To be sick and tired of parenting a kid with ADHD?

Sometimes, the huge cumulative impact of 'always being told (off)' because you have 'done/not done something' when you have ADHD is masked by the high energy/ sunny & fun nature that is also a 'superpower' of having ADHD.

"ADHD kids are always in trouble with somebody for something."

It does take a toll.

It's not a question of how intensely the child is loved nor casting any doubt on how fiercely a parent loves their child - and I certainly was not in any way wanting to imply this whatsoever so please forgive me for that.

These are ideas for how to support and build up internal self capacity for remembering, and being 'set up to win'. Gradually. Incrementally. Over. Years.

Telling and reminding are immediate strategies, but do carry implicit criticism of having done something wrong. (Or, of being wrong for 'forgetting' or 'getting distracted'.) Ultimately when the teller/reminder isn't there, life will fall apart.

But the learning to adapt to function in the NT world isn't the half of it.

The bigger half is ensuring that the unshakeable, innate, core belief is that - even with ADHD - the individual is awesome, incredible, fantastic, and CAN get things right.

These things are far more important to verbalise. Because they then get reinforced and repeated too.

@MrsTerryPratchett I sometimes think we are doppelgangers 😁

Another one finding it relentless and challenging in a different type of way as DD (10) gets older. All the strategies make sense when you read them etc but implementing them in the real world with a child with ADHD isn’t always that straightforward. Whilst you can focus on for example the three things required to get them out to school when they are little and whilst they might get there with getting dressed, toothbrushing and so on, in our house there’s normally a tornado left in their wake.

Solidarity to all the others who might find it relentless at times.

It's interesting on the threads about screaming children at the beach/woods/park/gardens.

I realised when DD was quite small that I could choose one of three options:

1. Spend my entire life with her telling her "no" constantly everywhere and end up with a depressed, anxious, sad kid
2. Piss some people off in some places
3. Piss everyone off, everywhere.

I chose 2. In a restaurant she was perfect (and policed within an inch of her life). In a children's library she was OK. On a beach she was a raving banshee crossed with a Tasmanian Devil. Yes, I try to pick a deserted beach in November. Yes, I try to do what I can. But she needs to run and shout and work off all that stuff. And she can't in the house (or downstairs will murder me), she can't in indoor spaces (ditto) so outdoors is the only place.

Some days I wished for 3. To be able to send her out to the trampoline to bounce at 4.17am (her usual waking time) rather than waiting until 9am and STILL annoying my neighbours? It would have been bliss.

All the best op and reading with intrigue

@Itisalwayspossibletobekind It’s not heartbreaking. Really, DS is the happiest, most content little boy. He certainly has no self esteem issues! And as I said, he’s happy to do what he’s being asked to do. He has to learn, and home is the safest place for him to do that, because other people will not make the same accommodations for him. ADHD is not an excuse.
Don’t feel too sorry for him, he has a lovely life and a lovely family who he loves very much 🤣 I’m just pointing out the relentlessness of it.

If my long-suffering DH ever dies or leaves, I've said I will have to get the smallest, tiny little flat ever. The only time my things have ever been organised and I haven't hoarded is backpacking. If I have 60 litres of space, I can cope. A house? Full of utter shite all the time.

DD and I will need to have bunk beds and no storage. No chance to collect projects that are never finished and tat everywhere.

Get that out of your mouth, you’ll choke.
Pick that up please, if you just drop it there someone will stand on it and it will break.
Flush the toilet, remember you have to do that every time you go.
Didn’t you just pick that up, can you see it’s on the floor again? Pick it up please.
Drinks at the table only please, because remember last time you… oh, it happened again. Can you clean it up please?
Oh, you tripped over? What was it you tripped over? That thing you’ve now picked up and dropped 3 times? Pick it up then and it won’t happen again.
Can you remember what I asked you to do? See that wet patch? Clean it up please.
WHY IS THIS ON THE FLOOR AGAIN?!!!

This is heartbreaking. The poor child on the end of this list of constant failure.

ADHD parenting requires a superhuman amount of tolerance and patience, but ultimately needs to preserve the self esteem of the child. Because hand in hand with an ADHD diagnosis is a terrible belief that you are - in fact - a horrific, useless, waste of space.

"What 3 things do we do each morning?" (Dress, teeth, wash) (List or pictures depending on age)

"What 2 things do we brush each morning?" (Teeth/ Hair)

"Which are you thinking of doing first? Teeth? Great. Give me a shout when you're finished."

Helps to build repetitive recall. Helps to prompt 'seeing' themselves doing it.

"What 3 things do we need as we are going out the door?" (Bag, coat, shoes)

Noticing and articulating on multitudes of small things that HAVE been done.

ALWAYS finding something positive to notice.

"Great job! You got your pants on. Give me a shout when your trousers are on."

Standardised mutual support.

"Let's all check for things we need to pick up."
"Let's go and check the calendar for what we have on our plates tomorrow."

Please will people stop saying it sounds like normal NT behaviour. Maybe the nagging about water bottles etc. because that is of absolutely no consequence to your NT child and they know you will keep reminding them or do it for them. But…

Does your NT child need a 1:1 in school, purely for the purposes of making sure he actually does something? Not needed academically, just to actually start and carry on with the task? Mine does.

Does your NT child need constant reminders even when it’s to do with something they actually like/enjoy? ie. To look where he’s going when he’s riding his bike, even though on at least 5 occasions he’s ended up in a ditch or similar because he’s decided to turn around to talk to you midway through riding? Mine does.

Does your NT child ever do activities that don’t involve talking to you constantly, like watching TV or playing by themselves or with another child? Mine doesn’t.

Does your NT child have things that they love to do, like reading, jigsaws, playing with toys, playing a computer game, but can’t actually engage with because their attention span is as short as a toddler’s? Mine does.

It’s really not the same.

@MrsTerryPratchett - I'm a single parent, so I don't have anyone to stop the house falling into chaos, especially if I super focus on something (the wrong thing, more to the point).

But I get your point, that I am able to give better advice.

Still exhausting though.

Yes OP, I am also often at the end of my tether.

DS10 was diagnosed with ADHD about 18 months ago and started on medication about 4 months ago. It's helped massively. But he's losing weight and sleep on it so he doesn't generally take it at weekends/holidays. And then I forget from one weekend to the next just how much bloody hard work he is when he doesn't take it.

So yes, I understand and sympathize OP.

And to those saying it sounds like their NT 11 year old...I'd bet my house that you'd change your point of view within about 15 minutes of the average school day morning with my son. 😅

Agree @MrsTerryPratchett the one thing that saves us is that I'm several decades along the track and can coach DC in understanding the pros and cons of ADHD! And yes we pretty much need to ignore what works for everyone else.

What I mean is, yes teach him rules of society that are absolutely non negotiable but maybe let some of the other stuff go? And find strategies designed to help him instead of nagging and picking at him. Lists, phone alerts/alarms etc.

I hear you. I have a 12 year old with adhd and it's exhausting. He seems to need constant exercise, can never remember where he is supposed to be, wanders off at school pick up time. He still doesn't sleep through the night. He's always climbing things and doing acrobatics and I'm scared that one day he's going to have a horrible accident.

I mean……pick your battles and stop nagging over every little thing? As a neurodiverse person (ASD) it is so exhausting being nagged at all the time and actually makes things so much worse because it makes you think you’re not good enough….even for your own parents who are supposed to love you unconditionally. It’s really, really damaging.

Are you holding him to your neurotypical expectations or making some reasonable adjustments / allowances? I mean, is it actually THAT big a deal if he doesn’t flush the toilet every time?

@MrsTerryPratchett that's great advice.

Also totally alien to the way I do things so worth reflecting on for DD.

Think I'll stick it on the fridge!

OP thank you for saying this! Agree 100%. I have 15 yr old with autism and ADHD, a partner who I am convinced has ADHD or at least strong traits and 10 yr old with autism and dyspraxia. I'm sick of the lot of them sometimes. Any advice like you say is about maybe he feels this way, or maybe its hard for him because of this.. At no point is my struggle acknowledged. I have to bend and mould to accomodate everyone to the point where I dont know who I am sometimes. Things have to be repeated, rephrased and spoken in a different tone of voice for each of them. Then half the time they forget what I've said or worse, claim that I'm lying and I never told them whatever.

I must not show emotion so DS1 doesn't kick off, on the advice of his psychologist. I must reduce words and make sure he understands, I must simplify instructions for DS2, I must not rush or pressurise him as he becomes upset and struggles with buttons, coats etc. I must help out and keep the calm when DH is running around looking for lost things and stresses out the other two, I have to protect DS2 when DH and DS1 are shouting at each other as he gets upset. I cannot raise my voice ever but am accused by DH of having a tone when i show signs of frustration. I seek help for stress and am told to stop keeping it bottled up, but there is no where for it to go without going against professional advice in relation to DCs diagnosis.

I sometimes wonder if being a NT person in a world of ND people is just as hard as the opposite??

Hmmm sounds exactly like my NT 10 yo tbh. Sorry OP doesn't help!

@Franticbutterfly its not being badgered. I agree, my NT 6 year old needs to be badgered. But she doesn’t forget what she’s doing halfway through because she’s spotted a bit of fluff on the floor that has to be inspected immediately, like ADHD 7 does. Then after inspecting the fluff he forgets he was brushing his teeth so goes to try and get ready, only to be turned around and frogmarched back to the bathroom.
He doesn’t complain, he doesn’t protest or resist, he’s the most compliant child I have ever known. He gets back on with it because he’s not doing it to be annoying or defiant. That’s where the difference is.

We've both got it and although it's a good job DH is here to stop the whole house descending into chaos, I think on balance it's better. I am ahead of DD in terms of strategies, tips, leaning the hard way.

For example she came home with a project, 6 weeks to do it. We got it done in one weekend. Because we felt hyperfocused with lots of energy. At one point she said, "should we take longer?" And I said, "nope with ADHD you catch the wave when it's there otherwise you'll do 90% now and never ever do the last 10% and feel guilty and anxious for 6 weeks". I didn't know that and my parents were all "slow and steady blah blah" which didn't work for me at all. When I learned to cram, do what I could when I felt it, not feel bad when I couldn't, the world got easier.

On a very basic level I can tell DD that the helpful advice of others is for NT people, you have to do what works for OUR brains.

All my 3 DC have to be badgered to brush teeth/shower etc and the eldest is 15! I am also sick of it. They aren't ND, just lazy kids.

It is hard. I have ADHD too and parenting ADHD DC is still unbelievably hard. It is relentless.

You want exhausting? Try being an ADHD parent with an ADHD child. Organising them and yourself ..... freaking impossible.

Solidarity. Also have an 11 year old with ADHD plus an ADHD partner. I’m beyond exhausted with the constant chatter, questions, arguing, repeating myself. It’s relentless.

My sanity was saved by lists. Lists on the fridge of all the things DD had to do. I would point. She'd do one, then wander off, start an art project, come back, look baffled. Point. List for school, lists for packing bags. Lists.

Least said, soonest mended with ADHD.

She makes her own lists now.