Struggling with DIL

I can understand why your hurt by her behaviour OP but I think that was the wrong call. It’s adding fuel to the fire in creating drama where there was only discomfort. It’s essentially punishing DS and DGC but ultimately you don’t owe anyone anything. It’s your money. I just hope you get to maintain regular contact with DGS.

I think you may deeply regret taking this course of action. It's deeply unfair of you to test your son's loyalties like this. Of course he will be very torn between his wife and you as his parents, and this may well turn this difficult situation into an impasse where there are no winners.

He says he understands your stance - what else can he really say? Of course money is a tool to be used wisely, however you are now backtracking on your promise of a deposit. I personally know this requires a leap of faith - we gifted our daughter and new son-in-law a large deposit for their first house together, so I fully understand the issues at play here.

Are you the type of people who like to be in control, OP? It does sound like that is the case. I think your daughter-in-law has picked up on the fact that you're not too keen on her. She of course holds a lot of power as the mother of your grandchild, and regardless of her lack of social skills and perceived rudeness by you, has her own mum for backup and support.

It sounds as though she has felt necessary to impose boundaries on the relationship, due to her instructing your son not to discuss her feelings with you both. She sounds as though she's struggling and may indeed have PND. Personally I would have left matters well alone for a while rather than bringing it to a head in this way. She certainly is now under no illusion of your opinion of her, by reneging on your agreement over the house deposit.

It's easy to get carried away on Mumsnet threads when people are telling you what you want to hear, but this is about your family and only you know absolutely the intricacies of it - I think you have been too hasty OP. You should have reflected much longer on this series issue before acting.

Why do you ask? Is it because I've accurately reflected this from her perspective I wonder? Or do you think you have made a funny joke?

This in spades. He’s not awesome for doing this, this should be routine. He’s a co-parent with equal weight, he shouldn’t be baby sitting his own kid. Do you comment she looks after the baby so he can have some sleep?

i’m with @Anklespraying she has a known diagnosis of biplolar disorder and has asked her partner to not discuss her mental health issues with you. That’s completely normal and happens in my healthy relationship. Why would she want the MIL to have ammunition to use against her, I must say cutting them off financially today has really ended things for you! Of course he’s going to choose her, did you think he would leave her to have your money? You really don’t sound like you like her. Of course she knows.

@SadMil maybe next time say “would you like a cup of tea?” Maybe she had just taken medication or reached her limit of caffeine and you made her feel she had to drink it when she just wanted water? But you know there won’t be a next time after the phone call today?

The op wasn’t praising her son!

FGS some people are so dumb!

She was asked if he was helping out with the baby etc and she replied that yes he is!

Of course she knows the girl is also looking after the baby abs how hard it is - the op acknowledged that

Id also be suspicious if someone met my son and got pregnant within a matter of weeks! Yes she has clearly landed on her feet!!!

Well in that case she wouldn’t get a penny out of me. If she wants money and a house then they’ll both have to work for it

Are you the DiL?

But she brought it to grandchild's first bday party so it's implied

You say he sometimes takes the baby off her hands for a few hours so she can rest, with great praise, yet that is exactly what he should be doing. It implies you think she has it easy, when she clearly doesn't

I agree with this. He's the child's father. Its literally his job to share childcare- him taking the baby off her hands for a short while doesnt make him worthy of a medal or father of the year. All decent fathers should be doing this! It baffles me how men get praised for looking after their own bloody kids

Then he can visit you without her.

I'm puzzled now child is 13 months why can't you fit a baby seat and take your grand child out

I don't think there is much chance of there ever being a relationship between the OP and her grandchild's mother now. "We're not giving our son money any more because of you." That's going to be a nail in that coffin.

Well that's a mistake because if down the line they split up your son may well need the money for a home of his own

I think I am another Devil's Avocate here.
There are two sides to every story
and however much you disapprove, I think you need to try to see things from her point of view if you are to attempt to repair the relationship between you, your son and his family, which would be the best outcome for all.
EG I gleaned from your post was that:
she is 9 years older than him
very attractive, nothing wrong with that but your disapproval came across quite clearly ie you feel this has blinded him to her character in some way.
That she became pregnant very early in the relationship
She has mental health issues - perhaps pnd

She's clearly picked up on your disapproval. Her MH issues may have made her feel very insecure in your presence. What some people do in that case is withdraw, they may seem calm, but believe that its better to keep conversation to a minimum so as not to provoke or cause further conflict, or to be hurt by perceived disapproval. She might actually not be trying to be rude but is quite wary of you.
The main bones of contention: 1) the party. Recent baby, possible PND, picked up on disapproval of her from you. DH invites lots of friends to a party plus you - maybe she was an anxious hostess and felt she had to entertain their friends, kept out of your way, she presupposed you would be judging her and left you to her DH whilst she was trying to deal with the party. Shy people can come across as withholding and "rude". Perhaps she knows you don't like her and doesn't know what to say with her. You felt she should have made more of an effort with you and that she was ignoring you. Two sides.
2) The gift: You know that your DH put effort into it, engraved it and was thoughtful. That is great. And you expected them to make a big deal out of it at the party. But do your DS and DIL even know that? People dont always like stopping the party to marvel over gifts. They are aware that it might make other guests feel awkward and perhaps embarrass some guests.

3) Yes you should have got a thankyou in some form. But your DS also has a mouth and a phone and HE could have thanked you, but you blame her when she's busy looking after a small baby. You say he sometimes takes the baby off her hands for a few hours so she can rest, with great praise, yet that is exactly what he should be doing. It implies you think she has it easy, when she clearly doesn't.
4) Devils advocate again... You; Look at this thoughtful hand-carved gift that's full of meaning
Them: "We invited them to our party. They seemed to talk to everyone so we assumed they were enjoying themselves and we had our hands full but they seemed huffy and disapproving when they were leaving - so I guess they still disapprove of us"
" Also They gave us a weird engraved wooden gift. Our rented apartment is full of baby gear and we really don't need more clutter. It's not the kind of thing that matches our decor or that we would ever get for ourselves. We don't know what to do with it. They thought it was amazing and we didn't know quite what to say"
Two sides again.
You need a frank private talk with your DS. Whilst you have your say, you really need to listen to him too. If he doesn't want to talk about DIL's issues with his mother who doesn't approve of her, you have to accept that.
If you want to repair the relationship make a conscious decision to ease up on the judgement and disapproval - you are the adult in this scenario - the one with years of experience - you need to back track a bit and give DIL a second chance and stop judging on "manners" since its a joining of two different family cultures and rather communicate what it is you want/think, not just expecting them to conform. Remember that you trained your son, so if the thankyous etc are not happening - that's down to him. tell him.
The things you find annoying may be quite normal in her family because they know each other well enough and are not afraid of interacting with each other. So it may take a while for this to take and for both of you to build the trust but it's worth a try. Forget the financials for the time being.

Don’t view her this way, it takes 2 to make a baby. Your son must have willing had unprotected sex with her on initial meeting and he took that chance as well.

@Anklespraying

i bet they’re not relived! They’re missing out on money!
oh well, tough innit they should have treated op and her husband with more respect

What is she like with your son behind closed doors? Does she behave like this to him as well? That would concern me.

I don't blame you at all for retracting the money. And I would kill her with kindness from now on and don't assume anything, even what she wants to drink.

@Anklespraying

hi OP’s DIL 👋

It was a party the same month as the child’s first birthday - and engraved wooden gift sounds like a child’s gift?

perhaps it was an engraved jewellery box for the DIL’s 40th? In which case the DIL should have said thank you.

but if it was a toy for the baby then either parent can say thank you.

I think may reaching out without your son around May be a good way to go. What you see and what happens when knowone else is about are two different things. She may feel unable to open up around him about how low she feels thinking how well he is coping. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help, don't assume because she drank tea for the last umpteen years that she will now. Her tastes may have changed. Maybe offering to go to lunch baby free show here you value tike with her not just the baby. At times even if people asked the odd question about how I was it felt like they were only really interested in ds. Make sure when you interact with her it's not necessarily when either of you are holding the baby. That way when your making eye contact she knows its because you are actually seeing her and interested in how she's doing.

Nowhere has op said the gift was for the grandchild.

@SadMil my sons visit without their wives who enjoy the chance to crack on with cleaning, put their feet up or go to bed. They bring the grandchildren who are happy to come, one room holds all the toys, conservatory the arts and crafts. Not sure why your DIL needs to attend to be honest. I certainly wouldn't be holding money over their heads. That's just manipulative.

There are some bizarre replies on this thread.

Op, she sounds bloody awful, reminds me of my SIL actually. My MIL has a better relationship with my kids who are not biologically related than her actual grandkids and it is just down to SIL and her rude obnoxious behaviour. My MIL is bloody awesome but she cant even see her grandkids unless SIL mum is there.

You made the right decision about the cash gift IMO.

Minimising rudeness her behaviour must have stood out like a sore thumb. My question is if she is this rude and moody around them and only them does she like them?

What about your DS, yes your DIL sounds like she's struggling. But it was on your DS to thank his dad for the gift. It was on your SS to bring your grandchild over and give the mum a break. Realistically do you have to see her more than a couple of time a year? Your DS is in charge of their relationship with you not her.

Or most likely just a bitch.

You are being respectful and supportive and that is all you can be.
Your DIL does seem rude but maybe it is not in her capacity to be more than she is. She has mental health issues and you may never know the extent of those.
Stay close to your son and reassuring to your DIL.
Praise her parenting and ignore her faults for the benefit of keeping a long term relationship of some sort.
Perhaps keeping to a regular weekly visit or helping in a similar way each week is easier for her to cope with as she won't be surprised and will expect your interaction at set times.
You could also make a one off offer for if ever she feels extra tired she can always call on you.
Does she ever see just you or is it always you and your DH?
Would she be more relaxed with just one of you? Grasping at straws..