Struggling with DIL

I don’t think they were expecting it, or even asked for it though? Besides that she’s not just handing 50 grand to the DIL!

It was meant to be a house deposit for her son and GC to have a stable home... except now she doesn’t seem to give a shit about that because She doesn’t get on with DIL, and people on the internet who have only heard one side of the story are agreeing with her that DIL is rude.

Whichever reason she gives, shes ultimately rescinded the offer as a fuck you to the DIL, but who is she really punishing here? Very short sighted of her to be honest, if I was her son I’d be quite upset about the whole thing, he is well and truly stuck in the middle of this weird power play.

she shouldn’t ever have offered the money in the first place.

What does "I expected that response from you" mean exactly?

Her son won't argue with his mother and he maybe walking on egg shells himself with his wife/girlfriend.

You don't know what is going on and he did rush into the relationship and a lot of the time people try to make it work not for their other half but for the child/children.

You are right carpediem that no one needs to give someone they don't like money. And they aren't. They have now realised out that the offer they made was dependent on them liking their son's choice of partner and when faced with that reality they have changed their minds about it.

They have no idea at this point if they are going to like the baby as she grows up either.

There's no indication the DiL expects the money at all. By OP's own account her son accepted her decision to rescind her offer without rancour.

DiL's sins are mainly of omission: she's not communicative enough to suit OP's liking, therefore it's to be assumed that if she's running to type she's not having conversations about the money either.

The only one apparently making this relationship all about the money is OP.

Why question it and would anyone expect a family member who has worked hard all their lives to give it away to someone who doesn't like them. I expected that response from you.

You took 2 days to come back with that? 😂

I've read the entire thread, actually. I stand by my comments to the OP. I think your posts on this thread have been wildly inappropriate, petty, and mean-spirited, and have contributed nothing of substance to the discussion.

You seem to be a keyboard warrior. I'm sure you'll continue to attack me and others who dare to read this situation differently than you do. Go for it. I will not engage with you further.

👏👏👏

Spot on.

That is one of the most tone-deaf comments I think I've ever read on MN, and that's saying something! Millions of people don't own their own house by their 40s and still rent, because they cannot afford to save for a deposit. There's no shame in that, so don't imply that there is.

I don't think anyone's projecting about the money. People are questioning the reasons OP has given for withdrawing it.

Why does she need the op's money what has she been doing for the last 20 years since she left school or university?

I think people who are focusing on op's age are clutching at straws. Age is but a number and has no relevance whatsoever. I admire younger women as well as older women. It's whoever has bollocks at the end of the day to achieve their dreams. The op has done well for herself and if her dil feels inferior or jealous that's her problem.

FiL is NC with his DiL already. He said he never wanted to see her again because neither she nor her husband thanked him for his gift. I'm assuming his son is not in Coventry with her.

You can imagine how easily the above scenario could be spun into a variation on 'DiL is a grasping so-and-so. She doesn't want to confide in us, doesn't seem to want to speak to us, but she's more than happy to take our money and has now gone off in a strop because that offer's been withdrawn'.

She is not the one who is making this about the money. OP is.

I don't think anyone's projecting about the money. People are questioning the reasons OP has given for withdrawing it. Refusing a cup of tea and not repeating a thank you her partner had already given his parents for their child's present are hardly abominable behaviour traits but OP has mentioned those as being her tipping points and frankly she sounds petty. Taking back their offer is purely about her exerting control over her DIL to put her in her place. Can you imagine how devastated the son must be feeling if they'd been sorting out a mortgage and looking at properties based on the gift, only to have it snatched away because his mentally ill wife isn't toeing the line and sucking up enough to his demanding parents?

And what if the relationship doesn't fail? OP's screwed any chance of getting close to her DIL going forward. Her son sounds like a loving and loyal husband who refused to breach his wife's medical privacy when his mum was being nosey, so OP should brace herself for him pulling away from them big time after this.

you may be partly right, but I'm a DIL and I think the MIL is bang out of line for offering the money to her son and grandchild, then whipping it away when she doesn't get on with her DIL.. I wouldn't feel outrage because I would never accept money from someone I don't particularly like or get on with, it would never end well and would definitely cause a problem in the relationship going forward.

Then now offering it to the GC in trust? Is that offer going to be rescinded too? Why make ANY offers? why not just be a loving supportive parent/grandparent and if you wish, offer financial support at a time when you think your child/grandchild may need it most (uni/house purchase/car etc)?

IMO this is the problem when parents/PIL have money, I'd much rather have broke parents and grandparents that love unconditionally, than someone who uses their wealth as a punishment.

It feels like there's alot of DILs on this thread projecting over the outrage they'd feel if parents in law withdrew financial support.

I agree with your approach OP. it's your grandchild who should benefit from the money and this way you can completely control that in the event the relationship fails.

good points, @5128gap.

Many people are eating their own assumptions here.

Bottom line is that the DIL is actively rude, and the actions described here would be considered rude in any setting.

It must be difficult seeing one's offspring get mixed up with such a person, let alone for a child to be added to the situation.

Stand firm on the money, OP.

That fact that OP is in her 40s is only causing consternation as a 'drip feed' because its forced people to check their ageism and review their prejudice that she must be an old fashioned, out of touch, controlling 'boomer' because she's a MiL. Its quite amusing actually reading posts extolling the virtue of 'young women' empowering themselves against the judgemental irrelevant old crones of myth, then watching the penny drop that OP is probably their own age.
Nothing in the OPs posts have indicated any suggestion she is trying to be maternal to her DiL. She is however maternal to her son, and the gift and solicited advice she offers is for him. It's hardly her fault that her DiL would end up being age inappropriately party to it through him.

@ANiceBigCupOfTea

Totally agree. Also thought that was a massive drip feed and oversight. This what was going through my mind:

1. That @SadMil talks as though she's much older, with boomer like expectations of DILs behaviour. (I'm the same age as @SadMil)
2. That they are basically peers yet @SadMil doesn't really sound like she's talking about a peer.
3. I have friends the same age as DIL; once you reach middle age really 10-15 years is nothing in friendships. I guess the peer/PIL dynamic must be a bit weird in this situation.

Overall, I wonder how much this is contributing all round. @SadMil's expectations, the mismatch between expectations and reality, what the dynamic has been like, how @SadMil has actually handled the dynamic of having a DIL who is effectively a peer.

I don't read much introspection from the OP.

It just reads like she has sought out confirmation that she is "doing the right" thing by withdrawing the financial offer, and ignored everything else...

DiL isn't the DiL OP wanted. She's older than DS, has a serious mental illness, and her motives for their decision to have a child have been openly questioned by OP on this thread in the most personal terms possible.

DiL is clearly not conversing with her PiLs any more than she absolutely has to. They are not in her confidence, as is her wish and her right. It's quite likely each side interprets the behaviour of the other as rude.

Neither Son nor Wife offered their thanks for the gift, but it's only Wife with whom her FiL has now decided to go full NC. Bit of an extreme reaction for a lapse in manners for which she isn't the only one at fault, and which, whilst thoughtless and annoying, hardly falls into the category of unforgivable.

I think OP, who has not returned to the thread, has made her own decisions as to what she wants to do. I wouldn't either offer or accept £50K - it's far too much and money can make relationships feel much too transactional - but it would have been sensible not to allow money to enter into the equation at all. And it certainly shouldn't be given (or offered) on the basis that the recipient will behave as you want them to or to make them answerable to you in any way.

Personally I wouldn't have gone full-on scorched earth and trashed the relationship because of it, but I am not OP. And I've graciously put up with annoying in-laws for a lot longer than two years before deciding I'd finally had a gut full.

Different strokes...

She is behaving like she wants to be a parent figure though, with giving the money for a house deposit (which she isn't anymore). I'd be very uncomfortable with someone a similar age gifting me that in parent style. It tells me they are doing better than I did at my age and it must feel uncomfortable to have someone 9 years older being so parental.

I do think DIL is being a bit rude at times but aren't going to fault her for the gift thanks (son can handle that, he didn't acknowledge it either) or even the phone at the pantomime, in light of her condition. My DD sometimes uses her phone to cope with situations that overwhelm her (also has a condition) and maybe it sometimes does come across as rude, but I understand it's how she escapes and copes. Maybe it should be enough she made the effort to be there?

There's 34 years between me and my MIL. I just can't imagine that being someone with a 9 year difference and relating to them the same way. I'm not sure I could do that. Be my friend, sure.

I wasn’t sure it made much difference as OP never said she wanted DIL to relate to her as a parent figure, just to be a bit warmer and polite. I only have SILs and we have a more normal age gap but I just want to be friendly not seen as a parent figure to them. I met them as adults.

I think you really need to talk to your son. Explain that you very much want a positive relationship and are very confused as to what you may have done to offend her. Your son almost certainly knows what her issue is and thinks he is keeping the peace by not telling you. He needs to understand how upset you are and needs to step in to help resolve this. She is behaving awfully and is obviously very rude but I think you need to approach this calmly and I the spirit of resolving this, otherwise she will be able to turn this back on you!!

What @theblinkofaneye said really.