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Original poster

I've been unfaithful and I don't know how tell DH

960 replies

Lostsoul0307 · 03/07/2023 11:48

I know I'm going to be absolutely annihilated for this but please believe me when I say I already feel terrible.

I was at a friends hen party this weekend at a holiday cottage with a group of about 20, on the Friday night a stripper had been hired and it was way more intimate than I was prepared for, he did a bit with whipped cream and a few of us licked off. I would never usually but I was really quite tipsy, there was a bit of crowd pressure and the whole thing was really quite arousing, I know these are lame excuses. I crossed a line and did stuff for way longer than I should.

I know I need to tell DH but I have no idea how to even go about bringing this up, he'll be crushed and I'm so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
Spreadbed · 03/07/2023 13:22

Sorry but this is definitely cheating, I can’t believe those saying it isn’t. You gave him oral sex - hidden by a flag which I assume you knowingly went behind for privacy?

You need to tell him so that he can make an informed decision on whether he wants to stay in the relationship.

sandyhappypeople · 03/07/2023 13:22

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2023 13:14

It's not fine. No one is saying it is. But what good comes from telling him? She isn't having an affair, it's ONE event in a lifetime together where she had a few too many and did something, yes, pretty grim and classless, but ultimately harmless. She will never see the guy again and lets face it, she was pissed as a fact so wouldn't recognise him if she did.

I'd not destroy a good marriage for this. Not even in the name of honestly. She'll be eaten up by guilt regardless, why hurt him too?

She's already hurt him, he just doesn't know it yet, would you prefer to be told by your OH that they made a drunken mistake getting carried away, or told by someone else after the fact that she happily noshed off a stripper then lied about it for months.. I know which I'd prefer.

Besides, nobody is that naive to think 20 people on a hen do are able to all keep that a secret? Imagine if someone told him at the wedding that they're all going to be at??

TimeToMoveIt · 03/07/2023 13:22

Yeah I've heard of this happening before although fortunately never seen it myself. It's fucking gross and I'd certainly want to know if I was with someone who did this

Denise82 · 03/07/2023 13:22

Lostsoul0307 · 03/07/2023 12:25

I know I need to tell DH I just genuinely don't know how

Just send him the link to this or wait for it to show up on Facebook or in the papers 🤷‍♀️
Seriously though, there is no amount of alcohol or peer pressure that could make me give a stripper a blow job. And yes it's cheating! Strippers aren't some sub human, fair game, not counted as cheating if I fuck one, if you engage in anything sexual its the same as doing it with anyone else, It's cheating end of! Tell your husband before he finds out from someone else, because guess what, women talk and one will have told their partners what everyone got upto and then if your in the same group they will make a jokes of all the ones who sucked off the stripper at that hen. Tell him and let's see if he classes it as cheating.

Bluebells1970 · 03/07/2023 13:21

I think you'll have to say something to him if you're both going to the wedding that this hen do preceded.... there's a strong chance that this was shared on a group chat or two.

Prepare him at least even it's an "oh god, I think I was so drunk that I joined in with the rest of them". Perhaps leave out the 3 to 4 minutes..... and emphasise how very drunk everyone was so that "recollections may vary".

Dalekjastninerels · 03/07/2023 13:19

PookieHook · 03/07/2023 13:08

So many MNers are going to be put right off the lettuce leaf they sniff for their lunch today

Show quote history

A whole leaf?! That leaf could easily last a week with portion control.😂

IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 03/07/2023 13:19

What do you think you will gain by telling your husband? It will certainly ease your conscience, but your husband will be extremely hurt, and your marriage will be in jeopardy. Do NOT tell him. If he finds out, you might have to confess, but keep hoping that he'll never know - and be sure not to get into that situation again.

Been there, done that - luckily, my husband forgave me and we went on to have many more years of marriage.

Juanmartinez · 03/07/2023 13:18

Eew 🤮

Isengard · 03/07/2023 13:18

Newusernameaug · 03/07/2023 13:10

I used to date a male stripper - this would of happened on practically every job if they allowed it to, some men did, others didn’t.
To all those disbelieving - this is very normal in the male stripping world! They also get unwanted sexual advances all the time including being groped, it’s known in the industry that male strippers are groped far more than women, who are protected from it.

I personally wouldn’t tell my partner the whole hog, but I would say I get guilty for even partaking, as that’s now a line I wouldn’t even cross. I’d say I went under the flag, did have a lick and stopped. He doesn’t need to know the full thing.
I also get the aroused thing - if people didn’t get aroused why would there even be strippers??!!
Just learn from it OP, I’m sure everything will be fine, and despite what some of these other mumsnetters say, you’re perfectly normal!

It's not "normal" at all, I don't know many people who'd do that, even when drunk. Maybe it's some people's thing and fair enough, but it's grim and no amount of drink would or ever has brought out that sort of behaviour in me. 🤷‍♀️

I love how people are reassuring OP she hasn't cheated when she definitely has, and would likely go spare if their partners did the same and tried to hide it.

strawberrywhisk · 03/07/2023 13:18

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2023 13:14

It's not fine. No one is saying it is. But what good comes from telling him? She isn't having an affair, it's ONE event in a lifetime together where she had a few too many and did something, yes, pretty grim and classless, but ultimately harmless. She will never see the guy again and lets face it, she was pissed as a fact so wouldn't recognise him if she did.

I'd not destroy a good marriage for this. Not even in the name of honestly. She'll be eaten up by guilt regardless, why hurt him too?

So you'd be happy for your other half to have their mouths around someone elses genitals for 3/4 minutes and be ignorant it happened?

YoungerDryas · 03/07/2023 13:18

Apparently it happens all the time according to posters on this thread. Being a grim, tacky fecker is totally common (never come across such things irl).

Tidsleytiddy · 03/07/2023 13:17

AnnaTortoiseshell · 03/07/2023 12:08

You’re trying to crack on that a group of 20 women all, at the very least, licked cream off a stranger’s penis in front of one another? Absolutely did not happen.

No. I’d find it offensive to be honest and probably have gone to the bar. Tacky and nasty

purpleboy · 03/07/2023 13:15

I can well believe this happened unfortunately, I've seen it before 🤮

I think sending the text was a bad move.
It's a really shitty thing you did and you should give him the respect he deserved by telling him to his face, not a crappy text that will now leave him wondering WTF has gone on until he can speak to you, his mind will be all over the place, you've not done this in a good way.

FloydPepper · 03/07/2023 13:15

LittleMissUnreasonable · 03/07/2023 12:48

Hitting all the mum'snet double standards bingo here... If this was a man he would be absolutely vilified, called every name under the sun and told he was a terrible person for not coming clean to his wife. Why should we treat OP any different just because she's a woman?

OP you did cheat, I don't think I could live with not telling DH if I were you. I'd also get checked out for oral STIs as well

Bingo indeed, but sadly too easy to get the hypocrites to come out and support a woman doing something they would never support a man doing

i guarantee that not a single one of the “it’s ok” posters would say that to a woman who’s partner has done similar

Quiverer · 03/07/2023 13:15

Good grief, now I know I've lived a sheltered life. I've never been to a party where people licked cream off a total stranger's penis, let alone publicly given him a blow job. I mean, do male strippers agree to this? If men assumed they had free rein to start licking a female stripper's genitals, they'd either be chucked out immediately by the bouncers or would get arrested for assault.

TheCosmosIsMine · 03/07/2023 13:14

of course its bloody cheating

Tdcp · 03/07/2023 13:14

I don't understand the amount of women on here spouting that this isn't cheating. She sucked someone else's cock for 4 minutes! (supposedly)

Balloonhearts · 03/07/2023 13:14

It's not fine. No one is saying it is. But what good comes from telling him? She isn't having an affair, it's ONE event in a lifetime together where she had a few too many and did something, yes, pretty grim and classless, but ultimately harmless. She will never see the guy again and lets face it, she was pissed as a fact so wouldn't recognise him if she did.

I'd not destroy a good marriage for this. Not even in the name of honestly. She'll be eaten up by guilt regardless, why hurt him too?

anon2022anon · 03/07/2023 13:14

Ick. My response at first was in response to licking some cream off a stripper, not giving him a blow job. 3-4 minutes would be enough to finish some blokes off, so you're lucky you didn't get a mouth full. What was everyone else doing while you were at it?

PookieHook · 03/07/2023 13:14

YoungerDryas · 03/07/2023 13:11

Are you not a MNer @PookieHook?

Show quote history

Well of course I am, but I would actually eat the lettuce leaf

YoungerDryas · 03/07/2023 13:13

Lostsoul0307 · 03/07/2023 13:12

Thank you so much for your input and the balance I've been called everything from a hussy to bloke, to liar this morning

Show quote history

Of the three, only two are true. Guess which.

TheCosmosIsMine · 03/07/2023 13:13

u told him yet OP?

Lifeomars · 03/07/2023 13:13

Bloodyleaverspartybollocks · 03/07/2023 11:53

You licked his Willy?
I'd be keeping that firmly to myself

Sorry, but I did laugh at that!

Original poster
Lostsoul0307 · 03/07/2023 13:12

Newusernameaug · 03/07/2023 13:10

I used to date a male stripper - this would of happened on practically every job if they allowed it to, some men did, others didn’t.
To all those disbelieving - this is very normal in the male stripping world! They also get unwanted sexual advances all the time including being groped, it’s known in the industry that male strippers are groped far more than women, who are protected from it.

I personally wouldn’t tell my partner the whole hog, but I would say I get guilty for even partaking, as that’s now a line I wouldn’t even cross. I’d say I went under the flag, did have a lick and stopped. He doesn’t need to know the full thing.
I also get the aroused thing - if people didn’t get aroused why would there even be strippers??!!
Just learn from it OP, I’m sure everything will be fine, and despite what some of these other mumsnetters say, you’re perfectly normal!

Thank you so much for your input and the balance I've been called everything from a hussy to bloke, to liar this morning

OP posts:
VasariMichelangelo · 03/07/2023 13:12

Soonenough · 03/07/2023 13:07

Tell your DH you got a drunk , acted the bollix, pretended to give the stripper a blow job and you are mortified and wanted to tell him before anyone else did. End of. So that if anyone says anything to him he can just shrug and say that yeah , he heard it was pretty wild , make a joke . Hope he will accept your explanation and your true remorse.

I would not view what you did as being unfaithful, more like you made a drunken mistake and acted badly.

It is absolutely being unfaithful.

Can't believe people would be ok with their DH's giving oral sex to a random woman and put it down to a mistake.