To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

Again, you were a part timer working 14 hours. You didn’t have a seat at the table. You were barely at the table. It always works well for women to go part time, have the mummy track and their dh to work full time? Why couldn’t he go part time? If he left you, how would you get a mortgage/pay the rent of bills? You don’t seem to understand what a precarious situation you have put yourself in. And, that’s why women need to learn about financial independence. How would you pay the bills with “pocket money”? How would you walk into a well paid job after years at being home?

@Nordicrain

So those sahms enabling that behaviour aren’t just perpetuating gender stereotypes on their home, but are making it more difficult for women who choose to work to progress.

This is bang on. There’s a big social cost to having a default setup where a SAHM “facilitates” a man’s career.

In a setup with a breadwinner and a FT SAHP there are no restrictions on the demands made of the working spouse’s time. There’s always someone (a woman) on hand to deal with the kids and it never occurs to the working partner that they can’t do things at work (networking drinks/playing golf/whatever) which technically are not in the job description but which hugely help them advance.

The impact of this is to massively skew the playing field against a working mother who has to consider childcare before agreeing to do anything outside of office hours.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this for years in my company and it’s massively discriminatory: men end up powering up the ranks at work regardless of their competence purely because they are able to do stuff without the 3D chess of juggling childcare. You get a lot of snide remarks from footloose blokes about making necessary and reasonable adjustments in order to allow you to work. But the blokes never have to worry about this because their SAHM takes care of all that. It’s a huge unfair advantage which holds a lot of ambitious and competent women back.

That doesn’t mean that women owe it to each other to work if it doesn’t suit their lives. Obviously women need to prioritise their families and if not working suits them, fair enough.

But it does make me cringe when people say their decision not to work has “supported my DH’s career”. Of course it has: it’s giving them the opportunity to work in a frictionless way which almost no working mothers can. It’s helping to reinforce a massive advantage men have in the workplace and holding women like me who have to work to support our kids back.

It would help us all if we as a society were more willing to acknowledge the massive handicap this creates between the sexes at work and if employers engaged with the impact this had on the equality they say they cherish.

@anonymousxoxo I worked 14 hrs a week when mine were small so pocket money basically. I still had respect from my husband, I still "had a seat st the table". I wasn't an unpaid cleaner, laundry assistant etc but it worked well for us for me to give up my full time job and work evenings due to childcare. My dh does his share of cooking and cleaning and life administration.

Some people want to be at home with their children, some people want to go to work. We all have an important place in this world.

Have respect for people no matter the path they choose. Please don't try and demean people= families who choose to have a parent at home.

Exactly! SAHM also tend to forget how easy it is to redirect salary to a new account.

This is exactly what I’m saying. I’m the only girl in my direct team at work of 6.

I’m not an unpaid servant, I’m not doing cooking cleaning and laundry taking care of a man. I’m also not just a mummy.

I want my seat at the table.
I want my own career.
I want my own financial stability.
I want socialisation.

Conveniently, these same women forget how hard it is for a man to leave and redirect his salary into a new account. Boom, she’s stuffed.

With hybrid working, none of these arguments fly. I’m home 3 days a week at the bare minimum.

Reading this makes me feels like I’m in India. This is a first world country, yet women are related to as cooks, cleaner and laundry. Quite sad.

Paying for childcare argument doesn’t work when majority of SAHM have high earners and see “no point to work”.

If you’re content facilitating a man’s life and being funded, then that’s on you. Just don’t expect the state to fund your lifestyle when he inevitably stops to.

And the childcare argument won’t work next year onwards as 9 month children will get 15 hours free than 30 hours following year. What’s your excuse not to work then?

For me, there’s more to me than a mummy and I want a seat at the table. I’m not facilitating a mans career.

@rumun88

Brilliant OP!

This is an amazing outcome, I was about to ask whether you could look for other dentists in the area! Congratulations and good luck in your new job.

Because most of the time they don’t. The mum being at home means they can work longer, stay out for drinks, etc. no need to rush back for bath or bedtime, no need to worry about making sports day if they have a meeting, no need to stay home
with a poorly child. Mum’s there to do that. Which incidentally encourages presenteeism at workplaces and disadvantages women who work. So those sahms enabling that behaviour aren’t just perpetuating gender stereotypes on their home, but are making it more difficult for women who choose to work to progress.

Again another judgemental post.

why can’t you just respect that for you and your family , 2 working parents is better than one and due to that you need childcare whereas for other families they feel it’s better to have one parent at home spending time with their own children rather than paying for childcare?

some people are so narrow minded.

you do you and let other do as they please.

You need to rethink your mindset and that of your DH so that the cost of childcare is seen as a cost against the whole household income - not just yours. WHY just yours!!!?

You also need to change your joint mindsets to think more long term. The receptionist job, and being able to demonstrate employment continuity in a difficult pressured admin and customer facing role will help you in years to come - the transferable skills could help you into another job. Your instinctive thinking only about today and only about YOU as the child care provider is normal and natural but it is not right and it is the main reason why there is a massive pension gap for women linked to having children - see the fawcett research on this. It’s difficult I know, but why not rethink about the childcare costs in these terms?

Congratulations x

Quite sad to see so many British women contempt to do housework, laundry and cooking = unpaid servant to facilitate their dh career who gets to go out, travel, use his brain, career and financial stability.

Divorce isn’t uncommon. Neither is death or illness. What happens if he divorces/leaves/does? Are we tax payers expected to fund your lifestyle? First, your husband had to find your life style then the state all because you can’t stand on your own two feet.

Also, why do so many women have kids before successful career? I purposely chose not to have kids until I earnt a certain amount. I also went to university, got my undergraduate degree and masters degree in a stem and technology field.

I now work in STEM/technology, in my direct team at work (out of 6) I’m the only woman. There are women in other teams, but they’re not as technical/analytical roles. My job involves website, coding and data analysis.

My mother was an immigrant to this country who had no choice to be a SAHM, she found it depressing and had no life of her own. She became just a “mummy”.

I want more in life to than just being known as “Oscar’s Mummy”.

Why is it okay for kids to go primary/secondary school but not nursery or child minder? What happens when they grow up then leave you to live their own life, then what? Everything is soo expensive with cost of living crisis also.

The 9 months 30 free hours is exactly what we need, nursery/childminders should be funded exactly like schools. Since, it’s an “education” and unemployed mothers can access it for free. Then, there will be no excuses left for childcare costs etc.

In addition, there is so much hybrid/remote working - I’m in the office 1/2 days a week (varies each week - never more than 2). I do drop off and pick ups 3 days a week and then have weekend with them too with a great salary/career.

This is often my example. I work in a company that makes massive efforts to help eliminate inequalities. I would not consider my colleagues to be sexist or to think there is anything wrong with women having careers and children. However I used to travel a lot for 2 weeks at a time and every single trip the 2/3 women with kids were asked who was looking after them. The 8/9 men with kids were never asked who was looking after them. If you had challenged the people asking (I did once or twice) they believed they were equally likely to ask the men the same question. Thing is they never did so clearly there are still some very strong internalised ideas about who looks after children. Similar thing when kids are poorly. I’ve taken a call to say kids are poorly and sorted out OH will collect them. That’s comment worthy where a male colleague arranging for his partner to collect isn’t.

As individuals we all need to make the choices that work best for us but it’s helpful to also acknowledge some of the barriers that exist to those choices and to think about what would help reduce/eliminate them. I’d like to see maternity leave options extended to the point there is funding for childcare to make it easier to return to work if you want. I’d also like people have better access to flexible working and for a better offering of parental leave to allow those who want a longer career break &/or part time hours to get those and to normalise men taking time away from work to look after their children. As we move towards most families requiring two incomes to meet their costs we surely also need to move towards most families having responsibilities for household and family more evenly divided and there are systemic things you can do to help with that.

sorry OP that was all a bit off topic. I think if you want to work more/avoiding the weekends then you absolutely should but that if you have some doubts about this specific job &/or the start time being at beginning of holidays maybe it’s worth sticking where you are for now and looking for something to start in September-December.

Do not know if it has already been mentioned but unless your H earns £100k a year you can use the government childcare tax free site to get £2k off your childcare bill per child

@Youcancallmeirrelevant OP why did you give up your dental nurse role? Did your DH consider giving up his job?

If you take the GP job is your husband thinking about how he can bring in more money?

I'm assuming he earns more than a dental nurse. Why would he give up his job ?

Amen! 🙏

Having a career isn't everyone's vision of success. There are many ways to be successful, that's just one of them.

Working Mother: What about financial independence if your marriage fails? Make sure you’ve made pension provision and consider that it can be difficult to return to the workplace after a break. Remember, childcare costs come out of the whole family budget, they’re not something that needs to come solely from your salary.

SAHM: I love my children too much to leave them to go to work.

It’s no wonder a bunfight always ensues. I know which ‘insult’ I’d rather be on the receiving end of.

Regardless of what option you have chosen, women who work (choice or not) do not love their children any less. There are shit working parents and there are shit SAHP.

He does one day a week, as he works condensed hours.

Op has a good point but women should learn to assert themselves early and not accept second best. These days career cones first.

In my own unique family situation, it is the ideal as I love being there for the drop off/pick up, spending my holidays with all of my children on adventures/picnics. It's great as you can act like a big kid😀 without the worries of work. @Vettrianofan

Does your husband not want to win there for any drop offs or pick ups with his children then?