Struggling with DIL

😂😂😂

Fix things. The relationship with the DIL. FFS.

Clearly the mother doesn't want this grandparent FIXING her though does she?

My sil was like this, they're getting divorced now. Don't gift them large sums of money, you will inevitably regret it

Always take one sided stories with a grain of salt. My MIL would probably post something very similar when the truth is I went over and beyond to include her. Boy could I give another side of the story. If I found such a post, I'd print it out, present it to my DH, and tell him this is what his mother thinks of my efforts, so she's his to deal with from now on.

I could also post, "When we visit my son in law regularly disappears, it's so rude!" Really though, I know it's how he deals with visits and accept it is what he needs. I still think he's really great and my daughter did well.

I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!

It's an anonymous forum where the OP is genuinely asking for help and advice re how to FIX thing.

Yes I did acknowledge this! I just think
if the OP wants the relationship to improve it is worth considering that she may well have done or said something to upset the DIL - whether justified or not… at the end of the day she wants a relationship!

This.

I think this is a really valid point, in a world where both parents work and get little downtime, it might be a rare moment for some downtime. We often visit our respective families without one another to get a break, it doesn't mean we don't like our partners families though! If my partners family is visiting I expect him to deal with the logistics and itinery for that, and him likewise.

Few things stand out here.

She may not have liked the gift. In any case, she should have said thank you, unless your son did. She may have thought he had thanked you, given that it was a gift to their son. In such circumstances I’d generally expect my husband to thank his parents, particularly in the context of what sounds like a busy birthday party.

It sounds like the birthday party was busy and it may have been difficult to speak to everyone there. She may have expected your son to host you while she entertained some of their other guests. I don’t think that’s at all unreasonable.

You made her a cup of tea without asking. That was kind given you knew that’s what she liked but you didn’t ask and if she didn’t want one then it’s a bit awkward, isn’t it?

I think things clearly aren’t great between you but I’m struggling to deduce from these these examples that she’s a terrible person.

When someone is perfectly capable of being gracious and polite to everyone at a party EXCEPT the parent inlaws, who also happen to be expected to stump up gifts/money/effort as needed, that is not a mental health issue. That is being a rude asshole.

Your language is quite interesting. She didn't "fall pregnant". Your son got her pregnant. A mentally ill woman he dismisses as having "moods". They barely knew each other before they became tied to each other for life. You have sympathy for your husband's mental health issues, but none for hers. Your husband definitely doesn't if he's decided he wants nothing more to do with her.

This is solid advice. I was in a very similar situation and PIL behaviour just became unbearable so I had to take a massive step back. PILs were not happy about this as they didn't think they had done anything wrong and were downright awful to me.

@SadMil why did she need to thank you for the gift ? Was thank you from your DS not enough? I feel like there is always an expectation for daughter in laws to be involved with their PILs but the same isn't true for son in laws. For example I would always be expected to be profusely grateful for everything they did and if I didn't say thank you "on time" (ie within minutes of a card arriving by post) my DH would get it in the ear from my MIL. Whereas my mum never expects a thank you from DH for gifts for the kids or even when she buys him gifts for his bday.

Retract she will get the house and then your poor son could end up homeless.

'I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!'

It's an anonymous chat forum. If the dil is here and recognises herself then good! it may make her think twice about her very shit behaviour <is it you >.

It must have been traumatic for them.

She didn't drink the tea!

So you went to a baby's first birthday party and the grandad is upset because he wasn't made a fuss of by the mother of the one year old!

And someone who normally has tea didn't drink it one time when they popped in!

Grandad has now gone off in a massive sulk and decided to keep his money.

What a pair of over grown babies you both are.

Nasty babies too, winding up people here to call her a bitch.

I'm not surprised she wants to keep her private life private from you, you are posting her mental health all over the internet!

From what you've said she sounds incredibly rude and unkind. I also agree that MH issues dont excuse that- she was able to be perfectly polite to others at party so if it was purely her MH then it wouldnt only be directed at you.

However, I am getting a vibe from your post that you think you son is the perfect dad, the perfect husband and he was "taken advantage of" by her. Maybe she did, who knows? But its rare in couples that one person is an angel and the other person is the devil. Sure, it can happen but your son chose her, he chose not to use protection and having a child isnt only her responsibility, its his too. You mentioned her being attractive- thats on him if that was mostly what he was swayed by when getting together with her isnt it? She cant have been the only attractive 30 something around, lots of women are very attractive in their 30s so why did he choose her specifically?

I am just not comfortable with this idea that she's some scheming femme fatale and your son was the innocent bystander who has been manipulated into becoming a father. I also agree with PP that you dont really know how he behaves at home behind closed doors, sure he gives a show of being a hands on dad but you cannot know 100%.

Its possible that both are happening- she is rude and standoffish and you are also stereotyping her as the bad guy in this situation whilst idolising your son. I think what would help is to have a more balanced view of both of them- she might not be as bad as you think and he might not be as angelic as you think.

Once we have a perception of someone, its hard not to let that show and she may be picking up on your inner disapproval. I would talk to your son- dont blame her but just say you'd like to develop a better relationship with her and see if he can suggest ways of doing this. Always try to work things out amicably first before resorting to tit for tat (the money) because this is only going to blow things up even further.

Don't take it personally. Many young people have an approach where they deal with their own families of origin rather than the woman being the social secretary these days.
My son in law often takes himself off for walks when we visit after a while. I don't take it as an insult. I know he struggles with visitors and that's how he copes. I'm still fond of him.

How sad. I’d love to have in-laws like you! Just keep being there for your son and grandchild.

What, by painting her portrait whilst she napped?

You're pretty determined to pin something on the OP eh?

This. Leave the stupid cow to it.

It sounds like you’ve got very unlucky.

You just have to make the best of it and bide your time. Don’t mention giving them money again and if either of them raise it, just say you’ve rethought in view of the CoL increase and potential future care costs.

I’d stop trying much with DIL but remain pleasant when she is around and cheerfully ignore the digs and snubs. Your son knows what’s going on so I’d spare him long conversations about it which would test his loyalties. Don’t speak negatively about her to him.

As the baby gets bigger, your opportunities to babysit and spend time together will probably increase as they are both less protective and more keen on getting a break, and the baby won’t remember its first couple of years so don’t fear you will never have a lovely relationship. It is entirely possible for you to be loved and valued grandparents without you and DIL ever getting beyond civility papering over mutual dislike. Don’t ever undermine her/their child rearing preferences and respect her and your son’s preeminence as the parents.

It’s not ideal but it will be less painful if you can let go of her relationship with you and just be patient. I know plenty of families where an uneasy truce exists between a parent an in-law but the grandparent grandchild relationship is happy and healthy.

'No way would I see my DS taken for a fool. Tell your DS that due to an unexpected financial matter, you can’t help them with buying a house. Make something up so as not to alienate him. Be interesting to see DIL’s reaction when you stop being a cash cow.'

Totally agree. Don't be provoked by her rudeness but absolutely do not give them a massive wodge of money. Just smile, nod and sadly keep your distance. This is awful as a grandchild is involved but I would just communicate through your ds don't mention the dil at all.

Playing devil's advocate, how convenient he isn't allowed to discuss things with you. Poor man. I hope he's not like my DH who will happily throw anyone under the bus to avoid being the bad guy.

Did your son thank you for the gift and include you in the party?