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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

609 replies

rumun88 · 06/07/2023 14:31

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

OP posts:
norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:55

Bye thanks again for the advice.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:52

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:52

We are also Indian / part Indian, but thanks for the homelessness warning. Never occurred to me.

That’s all you have to say? Says it all really! Anyway, I’m done bye.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:52

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:46

'The fact you responded with that shows how naive and uneducated you really are.'

Whzt would you know about my education?

And while we're at it, what would you know about India?

The women I know in real life don’t see their career less than their DH’s, idk why so many women on mumsnet do! I thought UK was a first world country, empowering women and financial independence. Guess I was wrong.

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:52

We are also Indian / part Indian, but thanks for the homelessness warning. Never occurred to me.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:51

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:46

'The fact you responded with that shows how naive and uneducated you really are.'

Whzt would you know about my education?

And while we're at it, what would you know about India?

India doesn’t like to educate women. They kill baby girls in the womb. They want a heir. Hence, my mother was uneducated and ended up on antidepressants because she was a SAHM. She and my other relatives told me to financially independent and not dependent on a man. Divorce is so common, women don’t have money to leave their husbands as they would end up homeless. Read about it online, you’ll be shocked.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:48

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:45

How the hell does anyone on here know what "men with SAHMs" do or don't do when they're not working? What are you basing this on? Oh, don't tell me ... threads on MN.

In case you hadn't noticed, this is not the bloody Hello Magazine. No SAHM is going to post saying, "Oh I just thought I'd let you all know, my DH is gorgeous and a multi-millionaire and we have an amazing marriage and look at my amazing lifestyle and how much money we have... " Can you imagine how that would go down? People only post on here when they have questions or problems with finances or their marriage or their kids or whatever. It's hardly a representative sample.

I’ve actually seen it happen in real life when I was growing up as a mother who was a SAHM and other relatives in my family. My mother and relatives are immigrants who had no choice to be dependent and SAHM. In India, they don’t like to educate women and female foeticide. They actually kill girls in the womb because they want a heir.

I was drilled into my head to be financially independent and get an English education (seen as high honour). So if I want to leave/divorce, I can take of myself and my kids - I don’t have to be homeless.

I was just shocked to see how many British women are willing to be financially dependent and facilitate a man’s career. Cost of living crisis and divorce is quite common these days!

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:46

'The fact you responded with that shows how naive and uneducated you really are.'

Whzt would you know about my education?

And while we're at it, what would you know about India?

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:45

How the hell does anyone on here know what "men with SAHMs" do or don't do when they're not working? What are you basing this on? Oh, don't tell me ... threads on MN.

In case you hadn't noticed, this is not the bloody Hello Magazine. No SAHM is going to post saying, "Oh I just thought I'd let you all know, my DH is gorgeous and a multi-millionaire and we have an amazing marriage and look at my amazing lifestyle and how much money we have... " Can you imagine how that would go down? People only post on here when they have questions or problems with finances or their marriage or their kids or whatever. It's hardly a representative sample.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:40

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:36

"You’re financial dependent on him. You have no financial independence. If he stopped working/left you, you’re stuffed. You’d be homeless and relying on the state (people like me) to fund your lifestyle because you want to “be at home”."

How do you know this exactly? Who are you talking to? You have literally zero idea. Have you done a national survey? Who are you to declare his things work in other peoples marriages and who would be homeless? Just listen to yourself - it's a joke.

The fact you responded with that shows how naive and uneducated you really are.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:39

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:36

"You’re financial dependent on him. You have no financial independence. If he stopped working/left you, you’re stuffed. You’d be homeless and relying on the state (people like me) to fund your lifestyle because you want to “be at home”."

How do you know this exactly? Who are you talking to? You have literally zero idea. Have you done a national survey? Who are you to declare his things work in other peoples marriages and who would be homeless? Just listen to yourself - it's a joke.

The fact you responded with that shows you naive and uneducated you really are.

norestguests · 08/07/2023 11:36

"You’re financial dependent on him. You have no financial independence. If he stopped working/left you, you’re stuffed. You’d be homeless and relying on the state (people like me) to fund your lifestyle because you want to “be at home”."

How do you know this exactly? Who are you talking to? You have literally zero idea. Have you done a national survey? Who are you to declare his things work in other peoples marriages and who would be homeless? Just listen to yourself - it's a joke.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:23

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2023 11:13

@anonymousxoxo

Excuses are running out with hybrid/remote working then 9 months free childcare (15 hours then 30 hours).

Exactly. That’s partly why it’s so irritating hearing people go on about the importance of being in the office all the time.

Theres definitely a place for collaboration and face to face interaction at work and I understand that purely remote isn’t ideal but I am convinced a lot of this as backlash from blokes who are affronted that workplaces are finally more responsive to the needs of working parents. They don’t like the idea of women rewriting male rules.

But, even hybrid is okay - it’s best if both worlds? 1/2 days office then rest wfh? That’s 5 days at home pretty much!

You get to have good salary, progression, pension and solicitation meanwhile at the same time do drop off and picks up also?

I wouldn’t like to be fully remote as I find it little boring, I like my colleagues too and enjoy the work.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:21

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2023 11:13

@anonymousxoxo

Excuses are running out with hybrid/remote working then 9 months free childcare (15 hours then 30 hours).

Exactly. That’s partly why it’s so irritating hearing people go on about the importance of being in the office all the time.

Theres definitely a place for collaboration and face to face interaction at work and I understand that purely remote isn’t ideal but I am convinced a lot of this as backlash from blokes who are affronted that workplaces are finally more responsive to the needs of working parents. They don’t like the idea of women rewriting male rules.

I work 8-4 (pretty much school hours), can log of at 4 latest 5. I do drop off and pick ups at minimum 3 days a week. Then, dh does the other 2 as I have to go office. I’ve never been office more than 2 a days a week, some weeks can be 1 day or 0 depending on bad weather.

Yeah, exactly! Men don’t want to do childcare/housework as they see it beneath them and as a women task. My company are lovely and quite great, I’m the only girl in a team of 6 and I have good flexibility. But so does everyone else and most don’t even have kids.

Few of my colleagues (male also) do drop and pick ups - excuses are definitely running out….

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2023 11:13

@anonymousxoxo

Excuses are running out with hybrid/remote working then 9 months free childcare (15 hours then 30 hours).

Exactly. That’s partly why it’s so irritating hearing people go on about the importance of being in the office all the time.

Theres definitely a place for collaboration and face to face interaction at work and I understand that purely remote isn’t ideal but I am convinced a lot of this as backlash from blokes who are affronted that workplaces are finally more responsive to the needs of working parents. They don’t like the idea of women rewriting male rules.

Spendonsend · 08/07/2023 11:12

rumun88 · 08/07/2023 09:49

@stayingcool my GDC registration has expired but the dentist is happy to keep me on reception and in the sterilisation room until I do the 50 hours CPD for me to re register x

Fantastic

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:09

2chocolateoranges · 08/07/2023 11:05

My neighbour is a SAHD. Financially it worked better for him to be at home.

It does happen.

Show quote history

This isn’t the flex you think it is, no one should be a SAHP. It’s precarious and financially vulnerable

DustyLee123 · 08/07/2023 11:08

Think about which is the better pension too.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:06

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2023 11:01

@Nordicrain

So those sahms enabling that behaviour aren’t just perpetuating gender stereotypes on their home, but are making it more difficult for women who choose to work to progress.

This is bang on. There’s a big social cost to having a default setup where a SAHM “facilitates” a man’s career.

In a setup with a breadwinner and a FT SAHP there are no restrictions on the demands made of the working spouse’s time. There’s always someone (a woman) on hand to deal with the kids and it never occurs to the working partner that they can’t do things at work (networking drinks/playing golf/whatever) which technically are not in the job description but which hugely help them advance.

The impact of this is to massively skew the playing field against a working mother who has to consider childcare before agreeing to do anything outside of office hours.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this for years in my company and it’s massively discriminatory: men end up powering up the ranks at work regardless of their competence purely because they are able to do stuff without the 3D chess of juggling childcare. You get a lot of snide remarks from footloose blokes about making necessary and reasonable adjustments in order to allow you to work. But the blokes never have to worry about this because their SAHM takes care of all that. It’s a huge unfair advantage which holds a lot of ambitious and competent women back.

That doesn’t mean that women owe it to each other to work if it doesn’t suit their lives. Obviously women need to prioritise their families and if not working suits them, fair enough.

But it does make me cringe when people say their decision not to work has “supported my DH’s career”. Of course it has: it’s giving them the opportunity to work in a frictionless way which almost no working mothers can. It’s helping to reinforce a massive advantage men have in the workplace and holding women like me who have to work to support our kids back.

It would help us all if we as a society were more willing to acknowledge the massive handicap this creates between the sexes at work and if employers engaged with the impact this had on the equality they say they cherish.

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

All of this!!

It always makes sense for the women to go part time too 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Excuses are running out with hybrid/remote working then 9 months free childcare (15 hours then 30 hours).

2chocolateoranges · 08/07/2023 11:05

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:04

Yup, it’s also fascinating how women always are the one to go part time to protect the man’s big career. He can’t go part time no way, I’ll just become financially dependent on him then the state.

Show quote history

My neighbour is a SAHD. Financially it worked better for him to be at home.

It does happen.

2chocolateoranges · 08/07/2023 11:04

After all the years I stayed at home working in minimum wage jobs I now have a career where I earn more than dh. So being a SAHM hasn't hindered me.

I went back to college, retrained and totally enjoy my work. I wouldn't ever have don't this if I had continued to work in my previous job before having children.

We all do what we need to do in our lives.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:04

MissTrip82 · 08/07/2023 11:02

Great update OP!

Fascinated as always by the people who think working parents aren’t raising their children……you seriously think your husband doesn’t raise his children? The person who is the reason they eat? Have you told him that?

The contempt in which these women hold their partners is incredible.

Yup, it’s also fascinating how women always are the one to go part time to protect the man’s big career. He can’t go part time no way, I’ll just become financially dependent on him then the state.

anonymousxoxo · 08/07/2023 11:03

2chocolateoranges · 08/07/2023 10:59

@anonymousxoxo I worked 14 hrs a week when mine were small so pocket money basically. I still had respect from my husband, I still "had a seat st the table". I wasn't an unpaid cleaner, laundry assistant etc but it worked well for us for me to give up my full time job and work evenings due to childcare. My dh does his share of cooking and cleaning and life administration.

Some people want to be at home with their children, some people want to go to work. We all have an important place in this world.

Have respect for people no matter the path they choose. Please don't try and demean people= families who choose to have a parent at home.

You’re financial dependent on him. You have no financial independence. If he stopped working/left you, you’re stuffed. You’d be homeless and relying on the state (people like me) to fund your lifestyle because you want to “be at home”.

MissTrip82 · 08/07/2023 11:02

Great update OP!

Fascinated as always by the people who think working parents aren’t raising their children……you seriously think your husband doesn’t raise his children? The person who is the reason they eat? Have you told him that?

The contempt in which these women hold their partners is incredible.

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