and whilst this hasn't been an isolated experience neither is it common.

Christ, it's like being back at school.

Isn't it just, but this thread's one of the more extreme examples I've witnessed of late. Opinions differ, but there are a fair number of posters who accuse those not in agreement with them of being 'unhinged'.

IMO, there are only a few isolated examples of that behaviour, and they're the ones you quote above.

It's to search up subjects that might be useful, not to trawl for posters' previous comments on old threads to use against them.

So why is it a feature then? What's it for if...not to advance search? It actually doesn't take any time at all, it's very quick to use if you know how to use it.

I'm fairly new to MN and I'm absolutely stunned that people who don't agree with someone would actually find the time to trawl through their posting history to weaponise it against them. I'm also pretty stunned that the OP has screenshot PPs posts on other threads. Is it always like this?

No it's not and it's against MN guidelines. Generally people play fair on threads but this one has descended into a bun fight.