Refuses to work

I'm sure some SAHM aren't doing it by agreement. I know quite a few people who when they were pregnant agreedbthe woman would return to work. Then she breaks the agreement by changing her mind once the baby is born.

I think a massive point here is that the kids are not babies or toddlers. I’m a sahm but when my second one goes to school I will be able to do so much more. I mean they’re at school what does he do all day? They’re only so much cleaning you can do. Does he expect to go on like this I definitely?

Being able to have a SAHP is a luxury for many families. So many people cannot afford to have a parent at home not earning.
The OP says the financial stress is killing her. That means the SAHP needs to go back to work ASAP (and whether they are male or female is irrelevant). This family cannot afford the luxury of having one parent at home any longer and there is also no pressing reason for this because the children are no longer small children.

Yes, he might be cooking and whatever and he's also caring for the children (though this is not as much as it would be if they were small children). Yes he's "allowed" to have a hobby. BUT they can't afford this set up anymore so he has to get a job. That's it.

Of course it’s the same argument. My partner was a SAHD for years and I didn’t lift a finger at home (kid was in nursery during the day so housework/cooking etc got done then)
Now he works part time, I work full time. Big kid is at school, little one is at home, and I do very little at home as I’m at work.

Not all SAHD’s are useless. I was a SAHM and I was absolutely terrible at it. Spent my days in coffee shops if I’m honest!

It's not being sexist. It's your relationship. If youd agreed in your relationship that one of you would stay at home whilst the other went to work then it would be sexist for you to insist it was you staying at home simply because you're a woman. Presumably you have to work full time because he doesnt work. He is taking away lots of things from you by making this decision - he is taking away joint decision making about your home life, your finances, how much you work, your pension, when you can retire etc. I'd be saying the same if a man or a woman always worked then quit without discussion or agreement. That's not a marriage. Yes lots of women are SAHP but its agreed between them before they have kids. My husband would not accept me just quitting my job and handing all the financial responsibility to him, even though we could probably afford it

Give him one more chance is my advice.
If he needs mental health help, seek it.
He's not always been like this so he deserves that.

No co-operation on his part and he goes.

I think that is fair.

I know of a few people with serious anxiety issues post Covid. I mean freaking out at leaving home or being around people.

Could he get diagnosed and claim benefits?

That poor woman who got caught up in 2011 riots and got permanently signed off later on because she can't interact with anyone bar her niece had to jump through hoops to get benefits.
Story on her in Take a Break magazine I think few years ago.
Your husband obviously not that extreme.

Why leave it til next week? Do it now. Whilst you are running yourself into the ground this will continue. Stop enabling this situation, it doesnt work for all the family. I would tackle it head on.

Leave the relationship. He can leave the house.

I am not surprised you feel unloved. If he doesn't care how you feel and isn't interested in working on it together with you (looking for a job is a very basic requirement) then I'd have to reconsider the relationship. Having a SAHP needs to be a joint and ongoing decision, not something one person decides to do while ignoring their partner's needs.

Betterlatethanontime · Yesterday 03:20
I would leave. If you can’t perhaps you could stop his access to your money. Take the air conditioning remote to work with you, cancel the internet and all streaming services. Disconnect his phone. You will save money and he won’t need to work.”

Why the hell should OP leave?

He should.

SAHPs can only be SAHPs if both people agree to it. That's what it comes down to.

But the OP here says her husband does the cleaning/cooking/childcare?

Are SAHPs not allowed a hobby?

I don't think it's the same argument as when it's a SAHM. Although they get criticised on here if they don't work once the kids have gone to school. The big difference with a SAHM is they they literally do everything in the home. I've never seen a post that says 'my wife doesn't work, our kids are at school and she sits and games all day when I do the cooking and housework as well as bringing in the money'.

Op I think you need a proper conversation to say you're not willing to support him not working and so he gets a job or ships out.

OP

My DH never really enjoyed work, did it because he had to, and has now retired at just before 60.

I on the other hand love work (it wasn't always this way but I found my niche) and I'm dreading retirement.

Thing is, whether he hated it or not (and he's done some really shit jobs in the part) we both NEEDED to work, to pay our bills and bring up the kids.

I always knew I was the more career minded.

Truth is by DH is very clever and never needed the validation to prove who he is. He's very self contained.

He'd probably have been quite content as a SAHD.

HOWEVER difference being he worked anyway. Was good at his job, and while he didn't need it mentally, we couldn't afford for him not to.

Your DH has checked out and is leaving all the responsibility of bringing money in to you.

It's totally unacceptable and selfish.

I sympathise OP. I have a DP who really wants to go down this route and it is the most soul destroying shit.

He's currently working part time, earning decent money, but you've got to draw a very clear and hard boundary. We had three months of him pissing about at home. Whining about how work affected his mental health.

In my case that boundary included refusing point blank to pay for any non essential item. I suggest you cut off all access to spending money for him.

I don't know any SAHM beyond early primary so there is nothing sexist about this.

I don't think you're being sexist wanting him to work rather than stay at home. Presumably he worked when your children were younger - who was looking after them and doing the housework then? You are supposed to be a partnership, if one of you wants to stop working completely then that should be something you discuss, plan and arrange for together. To suddenly and deliberately lose an income with no intention of replacing it incredibly presumptive. This is coming from someone who has a DH that doesn't work, but with your background info I'd be seriously considering my options.

OP - I am in a similar position, dc are 17, 15 and 11. I became a SAHM after I had our 2nd, a change of circumstances after 7 years saw me go back to work and dh become the SAHD. Whilst it was ok at first (the youngest at the time had just turned three) as they get older it is becoming more frustrating and I still don't feel that we have the balance right in the split of household tasks, I still do a huge proportion, I don't do anything for the older two around school as all the information only goes to him, but much of the rest falls to me. The house is a constant tip, but I don't want to spend all my weekends tidying and sorting - though I invariably do.

I asked him a couple of days ago what his plans were in terms of work, especially now the youngest will be starting secondary, he hadn't even thought about it or what he might consider doing and seemed shocked at the proposal.

I have on real down days pondered if I would be better off alone, but chances are with him as the SAHP I'd be paying him maintenance and he would be the RP.

For various reasons we are ok financially, but the thought of him doing nothing much whilst I work for the next 20 or so years isn't an appealing prospect, especially as like in the OP he doesn't do anything else.

I will admit though that my feelings toward this generally reflect how work is going - work is truly rubbish at the moment so I resent having to go in every day into what is an awful toxic workplace whilst he loafs around.

If he wants to play the old-fashioned 'housewife' role then he should do all that entails - all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping etc etc. Your role would be to earn money, then chill out in the evenings and at weekends.

Your kids are too old to need a SAHP. Fine if they were little kids.

he’s a lazy fucker, I would be FURIOUS

Women with 10 and 12yo children are not told it’s ok to be a SAHM if their DH wants them to work.

But there is a fundamental inequity here in that by and large women who work full time still do most of the housework too.

It is ok for a man to be a SAHP.
I hate these posts where people say "if it were a man posting about a wife they'd not be saying x, y or z". Context is everything.
If a woman had posted this saying her husband was objecting to her not working because the family were struggling to afford bills while she was a SAHP to a 10 and 12 year old, I can guarantee you that many, many posters would tell her to get back to work. I've seen several threads like this. Different if the children are small, but a 10 and 12 year old, no reason at all for the SAHP not to go back to work, irrespective of whether they are male or female.

If a man posted the OP above, again, many posters would say that he's right and the woman should go back to work.

It's not ok for anyone to be a SAHP if the children are 10 and 12 and the family are struggling for money.

OP's DH needs to go back to work ASAP.