I don't have any friends. Is it me?

This is a really good post, couldn't agree more- we also seem to be very similar so maybe I am one of your friends with strong personalities!

Also like pp said, I am not interested in just 'nice' friends. Prefer interesting people with similar tastes.

I don't really recognise friendship, as defined by MN.

For me it's not about drama or gossip or drinking or partying. I just find friends with common interests. I have never had drama: we are not in high school. Any signs of drama and I just distance myself.

I sometimes think a lot of people believe they are above friendships. So they find it hard to make friends.

I think there's a lot in this, particularly thinking about what you actually want in friends, but one of the other things that comes up in the OP, and, not coincidentally, in so many posts on Mn by people who say they have no friends, is 'I'm a nice person, I'll do anything for anyone, I don't gossip, I'm polite -- so why doesn't anyone like me, when they appear to like the company of less nice people?'

I think this suggests a fundamental misunderstanding of friendships. What I look for in friends is interestingness -- do I enjoy their company, do they lead lives that interest me, do we have a lot to talk about, are there things we like doing together? I like people who love what they do, and a lot of my friends work in the arts, writers or musicians or artists or curators, or are knowledgeable about the arts, or paint or write themselves quite seriously alongside a day job. I like hillwalking, history, opera, books, art, so I have friends to I go to the opera or to exhibitions or walking in the mountains with. But I think one thing all my friends have in common is strong personalities, which would probably not be to everyone's taste.

To be blunt, I take 'nice' for granted, but it's not top of my list for key attributes in a potential friend. That would be 'Do I want to talk to this person? Am I excited at the idea of having them in my life? Would going up a mountain or to a concert with them be more enjoyable than doing it alone? Are they going to phone me up and say 'I have tickets to X -- want to come?' or 'Fancy climbing X with the children on Sunday?'

OP, other than 'nice', what do you bring to a friendship? What are you really like? What do you love? What are you like to talk to?

I don’t have any friends. But I don’t put up with other peoples crap, so that’s probably why.

Ah, she’ll have a great time. From what I hear, Manchester student life is buzzin’ (as we say up here 🤣).

I can understand anxieties and insecurities making it difficult to reach out and get in touch with people. It’s something I’ve struggled with before.

But the problem is, if one person in a friendship is always the one to do the reaching out, suggesting meet ups and so on, then it’s very easy for that person to interpret the other person’s inaction as a lack of interest in the friendship.
They can’t see inside your head, they can’t know whether you’re not suggesting things because you’re insecure, or whether you’re not suggesting things because you aren’t interested in being friends.

I am the same... but I have come to the conclusion that it'l is me most likely. People seem to like me for chit chat but not for deeper friendships. As soon as someone more interesting comes along, I am dumped.
It has been especially hard lately as 2 ladies I considered to be my friends excluded me from a meet up which hurt and made me realise I didn't have any other friends to turn to.
I try to concentrate on the good things I have in my life, my kids are healthy, I have a great husband and I will be honest this thread helped too because it shows I am not the only one to feel like this.

I get tired of always being the organiser myself. Maybe your friends are too?

In the kindest possible way, it sounds like you’ve offered friendships to people who simply aren’t your people and they’ve taken what’s on offer and discarded the other bits because you aren’t their person either. You sound like you’re a good friend and you’ve worked out what you’re offering to a potential friend, so what is it that you’re looking for in a friendship? What sort of personalities do you tend to click with? Those are the people you need to search out.

Sorry I’m not - my daughter is but she’s living the student life 😂

I think when you’re too friendly or too polite with everyone it can come across as insincere.

I think it’s actually okay to gossip or disagree in friendships because that’s what people do.

I don't have any either. But I also don't have close family/do to confide in.

I'm alone with my thoughts.

It's a lonely like just sitting around or walking around on my own all the time just with my thoughts, which then turn negative because of course they would?

Any chance you’re in Greater Manchester?

I can relate to a lot of this🙁

i have friends who are always the ones suggesting and arranging meet ups. If they suddenly stopped I would assume that they didn’t want to see me anymore and I wouldn’t get in touch. It’s insecurity from me rather than not wanting to be friends.

@H0bn0b quite simply - I have found my people!

Various reasons for me being in this boat.

and I’m doing a few things to get out of it or improve things. I volunteer a lot (chair if big village charity), I network, go to local events, dog sit so I can go walking and meet new faces and start chats. Attend hobby groups or lessons, joined a walking group…

anyway. If folks in here want a lonely souls group then surely we can organise on online one and some of us in similar areas could meet up?

I’m in Colne, Lancashire near the Yorkshire border.

ohhhh this is like OLD but somewhat less scary.

Join some groups about things that interest you, or hobbies you have, sports are a good way to get into a community of like minded people. Its not you, this kind of thing happens if you don't have a group that are connected by some 'thing', like uni, work, sport etc

What you say makes sense, a lot of sense. I work alternate weeks earlies then lates and EOW, so I can’t commit to stuff. It’s a bit of a pain, I couldn’t join a book club for example as I’d miss at least 4/10 (I’m on a 10 week rota), but it could be 6/10 as we have ‘spare’ weeks when we can cover any job 🙁.

same here, I had a chronic illness in my 20s and I lost touch with everyone. Now I'm 37 with no friends. I don't have any family either apart from DP and DD. I would like to relationship at times but then I'd have absolutely no one apart from DD. It's really quite depressing.

No none of you are boring.
I'm very sociable and have good friends. We don't sit gossiping about people. Some drink some don't. I'm in between. I can happily have a few or happily drive. I tend to host more than others.

You just need to find your people. Be interested in them. Join groups. Walking,book or anything that takes your fancy. There's lots of social groups on Facebook. I even made some for lonely women and men. I hate the thought of people being lonely. I didn't call them lonely groups though 😉 Look for local ones. Meet up is supposed to be ok too?

I'm the same, although older, so kids have grown up and moved out, not partner, parents have both been dead 15+ years, one sibling who lives at the other end of the country who I have a Xmas cards/ birthday card relationship.

I was very involved in a sports club and made some friends through that but having stepped away about 18 months ago I only keep in touch with a couple of people. I know I am crap at keeping in contact and shy away from suggesting meet ups as I they are ususally busy with their families and lives, so I tend to wait until they get in touch, and so I only see them maybe once a month.

I feel I am an a vicious circle of not doing anything/seeing anyone so I feel boring and l won't have anything to talk about if I do meet up.

I have looked at other groups to join - hobbies, sports, politics - but can't seem to find anything local, not full of either really old or really young people, or not hideously expensive.

I'm really boring largely because I'm disabled and so I can't drink (meds) and can't walk far.

I go for having lots of acquaintances, and over time some of them (not many) turn into friends.

I've just moved to a new area where I hardly know anyone so I'm joining everything I can think of, and if I don't have friends yet at least I'm busy!

I have friends and I don't drink at all. In fact, I meet most at book clubs, museums and the theatre. Not all women gossip and drink wine and party.But you have to go out and find your people. At Meetup or on social media or by starting your own club.